I recently had a pain pump implant (end of August). I'm fairly happy with the pain relief it has brought me (though they are still adjusting a few things), but overall it has gotten me off of the more heavy duty meds like Fentenyal, and allowed me to rely only on breakthrough meds. So, life is good right?
Well, here's my problem...I am having some hang ups over my own vanity issues with the pump. I am only 23-years-old, and and am slender, petite female, who has always had a flat stomach and decent figure. Now, with this implant, I feel like my stomach isn't something I want to show off anymore. (not like I was wearing around belly shirts or anything like that before. I'm a teacher so I dress professionally and conservatively during the week, and am a jeans and t-shirt girl on the weekends. But I feel like I am wearing looser clothes, and also don't want to look at myself in the mirror without a shirt on anymore because of how it looks to me.) Because of my spinal curve, my PM had to put my pump closer to my midsection (otherwise it would catch on my hip bone/rib) so it's about an inch to the left of my belly button. It sticks out about an inch under my skin because I don't have that much fat to cover it up. I have an approximately 6 inch scar across the pump area, and another scar on my back now where they drew up the leads. I think the scar draws even more attention to it, but I've been trying to use vitamen E oil to minimize the scarring.
I've had these random pangs of total sadness that I've lost the way that I looked before my surgery. Before I got the pump, and the doctor explained to me that it would definitely visibly stick out, I didn't care at all and just wanted to feel better. And of course while I am SO THANKFUL that it is helping, I'm still having these small feelings of regret about the fact that I'm 23 and am suddenly no longer happy about my shape.
I feel ridiculous for feeling like this, because I know that it doesn't look any worse than before I got this done and I was riding around in a wheelchair because my pain was so bad. My fiance has reassured me over and over that he doesn't notice it anymore, and that he doesn't care about it at all and is still just as attracted to me. But I think I feel it's more obvious than he lets on, based off of people's reactions when they first see it (usually they're shocked, as there is basically a hockey puck sticking out from my gut! I understand that it's not like they're disgusted, and just surprised seeing something unexpected like an obvious implant into someone (not an everyday thing to see), but I feel like that's adding to my self-consciousness about it)
I'm not sure how to let this go, because I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. I am not usually an vain person, but I am still sad about this one little thing. In the big picture I really don't care - you can bet I'll still be rockin' my bikini come summer!
But how do I make myself let go of the change that this has caused to my appearance, and accept that it's really not that big of a deal?