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I'm just tired.

manaleriemmanalerie Posts: 547
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Depression and Coping
It took me an hour to get out of bed this morning. My body hurt so bad. I let my son play in the crib, until he said he was hungry, and forced myself to get up.

I feel like I am getting worse. I have tremendous pain in both hips. I feel like I can barely walk. I got my son breakfast. Doughnuts and milk. That's a well rounded meal.

He ate all the chocolate off the doughnut, and said he was done. So I get off the couch, take him out of the highchair. Now he has to go potty. The potty chair is in the tub. I can't climb over the baby gate, and I can't bend down to open it. I don't know why my hips are hurting so bad.

I get the potty chair, and take off his jammies. After potty, I get him dressed, and he asks for his sticker. The prize he gets for using the potty. But the stickers are up on the top shelf. I ask him to wait till I finish my coffee. And he does.

I get him his sticker, and sit back on the couch. Oops, he spilled his milk. All over the highchair, and all over the carpet. Now I have to face the baby gate again, to get a towel. If I had done the dishes last night, I would have had a sippy cup with a lid, and he wouldn't have spilled.

I'm feeling pretty worthless as a Mom this morning. My husband got home from work at 8 this morning with the doughnuts. He gets out of bed, and offers to take over, so I can get more sleep. But I don't need more sleep. I need less pain. I tell him its ok, and to go back to bed. I'm fine. But I'm not.

I don't know why I'm getting so down on myself lately. I don't know why I can't cook dinner anymore, or wash the dishes. I don't remember the last time I actually MADE breakfast. I used to cook every morning. I loved that about me.

I'm just tired I guess... of hurting all the time. Up down, up down. Maybe I should go on an antidepressant. These mood swings can't be normal... do you think this is from going off of ultram?

My son is calling me. Time to go climb mount baby gate again...

Thanks for listening guys,


  • hi Amanda

    I was really sad to read your post. I havent been here long but I have noticed you always have time and an inspiring word for people who are feeling blue.

    So I am sending you some cyber hugs (very gentle ones). Some days are more cr@ppy than others and you have to hold on to the fact that this is just a down day and you will feel better about everything. You are not worthless as a mother and just because you cant do everything you used to right now doesnt make you any less of a person

    stay strong hon.

  • hugs and prayers to you! patsy
  • I am feeling better now. Its hard not to get down on yourself, first thing in the morning, feeling that much pain, and waiting for meds to kick in. I've had two percs... my hips are prolly down to a 4, but now I can feel my spine. If it isn't one thing its another. Oh yeah, its Sunday... football. lol
  • I am so sorry about your morning. I have had so many of those and they take such a toll on our self being. I had so many days like this, especially before I started with my new PM team. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because for once, I realized that I am finally getting the care I deserve. Granted, I'm not pain free - but I am certainly on the right path.

    A year ago I was a lot like where you are now. I highly highly recommend that you have a stern discussion with your PM doctor. Tell them exactly what you just told us. Bring the post with you if you have to. I did. I brought my journal. I told them exactly how my days were...they took me seriously! And it was worth it. They finally realized that I am severe dire pain and they have the tools to help me.

    There were days that I would just collapse. I would lay on the couch and my heart would be pounding, my body would be throbbing, it even hurt to breath. The tears would roll down my face as I couldnt allow myself to sob, because that hurt too. I aligned my body with ice pack, going up one side of my and down the other, and lay there still. It was humiliating. I hated for my husband to see me and for my children to see me like this. When he tells me to go rest - I go for it. I used to tell him no too. But I have learned that when they offer the help, its best that we take it. We need it. I learned this from my therapist too. Yes he is tired from being at work all night, but you are in pain..you are fragile and your little son will tell the difference.

    Its an awful condition to be in, especially with two little innocent, confused eyes are staring at you. My daughter tell people "my mommy is broken"...my god that tore me apart the first time I realized what she thought of me. Thats what her take was.

    It woke me up and it made me aggressive with my care. I stopped being scared at the doctors and I started standing up for myself and for my care. And guess what, I am receiving it. Slowly but surely...I am getting there.

    I do think you are hurting a little bit harder because of weaning from the Ultram.

    Please try to be more aggressive with your PM. Maybe start the appt with saying, "i've started to keep a journal and I brought it with me. I thought maybe this would help you get a better understanding of how my daily life is." You've mentioned that your PM doesnt give you meds because your nero does..try to ask the PM if he/she would take over that whole thing.

    When I started with this new PM, I went from right when I woke up to right when I went to sleep. I spoke of how many times I get up and night and what gets me up. I was thorough and I was direct. And she took me very seriously, she was sincere and we have a great relationship.

    I remember you posted that you have an appt with your PM soon. When is it?
    I'm sorry this turned out to be so long. I just feel for you, I have a 2yo and I know how difficult it is...especially feeling this awful pain.

    Hugs Sweetie.
    Feel free to contact me at any time.


    ps. what state do you live in?

    As if this wasnt long enough, I forgot to mention the hip pain. I have that too and it is horrendous, isnt it. Its like someone hit you with a baseball bat right in each hip. Has there been significant weather changes where you live? Thats when I get the hip pain the worst -with barometer changes. Just a thought.
  • Who said anything was wrong with doughnuts for breakfast? LOL....don't be so down on yourself about that. What you need to do is make sure that you are taking care of yourself too. Your little one (im sure) loved having a treat for breakfast, and he was just fine with it. I've (on more than one occasion) allowed my girls ice cream for supper, or some other snack simply because I wasn't able to get up and make them a "proper" dinner.

    We ALL have these kinds of days. I had one just last weekend. Nothing went right, everything hurt, and I was ready to explode from crying. But we all are here for you. I know it doesn't help with the physical things, but sometimes the mental and emotional support is worth alot more.

    P.S. Have a doughnut for yourself for supper sometime. It helps!! LOL.
  • =)) I had a doughnut for supper tonight!! I am doing a lot better mentally, still struggling physically though. If my hips stop hurting, for even a second, then I feel my spine. It feels bruised inside.

    And yes, Alina, Its raining here. I thought of that too. It must be the rain. Works wonders for bringing on pain, and bringing on tears too.

    My neurologist gave me 15 percocets, to last till my epidural appt on Tuesday, and he is not in office tomorrow. I'm seeing the PM on Tuesday for the epidural. I am of course dreading this appt. The first and only time I saw him (PM) he was not very warm... and rushed through my appt like he was going for a world record. My husband will be with me, so I hope that at least one of us will be able to speak to him. I am hoping that he will prescribe something for after the epidural. Other than a few percocets for the weekend, I am on no medication. I thought I would be better off in pain, then sick. I think that was a terrible mistake. At least when I get in to see him, he will get the full picture of my pain. And Alina, it is a good idea to bring this page in.

    I bought a little note pad, for keeping a pain journal. I haven't started it yet, but I think I will print out my entries here to get it rolling.

    Thanks for all of your support guys. I don't think you know what it means to me. I think my husband thanks you too, since I am not always running to him with these feelings... gives him a little break you know? It has to be hard for him, to see what I go through, and not be able to help.

  • I'm sorry too for you having to go through all of this with a little one.I know that I'm lucky my boys are grown now,but don't be fooled-I would do almost anything to have my babies be babies again.Have you ever heard that song LET THEM BE LITTLE by Billy Dean? I have it on my myspace page and I moved it near the bottom because I cry every time I hear it... :''(

    Believe me Amanda,days like this are not the ones that your child will carry in his heart,but he might remember little things like doughnuts for breakfast..and all those days when you are just laying there he might remember as you spending time with him instead of cleaning.

    It's going to rain here Tuesday and I know by know what to expect when that happens,even high humidity bothers me..and cold..ugh.

    They don't normally perscribe anything for after the ESI,but it won't hurt to ask while you're there.Of course you can't go by my PM Dr,he does'nt sedate either.
  • So I printed this out for my PM to read. Two nurses read it. Before I knew it, we were all crying. One nurse said she had to leave the room. Not the reaction I thought I'd get, but at least it got through to someone. They still haven't given me any pain meds, but are pretty sure I am depressed.

    I'm pretty sure I'm not. I know that chronic pain, and depression can go hand in hand. But I have been depressed, and this is not it. Yes, I get blue from time to time. But I feel that is directly related to my pain, and being under medicated. When doctors wont listen to you, and wont help your pain, and treat you like a jerk... how is a person supposed to feel? They're most certainly going to feel hopeless. I tried to tell that to the nurse, but I think she thought I was in denial or something. She just kept telling me, "I've seen depression before" And they want me to start an antidepressant.

    I've thought about it, and I am not against it at all. Maybe it will keep my moods more stable, even if the pain is not. I might ask to try cymbalta.

    Have you guys seen those commercials? When they first started running them, I WAS depressed. Severely. I cried every time I saw those commercials, they were just so sad to me. That dog, with the ball in his mouth, wanting to play, and his owner too tired, and in pain to do it... tears every time!
  • I LOVE that song! :''(
  • Well, you may have not received the pain meds, but I am certain that you are on the right road to a treatment plan.

    You know, lately I have been considering starting an antidepressant as well. And that is totally NOT ME. Like you said, I've been depressed before, but this isnt it...right when you said that I thought, but how do I know that last time is WAS it?? Maybe last time it wasnt it and this really is it.

    I have tried cymbalta - I dont want to scare you, because it DOES work for a lot of people, but, let's just say - it was NOT for me. One half of the dose took four days to get out of my system...and those 4 days were pure hell.
    I tried effexor too, got the same feeling as cymbalta but not for nearly as long.
    I've been on Zoloft and it made me very fat and very unsexual. Again - not me...one thing I still hold onto is my SEX with my hunny bunny...if I cant have that you may as well ask me to throw in the towel....lol.

    So where does that bring me? Maybe lexapro? I dont know. I will discuss with my PM though and see what her thoughts are. Again, I am for the very very first time in my life admitting I might need something to get me out of this funk.

    Robin said a great thing - he may not remember you not being super mom for a day - but he certainly will remember how special it was to have donuts for breakfast.

    When is your next appt? With whom?

    Keep us updated. I am so glad you brought your post in. Which one did you print? The one you started this thread with? Did the PM doctor read it?

    Have a great night. Hope you are doing ok.

  • So I can see why they thought I was depressed!! I was pretty down that day. But I was in SO MUCH PAIN!!

    I have PT tomorrow, Meeting with potential new PCP thursday, and have a bone scan with PM on Friday. Quite a busy week I must say. I try not to book more than 2 appointments in the same week, because Its hard to find a sitter. He's just gonna have to go with me a few times.

    He came with us today for the epidural. It was so cute, when I walked out of the office, he said MOMMY!! Did da doctor fix your back? I said yes he did, and he says, do you have a band aide? I said yah, do you want to see it? He gets this big ol smile and said, OH NICE!! =))

    I have to say my back is feeling pretty good right now, I hope it lasts!
  • and cute!!!
    My 4yo asks me all the time when I get home - is your back fixed?!?!?!
    I cant wait for the day I can say YES.

    I got good news today - there is this new spine clinic and they are very strict on who they see. So I called to make appt and was asked a 1001 questions - as soon as I got the question of surgery that was it. She said that the head doctor will review the notes from my pcp and if they think there is anything they can do for me, they will call me.
    Well that was a week ago - guess what! They called me today and I have an appt on October 1st!!!!! yea!!!

    I am psyched! I hope they are able to give me some more answers and a treatment plan for the future. I am with a great PM but I also want to stay active in my recovery through any avenue possible.

    When news like this comes in - its a celebration for my husband and I. As soon as I called to tell him, he said get a sitter! We're going out!!!
    Let's just hope the sitter calls back! We have a hard time with sitters too.

    Sorry to hear the pain came back.

  • Oh yeah, no little happy dance smiley's here... That's great!! I hope it works out for you! Let me know how it goes. I should look if there is a spine clinic here...
  • Met with my new PCP today. He was floored when I told him I wasn't taking anything to manage my pain. He said that along with everything else I am doing, I should also be taking medication to help during the process. FINALLY!

    He was very thorough, and didn't treat me like a child. I am so glad, someone is finally taking charge! Thank goodness!
  • None too soon too I might add... :)

    I bet you were nervous not knowing if you were going to be taken seriously.I remember that feeling..it's been years ( :))( ),but I remember.

    *points to head and says"not just a hat rack my friend"

    I really am glad that the Dr listened to you and took you seriously..that can make a huge difference in our confidence and stress levels.. :)
  • Dear Amanda,
    I'm so glad that you finally have a doctor who is going to help you! I'm so happy for you! May the pain soon be a memory.............

    You know what, you may not think that you are depressed and maybe your not but, anti-depressants, the right ones, can actually help with the pain itself. And of course when you're blue the pain increases. Let's just hope that you get whatever it is that you need. BTW, I admire you for the fact that you are able to take care of your toddler as well as you do. I couldn't do that at this point. Even my cat is being neglected on some days and how hard should that be? I feel pretty bad about it. I can't even play with her like I used to, we have games that she likes. (she's an indoor kitty so I'm all she has for fun)

    Going back to your first message on this thread, I understand everything you are talking about. I'm exactly the same way. You know about my problems. But one thing that I've decided to stop doing is beating myself up over all of the things that I can't do anymore. Yes, the laundry is piled up, the house is messy, and sometimes I have nothing to eat at all. But what the heck, I HURT! Like you, I used to cook every meal and was always proud of it. I love to cook and love to feed my husband. He's also diabetic and I had him on a "good" meal plan. His sugar has gone up since I've gotten worse. I certainly worry about that.

    Just remember that you are a very good person, with a very good heart. You also have all of us to vent to when you need to. And again, I'm very impressed that you do what you do, taking care of that baby of yours the way you've been feeling lately. I don't know how you do it! So what if it was a donut? I'm sure it won't stunt his growth or anything. Just take care of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck with your doctor! I'm pulling for you.
    Lot's of hug's,
    Jewels >:D<
  • I loved this message and I also agree with it 100%!
  • I have been working a lot with myself about those things in particular. Like you said, so what if he had a doughnut for breakfast. And like others said, I think of it as the day he'll remember having doughnuts and how fun that was lol!! Its also showed me that I have to work harder on getting better, so that I can get back to life as usual.

    I am very fortunate to be able to stay home with my son. Its something I know a lot of Moms wish they could do, but have no choice. I know that soon, I too will have to go back to work. That gives me the drive to get better. For myself, and for him too. I want to have more days with him that are good, while its still an option... does that make sense? And I want to be healthy enough, to go to work everyday, and still come home with a little left for him.

    So what if the laundry is backed up. Its not the end of the world right? If I can't see it that way, I'm only going to stress myself out, and things will only get worse. I just have to keep on pushing. Thank you so much for your kind words... You all have helped me so much!

  • ">image Have a good week! Here's a big hug for ya!
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