:< <--- That pretty much describes me...every day...every night...
First I want to apologize for being 'away' for so long. I thought I could kick the depression demons away like I usually do and get back to posting in a short amount of time, but it's not working. I'm sorry for not being here for you all like I should be, and I can't even say when I will be "me" again-IF I'll ever be "me" again.
I'll try not to make this a 'novel'-I've written too many of those on these boards and I know how they irritate everyone (and I don't blame ya'll for it either cause it even irritates ME that they're so bloody long!).
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore-I'm absolutely exhausted, still not sleeping nearly enough although I AM at least getting SOME sleep now which I guess is an improvement. Some days I do stay in bed all day, dozing in and out, but it's never a quality sleep, and it's never for very long.
My pain is spreading, and my PMP is being weird. He filled out my SSDI eval papers and basically what I can tell you is that if I were the SSA and I read them, I wouldn't approve me, because it sounds like I can work and don't have pain! But it doesn't make sense because #1 he's sticking me in the spine every 3 months, and he was totally on board with this before..? I've had 2 appts with him, each one to ask him about my treatment plan and why he wrote the answers he wrote on those papers, and neither time did I get a straight answer out of him. In fact at the last appt he asked me if I even "really need" my pain meds anymore???? I told him he can take me off of them if he wants to but it would leave me literally in bed crying 24 hours a day because I can FEEL that things are getting worse. After 45 mins I finally got him to agree to send me for another MRI (my last one was a year ago last Aug). He said that if it shows that I am, indeed, getting worse, he will re-do my SSDI papers (umm, OK???) but that if it shows that I'm getting better he'll have to report that too! :O How the hell does he think I could be getting better when I have DDD, Stenosis, and herniations in every lumbar disc? Not to mention the entire left leg/foot numbness/tingling (which is spreading now too to other areas but I won't get into that here-it's already longer than I intended).
Anyway, aside from that, financially I am just at my wits end. I'm so tired of worrying every day how the bills are going to get paid, how to keep gas in my car and all the other life stuff that needs money. Right now my gas tank is below E and I have to get the kids to/from school every day, not to mention that an arctic front is coming which means below 0* temps at night and single digit temps during the day which is a surefire recipe for gas line freeze.
I'm beginning to think the psych that diagnosed me with bipolar type 1 a couple years ago was right. I've pretty much denied it and just attributed it to situational depression because my life has been shit for as far back as I can remember for one reason or another. My PCP also feels it's situational, but to be honest, I haven't BEEN honest with him about everything either. I just didnt want the "label" associated with BPD and I didn't want him to think any less of me. I mean, I don't lie to him but I just haven't told him everything, like how when I ever DO get a decent amount of money I spend it uncontrollably (99% of the time it's on the kids or someone else...very rarely on me) or some of the other stuff I go thru. But I did make an appt to see him about it because I feel like I need to get back on meds (Seroquel was great at stabilizing me, but I almost felt like I didn't FEEL anything...I didn't get so down, but I didn't get overly happy either-it was kinda like being numb I guess). Unfortunately, because it is that time of year that keeps our PCP's busy, that appt took over 2 months to get here (it's on Friday). I'm thinking maybe I should ask about getting a referral to go back to the psych (I was only approved by medicaid for 10 appts back when I was seeing him).
I know this is long, I'm trying not to make it any longer than necessary, but I just have to get this last part out so please bear with me, OK? I'm so sorry!
I have completely become introverted-I'm a hermit! I keep the curtains all closed, I only leave the place when I absolutely have to, like to take the kids somewhere or when we're out of food, milk, etc. If it were up to me I'd stay in bed forever, smoking my cigarettes and staring at the tv, most of the time not even aware of what show is on because I'm only staring at it, not processing it. I spend very little time with my kids, only cook once or twice a week (my oldest has been doing that), only eating cereal in the late night hours and the occasional chocolates here and there, sucking on jolly ranchers to keep me from smoking very much because I can't afford my smokes as much as I need them right now (tried quitting....BIG disaster, for me AND the boys! I honestly don't feel this is the time for that....not when I'm THIS down). I don't get on the computer much because I don't want to talk/type to anyone, and when I do it's only to see how much I owe for bills, if my bank accounts have any money in them, and a weather blog for my area. I only acknowledge the emails that I feel I HAVE to and do my best to ignore the rest. I have no desire to talk to anyone...not here on SH, not email, not instant messenger, and certainly not on the phone! My calls go to voicemail, my email inbox gets full and e's just get deleted, most of which I don't even read. Hell, this is the most I've typed since I don't know when! (I did post to the thread about the infected tooth-that pain is also not helping my situation!)
Christmas was nice....I think I even smiled a few times-of course it was really the 23rd because the 2 younger boys I dropped off at their dads on Christmas Eve. Christmas day was back to my 'normal' deep darkness filled with physical pain, emotional torment, and buckets of tears. I'm so pathetic that I'm even tearing up over commercials that I do happen to pay attention to on tv!
The thing is, I KNOW what's happening, and I KNOW it's not good for my boys-who are my absolute everything-but I simply cannot make it stop! It's been months like this....
OK I've said more than enough and I'm so tempted to go back and delete a bunch of this (or not even post at all unless it's behind the fake happy face I put on when I feel I have to). Maybe I'll vent some more of what's going on at another time but right now I have to get off here...I'm just too worked up over thinking about being so down. I have to admit that this has gotta be the most down I've ever been and it's definitely the longest I've been like this-but the difference now is that this time I'm putting my kids' well being in priority-I will not do anything stupid like I did 10 years ago (that was also in January-28th to be exact). I know they don't like me very much right now, but I love them too much to do that to them. I'm thinking about letting the youngest one go live with his dad (middle one already does)...he keeps begging me to-who the hell am I to say he's better with me just because I'm the mom, ya know? I don't think he is better off with me...I can't give him anything and at least his dad/step mom both work. I haven't worked in almost 4 years-that's 4 years the boys have had to do without so many things! The oldest one doesn't have a father anymore (as of 3 years ago) which is a good thing because he's an....well you get the picture...but I wish I could just move to Florida and be near my mum & dad-maybe that would help me to feel better, but I don't know how I could even do it. I can't even afford to get my kids to the bus this morning and that's only 5 miles away...not the 1500 miles away my 'rents are :''(
OK, I'm done...thanks for letting me vent, and no I don't expect any of you to be able to help or to even know what to say, I just knew that you'd listen and I needed to let someone know just how deeply messed up I am. This is beyond depression-it has to be...I can usually pull myself back up before too long but this time the harder I try, the further down I get.
Thanks for listening (reading)...I do so appreciate it.