Thank you for all of the prayers, thoughts and vibes I called out for yesterday. You guys never let me down or cease to amaze with the unconditional love and support that is offered.
This morning I am just stripped down to bare bones. I had to go to the ER again last night because of the abdominal/pelvis/back "thing" and I am just spent. I am tired. Tired to my soul. At the ER they did ANOTHER CT scan this time with contrast and didn't see anything that jumped right out or seemed emergent BUT just reinforced the fact that I need to be seen by the OB asap, but that is still November 21st. I see my regular doc today. I have the disc from the CT I had earlier in the day in hand and the report is being faxed to his office. I just don't know if I have it in me to play the "we know what it isn't, but not what it is" game again. I haven't eaten much in over a week and have lost 9 pounds because of it. I am taking it out on Mike and the kids and that isn't right. But I feel so at a loss as to what to do for myself that lastnight I had those horrible thoughts running thru my mind.... you all know what thoughts I am talking about. I was just sobbing and Mike was begging me to just come to bed. I just wanted to get in my car and go. Where? I have no idea. It was almost midnight. How could I have done this to him.... getting him involved with someone like me? How fair is that? Wouldn't the kind thing to do be giving him his old life back? Extracting this drama? I was doing SO WELL when I met him or I would never have put myself out there to meet someone. I feel such guilt over what I put he and my children thru. It is crushing me. Simply crushing me.... it feels like a tangible weight is on me and I don't know how long I can carry it. All I know is that each day recently has been a week long.
Something is wrong, and I don't know what it is, but it is breaking my spirit again and I hate the feeling of sliding backwards, but I have... at least for today. I have.