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treated inhumanely. doctors, pharmacist. no one will help

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Chronic Pain
i filled an rx for oxycontin at walgreens 2 days ago. i never felt so humiliated. i'm still shaking. i've had no life in 10 years, since pain began. when the clerk took the script to the pharmacist, they began snickering. i cannot sit nor stand longer than 5 minutes without pain. i politely asked how long it would take. the pharmacist yelled at me to sit down. i sat for 2 minutes and then tried to ask again, but i never got the chance to explain that i wanted to pick up the meds the next day if it was going to be a half an hour.

i just went through a very traumatic break-up and was dumped off at my parents after moving to ca. i had told my 'fiance' that i had chronic pain and that moving was the worst thing for me. he said he would take care of me. well, the house was filled with black widows and filth and instead of resting like i needed, i was forced to fill holes in the walls, etc... i was bit on the knee the first week. then we were evacuated due to a fire. long story short, he was the kind of guy that wanted to be seen as nice, so instead of telling me that it wasn't working out due to my 'limitations'--he had mentioned a couple of times that he wanted someone that could sit and listen to music at bars for a few hours and he knew that i couldn't do that before i moved--so he did the worst thing he could do.

it probably sounds crazy. i am so ashamed, but i have contacted attorneys and now the anger at him has turned inward. when i asked him what he had decided to do about us since he was lying about his ex-wife all the time, he said he didn't think it would work due to my pain. that would have been okay with me, but it didn't stop there. instead, he got angry, like he was angry that i had pain, like it was my fault that i had disappointed him. he pushed me when he was leaving the room. i said 'how dare you' and tried to slap him. i guess i did exactly what he wanted, even though i missed, as he called 911 and lied ot the police, told them that i was on narcotics and neglected to tell them that he had been drinking. when they questioned us, his ten-year-old daughter was there, and i told the police that i didn't remember whether he had shoved me with two hands, etc. when the cop questioning me left, i overheard him telling the other cop that i had 'hit' him. he used the word hit again and again. i was in bed resting, mind you, when he came in to talk. i'm pretty thin 5'7 and 112 pounds and he's 6 ft and 200. i've never hit anyone. but i had survived a domestic abusive marriage--which i believe caused the chronic pain in the first place--and swore that no one would ever physically abuse me again. hence, i did react by saying 'how dare you' and trying to slap him, like katherine hepburn would.
well, they handcuffed me, since he told them i was on narcotics. i still have nightmares and have not gotten over the feeling of filth and criminal that spending 6 hours in jail left me. he posted bail and the next days were a haze. i think i went crazy. i already have post-trauma-stress disorder and all of a sudden my surviving domestic abuse turned into me being an abuser. i kept telling him to build a time machine so i could forget. i still can't stop obsessing about it.

the worst part was that i had two great doctors. a pain therapist and a pain doctor who actually spent a lot of time with me telling me that when someone is in a state of anxiety and panic, the chemicals in the body go nuts and no amt. of pain medicine will make the pain go away. it made sense. i didn't believe that my fiance would do it, but he told me to leave after i had just moved into the main house with him 5 days prior, after awakening with about 800 ants crawling all over me and in my bed. i had been living in the guesthouse because the ex-wife calling constantly was hard to deal with.

anyway, this is a long story, i know, and i'm getting to why the pharmacy thing was so distressing. i'm feeling very suicidal at this point. i'm sorry. my ex-fiance had written a letter to the DA telling most of the truth, that he didn't tell police that he had been drinking, that he wasn't hurt, that i had attempted to slap him inself-defense after he had pushed me, and that he called 911 because he wanted to teach me a lesson. he said that twice. i still don't know what the lesson was.

maybe he thought that his admission, which he wrote the day after would get him in trouble, but suddenly he told me that i had to leave. i was already suicidal from being in jail and falsely accused. he put a tow on his truck and put my car on it. i went into denial. i kept saying, you're not going to just drive me to my parents in nv. i was literally on my knees begging him for mercy, telling him that i needed time to think, that i didn't have a doctor in nv anymore as i had left. and i had thought that with the therapist and bio-feedback and the new doctors i could maybe have a semblance of a life.

my ex didn't say anything. the next morning, he started stuffing my stuff in the truck roughly until i started getting scared and helping so things wouldn't break. i kept begging for him to take me to a hospital so i could think, as i was still in shock from being falsely arrested. they had not rejected the charges as yet, and i wish i had been thinking more clearly as i would've known that he had confessed that he pushed me first and that i hadn't even slapped him, but only tried in response. but i was too scared and shocked. he told me that if i didn't go to nv, he would get me in more trouble. after him lying to the police once, i was really scared. the thought of being in jail without a temperpedic bed and all the other acoutrements i need for pain was too scary. so i got in the car and was in unbearable pain for 7 hours drive and was dumped at my 80 year old parents' home like unwanted trash.

ever since, i have been to 5 pain mgt. doctors and none of them want me. no one wants to help. i guess it was bad timing. my general practitioner, who i went to after the pain clinic that i had been a patient of -- on and off -- since 2002, left a message saying they would not treat me anymore and to see my general practitioner. i am on a large dose of pain meds and had been on the same amt. for over 2 years. 240 mg. of oxycontin, along with breakthrough meds.

the pain doctors i went to were in shock. i cannot get my old pain doctor to call me back and give me a reason for why they refused to see me anymore. and the trauma of what my ex-fiance did is still causing me horrible nightmares and anxiety which makes the pain worse.

two doctors didn't even bill me, one of which argued with me with the whole 'i have a family to support and can't afford to lose my license' thing. he told me to pretend that i'd never come in as he was 'damned if he treated me and damned if he didn't' he also shoved a newspaper article in my face about my general practitioner, who is being investigated for over-prescribing. this was the first time i had been prescribed narcotics from him, though.

but i am black-listed now. every page of my pain mgt. records says that this dr. is my primary care. i don't know where to go anymore. i feel like trash. and the pain just gets worse. i look in the mirror and i swear i've aged 10 years in the past 3 months. i can't believe that months ago i truly believed that i would soon be managing my pain and have a functional life instead of being bedridden daily. i can't even do the things i used to do like write or paint.

so the other day, i go to walgreens to fill a prescription from the doctor being investigated and was treated like i was a criminal. i can't take it anymore.

i am now terrorized at the thought of even seeing another pain mgt. doctor. since i can't drive longer than 10 minutes, my old mother needs to drive me to the clinics on the other side of town and she was even humiliated. i leave in tears every time.

i'm at my wits end. i've had no life due to pain for 11 years, lost my ability to have children and now i can't find a doctor. i even asked one, who refused to rx meds, if he could just do injections or whatever so the pain would get better. i realized that my old pain mgt. clinic wasn't interested in injections or other treatments after the first 3 steroid, which didn't work. i never saw the dr., just he physician's assistant. in march, i had asked to try to taper off the meds as i was down to lvl 4- 5 and i wanted to get off of them. i didn't do well, as the drop of 80 mg. caused the pain to rise immensely, but i was doing find on the medicine i was on and thought i could just do it slower, maybe 10 mg. a month or so.

i don't know what to do. i keep telling myself that i have to keep trying to get a doctor. i make all these appts. and then i don't go because i'm too afraid. i'm too afraid to go into a hospital. i think they would keep me in due to my desire to die, even though i am giving myself a year to find some help with the pain before i do that. i don't want to die. i want to live. i just don't have a life at all right now, and the way my ex-fiance treated me was so horribly traumatic that i cannot seem to crawl out of the pit of anxiety and panic and fear and self-loathing.

and now even the pharmacists are looking at me funny. i have an rx for 30 mg. oxycodone which i was going to use to see if i could self-taper as i am so afraid to tell doctors what i am on, even though i am legal and being prescribed and have been on the same for 2.5 years, and before that methadone and a slew of anti-depressants, etc., but i'm too afraid to go to a pharmacy now.

i think that my parents would be relieved if i die. i haven't seen any of my friends who are scattered all over the country because i can't travel and i don't want them to remember me like i am now. i used to love life so much. i don't know what to do.

i learned 5 months ago that my stress and depression affects my pain levels quite a bit. but how do you fix it if the pain is causing the depression. i went to a shrink and he told me that he couldn't help me either. he said it sounds like the pain is causing my depression and anxiety and it doesn't sound like a chemical imbalance.

what do i do now that doctors don't want me. i feel like trash. i even told them i hate being on meds. but i spend almost all day in bed, save for stretching exercises i force myself to do. 8 years ago, i was a yoga teacher. i want a life back. this isn't living.

and i feel like a criminal now, and the stigma of being on pain meds is even worse due to my ex-fiance lying to the police and making me sound like some sort of violent person, when i'm not. i don't even eat animals because i don't want to cause harm to anyone. i think he just didn't want people to think he was dumping me because i was in pain, since his friends knew that, so he had to make me look like a criminal. i know he was wrong and it was abusive, but i can't stop that little voice telling me that i'm just not enough anymore. i'm broken. and like a broken toy, no one wants me. not even doctors.

i have another appt. on the 7th of november with a pain doctor and probably should get another primary care physician, but i'm too afraid.

and i'm afraid that if another doctor tells me that he or she doesn't want me as a patient again that it will be too much to bear.

how much more can i take.

i wish that i wasn't on pain meds, but i have no idea what to do. i wish i would have known more in the begining. i guess i should have researched more, but after my divorce, and a few surgeries--lost my uterus and ovaries as the gyns thought nerve pain in sacral area was due to enlarged uterus--they sent me to pain mgt.

when i moved to nv, i went to a pain mgt. clinic. well, the doctor was greedy, i guess, but vision in restrospect is always 20/20. i was on 10 mg. 2x a day of vicodin and he put me on 30 mg. of methadone and told me it was a 'baby dose'. i now know that was an incredible leap. when i told him that i was sleeping all the time, he put me on 80 mg of oxycontin. every two years, it seemed, my tolerance would go up and eventually i got to 240 mg., which is a huge amt., i know, ,enough to scare all teh doctors away and enough to make me an unwanted patient.

if i could find a doctor to deal with the pain, i would happily go to a detox to get off the pain meds. but the sacral pain gets intolerable. i don't know what to do.

if anyone has any suggestions or knows of a doctor in the henderson area of nv, near las vegas, pm me please. a neurologist would be fine.

i'm giving myself a year. technology keeps improving and although the pain mgt. physician's assitant told me that if someone were to deaden the nerves where it hurts completely, that i would have phantom pain. how does he know for sure? i want to try anything and everything i can.

i just don't know how tofind a doctor anymore and am scared tto be turned away. i'm panicked now. i've never felt more unwanted.

the experience at walgreens' was the last straw. i filed a complaint but what's the use. i'm too afraid to even talk to them in person on the phone. i'm just too scared now.

i probably should put this somewhere else. i'm afraid that i will scare all you away too. i don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore.


thanks for reading.
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Comments

  • Everyone here will be supportive of you and everyone cares and will offer you a ton of wisdom. But please!!! don't do what you are suggesting call this number first. 1-800-273-TALK
    I was really sorry to hear about all of your problems. So very sorry. Please hang in there. Help will come.
    I don't think I read your diagnosis in there though. Depression and pain go hand in hand. Please ask questions here everyone will do their best to help you.
  • I hope you find a Dr. to help you. Is there a hospital around there? They usually have clinics beside the hospitals don't they? I wish I could help but I don't live in the States. Check the hospital or clinic websites. Good luck in your search. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Oh, sweetie...I wish you were in VA, I'd come over and just hug you over and over! I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. Real criminals get treated better than you have been. Please don't give up on finding a doc. I'm thinking if you go to a shrink and ask him to put you in a rehab facility it might be a start. When you go to your next visit, have it written out ahead of time everything you have been through...dates and doctor phone numbers, anything you can. Stress to the doc that you desperately want to come off the meds! Please keep us posted on how you are doing, ok?
  • I don't know what to say. This is a terrible crisis. Let me tell you that you are NOT a criminal. You did a right thing by getting a lawyer so they can throw out what that douchebag fiancee said those defamatory lies about you. I know your parents love you and they rather have you than not have you at all. This guy abused you and took advantage of you, and did not give a crap about your pain.
    File a grievance against Walgreens with the state board that regulates pharmacies and takes complaints. That is unproffesional behavior and it's none of their $%^damn business what's going on. The script is still legal and written for a legit reason, and they need to just shut their mouths. Don't allow them to speak to you like that. If it happens there again, or anywhere, you ask to speak to the manager, or call the corporate number on the wall, and file that grievance I talked about. I'm trying to help you empower yourself, and I am so angry about what happened to you.
    Right now you need any support you can get, and you NEED help. You are still a chronic pain patient. I don't know the details, but all I know is that you didn't do anything wrong, and it's not your fault that the doctor is being investigated. It's so unfair that patients in that situation are blacklisted for no wrong doing on their part.
    For your sake, have nothing to do with that ex fiancee. Only deal with your attorney. You have to take care of yourself.
    Remember, your mom's love is unconditional. I have a feeling that she'll stick by you no matter what.
    In the future if you meet someone else, if they have the same characteristics of the bad boyfriends, DUMP THEM. You deserve better. Once they lift a finger at you, LEAVE. Don't perpetuate that cycle.
    Feel free to PM me whenever. You've come to the right place. You have a right to be happy, and a right to get the care you need. >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • hello , im so sorry for all your problems you are having, things will work out, i had a similiar story i know it is embarrassing at the pharmacies especially the big chain one that beging the c... anway i have several lumbar and cercical disc herniations and been chronic pain for 5 yrs. luckily i havent needed a pain management doctor but may need soon. my family doctor prescribes my meds. i was on high doses also. look your best bet truely is to start to cut down and wean to were you can lead somewhat of a life, i learned thru the years all the medicine in the world you can take it never completely takes a way your pain, you have to learn to live with some pain, we all do. my doctor cut my pain medicines also so i had to buy some from a friend of a friend to wein myself cause he put me cold turkey. to tell you the honest truth i am only on vicodan hp 2 times now and the pain is the same if i take 6 percocets or 2 vicodones. i believe from personal experience the more pain meds we are on the higher tolerance for meds and lower tolerance from pain. you did nothing wrong so ont even think about waht happen to you. i feel real bad. i was taking valium for panic attacks and vicodan for pain plus zoloft for depression / panic attacks i got pregnant 2almost 3 yrs ago, my finacee begged for a child i already had 3 but all grown the oldest 23 and 2 grandchildren 3yrs & 4 yrs old i now have my own 2 yr old. i never thought i could make it thru those pregnancy at the time epidurals and injections were helping me somewhat but my obgyn agreed with my family doctor that my medicine was ok to take during pregnancy, due to how bad i would be without it, i was a high risk being 38 yrs old plus the baby was being monitored alot by ultrasound for growing so fast. well i had alot of early labor were they gave me meds in the hospital via iv and sent me home and back for about a month. then i had my son 6 weeks premature. well embarrassed was a social worker from the hospital taping her car for me to call her to my sons incubator after i was discharged he was in the hospital for a week. no problems he was eating a breathing on his own and was a hefty 7lb 3 z and 20 inch. long same as my first child full term, well i was the talk of the icu pediatrics i heard from the social worker said a nurse said i looked scared when i seen the card to call her..? what? and i was abusing my medicine??? i had tons of blood work they should of checked right? i was only taking one valium and 1 vicodan a day by my own choice thru my pregnancy and was aloud to take 4-6 a day of each. the nerve of these people. i showed them my prescription dates in my purse and said see the date from may its september this is a month supply. i said take my blood now whatever you got to do, she changed her additude quickly and said you know because of your history i have to ask you questions. i lived in nj at the time and been going to the same obgyn 7 yrs before this pregnancy in ny. so they thought i was hiding a secret drug history because i chose to give birth at my obgyn's hospital. duh i like my doctor and this is his hospital he knows the medicine im on and guress what he wrote my prescriptions sometimes too because i had to come here every week due to high risk and had no time to go to my family doctor too just for my regular meds. so believe me i know how you feel. the rude phone call from the big chain cv? when my doctor called in percocets when i sprained my ankle around christmas last year had a fit who's this doctor what kind of doctor you just picked up your refill of vicodan last week, ,,,aAND? I SPRAINED MY ANKLE AND IM TAAKING THE PERCOCET THIS WEEK DUH NOT AT THE SAME TIME AS THE VICODAN DONT WORRY MISTER PHARMACIST. SO NOW I STICK WITH THE FRIENDLY SMALL PHARMACIES THAT MY DOCS KNOW WELL. HONEY I HOPE YOU CAN TOLERATE ALITTLE PAIN AND BE PREPARED JUST IN CASE YOU CANT GET YOUR USUAL DOSE START CUTTING ALITTLE SO YOU DONT HAVE TO GO COLD TURKEY LIKE MY DOC DID TO ME .. VOMITING AND SHAKING IN FRONT OF MY 2 YEAR OLD.. AND THEN HE CALLED ME IN 3 DAYS WORTH TOLD ME TO COME IN FOR THE HARDCOPY SCRIPT AND NEVER GAVE IT TO ME. BUT I HAD THAT FEELING AND USED THAT 3 DAY SUPPLY OF PERCOCET TO WEAN OFF AND IT REALLY DID WORK BUT I DID HAVE THE VICODAN FOR BACK UP TOO. IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED OR WANT TO TALK SEND ME A PRIVATE MAIL HONEY. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THERE ARE SO MANY KIND UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE ON THIS SITE, YOU WILL GET THE HELP YOU NEED, BUT PLEASE DO NOT USE THAT BIG WORD SUICIDE YOU CAN DO THIS WE ALL CAN.

    HUGS & KISSES, DAWN
  • Please make sure that you make it to your appt on the 7th and don't cancel. Since this is a new doc, I would think that a brief history of your pain meds and treatments and pain cycles written down for the doc would be helpful. That way you don't forget anything if you get nervous or upset.

    Best wishes,

    "C"
  • I echo what others above me have said so well.

    All on this website have chronic pain and walk a walk like yours so know you are not alone. Your story makes me angry at the injustices you have suffered.

    I hope you will make a list of the people who LOVE YOU and put it somewhere you can see it every day. something i do is make lists of positive affirmations as well and read them. Cheryl Richardson's website is good for this. Keeps me out of negative self talk. :)

    So you are reminded to think good things.. This helps me when I am thinking negative and go down the spiral of bad thoughts which leads to thoughts of giving up.

    I pray God send you strength to keep going...each day is a new day and fresh promise. If you are not a believer in God, then your own higher power...please reach out to everyone positive in your world.

    Hugs to you.
  • FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SAY "CONGRATULATIONS" FOR BEING DONE WITH THE LOUSY- LOW -LIFE-TRAILER-TRASHY BOYFRIEND. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! YOU READ THE POSTS. THOSE OF US WHO HAVE GOOD PARTNERS--WE STILL HURT AND STILL HAVE PROBLEMS BUT THEY CARE FOR US AND TAKE CARE OF US AND DON'T PLACE DEMANDS ON US AND I(AT LEAST IN MY CASE) THEY DON'T DRINK. STAY WITH YOUR PARENTS FOR AWHILE. THEY LOVE YOU. THEY WON'T HURT YOU. I HAD ONE BAD EXPERIENCE WITH A PHARMACIST AT WALGREENS. IT WASN'T ALL THAT BAD BUT IT TICKED ME OFF AND I CALLED THE REGIONAL MANAGER OF WALGREENS STORES IN MY AREA. IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CALL WALGREENS' REGIONAL MANAGER ON YOUR BEHALF, PM ME AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO DO IT. I'LL DO IT AND YOU'LL GET A WRITTEN APOLOGY. AND I'LL LIKE DOING IT (ESPECIALLY IF I'M HAVING A BAD PAIN DAY). I WON'T YELL OR ANYTHING BUT I WILL MAKE MY POINT. WE ALL NEED TO BE BETTER ORGANIZED. BEFORE MY INJURY, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE LIVING WITH PAIN AND, OH, THE INCREDIBLE RELUCTANCE OF DOCTORS TO DEAL WITH IT, THIS PART OF THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY IS VERY CONFLICTED AND AMBIVALENT. WE NEED TO FIND THE CASH AND RUN SOME TV ADS EXPLAINING CHRONIC PAIN AND ASKING FOR MONEY FOR RESEARCH. DOES ANY BODY HERE WORK WITH ANY ORGANIZATIONS REPRESENTING OUR LITTLE GROUP IN WASHINGTON? ANYWAY GABRIELLA, DON'T LET OTHERS DEFINE YOU. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THAT'S WHAT COUNTS. SUSAN
  • Stockbroker. Gabriela, you are not alone anymore. We will all support and understand you. You are doing well to be done with that lowlife. He did not deserve you and you know the old saying....what comes around goes around? I would not bet that your parents would be glad to be rid of you. No parent ever wants to outlive their child. Think of as many positive people and things in your life as you can and hopefully that will give you the strength to rise above all of these morons that have treated you so badly. The only suggestion that I would have for you if you truly think that lowering your meds is in your best interest is to possibly find a methadone clinic near you. Forget what others think. You are the only one that you need to impress. Keep on going to docs with your head held high. You have done nothing wrong. You will find one that remembers what the hipocratic (sp?) oath is all about. Oh, and it would be pretty darn hard to scare us away. Good luck and please keep on posting.
  • Ok here you are, a wonderful fully realised human being with all the worth and dignity worthy owed to a person, never ever forget that K? never ever let someone degrade what is perfectly good and wonderfull in Gods eyes, no one here has a right to degrade you,EVER! feeling sad is part of the process of being handled in an outragious manner, dirtbag boyfriend isnt worth your time or nuerons, leave him to the lawyers and behind you.
    Your gonna be allright, but you have to believe it first! you will come out the other side of this stronger and better, and again, you have to believe. I am sad at the way youve been made to feel less than worthy, no has any right to impose on your beautiful and shiny spirit that way! I say shiny cause your still on your feet and still fighting, even though you may not feel like you are. this is the good fight, this is a rightous battle for which you are fully prepared and ready to join, dont be afraid, youve got a whole mess of enraged and informed spiney's ready to fling it all to the winds and come to your aid, its what we do, its what we believe, in people like you . your a wonderful and peerless creation, fully worthy of love , dignity and respect, so..
    demand it!
    your going to be fine, believe it or not, this will pass, and you will be stronger, you may not feel it right now, but you will!
    dont give up, you have rights, you can go to the ER and seek help, find a place, stand your ground, demand your rights as a person of worth and dignity, give a chance to the services of some proffesional help,
    I want to tell you something,
    there is no shame in reaching for help when you want it, there is no shame in wanting to reach out those wonderful arms of yours to ask.
    here we are all equal
    we all have demons to battle every day, every hour,
    we are stronger for reaching out and grabbing the hand that helps us,
    some one said..
    when you cant run anymore
    you crawl
    when you cant crawl anymore...
    you find someone to carry you
    you would do mit in a heart beat,
    you would rush to the aid of someone reaching out, you would take them in your arms and hold them, hold them up, carry them, and when you couldnt anymore, you look and ask,and there is always someone there to hold you. never fear, there is always help, all you have to do is ask,
    dont think of taking the ultimate step, your way better than that, find some help, keep in contact with us, and we'll weather this storm together...
    we'll ride the storm down till there is onle calm waters
    we will ok?
    but we need you to reach out so someone can get hold of you
    there is someone always there to drop what their doing and rush to the aid of one of their own.
    Ive got to go for right now, but, I will look for you , others, will look for you,some will pray, I, will pray, for angels to come down all around you and protect you in this dark hour of need. reach out and ask for help at the hospital, or, someone left a number,for help too, there is always a place to go, and someone to talk to, dont be ashamed, there is absolutly nothing to ba ashamed of, dont be afraid, there is help waiting to come, take care of your self K?
    there will be peace
    as John would say..."be kind to yourself"
    Ranch
  • for your responses. i don't have anything to do with my ex-fiance anymore. i just can't stop thinking about it. i have post-traumatic stress disorder due to a previous abusive marriage, and the new jerk--first intimate relationship in 7 years because i wanted to heal from marriage--has made it all come back, so my nerves are fried.

    the anxiety/panic just makes the pain worse, and coupled with not being able to find a pain mgt. doctor and treated like criminal by pharmacies, etc., it's just overwhelming.

    thank you for your support. i need to hear that i'm not bad. i just can't stop crying.

    i have an appt. with a neurosurgeon today. i doubt he will do anything, but i didn't know how else to get someone to rx a new mri, since my last one was in 2006 and i really want to find out why i hurt so badly.

    i don't know what to say to him, to be honest. i'm so scared now, and i know i will break down crying. what do i say to him? do i tell him that i've been turned down by 5 pain mgt. doctors--2 of which told me to pretend i never came in. i don't want to be on the meds anymore. i want someone to help me taper off of them and i can't do that unless i get some treatment for the sacral pain at the same time. i've tried and i've succeeded in detoxing, but the real pain keeps interfering. i'm too afraid of hospitals to go into an inpatient though. i also have like most people in pain a very complicated way of sleeping. tempurpedic bed with two huge pillows between the thighs and knees on both sides, ice packs and a shiatsu heating machine, which i use alternately, etc. the thought of sleeping on a hospital like bed for 2 weeks would hurt too much. and i have two kitty-cats who keep me alive. they love me and need me.

    i just am so frightened now that i don't know what to say to either the neurosurgeon or the last pain doctor in the area on the 7th. if i tell them the truth, that in addition to the 11 years of chronic pain, i'm also suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder that's recently been aggravated, etc., and that i'm suicidally depressed, i think i'll just scare them away.

    i went to a psychiatrist and when i told him whatever i could say in 40 minutes, he just said that it seemed that my depression/anxiety was circumstantial and there was really nothing he could do as far as prescribing medications. silly me, i thought he was going to talk to me.

    i'm trying to make an appt. with a psychologist now who specializes in trauma, but, honestly, i don't know how much more trauma i can take. i think i'm so hypersensitive now that if i get turned down again by another doctor, i will just hide under the covers forever.

    i am so distressed by the way the pain doctors i've seen have treated me. i feel as if i'm losing all hope and that i'm worthless. i'm starting to grieve my own death because i don't see hope and I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I WANT A DOCTOR TO TALK TO ME, TO TAKE THE PROPER TESTS, TO FIND OUT WHAT'S CAUSING MY PAIN, AND TO FIX IT, OR AT LEAST MAKE IT SO I CAN GO TO THE MOVIES. i would love to get a job. i would love to be able to concentrate enough to finish the 3 novels i wrote that only need editing. i used to be so alive and now i do nothing.

    i just don't know where to get help. i told the last doctor that if he didn't want to prescribe meds, i would go through the detox, and asked him if he would at least give me some kind of epidural or other treatment so that the pain would be alleviated while i was cutting down on the meds. Unfortunately,he said no. it's so sad. he was one of the two closest doctors whom i can drive to on my own. i don't know why he wouldn't even do a procedure.

    (i still have some subutex, which i had asked for from my former pain mgt. doctor as my pain lvls were around 4 - 5 at the time and i wanted to see what my pain lvls were without the medication. i hate being on the high amount of meds. they make me anxious and i can't sleep. i don't know why people actually buy these for recreational use.)

    if the doctor on the 7th and today's doctor doesn't work out, will they do tests in the hospital if i just wait until i'm out of medications. i take them as directed so i will be out on the 30th.

    i have to get ready now. thanks for writing. you are all wonderful. i'm sorry i didn't get back earlier to respond. i didn't know anyone answered, but i guess i dont' have it set up right as it only tells me when i have a pm.

    i just don't get it. i've lost so much already from pain. i just want to be treated humanely. the stress is making it so much worse. i burned myself last night. i use intense pressure where it hurts as it seems to diffuse the pain--or maybe it just makes me feel that i control it--but it was so bad last night that i bruised and burned myself with the shiatsu machine. now i have a big welt on my sacral bone.

    i still remember when a radiologist gave me an injection of marcaine--18 hour anesthetic. i was able to direct him so that he could inject the anesthetic in the exact nerve. it's that localized. i did more activity in 18 hours than i do in 6 months, and i'm not exxagerating. pain drains energy like mad. but if a radiologist could inject the nerve that's causing all this pain with an anesthetic and it worked without any paraylysis or problems anywhere else,
    WHY CAN'T SOMEONE ABLATE OR CUT OR DO SOMETHING WITH THE NERVE SO THAT IT WILL BE GONE PERMANENTLY OR AT LEAST FOR MONTHS?

    thank you all for your wonderful words. i'm just sick of having no life, and i'm sick of fair-weather friends and being treated like a criminal. i just want to get this fixed so i can get off these medications, or at least cut down. i don't like any meds. the shrink put me on neurontin and it seemed like it was working a little for the pain, even though it made my mind dull. i'm on week 2 now, and the last two days, it hasn't seemed to work for the pain. i'm even more afraid of anti-depressants than opiates, as i tried cymbalta for a year and that was so horrible to taper off of.

    thank you for your prayers. you're all in mine as well.
  • Can't you tell the neurosurgeon your're having extreme pain and need something to help you and also something to help you sleep. Even a muscle relaxant or amitripylline can help you relax to sleep.I can't see how you're an abuser if you take what is prescribed and no more. I hope your appt. today goes well. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • >:D<
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I think you're heading in the right direction. I really hope your NS appt on Friday goes well. Let me give you a little advice. I know you're in a world of pain and sadness, and I think it will go well at the specialist if you are able to put yourself together and try to be calm. I'm saying this because some doctors might not listen to you and dismiss your complaints. I have heard of this happening a lot, esp. with women. I don't want this to happen to you; you need his help badly. It may be helpful to write down what you want to say so that it comes out precise and clear. I have done this myself in order to be focused. At times I get really nervous seeing a new doctor, and then I'll forget to say something that may be an important clue. I know how it's like to be at my wit's end and have suffered despair, not knowing if I'd get the help I needed.

    Just be honest with the doctor. The goal is to enlist him to be your advocate, and make him want to help you. Make sure you are treated with dignity and respect, and that you are listened to. Hopefully they'll order another MRI and get to the bottom of things, and most of all give you something for the pain.

    Everyone here is thinking about you and we all want your situation to improve. Please keep us posted as to how things go. You are a brave lady and I know you can overcome this, one day at a time.
  • I am so glad you got back to us! thats quite a load to carry and to have on a person. I see a couple of points where were alike, the nerve ablation, for 1, the surrounding nerves take the job on from the missing area, and for another, no doc this side of heck will try it. the bad is that along with phantom pain, there may be some loss of function in that part of your body may not work anymore, i asked a few docs if they could, they all said no.
    Dont be afraid, you have worth and due all the rights and dignitys anyone else deserves and you should demand...easyer said than done right.
    if you could find a way to prioritize the probs, but...
    there so many attacking you,If I could I too would give ya a big smothering,sloppy,breath stealing,old fashoned ranchie hug, (i give good hug!)
    dont be afraid is easyer said than done, I wish all these bad things never happened to you, but,they did, and your left holding the bag from someone elses stupidity...bummer
    hang in there and hold on tight, coz its gonna be wild for a while, but it will get better, there is nowhere left but up!
    you have the tools you need inside, you have honesty,and courage, ans the will to fight, put hands up chin down , start swingin! thats the spiney method,spiney foo if you will!
    one battle, one fight at a time, one step at a time and you WILL come out from under this cloud!
    never be afraid to ask, ever, you are worth more than gold, more than all the riches in the world!
    all the world will wonder at your tenacity and courage and grace you will display when the fight is on, they will remember you and remark on how wonderfull you are to take on these issues, thats you and the wonder that is you!
    hang on mama and its gonna be ok, its may take a while, but it'll happen, were gonna rot for ya, we'll be there to celebrate the victorys, and there to help you in the defeats. thats what spineys do, we watch out for each other K?
    dont forget the chat function too
    have a better night and we'll be lookin for ya!
  • Ranchand. I was going to say something deep and meaningful but, I think that Ranchhand covered all the bases. Good luck Gabriella and we will be rooting for you. Please post when you get a chance and let us know how it went.
  • thanks everyone.
    i posted yesterday's failed pain mgt. appt. on another thread. i don't get it, truly.

    i know i have to prioritize. i'm angry at the ex fiance because had he been honest, i would not be in this mess.

    but i need to focus on what i can do now.

    if worse comes to worse, i think i will check in the er and not leave until they do every test known to man.

    i'm sorry to hear about the ablations. that was my hope. i had tried two years ago to have it done, told the doctors i would gladly be paralyzed rather than stuck in bed every day and in so much pain that i can't even read. what good are legs if you can't walk anyway....

    i guess the doctors don't want to look bad, are afraid of being sued, etc.

    i just feel so unwanted. it doesn't seem to matter what i say to a doctor. yesterday's doctor seemed like a pain med pusher to me. i am still shaking me head that he refused to even look at mri films. after having a radiologist write a report in which my cervix looked fine, even though i didn't have a cervix as it was removed, is scary if a doctor is only going to look at the reports rather than the mri itself.

    sigh..... i am fighting for my life right now. not even the quality of my life. just my life. how long can a person withstand living in a torture chamber?

    i just want a doctor. if i could find a doctor who cared enough to take tests, do some diagnostics, etc., i would be happy to taper off the medications, no matter how much rebound pain there is.

    instead, i keep being told that i should not go off the medications but no doctor will rx. i don't want to ask my primary care doctor again. i'm ashamed at this point. he has enough problems as he's being investigated for prescribing medications, probably to all the patients who were dropped by the pain clinics.

    i just don't understand. it's enough to have to deal with chronic pain. why must we deal with emotional abuse from those who we pay to help us.

    one of my friends thinks i should get an attorney. no one seems to understand why no one wants to treat me.

    all i know is that if a radiologist was able to inject marcaine with my help directly into the nerve that hurts, someone must be able to manipulate, cauterize, or do something to ease the pain.

    but i can't even get a doctor to listen. the last one just kept calling me sweetie, as if i were some idiot and haven't spent the past 10 years researching how to get out of pain.

    sigh again.....

    tomorrow i have an appt. with the last pain doctor within 1/2 hour drive, which is hell enough.

    please send prayers. thanks. i'm thinking of all of you as well.
  • Who knows, maybe the doc tomorrow will be the one that can and will help you. I agree with you about the rhizotomy, it has always worked well for me. Good luck and I will be thinking positive thoughts for tomorrows visit.
  • Your a wonder fighter, let it carry you through these rough times. Ive been in your shoes, if you look down, you'll see my footprints ahead of you, but , if you look up at the sun, you'll see me there too, I wish i could be there to ease the way, to smooth the path before you, I wish the way was easy,and the sun at your back. but the way is not easy or short, but you will make it, coz your here and that is a start.
    Pain is a seive
    it separates the bullpoo from whats real. you will find what is the world for you now, is only a refleaction of whats really behind the vail of tears.
    Tears are the lubrication for life, without them , hope wouldnt grow.
    grab hold of yourself and hang on tight, coz this life can be a wild ride!
    and you dont have to go it alone ok?
    fear, anger, desperation have been your friends too long, letting go of these old companions is the hardest thing, when thats all youve had for the longest time.
    your a fine girl and a beautiful person, youn shine whether you know it or not.
    Your going to light the way soon for those who are too afraid to come forward, too afraid to make a sound for fear the bad will find them.
    If you can be brave for one moment, you acn be brave for all time,
    Its what you do when it counts that makes us human
    being...
    these problems will pass from your life like a hot breeze
    you will look back with unbridled pride one shining day, strong proud and free of these passions that have a death grip on you.
    focus on what you are, wonderful and brave and true, unafraid of the truth!
    You can handle these bad times coz the better times coming are through this path
    dont be afraid, no matter where or when you are your never alone..EVER!
    reach, put your hands out, no tear staind heart ever goes unanswered!
    there will be beauty in your life again!

    Though you may be deep in the vally of the shadow of death, you will never fear...
    you know why??
    COZ YOUR GOING TO BE THE TOUGHEST MF IN THERE!(forgive please)
    thats why
    my army buddy told me that when I was at the darkness and afraid to look in..
    He's in Iraq right now, watching over me and you.
    so..
    frommme and him
    were gonna look out for our own, and woe be to the person who'll put you down, or any fear crossin your brow, coz soon, your gonna be the strongest,orneryest? person here, and you'll be watching over me,
    us spineys are special, we feel deeper, love harder,and feel different, coz life has imposed on us and made us different, kinda like the forge, whe have to lose all the dross, to get to the silver and gold in all of us, to expose our true soulto the world.
    The armor of your mettle will test the metal of any armor.

    So when youre ready, we'll be right here,waiting and watching over one of our own K?

    i'll give you a hint on where to start.
    an its the hardest of all
    only if your ready read on...

    well I guess your ready,
    ACCEPTANCE..
    bend to the will of your life right now, bend and you wont break.
    accept who and what you are and dont be afraid.
    its will ease the transition to your new life,
    coz your going to have a brand new one soon.
    SO...

    When your ready
    well be here waiting
    all the love and respect
    RANCH
  • Gabriella
    believe it or not you are already a survivor. You have managed, stepped back analyzed your situation and you have so far succeeded to help yourself. Your are not at the point you expect yourself to be in but you have made your steps to get there. Make a goal of where you want to be in a year from now in your life and your health but start by making shortterm goals starting for a month or two from now.
    Please do have a Rx and medical history written to the best that you can remember. This is such good help cuz if your memory is like mine it has a tendacy to forget at the doctors office. "THIS IS THE PLACE" to get great advice and help.
    Ranchhand you are awesome. You made me cry. That is some encouragement
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