I have finally come to a point in all of this that my own positive outlook isn't getting me very far. The back surgery has seemed to work thus far and Im sure most of you know that I have recovered well to this point. But there is so much more on my plate now that I cant mask it, and need support, encouragement, to not feel so alone. I also need all the prayer, crossing of fingers, and thoughts that all of you can muster up.
Long story made short (I hope I can be long winded please bear with me).
My injury presented itselt in Feb of 07, my husband deployed that May to Iraq for 15 months. In Sept of of 07 is when I blew my L4 out completely causing drop foot and a slew of problems. Because I have no family here or any real support I dealt with the injury and deployment alone but did it, I came through it. I pushed the surgery off until he came home from deployment and then a few months longer than that so that we didnt have to deal with surgery first thing when he got back. I risked nerve damage during this time, luckily there doesnt seem to be any (thank you God). I finally had the surgery on Dec 2nd as we were told at that time that he was going to be getting out of the service in August of this year (09).
Well, Ive had the surgery and now for certain diplomatic reasons and surges he is looking at getting stop lossed. For those who dont know what that is, to put it plainly it is a back door draft extending his contract. More plainly, it means he would go back to war for another 12 months. That would make him in the desert 37 months in the three years of our marriage.
The surgery has taken its toll on our relationship, intamacy has been hard, and this stop loss possibility is tearing us both up.
I dont know what I will do if he has to deploy again. I cant mow the yard, clean the house that well, bathe the dogs, get groceries alone etc. By the time he would deploy I should be able to do much more (hoping) but I think I will stop breathing if he does get stop lossed.
For those that know me better, know I am upbeat, but I cry and cry over this as its becoming more real and more of a possibility. I know I am worrying about a "what if"...but in the military world thats all we know for certain, are the what if's. I am trying to prepare myself the best I can should this become official, but I just cant wrap my head around it.
The last time he was there three inches of foam kept him alive (and angels as well) as he was shot through the helmet. I just finally cant wear the mask of Im okay anymore and didnt know where to turn but here. I don't know how to do this again.
Please send up all the prayers you can, cross those fingers, have us in your thoughts. Sorry for the ramblings on, I just dont know how to cope with this MAJOR "what if" that looks like it will be an official soon as he is going for "pre war" training for a month. Thanks for reading
Love to you all,