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I HATE "ME" !!!!

karenckkarenc Posts: 104
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:22 AM in Depression and Coping
yes there I said it!!! I HATE ME!! i hate myself for the way i feel day in and day out. i hate the way i have effected my family and their whole lifestyle. i hate the way i feel inside. i hate that i feel like a stupid freak. i hate that my body has divorced me! yes I am only 36 but my body said, heck no, not going to do this anymore and i quit! so now i feel like a 96 yr old woman instead. i hate that hugs from my loved ones just hurt so bad that i dread them and want them all at the same time. i hate when the burning pain returns and all the water in the world wont put out that fire. i hate that i cant go out in the cold and play in the snow with my kids cause the cold makes my muscles spasm so hard that i cry and my hands get so cold so quick that i cant use them. like i said---- I HATE ME!!! X( :''( ~X( #o :''(


  • Karen,

    I was there once, and a friend of a friend looked me in the eyes and told me I was being incredibly selfish for feeling that way.

    It really stunned me, because instead of trying to console me, she just made me even angrier. Problem is, that is sank in and I realized that she was right. By being so angry at myself and at the rest of the world, I was isolating and being selfish. The onlyperson that I was really worrying about was myself, even though I was trying to make it seem like others were suffering for it.

    So I gave up. I just sat there and said "I give up".

    From that point on I dealt with pain that caused me to feel that way, and I made sure that I always remembered what that woman told me that day that finally sank in. The last thing I ever wanted to be known as, was a selfish person. So I made certain to always try and keep that from happening in my life ever again.

    I don't know if this makes any sense, but reading your post just reminded me of that day so vividly, so I thought I'd share.

    Take care,

  • Karen sweetie , I know exactly where you are coming from because I have been there on more than one occassion. But you just have to keep going....your family loves you and guess what , they will take whatever they can get from you...it is you that is harder on yourself and seeing things in such a bad way. It is so hard to be dependant upon others when we want to be strong and do it all ourselves but I just recently had a wonderful person tell me that in allowing others to help us we are actually allowing ourselves to help them in return. This is a bad place that you are in but you are not alone , I will walk this road with you for as long as it takes and if there is ANYTHING that I can do then just let me know and I am there. You are stronger than you know and you will get through this and we will help you and then one day you will in turn help others that are where you are at now. PM me anytime my friend and I will always answer.....Miki
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,740
    Karen, I don't think that there is any member out here that has not had those exact feelings! Living and dealing with chronic pain takes it tolls. Everyone understands the physical toll it takes and how it can drain your body and that everything hurts. But not everyone understands the emotional toll. I think to fully understand this, you have had to live it yourself. There are many people in the medical field that know that chronic pain can hurt individuals in so many ways. But do they fully understand what that means? I dont think so. Its like a man trying to understand what a woman goes through in childbirth. Do we have an idea of whats that like? Yes, but do we really know ? NO.
    In the 30+ years I've been dealing with chronic pain, I've come to realize that the best person prepared to handle this is myself! I get tons of help from my family who completely understands and my doctors are also understanding. But no one knows exactly what I go through. So, I have tried even method to try to deal and even beat the emotional toll. I have found that the best way is maintaining a positive attitude. Now, that is not easy when you wake up each morning in pain, but we all have to Whatever that takes.
    For me, its just being thankful that I have my family and that my medical situation could be much worse. But that doesnt apply to everyone, each of us have to find what it is to make us turn all that hate into love
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I understand your pain, I am 2 weeks post-op and I have at least 1 more surgery to go. I have trouble swallowing food without getting choked have burning pain (nerve pain) that wakws me up every 2 hours or so and can't sleep in a lying position because I choke. All that said I know with the Love of God all things are possible and I will make it through even if I have to take it 1 hour or 1 day at a time. Have you told your family how you feel? I saw my Dad yesterday and so much wanted to hug him but He knows because I told him how this to sends pain all the way down into my toes that He lets me hug him and I let him kiss me on the cheek. I know things are rough but, I keep counting on my friends I have made on line here and know that they can relate to what I am going through because they to have and are going through the same pain. You are also in luck in the cold as it is summer and we have a choice as too being cold or not right now. So stay in the moment and count your small blessings or you might miss out on them.
    Donetta O:)
  • Hi Karen, reading your words was as if I had typed it myself. Im 33 and awaiting a micro discectomy on my L5 S1. I too have felt all of how you feel but my 12 year old daughter looked scared and worried and this is what made me put things into perspective. We havent had a holiday this summer due to me, she has had to help out with housework, due to me and has also cancelled plans with her friends due to me being in pain. I realise after reading other peoples stories there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I sat down with somne really close friends (as no family nearby) and explained how I was feeling, they didnt realise the depressing side of feeling like this along with the pain too. They have been fantastic and rallied round allowing my daughter to live her 12 year old life as normally as possible without having to worry too much about me. Thank god I have some good friends. If you want to PM me your more than welcome. Chin up xxx
  • Thank you all so much! I appreciate all your warm wonderful words. I have to say that I know I sound as though as I am giving up but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I am in the unique position that i CANT give up even if i wanted to! its because my oldest daughter (she's 17) she will always need someone to look after her and take care of her because of her medical and developmental disabilities. And that my husband is a disabled veteran and i have to help him too. I guess i just feel like i will never get a break from all the medical disabilities, the pain, the dr's, and all of the stress that goes with it. i would NEVER give up, even if she is the only thing keeping me going (and her 2 sisters of course). I just get so mad at myself for not being the same person that i used to be. does that make sense? i just want to be the mom i used to be, even without the pain meds. i just want to FEEL 36, heck i will even jump ahead and take 40!!! LOL! The only thing inside myself that keeps me going is my sense of humor. i can laugh at myself still and laugh at other things and still even make some other people laugh. but i know i am not as bubbly as i used to be, not near as energetic that's for sure! i know i am depressed and i also have some anxiety issues. i have been seeing a dr for it and she is going to start me on meds when i go back to see her on the 28th. i was supposed to start them last mth but it all got messed up and i didnt get to start them yet. i am hoping that thru therapy and meds along with my pt and pain clinic dr and meds, that i will finally find the old me. i liked that person a whole lot better than this one that i have here. i hope that i made some sense, didnt scare anyone and i hope that you all know that you all really mean a lot to me! its weird how people you've never met can be so close to your heart! i am really scared about my SI injection tomorrow. please keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you would. and i do hope that you all will hang in there with me until i can at least feel better in this old worn out skin that i am in (although the skin is doing much better than these old bones!!). LOL
  • will always be here for you my friend....Miki
  • Thank you Miki and I will be here for you and all the rest of you in return. Gosh, you guys are such good friends. I dont think I could make it thru this without all of you!

  • Forgive yourself. Do you hate yourself? or the situation your in. I know your tired of all the things coming at you all at once. the viscious cycle of self defeating thoughts and then fulfilling the thoughts is hard cycle to break.
    Please dont be so hard on yourself for not being able to give like you want to, if you love and are loved your others will know your trying your very best for them,they know deep inside of the depth of commitment you have for them,and how hard your trying!
    Never ever deprieciate your worth, nothing has changed inside, its all there, ...just buried beneith all the hurt,and a natural inclination to turn inward to avoid hurting others is a natural and normal thing for a loving person to do when they have a giving heart. BUT...

    in doing so you cut others off from you and they may be offended that they are shunned, coz they want to help,again, that is a natural reaction from them to want to help back.
    Misunderstandings usually arise from these situations,

    have the best heart to heart you"ve ever had with your loved ones, make them understand, your not shunning them, that when they hug you it hurts, but that you need hugs,you know,deep inside that you love,and are loved, dont cut your self from them, you still have hope!

    Now... you are not or ever will be the lesser person because of your body, things happen sometimes that are beyond our ken,and getting mad at yourself is a self defeating behavior. your better than this, you are a worthy and good person deep inside, you know that,acknowledge the good you have inside,dont deny yourself the respect of self.

    OK so your body let you down,sooner than later than you planned, but change does happen, inside though... your still the same right? all the things you love and have passions for, are still driving you, but now you have limitations, adapt embrace and survive the changes, this will pass, you will come out the other side of this, whatever situation drove you to the brink will pass,
    Karen your gonna be fine, this will pass and you will be stronger inside for this!
    Dont fear changes, embrace the best in you and learn to let go of the parts you dont need
    Negativity- you are a worthy person
    Loathing- you will find new abilitys, to replace ones you cant do anymore
    love with all your heart and soul, your loved ones may not understand whats going on, help them, be a teacher, they will be the better for it,and us here in the world, be a part of a bigger solution!

    Love doesnt go away unless you work really hard at it to make it dissapear.dont cut yourself off from life because of infirmity, embrace the changes and make them your own.

    Accepting who and how you are is critical to surviving these bad times,they dont last forever, your body and mind adapt wonderfully if you let them!

  • Karen:

    Your story sounds so familiar. I had told my PM once that I'd finally accepted my limitations and blah blah blah. She told me I was a LONG way from acceptance. She also told me I needed anti-depressants and to see the resident psych. at her office.

    I told her she was wrong - I am NOT depressed and yes I do accept my overall condition.

    Truth is, no - I don't accept it. I fight it all the way every day. I refuse to give in. I continue to do things I know will exacerbate things, because I feel like I don't want to miss out on anything. Mostly, I don't want anyone telling me what I can/should or cannot/should not do. That is unhealthy for me.

    Anti depressants actually make me depressed (I know - it's wierd!) especially if I miss a dose or don't take it at the same time every single day. I don't need that kind of drama on top everything else, so I chose to not take them.

    When I go to her office, I see people who are so much worse off than I am and it makes me feel like I do not belong there; I am being a big sissy.

    My husband does not understand how holding his hand could hurt (I have connective tissue disease on top of my spiney problems). I still hold his hand - just not all the time. My kids understand; but I don't want them to have to. That sucks.

    Oh, what I wanted to tell you Karen, was that the SI injections are a piece of cake. They (the medical staff) will make you feel good before they do the procedure, so you actually won't feel a thing. Plus, the medication they inject so you don't feel anything lasts for hours! That has always been my favorite part. I actually feel like doing things - but know I can't, but gosh darn it - there's no pain during those hours. Wonderful!

    Miki and "C" are awesome ladies. Take their offers with the Private Messages. They've got so much to offer - they are very wise. And Delauro too. He's been through so much (as have we all), and the way he expresses himself (when he's being serious - wink wink) will definitely put your mind at ease.

    Sending you (all) hugs and wishing you allllll the best.

  • to ranchhand- i hate my inner self. the side of me that IS the pain. i also hate my situation. but i dont hate the me that loves my family and friends. there are many sides to people, so i hate the side of me that isnt pain free and that is old, and wore out! lol thank you so much for everything. i will keep what you said in mind and try my best to use it and the words that all of you have said to me.

    to Jeaux- thank you too! i understand about the way "it hurts to hold his hand" do you mind if i ask what kind of connective tissue disease you have? my old ra dr was testing me for that but we fell out when she refused to do anything else for me until something bad happened to me! so i am waiting for a new rheumy. i also get what you said about not wanting your kids to know. i want that for mine too. thanks for telling me about the injection. i needed to hear that! and i will keep miki, "C" and all of you close to me if that's ok with all of you, and anyone else that will allow me too also.

    thanks to all of you for making me feel better. i am still thinking of talking to my therapist about all of this when i see her and before i start on my meds.

    hope you all have a great day!

    big hugs to you all!


  • I have what is called "Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease" or UCTD. Undifferentiated because there is no one specific area that is affected... kind of all over. I am more inclinded to think it's musculoskeletal..... But, I am just your "average jeaux" and don't have a medical license. :))

    Good Luck Karen!


  • well that sounds like me. is there a test for that? do you take lyrica? i do and its really helped me with the burning pain, the pain that it just hurts when touched, and electrical shock like pains too. it has really helped but there are still some days where its just "one of those days". lol
  • Yeah, I have a lot of "those days".

    In the beginning, Karen, I was on all sorts of medications; plaquenil, mobic, neurontin, lyrica, cymbalta, lortab, kadian to name a few - I could make a meal out of all the meds I took a day! I just decided I don't want to take all that; mainly because my pharmacy closes at 6 (and 3pm on Saturday), and if I have to go a day or 2 before I can refill, my symptoms were magnified by 100... So, I am now only taking immediate release and extended release pain meds, a muscle relaxer and a sleep aid. As long as I don't hurt and I sleep, I am happy.

    So, I'm going to give the Spinal Cord Stimulator a try and am hoping for good results. Oh, and have switched to my favoite little neighborhood pharmacy to a chain - CVS because they stay open 24/7.

  • i am on the duragesic patches as well at percocet 4 break thru but they are trying to build up my patch dosage until i am stable but i havent gotten there yet and even with both its still not enough and with lyrica and i am still in pain. i take zanaflex and i can sleep most often but i have to work for now and i think the stress of that plus the fact that i cant lay down when i want or need to, just adds to my pain. i am scared of the stimulator! i guess the thoughts of wires in me just really scares me! i am a big old chicken i guess! lol
  • Karenc,
    We all hate that element of our illness that imposes changes that are hard to deal with and you have more of a responsibility for others also in need, it is poignant and correct that your assistance for other will always exceed you own needs and the giving of yourself while in need yourself is the greatest of gifts.

    I would be more concerned if you did not hate your symptoms and that reaction is normal and almost necessary to drive yourself forward to as yet unachieved goals and attainment. Use that anger effectively, that dissemination of the love hate thing as separate entities is not possible and they live intertwined, most of these feeling are better out than in and having an independent therapist is of great benefit in achieving this goal.

    In reality all that angst of sustaining total displeasure, take effort, emphasis, time and the missed opportunity of managing your condition more effectively, perhaps this is a right of passage as the frustration builds, this is an element that we can manage more effectively over time and experience, at 36 I had three young children and the pain intensity has never diminished or waned, my coping ability has improved and the notion of how I feel about my situation improved as a consequence, none of this is easy.

    Take care and be kind to yourself.

  • john,

    thank you soo much for your words of encouragement. i will try to remember those because it really hit home. i have done a lot of thinking over the weekend and i feel some better. still not happy about, dont think i will ever be happy about it, but hey what am i gonna do i cant just sit around and stiffen up and not do anything. its like my therapist said "dont say you cant take it anymore! cause really, you have taken it and you take it every day and still keep going!" so i have tried to remember her words as well as everyone elses here and every time i get down i bring them back in to my head and heart. i wont let this kill me, it may beat me up and slam me around a bit, but i know i have to keep going. i wont be able to get back on here for awhile cause my work said to cool it on the net so i better watch it or get fired. i be back asap. if anyone really needs to talk to me just pm me and maybe we can text each other. talk to you all as soon as i can! big hugs to everyone!

  • Karen,

    Definitely don't put your job at risk over Spine Health. Just know we are here and waiting for you when you get off work.

    So how is the titration going with the Duragesic patch?

    Hang in there,

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