But some days I just can't help it. I'm just over 2 weeks post-op my 2nd fusion. This time around, I didn't have barely any help at all. Just me and my 2 girls (10 and 7, been a single mom most their lives). I struggled, really struggled, to get through the first week home, and finally caved and couldn't take anymore and called for someone to come help me (no one had offered any help at all). I was at my wits end, trying to make supper every night for them. They helped me more than any child should have to help at their ages.
Even still, at 2 weeks....no one is offering any help at all. I guess they all figure that since I can walk without my cane and am "allowed" to drive now, that I can handle and manage all on my own. I still can't bend over. I still can't stand for long at all. I can't carry a basket full of laundry. I can't sit in a chair for very long, which might cause problems for me trying to get my schoolwork done. And I found out today that I have a lot of problems standing at the sink just simply washing the dishes. Because no one has offered to help I have simply let them sit. So today I medicated myself and got them all done. And i'm paying for it dearly. Once I got done I could barely stand up straight to walk. And now my back is swollen. What I find ironic is everyone telling me "don't worry about the housework, it will be there when you feel better". And they are right, it will be. Because they are also the ones who never offer to help me keep up on it. They are able to keep up with theirs, and that's all that matters to them. They tell me oh let it sit....yet i'm still the one who has to get it all done. They aren't the ones running out of clean dishes, or clean clothes. These are the same people who know that I have no one but myself. No one. I don't have a boyfriend or husband here to support me. Every time I explain to someone new about my back problems they disappear quicker than I can blink. I don't dwell on my problems. Most people who come across me would never even know I have had 2 back surgeries already. I try to not let it show, I don't ask for pity or mercy, and I try to do a lot more than I really should. In fact I hate when people try to baby me because of it.
So then what's wrong with me? I don't want to grow old alone. I don't want my girls to have to grow up without a dad (their sperm donor is a worthless piece of crap who took off many years ago and has no contact with them at all). Why is it so hard for someone like me to find just one decent man? I'm not a thin girl, but i'm not ugly. I'm a very devoted mom, and my girls are my everything. I guess i'm just so durn tired of always being alone, and having to bear all of this by myself, and not ever having a physical shoulder to lean on.
Thanx for letting me rant on. And cry. Y'all on here are about the only ones that I "know" that truly know what i'm going through and feeling.