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hubby adjusting again

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,670
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Matters of the Heart
It's going on five years now, and for the past four I have been unable to work because of chronic pain and not being able to find a job that I can do with limitations. :<
About 6 months ago I started working for my local paper as a reporter, something I've wanted to do all my life. I was never formally trained, but have been writing all my life. It's the perfect job. I don't have to punch a clock. I'm allowed to write at home and the interviews and meetings are only an hour or so.
Right after my surgery my husband was afraid I would break if I did anything. He took care of everything, the house, the kids, the bills, the animals, everything but dinner. (Food runs from him unless he's eating it. It's afraid it will be mangled, burned or butchered, if you know what I mean)
Since I've been working he's gone from "You're doing too much, to did you do laundry today? I thought you were going to go to the store, are you going to watch this with me?
I'm not really sure what to think :? He doesn't sound like he's worried, like he did before. He sounds angry with me.
I'm still limited and between taking care of myself (managing pain is a full time job in itself) and working, I know the time I have is kind of limited, but what's new?

Anybody else have anything like this going on in their life? I've tried talking to him and he assures me everythig is fine. If it is, it sure doesn't feel like it.



  • I bet that you will find many members have had to or are dealing with the same exact thing. This could very easily turn into a battle of wits between the sexes and get knocked off track. Every household has things set to run a specific way prior to anyone getting hurt. For a short time, it is easy for the other family member or members to pick up the slack. Once things seem to be getting better, a couple of struggles begin to take place. One of course is that the chronic pain sufferer wants to be able to do things again like before and as soon as possible! It's nice for the spouse to feel "big" by not allowing this to happen, but soon the novelty wears off when they realize how much work it all is!

    It's the same problem we run into, because our pain for a large part, is invisible. Of course everyone wants the chronic pain to go away for good and many believe that surgery is the end all for that. Fix ya right up and put you back in the kitchen ...

    Communication is the key though. I have to tell my husband what I can and cannot do. When it changes from one day to another, I have to let him know. So one day I can do all the laundry and the grocery shopping, but the next day I'm wiped out and can't function. So instead of expecting me to do both again on the same day, I have to remind him I need to either split it up or get some help.

    I also have to be willing to hear when my husband is just tired of doing so much and when he needs a break. I have to let him have his time to "recharge", otherwise he begins to regret having to do things, that normally he enjoys.

    I hope this makes sense.

  • Zach, you are absolutely right! I found that after 34 years of marriage, if I wanted something, I had to ask for it. I spent so many years wondering, "Why doesn't he do so and so for me? He should KNOW what I want, feel, etc." Men, generally, are not good at picking up clues! Ya really have to spell it out for them! Not bashing men, mind you (gotta love'em), just giving my opinion.
  • I don't know Joy...don't let men off so easily with that black and white marlarky. Now this is just my opinion: If a man really loves a woman, he'll "do whatever is necessary to make it happen"...please. Half the men in he world need to get off of their ass and help in whatever ways are required. Attitude? You need to get rid of it. Life is hard and it takes two to make a marriage and home...anything else can hit the road. My wife and I work. I choose to do the laundry, vacuum, cut the grass, take the trash out (which is a husband's duty, grocery shop, cook a lot, etc...why? because I love my wife...that coming home to slippers, a pipe and paper is long gone (or today it's supper, a beer and a football game or cards with the buddies). One can do what they want to...period. I'm sorry to go on like this, but that just strikes a nerve in me like nothing else. I truly don't know why the divorce rate is not much higher than it is!

    *I was not taking a shot at anything anyone said, anyone's views or takes on the subject
  • Hey, Joy,

    Him loving me, is why I do. Think about it, that is. We've been together 10 years and married for 5. Unfortunately, life has been hard. My mom died in 2000, my dad, who was like my husband's best friend and golfing buddy died in 2003. We spent our first anniversary in Cleveland Clinic with him recovering from cancer surgery where they removed his whole colon. His treatment lasted almost a year. A year later, I broke my back. A year later I almost died from a staph infection after a hysterectomy.
    I know him well enough to know when something is bothering him. He him haws around for about 3 months and finally tells me. It doesn't matter if I talk to him. He doesn't budge until he's ready. :>
    In the mean time, because I have no idea what's bothering him I worry, and of course, because like most men whatever's bugging him whether it has to do with me, or something else, I'm the one that gets all the grumpy complaining. And, until he tells me, I of course think it has something to do with me. And this time it probably does.
    He's the kind of guy who likes his shoes in the same place, folds his pants when he takes them off, and stacks the coins when he takes them out of his pocket. He doesn't do change well, and here we are with me working and things changing again. I just wish I knew what to do to make the transition a little easier.

    Thanks for listening! O:)

    Oh, and by the way, if he were to mix the salad it would run, too. I've never seen anyone, male or female mame innocent food in the name of cooking the way he can.
  • What I wouldn't give to have to pick up after my hubby again! We had very different ideas about "what makes a home looked lived in!" His idea was that everything stayed where he put it (even if that meant his socks were hanging from the fridge). My choice was that they were either with the dirty laundry, in the drawer, or on his feet! Oh, well. Just love'em while you still have'em. I never really appreciated what a good man I had until he was gone!
  • In dealing with pain we develop a strategy of coping and that need to act normally infers that we can do things beyond our capability. In not making a fuss I gave the impression that everything was OK, living that dual existence is my mode of coping and we all need to communicate that notion that although we may look alright the effort needed to do the simplest of things is disproportionate to the concerted effort required.

    In our residential PM our partners were asked to contribute in a discussion in what it was like living and supporting a person in chronic pain and they too had similar frustration in trying to help the at time frustrated angry and depressed person who used to be a different person, so this aspect does have two sides. We sometime expect our carers to be mind readers and read the nuances of the game face we present with perceived clarity, at times even we do not know who we are and should not be critical of those trying to help, when nothing seems appropriate. Homogenising individuals can be equally valid for both sexes and although we all acknowledge we are different we are individual. Pain stifles communication and develops resentments that grow out of all proportion to the initial problem; things go unsaid and too many opinions given when we are not at our best.

    That transition come with honesty and being given the opportunity to voice and opinion, maybe he has a reason why he keeps thing to himself, relationships take effort and we are all looking for improved harmony, we need more exploration of the difficulties of communication while in pain and what it is like to live with us. Have you asked him how he feels, to be fair if I need a kick up the pants from my wife I get it, irrespective of my condition, ouch! it seems to be working !!! I thought of that all on my own.

    Some men’s concept of multi-tasking is doing the same thing twice, it made me smile.

    John……....... a man.
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