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Lost and about to loose it

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Matters of the Heart
On jan 29th I had an accident that has changed everything and I am running low on hope. I fell down some stairs and inadvertinatly struck my back in such a manner that it aherniated 2 discs at L4-L5 L5-S1. I have been going through pain management with both narcotics and controlled drugs which absolutly make me a different person, but it does help with the pain, so I take as few as possible so I can keep my head, and I am going through weekly epidural cortisone injections. My doctor says I will needs surgery and not to do pretty much anything since it may further injur my back. I have been with my girlfriend for quite sometime now, I adopted her 2 kids (there dad committed suicide and I stepped in) and we have a child together, When I had my accident I was the head of household and I worked 50-60 hrs a week and paid for everything while she watched the baby and took care of the house, (I knew I had the better half of the deal, babys are killer). Now she had to go back to work and start to pay for things, and she has so much going on with work, the baby, the kids, taking care of me and the house, she's scared and almost left me. I'm in a lot of pain and now I have no source of income, and I don't want to lose her. She is my world and the kids a re my moons. I'd just be empty space without them. What do I do? I can't pick up the baby, I can barley walk and the last thing I want is for her to leave me. I will get better but it's a long road and I'm confused.


  • I am willing to do anything for her. It hurts me so bad to make love and I do it to satisfy her, even though it feels like it will almost cripple me and the pain brings me to tears, so I will try anything no matter how bad it hurts.
  • Did you get disability or unemployment? If you're working long enough you can get disability I think to help with the funds. I hope your wife doesn't think like that she wants to leave you. Unless there's abuse leaving is not an option in my book. In sickness and in health. Having pain for so long really is overwhelming but it can be overcome or betolerable. It's not been easy for me being off work for a year and haven't had surgery. Anyway hang in there, lots of support here. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I'm sorry this has happened to you. Injuries like this can take a hard toll on family members as well. I know your girlfriend loves you and wants to help, I think she became very overwhelmed at the situation and she is certainly not upset with you. This was an accident and I know you wish you can change it and it was not your fault. What type of surgery does your doctor want to perform? Has any of the cortisone injections helped you? I herniated the same discs as you and I understand how painful it is. It's normal to go through feelings of depression, anger, and grief because you can't do the things you used to. We're here for you anytime you need to vent and I hope you get to feeling better soon. Take care
  • I have never raised a hand to her so there is no abuse going on, not physically anyway, the kids arw taking advantage of me being hurt and are running wild, I have to raise my voice and threaten them because they just won't mind otherwise. I was not at my job long enough to collect disability, in fact I was 3 days away from my medical insurance to kick in so everything thus far has been out of pocket. The cortisone injections haven't done anything for me at all. In fact I wanna say they have made it worse, but thats probly just because I go in with high hopes and leave with pain. I don't know if this is the right state of mind but I want the surgery. I want to stop hurting and I want that to be now. I don't care what it takes.
  • The surgery that he says I need is (in my words, I'm a welder not a doctor) a dual disc removal/fusion at L4-L5 L5-S1.
  • Those are the same levels I had done. This is major surgery and the recovery can be long and difficult. Well, I had a hard time but there are others who did great. Mine was about 9 months ago and it didn't work out for me and I still have lower back pain and sciatica. I had an MRI done and I'm waiting to hear the results. I don't think anyone thinks you're being abusive in any way. This situation is very hard on relationships because back injuries can be a long term problem. I know kids can give a hard time especially if they are real young. I have two of my own but they are teens and that is a different challenge. Sit them down and tell them Dad is hurt and he needs your help. Enlist them to help out by having them pick up after themselves and do small chores to help Mom out. They can bring you things and you guys can watch movies together for fun. It will also settle them down for a while. I know you're doing the best you can and it's not fun being in pain 24/7. I have been in pain for 3 years now and had to learn how to adjust and do things differently. There will be better days and bad days. This whole experience can be a rollercoaster. Right now you need to take care of yourself so you can recuperate from this back injury.
  • You need to work out a means to talk and figure out what each of you is thinking and what your and her biggest fears about all this is. If you don't know what each other is thinking the fear can make it next to impossible to get along. Tell her about what the meds do to you. It is next to impossible to not be grumpy on this stuff. Not taking it can make you even worse. It's all a lose-lose situation. You have to focus on getting better. You likely won't get there quickly, it will take some work on all involved to get through this. Involve the kids if they are old enough to help at all. So sorry to hear about the insurance issue on top of everything else.
  • I was involved in an accident that turned mine and my children's worlds upside down. I think that fear is the big factor. The unknown is scary for anyone. The not knowing is a killer in relationships. My kids never know which Mom they are going to get from one day to the next. (I had surgery back in Oct. and still have issues.) Somedays I can do things and other days I can't even comb my hair. I am the only provider in my home so it's scary not just for me but I'm sure the kids feel it to. Not knowing if I am going to be able to continue my job and keep them living like kids should without adding all of the adult responsibilities on them. I try sometimes to keep the pain hidden from them but it's hard when they come in and I'm still on the couch at noon. You guys really need to talk about the underlying issue which probably is fear. Has she been to the Dr's appt's with you? If not she might find some answers to questions that she has herself. You hang in there. Help is on the way and I can just bet that she isn't going anywhere once she sees you on the path to recovery.
  • The path to recovery for me is surgery. Several opinions, and since non invasive hasn't worked, its the next step. Cortisone injections, ha, I like those, Its fun having someone shove a needle into your back and you never even know they're there. Anyway, a surgeon is like a mechanic (don't mean that badly if there are any on here). They don't have to do the job. Unless they are paid, its just not a requirement. And since we are haveing trouble coming up with a way to pay i think thats what scares her. The kids just like taking advantage of me. I'm losing hope every day.
  • I am thinking of how to best put this... You say "i think thats what scares her". You need to know what scares her! Try and find out what the thoughts are. You don't say how old the kids are? That makes all the difference in the world as to if they are doing this truly on purpose or simply being kids.
    I wish there was some means at our disposal to do more than make suggestions. You sound like you are at a point you would benefit by talking to someone, don't take that as a sign of weakness. Clergy, Therapists, free clinics, help lines, The forum here at S-H, all are here to help people help themselves!
    To help yourself you need to help yourself. Sounds stupid, but it is what it is!
    I don't intend to be harsh or put you down. I have been in plenty of places I never dreamed I'd go chasing my problems the last 15 years or so. Long before I broke my neck and back!
    I can still here mom yelling "don't do that you'll break your neck" little did she know she was right! She even lived to see it happen. Talk to someone and keep talking and looking. Your answer could be right there in the next person you see! Don't give up! Never give up!
  • Sorry for your situation. It's hard, but you're in the right place. How old are your kids? We have 4 kids that we homeschool and my husband has had to do EVERYTHING. Even though he won't say how hard it is on him I enlisted all of our friends from church and co-op to help with groceries, chores, driving and meals. Are either of your parents able to stay with you and help? I bet if you sit down and talk with your girlfriend you'll find out that you both have a lot of the same feelings. Only by talking can you come up with a game plan that you can both feel good about. Good luck and don't give up.
  • I obviously have a lot of time to sit and think about everything and I think the only thing that I am left having issues with is the fact that I don't know if I'll be able to have the surgery. I know now that I need it and I just don't know if I can get someone to do it. If I knew the surgery was coming I wouldn't have a problem with everything else thats going on.
  • Whatever happens, don't lose faith. It always gets worse before getting better and things have a way of working out. The only thing you can do now is finding a way somehow to get your back taken cared of. You and your family are in this together and it is the only way this situation can be turned around. It will require sacrifices and you will have to look for and accept help. There is no shame in it because everyone needs a helping hand sometime in their life. No one will think less of you-you will always be the head of your household. I really hope that you all pull together and find a way to get though this, and that you get better soon.
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