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Steve's Friday Funnies

stevebssteveb Posts: 95
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Lighten and Brighten
Several years have gone by since I started my blog/thread on the old message board. In that thread, I always posted a Friday funny, mostly to entertain my fellow BP sufferers, but also to entice people to read my incoherent ramblings. I guess I will continue the tradition, but only include funnies.

If anyone else has a funny they would like to share, please feel free to add them. One can never laugh enough. Here is the first edition:

A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day they went to
her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told
his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt. He put on his
shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his
wife demanded. "I can't
lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary. We had
sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"
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13

Comments

  • he got off lucky, didn't he?! :jawdrop:
  • Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?

    To see what was on the other side.
  • Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too
  • Thanks for the chuckles.
  • A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

    The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

    "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

    The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

    The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

    The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
  • Yeah, it's good to be "discreet"... And know everything you possibly can about your "intended's" family!

    Thanks for the laughs, Steve!

    Jeaux
  • The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."








    (keep going)






    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
    bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
    want a bed near the window?"
  • When girls don't put out!!
    This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

    I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
  • I come here every Friday looking for my weekly dose of funny.

    Got any rabbits left in your bag of goodies you can share with us? Laughter may not be the BEST medicine, but it sure is a close second!

    Jejaux
  • Sorry guys but my computer took a big dump and I lost all of my bookmarks, files and everything else.

    I'll post a couple of funnies shortly.
  • Why was the blond disappointed when she got her drivers license?
    She saw she got a F in sex.....
  • A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

    The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

    The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting.. why did you name them such names?"

    The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"
  • For a moment, I thought it was Friday. Watch dogs! Good one!

    Glad to have you back, Steve!

    Jeaux
  • The door bell rings and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
  • An imprisoned convict escaped after serving 25 years of a life sentence for 1st degree murder. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

    He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.

    Suddenly he got up, looked at the husband and said, "Don't try anything funny. I'm coming right back." and left the room.

    As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound upon the bed in a skimpy nightgown.

    He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

    "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
  • I was really hoping to see your Friday Funnies here this morning!

    I liked them both. Thanks for the laugh!!

    Jeaux
  • I'm not real good with the chat room. I can't type fast enough to keep up, and by the time I type a response, that conversation has already shifted directions. It's frustrating for me. Four people is all I can handle in a chat session. I'll try again though.
  • Keep the friday funnies rolling steve..they help to keep some of us sane!
    Keep positive!

    Bruce

    ...an old timer here and ex-moderator

  • A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

    The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

    "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

    "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
  • Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My loving wife
    Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
    P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
  • a bear walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What can I get you?" The bear replies I'll have a gin......... ....................... ........................ ................................. ................................................ .........................................

















    and tonic..." the bartender asks, "what is with the big pause?"

    the bear replies, "HELLO I'm A BEAR!"
  • Hello I'm a bear! Actually they were all 3 funny as all git out!

    Thank you Steve! It's wonderful having something to look forward to! ... your funnies in case you were wondering..

    Jeaux
  • A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called
    the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your
    boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your
    private life.
    If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or BothersomeEmployerElimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery
    store.
  • An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

    "There's something wrong with my d***," he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said,You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
    The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,knowing he had taken her Advice "What is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
  • Two Trees.



    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

    A small tree begins to grow between them,
    and the beech says to the birch,
    "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The birch says he cannot tell.
    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
    Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
    He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
    It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

    Now wipe that smile off your face.
  • jeauxbert said:
    Hello I'm a bear! Actually they were all 3 funny as all git out!

    Thank you Steve! It's wonderful having something to look forward to! ... your funnies in case you were wondering..

    Jeaux
    I'm glad you are enjoying them.
  • Not sure I can compete with the caliber of jokes from Steve (incredibly funny -- it feels good to laugh!)

    An elderly woman called 911 on her cellphone
    to report that her car had been broken into.

    "They've stolen everything! The radio, my
    dashboard compass, even the steering wheel!!!"

    The dispatcher responded, "Stay calm. a
    police officer is on the way."

    Minutes later, the officer arrived and radioed in.

    "Disregard that last call.......
    She got in the backseat by mistake."

    Have a nice weekend and may everyone have good eyesight!
  • Those were incredibly funny! Can't pee out of it! And "she got in the back seat by mistake!"

    Too much funny!

    Thanks!

    Jeaux
  • Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

    Toes go in First.
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