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what would you think

kimmeamkkimmeam Posts: 149
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:27 AM in Matters of the Heart
If your husband of 18 years suddenly came into some money, not enough to grow a beard, change his name & leave the country, but still quite a bit. He goes & opens his very own personal savings account. He does deposit some into our joint account so that some bills could be paid. Why? What? We have always shared everything. I got a bit of money afew years ago. Never once did I think of keeping it to myself to where he couldn't touch it. What is he thinking? Yes I said something. He just doesn't know what he wants to do yet. That doesn't cut it. I am very hurt over this. I feel, no I don't know what I feel. I dont' understand.


  • Bells & whistles.I'd get an attorney,but that's only because I was screwed before.His money is your money too.
  • Sounds like a bunch of Bologna to me. get that money in your joint account somewhat, somehow.
    18years of being married and treated like that is not right
    If I where you I would try to keep one or more steps ahead of him,Also you go with your feelings your and your brain.
  • I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe this will give some insight as to what could be going through his mind.

    Depositing a large sum of money into a joint checking account where it is easily accessible by both of you may not be wise in today's tough economic times. I know that when extra money gets deposited into our household checking account, we always find a way to spend it.

    Depositing it into a savings account makes more sense. Is it possible that he was just trying to protect the money until the two of you together decide the best way to spend it?

    If it were me, I would ask to be added to the special savings account, but make a pact together that neither of you will withdraw money without deciding together on how it should be spent. Maybe he didn't intend to leave you out. You know how thick skulled men can be sometimes, and he probably wasn't even thinking about how you would feel. Calmly have a discussion together and I'm sure you can work this out. 18 years of marriage is a long time (I've been married 23) and sometimes either spouse can be insensitive to the other, but most likely talking it through will solve the problem.

    Of course it could be something else, but try this route before you get too upset. If he refuses to add you to the account, then you probably have a reason to be worried.

    Congratulations on the 18 years of marriage. That is more and more of a rarity in today's world.

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I like the idea of giving him a little benefit of the doubt for not having thought this through :) ... (fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me). :^o

    Instead of the "pact" cindy mentioned... i think it wiser to have him add your name to whatever accoung so that it takes 2 signatures... neither of you can access the money without the other one... not sure what type of account that is exactly but its the one i'd go for... if not... egads i'd string him up!! :T

    Good luck
    L4-L5 fusion 1998; ACDF C4-6 2008; DDD
  • Maybe he just wants to save up for a new car or something. I don't know. But tell him if God forbid something happened to him it would be difficult to get that money out so he should add your name to it. I pay all the bills from my account. But my husband's name is on the mortgage and the second mortgage line of credit. My husband has about $40. in his account. Anyway good luck and I hope everything resolves for the good of your relationship. We've been married 17 years in April. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I have no idea what's in his little head. Thank you all for your responses. I honestly do not believe that he's planning his getaway. I justthink he is his own selfish self. We'll get through it. I am still & will always be very hurt by this. I am working up the nerve to tell him this. I just don't like the fact that it's his money & he will see to that & decide on his own what to do. We have never done things like that. I have to talk to him, I know. I really think that he knows though that I am bothered by this.
  • I'm sorry that you are going through this,and having to feel this type of hurt.My initial post to you was totally unthought out-lol,as you can see,but as I explained,I was screwed over so not probably the best to be giving that type of advice.

    Basically-I think ALL of the others gave pretty good answers though.

    You are right though,he knows that this is bothering you.Switch places-in your mind-what would HE be thinking/saying/feeling/doing? I understand you not wanting to HAVE to ask him about it...then you're likely to never forget,and something could be permanently lost.

    I truly hope that this gets resolved soon,and in your best interest.
  • Hi Kim,

    I can feel how torn you are about how to resolve this... i know i'm not a person who sits well when theres unease or tensions. I'm hoping any tensions have gone out of this for you btw!! A different post yesterday got me thinking about "control" - because as a pain sufferer... it can feel like our lives are out of control... so it's interesting where in our lives we try to compensate for that (controlling what we can). So whats my point! lol, Is his putting the money in "his" account a way for him to control something?? I've got NO IDEA if this is helpful or not...but it may be helpful to think about it from that perspective... More importantly though is how you are, i feel your frustration/disappointment with this... and really hope it gets sorted so that you're happier about it all. Best of luck with it, and feel free to pm...
    L4-L5 fusion 1998; ACDF C4-6 2008; DDD
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