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My Spirit is Broken

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Matters of the Heart
Thank you for all of the prayers, thoughts and vibes I called out for yesterday. You guys never let me down or cease to amaze with the unconditional love and support that is offered.

This morning I am just stripped down to bare bones. I had to go to the ER again last night because of the abdominal/pelvis/back "thing" and I am just spent. I am tired. Tired to my soul. At the ER they did ANOTHER CT scan this time with contrast and didn't see anything that jumped right out or seemed emergent BUT just reinforced the fact that I need to be seen by the OB asap, but that is still November 21st. I see my regular doc today. I have the disc from the CT I had earlier in the day in hand and the report is being faxed to his office. I just don't know if I have it in me to play the "we know what it isn't, but not what it is" game again. I haven't eaten much in over a week and have lost 9 pounds because of it. I am taking it out on Mike and the kids and that isn't right. But I feel so at a loss as to what to do for myself that lastnight I had those horrible thoughts running thru my mind.... you all know what thoughts I am talking about. I was just sobbing and Mike was begging me to just come to bed. I just wanted to get in my car and go. Where? I have no idea. It was almost midnight. How could I have done this to him.... getting him involved with someone like me? How fair is that? Wouldn't the kind thing to do be giving him his old life back? Extracting this drama? I was doing SO WELL when I met him or I would never have put myself out there to meet someone. I feel such guilt over what I put he and my children thru. It is crushing me. Simply crushing me.... it feels like a tangible weight is on me and I don't know how long I can carry it. All I know is that each day recently has been a week long.

Something is wrong, and I don't know what it is, but it is breaking my spirit again and I hate the feeling of sliding backwards, but I have... at least for today. I have.

Amy
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Comments

  • Amy,

    Hunnie I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. I wish I could take away your pain, but I can't.

    You are so right when you say that this is a great site for getting advice and support. I love it here, and I count many people on here as my cyber family.

    I know what it feels like to get frustrated by the docs and medical team. I will have waited 26 weeks for my op when I finally have it around 23rd Dec.

    I understand the stuff you were saying about relationships, about being healthy when you met your partner etc. I was into sports big time, I loved to walk, climb, I loved to do so many things that I can't physically do, or if I do do something like attend an air show, I know that I will pay for it pain wise all week long, so I find myself waying up how much I want to do something vs the pain I'm going to be in after and judging if its worth it or not (hope that makes sense).

    We are always here for you. Thats the joy of this being an internation forum, someone is on here no matter what time of day or night it is.

    When you have your dark thoughts turn them around, make them positive.

    I mourned the loss of my ability to play badinton at a high level, turned it into a positive by taking up art in various forms. Someone else on here said they were hevily into softball (think it was Ron, (DiLaurio) the mod) he turned it into a positive by becoming a coach so his expertise and love of the sport wasn't lost, just channeled in a different way. Again I hope you understand the point I am trying to make.

    You take care of yourself, and of your family. Remember they love you. Give them all a hug, bake a cake, do something to say 'hey I did this to say I love you', something as a surprise, even a card, let Mike know how you are feeling, he you feel about him etc. He will love it as you have taken the time and trouble to do something special for him. (I hope this reads ok and doesnt' cause offence as none was meant)

    I would love to hear from you. PM me, tell me about your day.

    Sorry I got to go, got to see the docs about this pneumonia. I will be thinking of you.

    Love and hugs
    Danni xxx
  • hiya sweetheart. you really are such a good and noble spirit,you know that right? well you do, putting mr Mike and your sig others before you is good and kind, just like you. But
    Mike signed on for the long haul, ALL OF YOU! the ups and downs, thats what people in love do, they hang tough when it gets tough, they back away when they need to please dont put up walls between those you love and yourself K?
    YOUR SUCH A DESERVING PERSON! there is love there all for you, youve earned it,and are entitled to it just like every other person. dont give up onn your self, dont give up to the darkness of the soul, your better than that and with time, youll get the wonder of life back.
    there are the up and down times, this is part of the great cycle of life. There is something hurting inside and it is so big its tearing you apart trying to get out, the dark isnt pretty, but its there, meet it on your own terms. your a good and strong woman and a wondrous person, dont reject what you deserve above all others, Love, of self and of others, Mike loves you , the kids love you, and soon the love will come into your own heart.
    Dont give up yet, there is still fight left in you, you may be backed into a corner by life right now, but that will make you dangerous, your a fierce and decisive adversary, you know how to fight this. Take Mike to heart and let him get your back, thats what true love does, it waits,and watches for the moment of truth, then it stands before you when there is nothing left to do,but fight, It will carry you when you cant walk, it will comfort you when the storm rages, dont be hard on yourself for letting love come to you, you deserve the great love.
    Take it,make it yours and hold fiercely to it,it will bwear any burden you have and come back for more...ALWAYS!
    You say how could someone get involved with someone like you? well I see a wonderful and radiant soul whose had a roughing up, but not beaten, and ime sure Mike sees that too!
    You deserve so much love and will get it! just open your arms K?
    I'll talk atcha soon
    Peace!
  • Amy,
    Cyber friends but we are here, plugging for you.

    The pain - I understand, as do many ppl here. I don't know what to say when you are crawling the walls soo much but please try and gain some strentgth to fight it.

    You need to find something that will help turn the volume down on the pain.

    Can you at least get yourself a massage? A runaway holiday?
    Some friends round? Something that at least gives you a feel good factor?
    (I'm not trying to solve your prbs or insult you by this suggestion) but relax to Re focus and get the fight back.
    I know it is hard. I know. But think that the solution is out there, you just haven't quite found it yet!

    I am gunning for you. Be strong. >:D<

  • By eyes in the unseen. You are loved, and you are love.


    Stephanie
  • Amy~
    I hope that things are looking better for you tonight. I read your posts and my heart ached for you. I wish that I could reach thru the computer and offer you a hug, not a cyber hug, but a real honest to goodness, wrap your arms around and squeeze, hug! I'm so sorry that you were mistakenly accused of taking drugs and made to feel like a drug head when you were following the rules and doing things right. It must have been so frustrating as well as scary being accused of it. I'm glad that your doctor knew about the Effexor causing the false positive or you could still be in a world of hurt!
    I'm so impressed by the amount of love that has been poured out to our spiney friend from the members here. RANCHHAND- the things that you wrote were so heartfelt. I'm always impressed with the way you say things.
    Good luck on your upcoming surgery, Amy. I hope that it gives you the much needed relief from your pain. You can tackle your other pain source after you have recovered from this one. One step at a time... Just keep stepping!! You have the strength in you to do it and when you don't feel like it's there, draw it from your husband. Don't feel bad for looking to him for strength. You know you would offer it to him if he needed it. I'm sure you don't feel it right now, but he needs you too and you offer strength to him. Hang in there!!
  • I know all about being down, and those "thought's". I think many of us do. But then the next day something happens and those "thoughts" go away because you have found something to make you smile again. I've been there many times. I've also asked myself the same question about "How can I do this to my husband, it's not fair". Well, he loves me and would rather take me as I am than to be without me. I've even begged him for a divorce so he can have his own happy carefree life. Of course he has refused. And then on my better days, I know why. Because we love each other! We took our vows seriously. I'm sure your husband did too. Let him love you, let your children love you. Stop beating yourself up. All they really want from you is your love, and I know that you have plenty to give. It's as simple as that. I hope you feel better soon, my thought's are with you.
  • Those are very sweet words from you. I know how you guys feel, thinking your husband is better off without you. I think it to sometimes. I feel guilty that his activities are limited because mine are. I asked him just tonight if he still loved me and he told me "of course I do". topfuel, you are very selfless to be asking your husband to give you a divorce so that he can live a better life. I know I would never be brave enough to do that. Bottom line you guys, these husbands of ours love us and need us to in some way. We may not understand exactly why they do, but they do!! Someday we will be better and they will be with us to enjoy it!! Better days ahead!
  • Mike is a big boy and he chose to be by your side and chooses now to stay by your side.

    I know that I don't like it and feel insulted when other's try to make choices for me.

    Let Mike do what he feels is right for him. Let him choose whether or not he wants to stay by your side.

    "C"
  • Hey Amy,
    I hope by the time you read this you are feeling better. A few thoughts....you said you have to wait till sometime in Nov to see your OB but you were to see him/her as soon as possible. Get on the phone girl and make them hear you. Tell them you NEED to get an appointment ASAP and CANNOT wait till mid Nov. Its amazing what can be done when you insist. I've had appointments changed on me and been given dates that did not work. Sometimes if it was not critical I let it go and sometimes I called and insisted on a change and almost anytime I did this I was able to get a change. All doctors have the ability to fit in an emergancy. I think if you are being told to see your OB as soon as possible that this counts as one.
    Next thought....my sister is bipolar, has been since she was a child and she is in her 50s. Any changes to her meds affect her all over emotions. Is is possible that you are taking pain meds that mess with what you take for bipolar disorder? BTW after a real rocky life, my sister is doing GREAT these days. She has really turned her life around and is even working as a peer counceler to others with similar problems. Anyway not to get off on a tangent but some of your unhappyness (I don't want to use the word depression) may have a correctable cause (meds).

    I wish you lots of luck and hope that the next post from you will having you feeling lots better then you have been feeling.
    LJ
  • Hey AMy~
    I just wanted to check on you to see how you are doing. I haven't seen you on here in a few days. I hope you are OK!! Have a good weekend!
  • Hey sista! How are you feeling today? Hopefully you're feeling much, much better.

    My gosh - it's almost like you were reading my mind.... "How could I do this to him?" Then I think, "How could I have known?" Which then goes in to "What did ever do to deserve someone as wonderful as I am?" ;) The Heavens surely smiled upon him, let me tell ya! Just as surely as they smile upon Mike.

    That Ranch, I tell you. Surely he missed his calling, eh?

    I said all that to say, I hope you are felling better; we love and care for you Amy. We're here for you. All you have to do is reach out your hand....

    Jeaux
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