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I see no light at the end of the tunnel

4jkasper44jkasper Posts: 231
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Chronic Pain
I keep hoping I will feel better but it seems things keep going on a downward spiral. I feel very alone around here except for my SH family. All I have to say is thank God for my kids and wonderful husband or I don't know if I would still be here.
I have applied for SSD but got my first denial and am appealing. It kills me to know Iam the reason my family is financially going down fast and there is nothing I can do to help. My husband is working 2 jobs and we NEVER see him anymore, Iam ripping my family apart...
PLEASE pain just give me alittle break, just one day......
Sorry about my pitty party but I just need to get my feeling out.


  • This is the best place to vent. We all understand the frustration. It has to be hard having 3 surgeries in 15 months. But that is not your fault. Sounds like you have a supportive family, and you are very blessed.
    Did you find a lawyer to help with the SSD? From everything I have read it sounds like the best option, especially with your young age.
    I am 41, have 2 kids and a supportive husband. They make it all worth the effort it takes to get through everyday.
    If you would like, PM anytime.

  • I'm in basically the same boat as you are. I had lumbar decompression surgery in Nov. Now the pain is as bad as before. I don't know how much I can stand. To top it all off, I need knee replacement on both knees. I had been putting that off as long as I could. Now I have unbearable pain from my left rear cheek, then around down my leg, to my ankle. Just unbearable. I have recently applied for SSD. I understand that most claims are denied first time. I sure hope not, but you said your's was denied, looks like what I've heard is true. I'm thankful that I have good insurance, since I retired from the phone company. No retirement left, since I lived on it for almost 4 yrs. Bad mistake on my part, but who would have thought this would happen. I'm also a realtor, which I can't do without walking. I went into new car sales, and I absolutely loved it, but it also required lots of walking. Don't really know what to do now.

    I guess we need to take a look around at all the things we have to be thankful for. I lost my husband in 2002 after 34 yrs. of marriage. He lived for 28 days after a heart transplant. That's the reason I had to use my retirement. I found myself alone and a widow at 50yrs. old. I do have 2 children and 5 grandchildren. I am so thankful for them. It's when I'm in pain as I've been for so long, that I really miss my husband. It could be worse. I do have a fiancee' who has been a big help. Unfortunately, he's not my husband. Anyway, hang in there. I know things will get better. It could be worse and there is a reason for everything.

    I hope things get better for you soon.
  • When everything seems to be closing in on you and you don't see a way out; when life gets you down, look up. God is there and it is true He will never give you more than you can handle - although is may seem like it from time to time.

    It's natural to feel the way you do Jeanette. I've been there. Just remember this: Your kids love you - no matter how you feel or look. YOU are everything to them. Think of the term "unconditional love". That's kids for you. Especially the young ones.

    Also, your husband loves you too. He married you for better or worse, sickness and in health. It's cliche, I know, but if the tables were turned, would you love him any less? Sure financial burdens get to everyone, but at the end of the day, you'd still love him, right?

    And of course, there "US"... Who have literally walked in your shoes. We'll lend you a shoulder, an ear, whatever you need. Just don't ask us for our backs - although we'd gladly lend them to you, you may not want them!

    Hang in there sugar. Things may not get "back to normal" - but you can make things more bearable by understanding and knowing your limitations, and working within those boundaries. You know - the LEMONADE scenario and all that rot.... We are here if you need us.


  • I am so sorry, hon. I know how you feel and sometimes it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other and just live 5 minutes at a time. But you can do it. Just keep turning to us for support and we will be here for you.

    Pain does horrible things to our minds and sometimes to our will to live. Things sometimes seem too great to overcome. But acknowledging you feel this way is the first step to mental healing and leaning on the support of not only friends but people who truly know how you can feel can honestly turn your life around.

    Many gentle ( ( HUGS ) ) my friend,

  • This thing called life is a long road and one full of the bumps that we find so hard to handle when we're healthy let alone in this condition. The hardest thing to let go of us guilt. You have to remember that YOU are not responsible for what has happened to your spine and trust that your family knows that and loves you. A nice house and fancy car do not make a family.

    Of course you have another family here at SH. We're always available to lend an ear and to listen when it gets tough. Thank you for trusting enough to share your frustrations- it helps me know that I'm not alone either, you know?

  • I'm sure the doctors have not given up on you yet, and if they have, find a new one! Your pain can be treated-do you g0 to a pain clinic as well?

    Please don't feel guilty about things you have no control over. Give your pain up to a higher cause, as a prayer for those who may be suffering even worse and perhaps your heart will feel lighter and the pain less pressing.

    I know when I was is so much pain I felt like I would have to jump from a tall building, but I did not because I knew in time I would heal and there were people who loved me, even if at that time I didn't love myself.

    Please, please have faith that you will get though this and fight for your rights-I pay taxes to help people like you and if you don't get SSD I will write the President myself and ask him what is going on! Giving my tax dollars to pork barrel projects and not to helpless mothers? ..Grrr!

    Hang in there! We all care about you!
  • Jeanette,
    That inequality of your effort is not always repaid in kind by reduction of pain and many have a long wait for things to improve, you have a clear notion of what is important your family and acknowledge you husband’s effort in difficult circumstance. This is not a thing of your choosing and you are doing your best in trying to cope and should recognise how difficult that continuance is, it sounds easy at time and is not.

    Even hope has to have a plan and this rake time skills and improving technique we are all aware of the time scale and future disappointment and the need to reassess of goals and realistic expectations, never simple. Seeing all those things that were once important to you slip away is difficult, but will allow you to see other things with greater clarity. Support is about doing what is best and knowing when to push and when not too, what to expect and where you are now going, all this will take time and more understanding of yourself and how you will be able or not to achieve these new goals through imposed restriction. You sound as if you have an understanding husband and he needs to know how much you appreciate his effort and these changes and that spiral you mention are part of his life also.

    That acknowledgement to yourself that you have limitation will help in the longer term and the transition to SSD status difficult with all the twists and turns and not knowing. I had to quit work also from a job that I loved, I am now in a new place never the same but anew, and as many here doing the best every day within my capabilities.

    At the moment you light is faded but with a positive outlook will return, the sun is the sun wherever you are, keep posting and looking for ways to improve every day and survive, hug those kids.


  • I know it "could be alot worse" "things will get better" but, as I know all of you know when your down your down and nothing makes it better until you get up off your a-- and make it better, I guess Iam not there yet...
    I do appreciate all of the kind words and responces, don't get me wrong...But you all know how I feel and probably what Iam going through.It just stinks!!!!(I need to get over myself :''( )
  • i have noticed another thing too..there are a lot of us on here in our 40s with DDD as well as surgical pain .i wonder if anything will come to light if the future .what i mean is we were children in the 60s i wonder if what our parents did /eat/drunk/smoked or just the environment has contributed to our ill health?i was born with mild spina bifida and an L6 and an extra cervical pair of ribs{thoracic outlet syndrome}and chrones disease .most of my problems did not show them selves until i reached 40 .like you i cant see any light at the end .because i am in horrible pain and dependant on oxycodone to control the pain.i am dependant on my wife for everything from cooking to bringing in the money.she is a wonderful person and NEVER make me feel guilty..i have learnt to live with my disability instead of fighting it i have now accepted it ..don't get me wrong i don't like the way i am .but i can't change it.only bother about things you can change stop beating yourself up about things that you have no control of.
  • Keep your chin up.I was denied the first time,and it took me about 15 months from start to finish before I was accepted.I was 34 yrs old when I was approved-4 months before my 35th birthday.Don't let your age or that denial letter be a factor in making life any tougher than it has to be.

    2009 is a time for new beginnings and new HOPE.It's for all of us,and is both nondiscriminating and free of charge!
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