I am slowly coming to the realisation that my pain issues are ultimately going to have an immense effect on all aspects of my life. Each day so far since all this started is a race against pain and time. It is me saying blah blah my back hurts I am in pain. This situation appears to be making me very self centred. It's not intentional it's just it engulfs your entire existence.
It's just that I want to be well again. I don't want to be in this situation. I want to be at a point were I can go back to work. I want my life back! Is that too much to ask for?
As for work I am a scrub nurse in ortho theatres realisticaly I know my back will never tolerate the physicality that the job entails. This means something new but nobody is going to touch me with a ten foot barge pole at the moment. Will my current employer re-deploy me to lighter duties in turn will they downgrade me? Will 22 years continous service mean anything?
This in turn terrifies me as I am the major bread winner. I have sixty days full pay left then its half pay and I dont know how the bills are going to get paid. How are we going to keep a roof over our heads.
Pain wise it seems to be good and bad days. I get up and within ten minutes imeadiatley I am reminded of the pain. Its not always the level of pain it is the constancy of the pain. Its always there it rules my life. But this is so hard to explain to people.
Physio well that seems to be making the situation worse as for anything else well its a battle to convince the docs that my pain my sciatica the numbness ect ect are worth doing something about.
Its all about being passed from pillar to post. Yet in the meantime there is no resolution to anything. Meds wise its Lyrica, codiene paracetamol tramadol and voltarol suppositories. All of wich are limited in their effectiveness. Then there are the anti depressents that I am taking not a great big dose but I do wonder if this flags me up as hysterical in the minds of the docs? Who knows.....
On a more positive note my partner is amazingly supportive. She is a ray of sunshine the love of my life. But boy do I feel guilty. She is not getting the best of me everything we want to do is dependent on how good or bad a day I am having. yet she is so patient. But is does not stop me feeling bad about things. She didn't sign up to this. She got a positive happy determined individual 2 years ago. But now here I am a burden who at 38 feels like 110 on a bad day.
So what am I going to do? Got to get well get a new job pay the bills and learn to accept that life has changed and is going to change.
This post is more about getting it all down whats on my mind things I don't articualte out loud. Thanks for listening.
L5/S1 disc herniation
left leg sciatica