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I try not to get this way....

brucie76bbrucie76 Posts: 114
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Depression and Coping
But some days I just can't help it. I'm just over 2 weeks post-op my 2nd fusion. This time around, I didn't have barely any help at all. Just me and my 2 girls (10 and 7, been a single mom most their lives). I struggled, really struggled, to get through the first week home, and finally caved and couldn't take anymore and called for someone to come help me (no one had offered any help at all). I was at my wits end, trying to make supper every night for them. They helped me more than any child should have to help at their ages.

Even still, at 2 weeks....no one is offering any help at all. I guess they all figure that since I can walk without my cane and am "allowed" to drive now, that I can handle and manage all on my own. I still can't bend over. I still can't stand for long at all. I can't carry a basket full of laundry. I can't sit in a chair for very long, which might cause problems for me trying to get my schoolwork done. And I found out today that I have a lot of problems standing at the sink just simply washing the dishes. Because no one has offered to help I have simply let them sit. So today I medicated myself and got them all done. And i'm paying for it dearly. Once I got done I could barely stand up straight to walk. And now my back is swollen. What I find ironic is everyone telling me "don't worry about the housework, it will be there when you feel better". And they are right, it will be. Because they are also the ones who never offer to help me keep up on it. They are able to keep up with theirs, and that's all that matters to them. They tell me oh let it sit....yet i'm still the one who has to get it all done. They aren't the ones running out of clean dishes, or clean clothes. These are the same people who know that I have no one but myself. No one. I don't have a boyfriend or husband here to support me. Every time I explain to someone new about my back problems they disappear quicker than I can blink. I don't dwell on my problems. Most people who come across me would never even know I have had 2 back surgeries already. I try to not let it show, I don't ask for pity or mercy, and I try to do a lot more than I really should. In fact I hate when people try to baby me because of it.

So then what's wrong with me? I don't want to grow old alone. I don't want my girls to have to grow up without a dad (their sperm donor is a worthless piece of crap who took off many years ago and has no contact with them at all). Why is it so hard for someone like me to find just one decent man? I'm not a thin girl, but i'm not ugly. I'm a very devoted mom, and my girls are my everything. I guess i'm just so durn tired of always being alone, and having to bear all of this by myself, and not ever having a physical shoulder to lean on.

Thanx for letting me rant on. And cry. Y'all on here are about the only ones that I "know" that truly know what i'm going through and feeling.
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Comments

  • I read this about 45 minutes ago and I wanted to reply so much,but I couldn't type...my keyboard wouldn't work,then the PC messed up.. :S After much ado,my b/f fixed the issues and everything is ok...and as soon as I could I logged on to talk to you.

    You sound like you are going through the same thing I went through about 14 years ago(similiar).I have 2 boys and they were 7&10,I divorced their dad the year before when they were 6&9,and I had to have more operations-this time as a single mom.You see why I felt like replying to your post now :)

    It is so sad that nobody is helping you.I think you are feeling disillusioned about things,and rightfully so.We oftentimes get to a point in our lives when things are tough and we feel that everyone has forgotten us,or they don't seem to care as much as we thought they did or should.It is usually a time when we need them the most that we find out who our real friends are,and that can be so sad.Fortunately,it is also usually a time when we have a mental growth spurt and realize who we really want to be friends with!

    I get the feeling from your post that you are someone who doesn't like asking people to help you,that you are strong and independant.People might think that you don't want or need them to help if you don't come right out and tell them how hard it is for you.I see that you did ask someone to help once,but I get the impression that you are like me and don't let on how bad it really is.Maybe I'm wrong..I just got that feeling.

    I wish I knew you,or where you lived because I would bring you dinner and help you out.I can't do a lot at once,but I could run the sweeper and dust,do some laundry(which I actually like doing)and wash up dishes.WTH happened to old fashioned values anyway...when I see an old lady or man drop something,I bend over to pick it up for them.My body hurts too,but imagine how theirs must feel.I see young people that work in stores just watch old people struggle with a bag and not even help.I think that is one of the problems with this country today,everyone is in a hurry to help themselves and nobody seems to care about anyone else anymore.People walk by and they used to say "hello,how are you' and not want or even expect an answer.Now they don't even ask the question..has anyone else noticed this?
    *sorry*

    I was lucky enough to have a bestfriend that helped me when I had my operations.We were BF's since we were 4 and 5 years old.She took me to Pittsburgh for my operations.She came to the house and we played cards and our kids played.She brought us food,and carried laundry down the basement.She made me laugh,but mostly she was there for me.We don't live in the same state anymore,but when my mom died in July she was there.Last month I had a birthday and I did not want to celebrate my first birthday without a card from my mother,but my BF sent me a card.

    This is what you need now.We all need a friend.You are not alone.
    Thinking of you,
    Robin
  • Yes, I am a very strong person and no I don't ask for help very often. And my friends and family know this. But they also do know that I will ask for help if I know i'm going to need it. Thing is, before I even went in I asked for help. I knew i'd be needing it. My oldest sister has helped me as much as she could (she's not the one I have issues with). It's more my parents and other sister who live alot closer. I had said something to my mom about stopping in and checking on me on their way home from work (only 10 minutes out of their way) and the response I got was "Oh, I was thinking maybe calling and thats it". My car also needed new brakes, I explained to my parents MANY times over the years how I can't ride in Mom's car without it hurting (she has a little Toyota) and that I wouldn't be able to come home from the hospital in her car. I dropped off my car with them the day of my surgery (which had been planned 4 months in advance) just to be told "Oh we're going to see your other sister 2 hours away while you're in the hospital and your car is gonna have to wait". Thankfully I got out of the hospital the day my oldest sister was planning on coming to visit me with my girls because she has an suv. So yes, I did ask for help, which was no small feat in itself for me. They knew I needed help, they knew I needed my parents and what did they do? Go away. Oh they stopped in for a 15 minute visit on their way to my other sisters place, but only stayed that long cause Dad wanted to get on the road. Yet when my other sisters husband (this sister I have no communication with at all) was in an accident my parents all but lived at her house helping her out, even though she has 5 kids, 3 of them teenagers!!!

    So yes, I'm very frustrated. This is the exact reason I don't ask for help. Because when I do, I don't get it. My very best friend I talk to every day, online and texting, lives 5 hours away. She is more worried about me than my own family is.

    I've been single for 5 years now. I'm just so tired of being alone. I know everyone says "oh the time will come". Do you know how sick and tired I am of hearing this and the "time" never coming? The time has come for me to completely give up on the notion of ever having anyone in my life like that.

    Sorry to keep going on again.
  • Yes, I am a very strong person and no I don't ask for help very often. And my friends and family know this. But they also do know that I will ask for help if I know i'm going to need it. Thing is, before I even went in I asked for help. I knew i'd be needing it. My oldest sister has helped me as much as she could (she's not the one I have issues with). It's more my parents and other sister who live alot closer. I had said something to my mom about stopping in and checking on me on their way home from work (only 10 minutes out of their way) and the response I got was "Oh, I was thinking maybe calling and thats it". My car also needed new brakes, I explained to my parents MANY times over the years how I can't ride in Mom's car without it hurting (she has a little Toyota) and that I wouldn't be able to come home from the hospital in her car. I dropped off my car with them the day of my surgery (which had been planned 4 months in advance) just to be told "Oh we're going to see your other sister 2 hours away while you're in the hospital and your car is gonna have to wait". Thankfully I got out of the hospital the day my oldest sister was planning on coming to visit me with my girls because she has an suv. So yes, I did ask for help, which was no small feat in itself for me. They knew I needed help, they knew I needed my parents and what did they do? Go away. Oh they stopped in for a 15 minute visit on their way to my other sisters place, but only stayed that long cause Dad wanted to get on the road. Yet when my other sisters husband (this sister I have no communication with at all) was in an accident my parents all but lived at her house helping her out, even though she has 5 kids, 3 of them teenagers!!!

    So yes, I'm very frustrated. This is the exact reason I don't ask for help. Because when I do, I don't get it. My very best friend I talk to every day, online and texting, lives 5 hours away. She is more worried about me than my own family is.

    I've been single for 5 years now. I'm just so tired of being alone. I know everyone says "oh the time will come". Do you know how sick and tired I am of hearing this and the "time" never coming? The time has come for me to completely give up on the notion of ever having anyone in my life like that.

    Sorry to keep going on again.
  • I just read your post. I forget how lucky I am so many times. My kids were both grown and gone when my back problems got overwhelming. And, Hubby is still here, even tho he's not a whole lot of help with the house. And you're just 2 weeks post fusion?? With kids in the house? I can't imagine how you are coping..

    Yes, the housework will still be there. My carpets haven't been vacuumed in over 2 months, and it bothers me, but not enough to hurt myself doing it. My 75 year old mother wanted to come over and help me, but that is like giving up..or it seemed so to me.

    I hope things get better for you.

    Glenda



  • I've learned to sweep my carpet with a broom!! It doesn't get done as quick, but i've found that I can still get the carpet clean that way. No bending or pushing this way either. Either sweep it right out the door or onto a linoleum floor to be swept up with a dustpan.

    I know i'm going to be ok and things will get better. Just yesterday I actually got my house cleaned. Didn't stress or push myself, and my girls were amazing helpers. I'm thinking maids should be manadatory for insurance to pay for post-op!!! LOL!!!! With less stress of keeping up the house, maybe we'd all heal a lot faster lol!!!
  • Brucie,

    You may actually be able to ask for your insurance company to send help. Since you have no reliable family members to come and help you they will access the situation and may be able to send help.

    You seem to be pushing yourself much too hard to be so soon out of surgery. The body needs time to heal and I'm sure that if you told your surgeon how much you're doing he'd have a fit! Now, I'm a proud woman too but healing your body is priority #1 here and if asking for a little help makes that happen then you need to swallow the pride a little and do it. You don't want to mess up this surgery do you?

    Okay, off the soapbox now LOL! I really do care and hate to see what happens when family and friends don't give the support necessary to allow a person to heal properly. I've been in that position since day 1 and hate to see others have to do it. My situation is different, I don't have anyone near me and we didn't live here long enough before my accident to develop relationships.

    Please give it some thought and ask for help. Your body will heal better and faster and, in the long run, that's what matters.

    Hugs,
    Griff
  • Thanx for your reply Griff. I am lucky that my insurance paid for my surgery, but they don't pay for much else. They wouldn't even pay for a walker for me to bring home from the hospital so I don't think maid service would be something they would approve lol!!

    And keep that soapbox handy lol....I sometimes need someone to hop up on theirs to get me to come around lol. (Along with being stong, I am also very stubborn and bullheaded!!! LOL)

    I actually seem to be healing quicker with this surgery than I did with my first. There are many things around here that I am able to do myself. That's what I am doing. The bigger things, though, I have asked for help. I'm just starting to ask different people for the help. My oldest sister has been the only one constantly checking on me, and offering to do things for me. She calls me just about every day, if not a few times a day, just to make sure everything is ok and if I need anything. Or even just to see how i'm feeling from day to day.

    Sweeping up with the broom actually doesn't hurt my back at all. And I guess worse case, i'll have to let my girls play in the dishwater and do their best at getting them clean lol.

    I will willingly admit to be too strong. But the one thing my back has taught me was to learn to ask for help. No, I don't ask for it as much as I should but I am getting better at it lol. I have learned what my limits are, and have learned to recognize when I need to ask for help. I know that moving around and not just laying all the time will help to strengthen my back, so I do try to move around a bit every couple of hours. I try not to overdo it, but don't we all from time to time?

    Yesterday I did, but not intentionally. I had schoolwork due for my online class, only managed to get half of it done before I couldn't sit any longer. I emailed my teacher, and she told me that considering my situation she isn't going to deduct any points for the rest of my work being late. Then it was Open House at my girls' school so I went and sat in those little chairs for an hour lol. Add in a big thunderstorm overnight into the morning, and i'm sure you can guess where i'm typing this from. My bed!!! It's hard having to shift gears so quickly (going from doing everything to doing nothing), but i'm learning ;)!

    I am so grateful for finding this site. Everyone here has been so helpful and supportive. I only wish I would have found this site 4 years ago.
  • I just wanted to suggest something that I did. I have two kids 15 and 9 and I got them to do alot more than they were used to doing and it didn't kill them at all. You are doing good sounds like getting them to help you. I haven't asked my kids to do much until I had my surgery and then I just had to.

    Also, if you can get to the store, buy up paper plates, cups, forks, frozen dinners and just make do (as one of the other posters said). That way all I had to do was throw away the dishes when we were done eating. That was great! I did get my kids to load/unload the dishwasher for me. I still ask them now at 9 weeks postop but I can load it up pretty well without pain.

    I am remarried a year this September and he's a wonderful man, but he doesn't do house stuff. The only thing I think he's done for me was bring me tea with a straw a few times and he takes out the trash. He hasn't cleaned anything while I've been down. I started back to work this week and OMG, I'm having the worst time.

    My family lives 2 hours away and all of my friends too, so I didn't have any other help at home. You can do it!! Keep your chin up and try not to let all of this get you down!! Having a family that just doesn't help each other is bad, but that's the way some folks are. I haven't had the opportunity to help my brother or mother either, so I didn't expect much. Besides us women can overcome, adapt, and make it through anything!

    Don't hurt yourself though, I did the same and pushed thru to do things while I was home and worried that I've screwed up my fusion.

    Hugs!!!!
  • Thanx for the support!! I've started feeling alot better. Ugh I hate when I start feeling like that. It just builds up inside of ya sometimes, and ya gotta let it out somehow lol. I'm just so thankful for everyone here for me to "gripe" to lol.
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