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I'm throwing my hands up. I surrender

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:22 AM in Depression and Coping
I think I've emotionally and physically hit the proverbial wall. Last July I had an MRI of the full spine. It was determined, after a few visits w/ the neurosurgeon, that'd I'd go in for an ACDF. Ok so I had that done, but only after I had my 3rd hernia repair. Hernia surg was in Oct of 07 and ACDF was done Dec 07. The symptoms I was having prior to the ACDF came back. The tingles and numbness in my arms, hands, feet and legs coming back was very disheartening. Now, not surprising, 8 + months after the ACDF my lumbar is KILLING me. I KNOW that the way I carry my body isn't good and is not helping either the hernia repair or the ACDF but walking, standing or sitting the way that I do helps alleviate at least *some* of the pain.
I detest the idea of having to go back to my neurosurgeon. I was just reading, or trying to at least, my MRI report from back in July of 07. I wish I understood everything that I was reading. I do not want, nor do i have time, to go have another MRI to determine what it is that's causing this excruciating pain in my lower back.

Does *anyone* understand any of this? Googling any of this is just a BAD idea because it gets even more confusing.
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My back issues are just part of my medical problems but in the end all of my different medical issues affect each other. I'll be 36 next week & since 2002 I've had 7 major surgeries and know for certain i've got more in my future.

DAMN IT! I want to live my life & not just stumble thru it one medical issue after another. I've got 3 growing boys who have really only ever known their mother as being in pain. I feel like they're being cheated. I feel like I'm letting them, my husband and my family down.
I think the part that is hardest for me to accept is that it {surgeries} is going to always be a part of my life. It's just not fair. I want to wake up in the morning and just be able to get out of bed and go about my everyday life. I honestly can not remember a life like that anymore. I feel the depression creeping back up on me and i DON'T want that. It's just not a good place to be. I HATE taking the medications I'm on. Ya know the ones that just make it barely tolerable to get thru the day? I do NOT look forward, at the ripe old age of almost 36, to the next 30+ years if all this medical crap is what I have to look forward to.
Today was an especially bad day for me, maybe that's why I'm venting but I just don't understand how so much can be wrong w/ just one person? I could tolerate the cervical surgeries and discomfort that goes along with it. I could tolerate the multiple hernia surgeries I've had & the more I'm going to have to have down the road. I could tolerate the fibromyalgia too. I can even tolerate the idea that I *may* need to have something done w/ the lumbar area. But ALL of it?? for the rest of my life???? I did NOT sign up for this! :<

While at work today (i work for my doctor) I scheduled myself in for an appt w/ him later this week. I want to discuss w/ him my medications and what he thinks I should do now as far as the lumbar area is concerned. I just want this crazy surgical/medical roller coaster ride I've been on since 2002 to just end. I've had my fill 10x over. I want to be a good mom to my boys. A good wife to my husband and a good daughter/sister to my family. I want to be a good person for myself and right now, the way things sit, that's just not how it is. I just feel like i'm getting to the point of throwing my hands up and saying 'ok, you win!!' to this medical/surgical crap. Seems like the more I try to live my life to more medically difficult it is.

So sorry about the long rant/rave. I just needed to get it off of my chest. If you got this far, thanks for reading. And if anyone can make sense of that MRI report please let me know.

thanks,

~Jenni
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Comments

  • thanks Paul. I completely understand no one here is qualified to decipher my report. I think what I was more looking for was anyone who may have/had similar issues addressed on their reports. I know that my NS went over the report with me but 1)he's very hard to understand LOL when he speaks and 2) he was more or less concerned w/ what was going on in the cervical spine at the time over the lumbar. He did touch on it briefly but not enough I guess. I think I'll just bring my report along w/ me when i go for my appt w/ my boss/doc. See if he can make sense of it. My fear is that my doc will tell me i need to go see the NS again and in all honesty I don't want to because I don't want to go under the knife yet again.

    I look at my mom, who will be 58 this year, and she's had the EXACT same ACDF as me. She actually had hers about the time I had my MRI lol. She and my dad both have had surgery for their spinal stenosis too. All of their back surgeries were done by the same NS and that's who I decided to use for mine. Looking at my parents and their surgeries makes me wonder if spinal issues can be hereditary? I can only pray that if they are my boys never have to suffer thru them.

    thanks again for your kind words. I hope your appt w/ the NS goes well and you get your questions answered. That googling medical 'stuff' can be a scary thing LOL

    ~Jenni
  • Sorry to hear about your pain.As Paul said,we are not qualified to interpret MRI reports.With that said,with my 10 years "experience" and 15 MRI's....I think you need another one because a lot can change in the in a year.I have bad discs L2-S1.L4/L5 herniated badly and I needed to have surgery.Like you at L5/S1 I have a large central protrusion.
    Have you tried Physical Therapy or oral steroids?These helped me a lot to make my situation more manageable.Until the surgery that is.I truly hope your doc gives you more options. Again,another MRI may be in order to obtain a clear Dx.
    Hope you feel better soon,and don't apologize for venting.Pain can do that to anybody.

    Cheers,G.
  • :) hi and welcome to the forum! we are here to offer you support and answer what questions we can. Paul is so right about needing your doctor. googling can just make you crazy but i think we all do it. good luck and try and relax! Jenny :)
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