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Almost 4 years and counting...

EMTgoneNUTZEEMTgoneNUTZ Posts: 321
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Depression and Coping
:< <--- That pretty much describes me...every day...every night...

First I want to apologize for being 'away' for so long. I thought I could kick the depression demons away like I usually do and get back to posting in a short amount of time, but it's not working. I'm sorry for not being here for you all like I should be, and I can't even say when I will be "me" again-IF I'll ever be "me" again.

I'll try not to make this a 'novel'-I've written too many of those on these boards and I know how they irritate everyone (and I don't blame ya'll for it either cause it even irritates ME that they're so bloody long!).

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore-I'm absolutely exhausted, still not sleeping nearly enough although I AM at least getting SOME sleep now which I guess is an improvement. Some days I do stay in bed all day, dozing in and out, but it's never a quality sleep, and it's never for very long.

My pain is spreading, and my PMP is being weird. He filled out my SSDI eval papers and basically what I can tell you is that if I were the SSA and I read them, I wouldn't approve me, because it sounds like I can work and don't have pain! But it doesn't make sense because #1 he's sticking me in the spine every 3 months, and he was totally on board with this before..? I've had 2 appts with him, each one to ask him about my treatment plan and why he wrote the answers he wrote on those papers, and neither time did I get a straight answer out of him. In fact at the last appt he asked me if I even "really need" my pain meds anymore???? I told him he can take me off of them if he wants to but it would leave me literally in bed crying 24 hours a day because I can FEEL that things are getting worse. After 45 mins I finally got him to agree to send me for another MRI (my last one was a year ago last Aug). He said that if it shows that I am, indeed, getting worse, he will re-do my SSDI papers (umm, OK???) but that if it shows that I'm getting better he'll have to report that too! :O How the hell does he think I could be getting better when I have DDD, Stenosis, and herniations in every lumbar disc? Not to mention the entire left leg/foot numbness/tingling (which is spreading now too to other areas but I won't get into that here-it's already longer than I intended).

Anyway, aside from that, financially I am just at my wits end. I'm so tired of worrying every day how the bills are going to get paid, how to keep gas in my car and all the other life stuff that needs money. Right now my gas tank is below E and I have to get the kids to/from school every day, not to mention that an arctic front is coming which means below 0* temps at night and single digit temps during the day which is a surefire recipe for gas line freeze.

I'm beginning to think the psych that diagnosed me with bipolar type 1 a couple years ago was right. I've pretty much denied it and just attributed it to situational depression because my life has been shit for as far back as I can remember for one reason or another. My PCP also feels it's situational, but to be honest, I haven't BEEN honest with him about everything either. I just didnt want the "label" associated with BPD and I didn't want him to think any less of me. I mean, I don't lie to him but I just haven't told him everything, like how when I ever DO get a decent amount of money I spend it uncontrollably (99% of the time it's on the kids or someone else...very rarely on me) or some of the other stuff I go thru. But I did make an appt to see him about it because I feel like I need to get back on meds (Seroquel was great at stabilizing me, but I almost felt like I didn't FEEL anything...I didn't get so down, but I didn't get overly happy either-it was kinda like being numb I guess). Unfortunately, because it is that time of year that keeps our PCP's busy, that appt took over 2 months to get here (it's on Friday). I'm thinking maybe I should ask about getting a referral to go back to the psych (I was only approved by medicaid for 10 appts back when I was seeing him).

I know this is long, I'm trying not to make it any longer than necessary, but I just have to get this last part out so please bear with me, OK? I'm so sorry!

I have completely become introverted-I'm a hermit! I keep the curtains all closed, I only leave the place when I absolutely have to, like to take the kids somewhere or when we're out of food, milk, etc. If it were up to me I'd stay in bed forever, smoking my cigarettes and staring at the tv, most of the time not even aware of what show is on because I'm only staring at it, not processing it. I spend very little time with my kids, only cook once or twice a week (my oldest has been doing that), only eating cereal in the late night hours and the occasional chocolates here and there, sucking on jolly ranchers to keep me from smoking very much because I can't afford my smokes as much as I need them right now (tried quitting....BIG disaster, for me AND the boys! I honestly don't feel this is the time for that....not when I'm THIS down). I don't get on the computer much because I don't want to talk/type to anyone, and when I do it's only to see how much I owe for bills, if my bank accounts have any money in them, and a weather blog for my area. I only acknowledge the emails that I feel I HAVE to and do my best to ignore the rest. I have no desire to talk to anyone...not here on SH, not email, not instant messenger, and certainly not on the phone! My calls go to voicemail, my email inbox gets full and e's just get deleted, most of which I don't even read. Hell, this is the most I've typed since I don't know when! (I did post to the thread about the infected tooth-that pain is also not helping my situation!)

Christmas was nice....I think I even smiled a few times-of course it was really the 23rd because the 2 younger boys I dropped off at their dads on Christmas Eve. Christmas day was back to my 'normal' deep darkness filled with physical pain, emotional torment, and buckets of tears. I'm so pathetic that I'm even tearing up over commercials that I do happen to pay attention to on tv!

The thing is, I KNOW what's happening, and I KNOW it's not good for my boys-who are my absolute everything-but I simply cannot make it stop! It's been months like this....

OK I've said more than enough and I'm so tempted to go back and delete a bunch of this (or not even post at all unless it's behind the fake happy face I put on when I feel I have to). Maybe I'll vent some more of what's going on at another time but right now I have to get off here...I'm just too worked up over thinking about being so down. I have to admit that this has gotta be the most down I've ever been and it's definitely the longest I've been like this-but the difference now is that this time I'm putting my kids' well being in priority-I will not do anything stupid like I did 10 years ago (that was also in January-28th to be exact). I know they don't like me very much right now, but I love them too much to do that to them. I'm thinking about letting the youngest one go live with his dad (middle one already does)...he keeps begging me to-who the hell am I to say he's better with me just because I'm the mom, ya know? I don't think he is better off with me...I can't give him anything and at least his dad/step mom both work. I haven't worked in almost 4 years-that's 4 years the boys have had to do without so many things! The oldest one doesn't have a father anymore (as of 3 years ago) which is a good thing because he's an....well you get the picture...but I wish I could just move to Florida and be near my mum & dad-maybe that would help me to feel better, but I don't know how I could even do it. I can't even afford to get my kids to the bus this morning and that's only 5 miles away...not the 1500 miles away my 'rents are :''(

OK, I'm done...thanks for letting me vent, and no I don't expect any of you to be able to help or to even know what to say, I just knew that you'd listen and I needed to let someone know just how deeply messed up I am. This is beyond depression-it has to be...I can usually pull myself back up before too long but this time the harder I try, the further down I get.

Thanks for listening (reading)...I do so appreciate it.


  • Girl I wish I was close enough to come by and drag you out of the house and find a way to cheer you up and get things going back in the right direction for you!

    I cannot tell you what to do and what decisions to make, only you should do that. If you don't do something to help yourself soon though, someone else will probably make them for you and I doubt you will like it very much.

    You need to talk to your doc as a minimum and get stabilized on the right meds. You may even find it helps with your pain levels. You may not be able to pack up and move out to Florida, but can you at least call?

    Hey, you know that I will read your posts no matter how long they are. You are too good of a person and if you say you are hurting, then I will do whatever I can to listen and respond if you want. You know you can PM me any time you want to.

    Hang in there my friend,

  • Tanya, I agree with C. You need a support system of some kind. If moving to Florida isn't an option when at least phone them. As for the boys. Just know that someday "They'll get it." It just may not be soon enough for you. But my children have all grown up around a Bi-Polar Grandmother and they never know what to say to her because one day you look in her eyes and she's the sam old Memaw that they remember from way back when. But when he turns manic she's one of those people who gets mean and says mean things. But they've learned and love her now in spite of her illness. I'm with C on that you are not seeing the right doctor. Maybe it's time for a change. This one doesn't seem to be very helpful. Lord I walk in my Doctor's office crying and walk out laughing and he's my ORTHO! I myself have had to admit that I have got to get some professional help since being slammed into a rock wall by a semi on my way home from work I cry everytime I see a car that looks like mine or smell rocks and dirt for no reason what so ever. So if someone is treating your condtion they aren't doing their job either or you would be feeling much better.
    FIND NEW DOCTORS! These aren't helping you and immediately pick up the phone and call a loved one. Anyone. Don't talk about yourself or your problems just a pleasant conversation with someone you love could really turn your day around. Don't give up. Keep fighting for the care that you desperately need for yourself and the boys.
    P.S. I don't mind long posts since it means your heart is here. I want to know your heart.
    You will be in my thoughts today.
  • I love you and your wonderful beautiful spirit, shutting down and off from the world works for a little while, then you get to like it coz its safe and dark. Its not the way to go or live. If you've reached the bottom, then there is nothing more to see, gone as far as can you go, so now you can look up again.
    Your a wonderful and loving person who loves beyond her means, what I mean is...you can only give so long and so hard before you run out of love to give.
    Its time to keep some for yourself!
    Your a perfectly good and wonderful person, the emotional toll your extracting from yourself,because you love and love hard...is killing you right now,
    If all you've done\if all you've given to you and yours, isnt enough to prove to yourself what a perfectly wonderful person you are...
    Then step back and believe
    believe you have given what there is to give
    you have
    believe that the love you have given
    is enough
    Believe in your self,give some love to yourself!
    keep some of the good inside yourself
    for your very own.
    grow your love and let it begin to heal the pain and hurt you carry.
    its time to leave some of that by the wayside,
    discard the extra weight, these burdens, born of love, let them slip by the way.
    your a wonderful caring person,an asset to the world!
    punishing yourself
    There will be peace again, you know that, even now in the dark twilight of your soul.
    Where is the dawning, you ask?
    its there, ready when you are.
    The darkest hours I spent were the selfish one's, where i had no more to give, coz I'de given too much, and didnt receive enough, hadnt given enough to myself...so...
    I didnt have enough left over For myself.
    there is a wonderful beautiful light you have and give to the world.
    Its uniquely wonderfully yours.
    Its a fearsome creation you are!
    giving till there is nothing left to give,
    now is the time to give to yourself, there is nothing selfish, or small or mean about takin some love nourishment to yourself.
    Tanya, your gonna come out of this wonderfully and in your time, the dark never lasts forever, you can make the choice to embrace the darkness and accept it.
    Its there, and its always gonna be there.
    you learn the limits it has, then you move around it, over it, through it
    then you move toward life again.
    Your a finely made and tuned loving person, ready to love at the drop of a hat, but every ounce of love you give has its price.
    you deserve love as much as you give it, never forget that.
    every living person is deserving of love
    self and otherwise!
    I wish I could hug the hurt away
    give whats lacking and take whats hurting.
    for now know that ime not alone in these thoughts for you
    give as freely to yourself as you give to others
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Tanya I hope you're on here listening today. You need to make YOU your most important priority right now.
  • Have you tried wellbutrin or amitriptyline? I'm sad for the darkness especially in the winter. Try and get one of those sunshine lamps. I know I don't get dressed and stay in my pjs all day. I force myself to go on the recumbent bike and slimglider just for some excercise. It's good you get out to get some groceries to get a little fresh air. It's hard if you don't have any money I hope when your disability comes in you'll be happier. I got my LTD and I feel better. My husband does everything for me. We have no kids. That's a downer also but just have to deal with that. Take one moment at a time and enjoy life. I know it's hard being in pain and giving up your work life is hard. I know once you have income it'll be better. Picture yourself bathing in the sunshine like you felt in Florida, distraction is healing, feel the warmth of the sun and remember how good you felt then. Things will be better and you'll come out of the darkness. One day at a time ok? Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Believe me, I have been where you are and it is a very dark, scary, lonely place. I know what it's like to withdraw from everyone and everything. I literally just wanted to die, I truly did. When I finally had had enough, I went to a doc and got put on antidepressants. It was still a long haul, but I made it out of that pit. Thank the Good Lord.

    I'm so glad that you trusted us enough here on SH to unburden a little to us. Don't feel bad at all about the length. My guess is that you cried with every word you wrote. Here's a hankie, honey; now dry your eyes and take baby steps to get out of this funk. I know, easier said than done, huh?

    You truly need to get back on your meds. Unfortunately, children can get depressed when their parent is depressed. So think of them and go see another doc. Start over with a new one. But...they cannot help you if you are not absolutely honest with them. You might as well save the money and not go at all if you won't be truthful

    Remember that we are always here for you! Please feel free to PM me anytime...I would consider it an honor to serve as a sounding board or anything else you might need.

    We love you, girl, and when you hurt, we hurt. Take care!! >:D< >:D<

    BTW, there is no shame in being depressed or being bi-polar. There is shame if you don't get the help you so desparately need.
  • You're all so very kind & loving-I appreciate you all very much, I really do.

    My PCP appt is tomorrow, not Friday (I had written it down wrong, thankfully they called today to remind me), so at least it's one less day until I can hopefully get some help. I agree that I need to get back on meds-now to figure out which one(s). I've tried so many in the past, some worked well but only for a short time, others didn't work at all, others made me feel worse, and even others made me literally wacko. I wish I could get Cymbalta-it seems like it might be a help, but my ins doesn't cover it and no way can I afford it. I have a hard enough time paying the $1 and $3 copays for the rest of my meds as it is.

    I took back pop cans/bottles today so at least I have some gas in my car now-I had forgotten I had some bags of cans out in the shed. I guess there is a bonus to bottle deposits.

    I do believe it's time to get back into therapy so will be asking for a referral back to the psych. I really liked him-hopefully he's still around and has openings available. I like my PCP and don't blame him for anything-he's always done everything he could for me-I just haven't been completely honest with him about my literal ups and downs. I will be completely truthful with him tomorrow about everything. I have to be...I NEED help! I don't want to end up back in a psych unit...went down that road 10 years ago and I am afraid I would lose my kids if that happened again-it's not a risk I'm willing to take. They are my absolute everything-if I didn't have them I probably would have killed myself by now. Well, not probably-I WOULD have. This suffering is relentless and I'm just so tired of it.

    In June it will be 4 years since I pulled my last shift...No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop feeling that mourning over the end of my career. I didn't work in EMS long enough and it's so not fair. I worked so hard to get my EMT and then my Paramedic degree and as soon as I did it was ripped away from me because of my back injuries. I keep trying to tell myself to take life one day at a time, but no matter how hard I've tried I seem to keep looking back and can't focus on the future. I guess because I don't feel like I have one. And I won't even get started on how lonely I am, or how my back problems cost me the love of my life....I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be OK, but like I told my dad-I'm not exactly a prize catch anymore. I don't know how to accept that I'm going to be single forever and never feel that feeling of being in love again. My relationship with Larry ended over a year and a half ago, tho we stopped being intimate 2 years ago. That's another thing I mourn-the loss of a sex life. Not that it's something I even want to do right now, but I miss being that close with someone....that feeling of loving someone so much and being loved that much in return. Ugh-see why I said I wouldn't even get going on that topic? It's hopeless! [(

    More than anything else tho, I miss the relationship I used to have with my boys. I've lost their respect and I don't even really blame them. I just think it's too late to get back the happy family feeling, the respect, the bond that we used to have and it's noone's fault but my own.

    Anyway, I want to thank you all again-I'll update you after my appointment tomorrow. Not sure if it will necessarily be tomorrow, but when I'm feeling up to it for sure I'll come back and let you guys know the direction I'm supposed to be heading as far as meds, therapy, disability appeal, all that stuff and the stuff I've mentioned in this thread. I have to stop saying that I want my life back because that's never going to happen, but maybe I can figure out how to embrace the new life I have and hopefully it won't be forever before I can pull myself back up again. I truly believe this is my rock bottom...or at least damn close to it. It's very dark & lonely down here-hopefully it's not permanent because my boys deserve a better mom than this. :(

    God bless you all....
  • Call the pharmaceutical company and tell them that you cannot afford Cymbalta and they all have programs that can reduce the price or even give it to you for free. Your doctor may even be able to give you samples to tide you over until you can get that going. You have to find ways to make it work if it's something that you want - if you're not doing that you're giving up. Isn't there a school bus for the kids to ride? If you live 5 miles from school there must be transportation. Even if you have to drive 2 1/2 miles to the stop that's half the gas. How about carpooling with another Mom or two? There are always ways to cut the budget. I understand about the smoking but that would be a very good way pay for that prescription....hint, hint....LOL

    I know I'm hard-assed about these things but you can't sit around and feel sorry for yourself. We all have days and even weeks like that but when it's all that's happening then something has to change. I know how bad your situation sucks and I wish I could help you. When I was a kid my mom was in the same place that you are in and she gave up. She ended up living a life that forced her to rely on others which, to me, is no life at all. She still is, living with me and letting her golden years tarnish rather than living a life. It's time for you to be proactive and find the people and programs that will help you get along. If you don't do it for yourself who's going to do it?

    You know that I care deeply about you and want you to be happy. YOU have to take responsibility for that happiness and you have to want it for yourself. You deserve it Tonya, no matter how much you try to tell yourself that you don't. If you can find that again the rest will fall into place.

    I'm here for you and would do whatever I could to help. You are too important in this world to live an unhappy life lady- you deserve so much more.

    Hugs and a ton of good thoughts for you,
    Your friend (even if I'm too pushy),
    (on the long winded side myself)
  • Tanya~I am sorry and I know how lame that sounds,but I am,& I had to tell you.You know what though,it sounds like SADS to me.I get that in winter,but now that I'm living in NC where it's warmer & sunnier I don't have near the symptoms that I had when I lived up north in PA.I haven't even had to take the medication for the SADS for several years.Now I only take an occasional pill,but not something that I have to take on a daily basis like I used to.It's the rain or dark days that get it started.

    I'm moving next month and I have some things that I need to get rid of-I have no idea what size you wear,or even if you would feel comfortable PM'ing me your home address,but I'd like to send a package out for you if you are not uncomfortable with that.If you are I understand that too.

    While it's true that we all need to help ourselves,accepting the help from others is a good and proper thing to do.None of us get down alone & we all need a helping hand lifting up too.I've been there.It's that simple.
  • Hiya Grrrl! you have so much love to give and no one sees that, shame on them! superficial people only see the outside of a person and decide worthyness, I guess thats society in general...bummer
    You hold your head up mamma, There is no such thing as a prize catch, every one is perfect, its our human "id" that gets in the way of whats good for us. some would take beauty over brains, some would take one aspect of a person and ignor the rest, some only want what will selfishly benefit their own ends.
    What a real honest person does is look at the whole, all the qualitys that make up "you" and realize wow, what a wonderful creation this is, discernment come's with experience, the worthless(yes... I know, I just said everyone is perfect),people who only look at rhe outside of an object miss whats on the inside, all the diamonds in the world are covered by rock, gold hides in water, in dirt and under the surface of things. all things precious are hidden, until someone looking for the particular treasure discovers it,
    Its always been this way, the real treasure lies within, hidden until found.
    Dont despair, there will be love and hope!
    Intimacy is a secret and wonderful joy shaired equally, dont
    despair, the right person with the right qualifications will come along and fit the qualifications, honesty, integrity, fidelity,these will be yours!
    Yours is a gift of a loving heart, sad sometimes, but always ready willing and able to give love, I dont know of many people like this, dont give in to the darkness, there will be light.
    The refinement process your going through is hard and long indeed, like forging a fine pure gold, the greatest tests are given to the best of people,you already are a wonderful and loving creation, there must be a great purpose for these tests...
    There is so much good in you, never forget that!...! did I say (!) ya, just making sure you remembered that!
    There will be peace and rest, no road has no end,
    your loved and love, you give and give and give,
    save some of that wonderful luminous love for yourself, things take a certain cast when were down, it may not be the truest picture, never forget what a wonderful girl you are!K
    got to go for now , but i'll be watching for ya !
    chin down
    hands up
    start swinging!

    Spiney Fu pg.1
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said already, only that I'm glad you're back with us and I care about what happens in your life. If you ever need any of us, we will always be here and you can vent any frustration you have. It's better to do that than to bottle it up. Please try to hang on with the hope that the next day will be a better one. You are a survivor.
  • " And I won't even get started on how lonely I am, or how my back problems cost me the love of my life....I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be OK, but like I told my dad-I'm not exactly a prize catch anymore. I don't know how to accept that I'm going to be single forever and never feel that feeling of being in love again. My relationship with Larry ended over a year and a half ago, tho we stopped being intimate 2 years ago. That's another thing I mourn-the loss of a sex life. Not that it's something I even want to do right now, but I miss being that close with someone....that feeling of loving someone so much and being loved that much in return. Ugh-see why I said I wouldn't even get going on that topic? It's hopeless! "

    Sorry i haven't figured out quote yet.

    You have expressed what I don't have the words to say. While I am happy by myself, I still find myself craving the closeness. I think what I want most is to just be held. I miss that so much.

    Sorry Tanya, I don't have anything useful to say other than I relate.

    Oh, ever watch Jeff Dunham? I have found im to be a great distraction lately.
  • Hiya Mama, how youuuu dooooiinn? hmm?
    I hope todays better than yesterday! dont become as linkin park says "so numb" that you detach from life,separate yourself from everyone and isolate,there is life...
    keep fighting and stay true to your wonderful unique self!!! I did say...! there is more to love than woopeee, there is that wonderful meeting of mind and spirit, most people as we find out are not deep enough to look beneath the exterior to find the jewel inside,
    dont despair, there is someone looking for this treasure you have hidden and that shines forth, like homecoming for a sailor, your love will be a beacon on someones horizon, showing them the way home!
    smile that wonderful soul smile and raise your head high, youve done nothing wrong, give yourself a chance at life, dont sabotage yourself with doubt K?
    Your doing the best you can..and anyone who faults this will be someone you dont need in your life,
    getting a break from pain would be great, geting a break from doubt is easyer to do, dont doubt your value or worth, someone will see this and help this emotion along,
    be positive as you can and hold your head high, youve done nothing wrong to be ashamed of!
    Never let anyone put you or your life down,they have no say in how you "do" life, they have no right to judge you for existence, and you..the only one who can bring judgement
    on "you" can make life itself hell.
    dont go into the viscous cycle of doubt,stand firm and proud of making it this far in the fight,your will is strong, your belief in yourself great and your love the best of all...is intact.coz you still care,and still want to achieve.
    Tanya hunny you hang in there, its gonna get better!

    ( mm )
    the chubby bunny of love say so!

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • looks like chubbylovebunny got squashed to the left in transit...
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,839
    hearing how things have continued to be for is not so good.
    God knows how you keep the strength, both physical and emotional to keep your head up and still kicking.
    So many people here have talked about various problems that have hit them and they want to give up.
    No matter what has hit you, you may falter a bit, but you always go on.
    I give you a lot of credit. You are a strong person with a lot of faith. That I am sure has been your pillar of strength.
    Here we can offer a friendly smile, a kind word, but always know that you have people here that care about your overall well being
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • You are all so very wonderful, and precious to me.

    I just want you to know that I'm getting the help I need now. I've started on Prozac-naturally it isn't working yet but it's only been 2 days. I am also working on getting the pre-approval from medicaid to go back to the psych I saw 2 years ago. I truly believe he can help me get back to "me".

    I don't know how much I'll be on in the near future, not only because of the deep depression but also my laptop completely crashed yesterday so it has to go in to HP to be repaired. I am on the boys' computer now but I don't use it too often so know that I will check in periodically as I can but it may not be very often until I get my laptop, and myself, back.

    I love you all and truly appreciate your care and concern, and of course, your advice and support. I feel like you are the family I no longer have in my "real" life...I will never 'disappear' from SH-I WILL return.

    Love, hugs and blessings XOXO
  • I'm wishing all the best for you. I truly do hope you can get into see the doctor and get out of this place you're in right now. We, even knowing your computer situation will probably still worry about you until you post again so just keep us updated as much as you can. I hope the Prozac is all that is needed to get your life back.
  • Oh, my goodness. I am so relieved to know that you are being proactive now! Well done!!!

    That prozac will probably kick in about 2 weeks down the road. If, after a month, you are still not feeling like your old self, let your doc know so he/she can fine tune the dosage. They usually start you out on a very low dosage and then increase/decrease based on how well you do on it. And...sometimes they may have to change the med. Some do well on prozac and some don't, so they will put you on something else.

    You will continually be in my prayers! Be sure to post when you can...we really do care deeply about you!
  • Hope your doing well tday! Ime just here on the first day o school, thinking bout ya, hope ya feel better and chipper as can be!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Heres my hugs for today! hope youre doin well as can be! smile and hold that head up!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Just wanted to update again...still having to use my sons computer. This is only the 2nd time I've gotten on it since mine died but I knew I had to come and update you guys. I think of you all every day and I truly appreciate your friendship. You guys are the best!

    I got approval from Medicaid to go back to my Psych so I had my first appt with him today. I was approved for 20 visits this year so I'll be seeing him once a week until I feel I can go longer in between visits. Today he started out by trying to help me learn to not let all the negatives weigh me down so like he said, I've got my 'homework' cut out for me! But I'm sick of being so blue so I'm going to keep being proactive and get myself out of this funk! The Prozac doesn't seem to be helping too much yet, although I have to admit I don't cry as much as I was. I made a note to call my PCP tomorrow to let him know as he said he will up the dosage if it's not doing much. I'm only on 20mg right now so I know that's a really low dose. Hopefully increasing the dose will help. I still keep the curtains closed and live like a hermit, but I'm proud of myself for asking to be referred back to the psych and getting back on the meds. I promised the doc I won't go back off them AMA again...I see now why it's not good to do that cause I probably wouldn't have gotten THIS bad if I'd just kept on the Seroquel I used to take (I didn't like it but still shouldn't have just stopped taking it when I did over a year ago).

    Anyhoo....everything else is still the same, except I did get a date for my SSDI appeal hearing (YAY!!) so I have hope today (atty's office called and left the message today with the date which is April 13th) that I didn't have yesterday, so between that and starting back with the psych today, hopefully it will be sunny days for me soon. As far as the back, money stuff, yada yada, that's all the same. Had another MRI last month and tomorrow I'm having my hips xrayed. Hopefully the xray will show why my hips hurt so much but I'm not holding my breath.

    I love you guys and your friendship means the world to me...please know that! I keep you all in my prayers every day and I'll check back in again soon, I promise!

    Love & God Bless each and every one of you!
  • glad to see ya again! long time no see makes ranchie worry for ya. Ime glad things are looking better for ya!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Hey everyone-

    Just wanted to check in to let you know I'm still here! Things are improving a little thanks to the Prozac and therapy. I still have a bit to go to get back to 'myself' but I'm working on it! Just counting the days till April 14th when my SSDI appeal hearing is...keep those fingers crossed that I get it, OK? And prayers wouldn't hurt either ;o)

    I hope that you are all well and thanks so much for caring! I love you all very much-it's nice to know people care about what happens to me. I care about all of you too! You're the best!

    Love, Hugs & Prayers~*
  • It's great to "hear" that things are looking up, even just a smidge. Any progress is still progress and is better than where we started.

    Hang in there,

  • You and the boys are in my prayers.

    I truly do hope that the SSDI works out in your best interest.Whenever I went to my hearing I was approved less than a month later,and a large sum of $ was deposited into my checking account (before I even got the letter from SS) :)))
  • Hunny, we miss you and are hoping and praying for ya everyday!
    dont give up
    dont give in K?
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • It sounds like you are doing some great things and trying to get yourself turned around and on the right track. I am soooooooooooo very happy for you. And as Ranchhand said don't give up and don't give in. We are all here for ya girl.
  • Your strength is amazing! I have so much respect for you. You recognized that you needed help and took the steps to get it - that's not always easy to do. I have been there and it sucks, I have to work everyday to keep my chin up and it's people like you that remind me that I can do it. So just know Tanya that you have inspired me to keep on keepin' on!!! I think it was about a year or so ago that your posts really helped me and you are helping me once again. Keep posting because it not only helps you but it's helps all of us spiney's. You are an amazing girl and things will get better for you, I just know it =) You got this girl!!!!
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