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Long long journal entry - Depressed/suicidal/losing hope and my faith

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,900
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Depression and Coping
Below is a journal entry I typed just the other day. This whole entry is incredibly long so read it when you have some time. It is me venting and it is showing the frustration/sadness/hopelessness I feel on a daily basis so much so that I am considering suicide. I have basically lost the will to live but I am afraid of the consequences of suicide. If you have any answers or advice I could sure use some. I realize this entry is a lot and is very deep so it may be overwhelming. That is exactly how I am feeling. A good portion of it is describing my spirituality and my weakening faith. I am really like so many of you looking for hope and struggling with my life every day. I feel like I am at the end of my rope and still no hope/relief comes. I am sure this will be evident in this long journal entry.


Rest of the topic was deleted because of foul language
Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health Administrator, 09/08/08
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1

Comments

  • I'm a firm believer in the support of anyone and everyone that comes to Spine Health asking for help. Well I may get bumped for this post, but I think it's worth the risk.

    You need to get over yourself.

    27 and in the military and having a back that they haven't tried to med board you for by now, says a lot.

    All surgeons say that they will give you 50-50 odds on surgery helping. It's been that way for a long time.

    Yes there have been HUGE new advances in neurosurgery over the last 20 years, heck even 10 years and I guarantee there will be even more in the next 10-20 years.

    If you want to get the military to help you out with your health care, you have to help motivate them. You yourself have to be your own advocate. At most bases the neurosurgeons are simply trained in structural repair of the spine. If you need something more than that there are specialized clinics in several military hospitals that you can be referred to.

    You can even be referred to a specialized civilian clinic. The key is to motivate your docs to give you that referral.

    When you feel all doom and gloom like you are, it projects into all that you do and say. It's hard to motivate others to help you if the message you're sending out is "I'm Screwed".

    It's great that you have the capacity to think "globally" and ponder and contemplate. That shows that you also have the ability to help yourself, and to work with others.

    I was told a long time ago, that if you want sympathy, look it up in the dictionary. You'll find it between shit and syphallus.

    I apologize to the Mods and other members that this might offend, but what more can I say.

    Oh... Welcome to Spine Health.

    "C"

    P.S. I am reitred military receiving great cutting edge treatment from military treatment facilities in the US and overseas
  • Dear Hand,
    I haven't been able to read the whole thing, I got maybe halfway, but I really don't need to. I already understand most of where you are coming from. With the exception of my childhood, which was great, and having plenty of freinds in the past. (I was the "popular" girl) Not that any of that makes a difference in the present. Because of my own health issues I no longer have any friends, they deserted me while I was still in the hospital. They act as if being disabled is a disease! I can understand the pain and misery that you are going through because I have been dealing with it since 1999. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed in over 7 years due to the pain, I am horribly sleep deprived, my memory is screwed up, all of the things that you mentioned above that you can no longer do? I haven't been able to do them in years! I live a very lonely, small life. I rarely even see the sun anymore! I am on SSD because I haven't been able to hold down any type of job in over 7 years. Luckily I do have a husband who has been incredibly understanding and has been there for me through it all. But he also "get's" me because he needed a hip replacement for over 20 years and his pain was excruciating. He finally had his surgery 2 years ago and luckily is much better now. I'm on Oxycontin and stay at a level 8 on the pain scale, and it sometimes rises to a 9. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. And yes, I will admit that I have had frequent suicidal thoughs too. But that IS NOT the answer! There are so many people on this board who have fought for years dealing with there pain and I'm going to assume the same thought has crossed their minds too, from time to time. But they are still here just as I am. I'm not going to give up hope for my future! I'm going to continue to go on, and look for more ways to help control the pain. And hopefully in my future I will finally find the "right" surgeon who can do something about my problems and give me back some quality of life. Yes, my house is messy too, very messy! I could go on and on where we have the same problems but that is not what you need. What you DO need is some mental health help to get you out of the terrible funk that you are in. First off, I would like to know if you are being treated with anti-depressants? You need to be put on at least one and maybe even two different ones. Your doc should be looking to find what works best for you. Next, you need to stay on this board and reach out for the support that you need from others who can understand, like most of us on here. You also may need to start thinking a bit more about going on disibility until some of your health issues can be resolved or at least made better. I would suggest that you hire a SSD attorney if you are turned down for it one time, they can give you a hard time and watse a few years of your life. You don't need that and it only adds to the stress, An attorney is only allowed a certain percentage of your backpay, you do not have to pay up front and his/her fee will come out of the first backpay check that you recieve. This makes the entire process so much easier and less stressful!

    Everyday single day when I take my first dosage of pain med's I have to wait for 30 minutes before I can even begin to think about getting up and going to the restroom or getting something to drink. There have been more days than not where I have had to sit for up to 4 hours before I've gotten the nerve to get up. Believe me, you can get pretty thirsty or have to go to the restrrom pretty bad by then! When my husband is home he waits on me hand and foot. He now has to do the laundry, clean the house, shop, pay the bills, etc.. And he works away from home for months at the time during the spring and summer. I'm left alone during this time and then everything begins to fall apart. You are not alone! I could tell you so many things that make my kife difficult or how severe the pain is. But I would prefer to help you find a better way of coping. I can't remember if you mentioned any pain med's that you are on and what kind. Also, have you tried any PT? What about swimming? If you have access to a swiiming pool, that is the best way to get some excercise and also, just to lay on a raft and float makes me completely pain free. When I do that I have 0 pain, that is the only time. I'm also looking into a new bed that is called the SAT bed. Some health insurnce co's will help to pay for this bed, it's so good that it is the ONLY one that insurnace will help to cover. It's widely used in hospitals and they make queen and I think King size versions. If you want any info on this just send me a pm and I will give you the web site info. Since I can't sit for very long also, and my computer has been having problems in sending the longer messages, I had better stop here. If you want to chat, vent, or have any questions, feel free to pm me anytime.
    Things will get better!
    Jewels
  • i would object to the foul language you used.....
  • Back pain and cancer can't be compared, IMHO. At the age of 20 I started getting abnormal cells, 7 operations later, they found a large tumor in my uterus. At 22 I had cervical and uterine cancer and had a hysderectomy, and now have to get screened twice a year because I am high risk ovarion and colon cancer.

    At 28 I am having problems with my back, severe pain every day with no end in sight. My doctor has said I will be a chronic pain patient the rest of my life.

    I will take this pain every day for the next 70 years if it means I will be cancer free. It was/is so scary to know that I might not see my kids next birthday, or know my grandkids. Everyday, despite the fact that it is not pain free, is a blessing.

    I understand the frustration of being so young and facing this, possibly, the rest of your life. Keep in mind, you never know what medical advances will happen.

    My best advise is, don't let life defeat you. Get out of bed, force yourself to go out and do what you can, enjoy people and the joy they bring to your life. It's amazing what that can do for your mental well being, which in turn, can make the pain bearable.
  • That was a beautiful and courageous response. I admire and salute your steadfast love of life in defying the pain you have to deal with. I especially liked the story about floating on water. What a great metaphor, as I am sure we all wish we could float away in a painless Nirvana. But at least you have found a way to do it for a little while at least here in mortal lands.

    :)

    Thank you for encouraging somebody who clearly is reaching out. Yours was a soft touch to some of the tough live dished out here. It's all good and all appreciated.

    God bless.

    Cheers, Mate
  • You said;

    "Heal me and that will strengthen my faith and be a great start. If I am suffering and I go to a man and he helps my suffering will I not develop a stronger relationship and belief in him? Will I not be more likely to approach him the next time something goes wrong? I may not have believed or known initially but because of that mans desire to help me regardless of what I believed initially in the long wrong it strengthens my relationship and belief in him. Maybe I am weird and am the only one who thinks that way."

    Well no Chris,it doesn't work that way.You know that tree that is barren,and you keep going back and it is barren? It is because you have to plant the seed where it will grow,in the dirt,not the rock.


    I like the way you write,and you have a great mind.If you use all of that energy and time thinking positive instead of negative you will have your fruit.You will still have your pain,but it will be bearable.

    I am past your 'mean age' of 46.6.I just turned 48 and I have had surgeries in the double digits.Rods in my heels,all of my metatarsal heads have been removed and bones fused back together in my feet,left foot 3 times right foot 4.I have CDDD and I'm up to #8 on your scorecard,but according to you I am one of the lucky ones.
    Well,your right,I am lucky because I'm pretty happy...but I have been depressed before and I have questioned things before so I think I understand a little of how you feel.

    Go for a walk before summer is gone.
    Get some sun on your face.
    Call an old friend.
    Smile to a stranger.
    ..or just smile to the person in the mirror.
    Give yourself a pat on the back for what I think is the longest post here on S-H...and the only one that took me through a string of emotions...but I think it will be edited for language... :)
  • well, i cant say anything else that hasnt already been said. most of us have been in your position. mine was when my hubby insisted on the antidepressant. when i acclimated to the med it made thinking alot better. i had surgery despite the 50/50 odds because i was not going to live life in that kind of pain. i had to gamble and it worked. i am still in pain BUT i have a life that i can participate in . hagland c also has a spinal cord stimulator. i have been given the option but i chickened out . i chose to defer it until later. my choice. there are options. please use them. the only thing else i can say is that i am sending you all the hugs you can stand. we are here for you to gripe and send thoughts of all calipers. we understand. God Bless ,
    >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Hi Chris, That's my husband and Sons name. My name is Amanda. I too am 27 years old. I have to be honest in saying that I did not read your entire post. It was very long, I think I made it 1/3 through. I come here when I can sneak away for a minute (I stay home with my son) I will finish reading, but till then, I would like to say something.

    I too was abused as a child. Physically, Mentally, Sexually, you name it, somewhere in my life I dealt with it. But I cannot allow my past to control my future.

    I have been told by doctors that there is nothing they can do for my back pain. I am not a candidate for surgery. Its all PT and Meds for me all the way. If thats what I have to do, to be able to play ball with my son, then dammit that's what I'm gonna do.

    I get down a lot. Before my son was born, I too felt the wheel of my car turning into oncoming traffic. I couldn't stand the idea of who I would hurt in the process, and didn't go through with it.

    I am glad to see that you are paying attention to your feelings. What you should know is that it is ok to feel this way. Your feelings are all you have in this world that are truly yours. You have a god given right to feel them. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.

    I think that you need to take your mind off of the negative. You will never have a chance at happiness, If you can't see the so called forest for the trees.

    Take a minute from your day. Look around you. Look at what you do have... Even if its nothing, there is so much beauty in this world. All too often we forget to remember that.

    I will write more, next time, after I have read more.

    XXOO from a friend
    Amanda
  • Hello again. I finally finished reading your post. I feel that you have a real talent for writing. All of us here are suffering in our own ways. No one person more than any other. We all have trouble with our faith at times. We all feel as if we got the short straw. I'm sure at one point we all have had thoughts of suicide.

    As to your questions of faith, I believe that no religion is the "right" one. I find it hard to believe, that a child born in Pakistan, who is raised Muslim, and has never known anything else, will be sent to hell for her beliefs. How could only one group of people be right, and the rest of the world be so wrong? The way I see it, different religions are a little like the squirrel story from the movie "Fools Rush In"

    "...my father told me about a family of
    squirrels that lived on the plateau. He said that one day the canyon split. Half the squirrels were on the north rim... and the other half on the south. Over time, the two families became different. Each one adjusted to their environment. The ones to the north are dark, bushy-tailed, and have bigger ears. The ones to the south are leaner, meaner and much prettier. Even though they look different and they act different... they are the exact same squirrel. They just grew up on different sides. And this canyon between them... will they be able to cross it?"

    Maybe it all started in one place. One god, or a hundred. And after thousands of years, and miles of separation, each religion has "adapted" to fit the circumstances of that particular group. I refuse to get into any arguments on religion, please know that this is only my belief.

    You talk about your dreams of a family. The way you felt when you got a giggle from that pretty girl. I don't know you, but I am sure there are lots of pretty girls who would like to spend time with you. Maybe you should go back to one of those places, and talk to one of those "pretty girls"

    Chris, you cannot let your disease define you. Let go of the negative, or you will never be happy. You will never feel complete. If the world were going to end tomorrow, how would you want to spend your last day? Personally, I'd like to have as much fun and happiness I could find in one day.

    You have such strong feelings about your condition. You mentioned the lack of studies being done for people like us. I think that you would make a great advocate. You should write a book, you are a great writer. You should start an organization. I am sure there are many others who feel the same way as you do. It took years to get any attention to Autism. Autism awareness is everywhere now. Maybe we could start the "spine health awareness" movement. I think you are the perfect person to get things rolling... Just a thought.

    Please feel free to PM me anytime. I am always here to listen.

    Amanda
  • thanks for all the hugs
  • It seems my post got deleted because I used some foul language. I did mention from the very beginning that it was an entry that I typed in my journal, I was venting and I did mention that occasionally I did use some foul language. It wasnt directed at anyone just expressed my frustration. I thought the title of this blog was obvious. If you were offended by that I apologize. However, you should have stopped reading since I said in the very first paragraph that I used some foul language. This was my chance to vent, feel connected, and receive input from people who can empathize with me. It was a journal entry and I was angry, sad, and frustrated when I typed it so I feel frustrated that it was taken down. However it was my fault because I didnt read the terms of service. I am sure it says you cannot use any fould language venting or not regardless if it wasnt directed towards anyone. To those that didn’t post positive comments maybe you should try to remember the phrase you learned as a kid: “if you don’t have anything nice to say don't say it at all” when responding to other bloggers. For future reference to those people. People come on here to find comfort and feel connected. Not to be judged and put down. We receive enough of that in life. This site has blogs and items from many suffering people. Responses should be ones of encouragement and hope, not criticism and written with what’s wrong with you connotation. You might not agree with what the person is saying but please for future reference to other blogers please keep the responses encouraging and uplifting. I don’t think that is too much to ask. With that being said, thank you too all that have posted positive comments and kept in the spirit of being positive and uplifting even if you just shared your pains and sufferings. That was uplifting to me because it meant that I am not alone. I don’t think you realize how much that means to me. Through our struggles and working together we will preserver. I really hope that whatever ails you comes to pass. I tend to remain on this site and from now on and I will be sure not to post anything with any cuss words in it regardless of how few. I am sure that I will need all of your help again and I hope that I can provide some type of rest and relief for those that need it.
  • And let's all hold hands and sing songs of happiness. =))

    Face it, we all see things differently.

    If this site gets watered down into nothing but love and hugs and "to heck with reality", then it's as worthless as a cancelled check.

    I'm glad you got some support from others, I just happen to see things a bit differently. That's my right.

    "C"
  • The only thing watered down here is handdddbackguys' post.

    I understand that the language is not allowed,but to delete that entire post I felt was uncalled for.I have seen where others have used foul language,and only the 'words' were removed.

    That was a very long post and I can only imagine that handdddbackguy poured a lot of his heart into writing it..not to mention his time.I really hope that he was given a fair warning so that he had the time to copy/paste that into his personal folders if he had not already done so.

  • It is your right indeed to voice your opinion. However, in this case another poster was frivolously censored, denying him his right.

    And, if we want to get pedantic, I have seen worse on this web site that warrants censorship. Come on, cut the guy some slack. Lots of people have expressed similar thoughts as they evolve mentally and emotionally to accept their spinal pain. I'd rather see his entire post so that, if for nothing else, good advice like yours has context.

    Cheers, Mate
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,715
    lets get this topic back on track
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • It's all good.

    Cheers, Mate
  • i for one never got to read your post.most had been deleted by the time i got to it, but hey buddy my son is 27,and i could not imagine if he was having just the pain part of what you are going through, like i said i didnt get to read your post i wish i could of because from the other replies -it must have alot of meaning behind everything your going through and feeling but my dear 27 year old you gotta have hope you cant give up on hope,
    you can p.m. if youd like and then maybe i could at least understand a little, i have lots i wanna say but i cant because i didnt get to read your whole post. im just a stranger going through some awful pain myself, and i care about you. you P.M. me anytime.............patsy
  • Handybackman

    Sorry I didn't get to see your whole post, it must have ben full of emotions and feeling to get the repsonse it has.

    We are all in pain on the site, some are going throught hte recovery phase of their ops, others still waiting - others waiting for other types of treatment.

    Pain can drive you up the wall. Today has been frustrating for me. I have been in agony with my back, the problem has affected my legs - I saw the surgeon today to see when my op was - my spinal fusion - to find out that they are now doing a discectomy due to my age, it will greatly help my legs but not so much help my back pain...WTH? I want my back pain sorted out. I want to be able to bend down, to kneel on the floor without needing people to help me stand up again.

    Please keep in touch with us, we are here to support each other through tough times, and also to celebrate the good times - even if it is playing a round of golf, or taking the dog for a walk.

    Celebrate what you can do, look at the leaves on the trees, the ocean/lake whatever. Take 5 mins to celebrate you are alive and you are loved.

    As its been said you have a talent for writing so please continue to do so. It's great for us to read your posts, its just the language was obviously a problem. As you said you had put a warning about it, but don't let it stop you writing your blogs - that can be so therapeutic.

    Take care and sending you lots of hugs, and offering you the hand of friendship.

    All the best
    Danni xox
  • I'm amazed at how many people are now posting to a thread that sat with a huge post that many I communicated with in PM's about it said that they "gave up because it was too long, laborious and full of foul language" for them to wade through.

    Now suddenly it has become the "talk of the town". And oh how horrible that the staff of Spine Health did what they felt was right.

    Since this was a journal entry, why not ask handdddbackguy to email or PM it to you. That way you can read it in full for yourselves.

    "C"
  • What amazed me "C" is that you rammed this guy for his post, which he clearly stated was a JOURNAL entry. We all know that we write differently in our own journals that we would post to the rest of the world on an ordinary day. I thought it took a tremendous amount of bravado to do that and applaud him for giving us a glimpse into his own personal mind, which is clearly troubled. Granted, the language should have been edited out but the post was a very brave thing indeed.

    While I stand firm that you have the right to state your opinion I have had a post deleted for far less than you responded back to him....and I didn't even cuss. He, as well, has the right to state an opinion, don't you think?

    While I'm also clearly of the mindset that people shouldn't sit around and feel sorry for themselves all the time I saw this post for what it was, a journal entry. There are very few of us that haven't spent a day, a week, a month feeling "sorry" for ourselves. If venting his feelings on paper, a blog or on this forum is what it takes to make him a healthier and happier person then who are you or I to stand in the way of that?

    I read the entire post but didn't respond. I thought the poster wouldn't return after being met with such cynicism. I'm glad to see him here and hope that he continues to try to work on his challenges and hopes, just like the rest of us have the opprotunity to do.

    Griff
  • I read the entire post and found it hard to read - not because of the language or sometimes controversial subject matters but because it was like someone had written down a lot of the feelings I struggle with on a daily basis.

    so i just wanted to say I feel your pain Guy (my back problems started when I was about your age and I am 33 now so I know the "feeling cheated" part really well) - as so many of us here do I am sure - and it was really nice to see people take the time to respond with words of encouragement.

    take care >:D<

    Nicola

  • i must of been busy with sumthing else i missed the talk of town. prolly a good thing. im a mom and have a 27 year old son so no matter what he said did or anything my heart will a did beat a extra beat when i hear of a young man in such pain in all kinds of forms, for i did not get to read the whole post, i do not use bad language, and find myself disrespected when i hear it specially from a young person. but everyone is diff, and all people express there pains in diff, ways special when things seem to be at the end of there rope, many people have long ropes many have shorter ropes, and some ropes are broken in half and need help being tied back together
    and i will be the first in line to understand are staff (as you call them)in deleting what ever they find to be deleted they are the bosses (so to speak)and its up to them to fix what rules we dont follow, because they no what is best for all of us. i myself feel they deserve alot of respect and understanding to do what they think is in the best interest of all the diff. sorts of people on here.maybe its a good thing i didnt get to read his story. im sure it would of put me in a sad state. but maybe if i would of read it all i could of related to him in some way,,, ill never know and thats okay too because i have hope that he will find his hope and strength from all the people that do truly care about him as he is just another human being having a difficult time in life. i fer one want to be able to help him tie his rope back together. if its on this board by a kind word, a little prayer, and lots of hope!! patsy
  • Chris,I read the entire post.I'm not one of the people who gave up wading through it.I've heard language before,so I just looked past that and tried to be objective.

    I did try to warn you in my first post that your entry would probably be edited for language.I was hoping that you would *** the language out yourself,but I had no idea that it would be deleted.I guess this has happened before.

  • I hope you come back and talk to us, there are many people here that want to help you! and i believe we can. you can always just P.M. me if you want...hoping to hear from you....PATSY
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,715
    It seems that my decision to remove most of the post made by handdddbackguy was not received positively. I stand by my actions and if a situation like this happened again to any poster, I would take the same actions.

    Violations of Forum rules are just that. Its plain and simple.

    We have thousands of members here who live daily with chronic pain and have communicated their situations without the use of vulgar language.

    When I first read the initial post, I started to go through and edit words. It became difficult to do this and still maintain the story that handdddbackguy was trying to put across. Therefor it was my decision alone to take the action that I did.

    While I do sympathize with handdddbackguy, as I do for hundreds of other members, I will not allow violations of forum rules to continue. I also will be the first to say that I and the Moderator team do NOT catch all violations. Many times, we get assistance from other members who see the problem and let us know so appropriate actions can be taken.

    The action for this topic was taken and now, attention should be focused on handdddbackguy's situation and continuing to listen to what he has to say and provide feedback and understanding in the fashion that the members of Spine-Health always try to do.


    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Since this was a journal entry, is it possible that it is saved on your computer. What I mean is, did you copy and paste it to this site?

    I only ask because it was a very heartfelt entry. I think that maybe if you still have it available, you could repost a PG version. I think If you posted even 1/4 of that journal entry, you could get your point across clearly, and safely.

    Having read the post in its entirety, I understand the moderators actions of removing it. After all there was a heck of a lot to go through and edit :D

    I guess what I am saying, is I'd like other members here to have the chance to know what the post was all about, maybe you can try again? start over fresh?

    We are indeed here to listen, and help as much as we can =) Even though I come here to talk about pain, it really helps to take my mind off of the pain that we are talking about.

    Hope to hear more from you soon
  • Earlier you wrote about your right to speak, even negatively. Now you are asking us to tolerate taking away somebody else's right to speak. I find that amazing, especially coming from somebody who you think might have empathy with somebody in pain.

    Again, a frightened person in pain looking for support and hope might be forgiven for using some expletives...and be spared a holier than thou lecture on posting etiquette and the real way for him to handle his afflictions.

    Cheers, Mate
  • I sent you a PM but yet you persist in defending your poor judgment in censoring a person seeking help on a forum professing to serve such a mission. Again, if vulgarity is a concern, use software filters like many web sites do. You also can develop the software to limit the size of a post if storage is an issue.

    Sorry, but your response is hardly making the situation better or winning respect. I find it incredulous that you threaten to lock this thread if we don't get back to discussing the very post that you purged of most of its content.

    I am sorry I am being so open and blunt, but I don't like frivolous censorship, especially when you seem to execute it at the request of a few friends. It sure does seem that way.

    Cheers, Mate
  • OK, first of all, I can understand where the mod's & Dilauro are coming from. Especially when he did state that he initaly tried to edit the post but it began to change the content. He did try just to edit, so you have to give him credit for that. Also, the forum rules are there for a reason. I too have had a post edited because I used language that was not proper. As he mentioned to me, there are people under the age of 18 that visit this message board. I cannot fault him for his actions.

    Now, that being said I would like to ask "Handbackguy" to post a new message. Instead of a page from your journal, why don't you just tell us what is going on with you. Talk about what your pain issues are, the by-products of that pain, the depression, everthing. By keeping it shorter and more to the point, we will be more able to read it and to help give the advice and support that you need. A condensed version as you may. There are so many of us who can understand where you are coming from and empathize with you. Believe me, I for one have been there! Actually, I'm still there much of the time. One thing that I've always been able to do though when I'm at my worst, (depression) is to think about others who have it worse than I do. Especially the children who are cancer patients. They haven't even had a chance to live their life yet. At the age of 36 I had so much taken away from me, but at least I was 6. That's 30 more years and I have indeed lived them well. I'm also still holding out hope for the future. Not quite ready to give up yet! I know that at times it can be hard to see the sunnier side of life, but it's there, you just ahve to look. On a more practical and medical note here, I still think you should speak to your doctor about anti-depressants if you are not already on them. They have certainly helped me! Good luck and pm me anytime!
    Jewels
  • Too everyone reviewing and looking at this post. Let me start off and say rules are rules. I used some offensive language in my journal post and whether it was one word or 1,000 words, rules are rules. I do not hold any hard feelings to the moderators for removing my post. They are doing their job. In fact I commend them for doing a really good job! Again I apologize if I offended anyone because occasionally I did swear in my journal entry and it is clear that cursing is not allowed. My use of foul language was because I am and was angry, frustrated, hurt, and upset. I’m glad my message was received by most for what it was. A call for help.
    To Haglandc. I don’t hold any hard feelings and I actually commend you for being so candid and open and expressing how you really feel. While I don’t think we should “all hold hands and sing songs of happiness”… actually if we did what would be wrong with that? While that maybe to too sugar coated and campy for everything in life or even most things I believe this forum/website is a time and a place where people are coming who suffer and it is an excellent place to remain positive in the responses. Suffering people need hope and support just like everyone else. In fact more so. I didn’t mind your post. It’s just that being the first post and response like that coming from a site I came too in look of support hit me off guard. I really poured my heart out and honestly was expecting people to be supportive. I guess I caught a right hook while I put my arms down. Another person chimed in and said they were offended by my language. I was almost tempted to not come to this site anymore because of the first couple of posts. I’m not asking you or telling you how to post. You are your own person. In fact I welcome further posts from you and from others. Just caught a little off guard that’s all. I don’t expect people to tell me that everything is going to be fine. Because the person saying that and I both know that might not be the case. But I do take comfort in hearing from you. Hearing your pain. I don’t take pleasure in your pain but I do take pleasure in knowing that I am not alone in this battle and people do care enough to say that. And someone times knowing there is someone else there is all it takes. I really don’t understand how all of you have the strength. I’ve only dealt with this moderate to significant chronic pain for the past 3 years and sometimes consider checking out. Some of you have dealt with it for a lifetime. My hat comes off to you.
    Too everyone else. About my entry. I do have a copy of it. I didn’t realize it would have the response that it did. And no it is not all doom and gloom for me all the time like the journal entry suggests. I do have moments where I am not hurting as bad and sometimes I do things regardless of it hurts right there or will hurt later. I do it in spite of having chronic pain. The other day I danced to some music that I played on my stereo. I know. Weird. A grown man dancing is just weird and creepy. But you know what. I don’t care. Because in that moment I was free and I like to dance. Just don’t let my other guy friends now about that. :$ I wasn’t totally out of pain and I did hurt a lot later but I wasn’t focused on the hurt and that’s as close to freedom as I have gotten in a while. I can tell you with this I have seen some pretty good movies. The redbox and Netflix have become my new best friends. I watched Airplane 2 the other day. If you like movies and like comedy I recommend seeing the Movie Airplane and Airplane 2. Kind of dirty humor and some foul language so your are warned but not all the way throughout. It is a classic. I like it. I’ll probably hit up redbox tonight. This journal entry though is how I feel sometimes and how I am sure I will feel again. I don’t think I will ever be fully out of the woods and sometimes I can’t see the forest from the trees. I will post other stuff when it comes up and I get in those moods again. I am feeling good today. Pain is there but not as bad. The entry was a negative angry painful entry. I didn’t hold anything back. I really was scared posting that on here actually because I expected half of the people to say dude! You are a nut job! Snap out of it! What wrong with you! You’re too negative!..... Not hey, I know where you are at. Or hey, I’ve been there. I know suicide is taboo and I didn’t really expect people to understand. That’s why I was hoping this site was different. Instead of people saying “I’m taking this post for what it is. A guy who is at the end of his rope”. A guy who is sad. A guy who is looking for hope when most of what he has been given has been doom and gloom. But most importantly a guy who is still fighting. Although like in the entry I question a lot why. I can say that I am really happy and shocked that I do have people who I don’t know care enough about me to stand up for me because of my post being deleted (again not a big deal) or write more than a one or two line response. Thanks again. I will keep my posts and further entries void of any foul language. I can tell you they won’t all be positive or all be negative. But I can tell you I will keep the foul language out. I usually don’t cuss and again I was just really mad. X(
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