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Typing thru the tears, in so much pain....no more dress shoes!

MingMMing Posts: 1,127
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Chronic Pain
I am trying to type through the tears right now because I am in so much pain right now. I am so upset at myself. I've been more inactive due to increased pain levels lately. Hubby asked if I would like to go out to dinner so I decided to dress nice cuz he and I only see me in sweat pants and big cotton tshirts. I put on my black 1inch healed shoes and was off. By the time I got home I was in tears.

The spasms are getting unbearable. I took my dose of MsContin, flexeril and then I took my BT of vicoprofen. Although the EMG shows no evidence of nerve damage, how does that explain the excrutiating pain in my upper butt, hip and all the way down to my feet?!

I just wish someone would step up and take the responsibilty to be my doctor and do what ever is needed to make me feel comfortable instead of sitting here wondering if I will even be able to get another oponion. I am waiting for a team of neurosurgeon's to review my med files to see if any of them will take me on as a patient. I guess docs are skeptical when you've had back surgery already. I only wished I had gotten a second or third opinion before doing surgery.

Could this still be nerves healing at 7 months post op L5/S1 fusion? I read somewhere that it could take as long for the nerves to heal by as long as it was that the nerve was being pinched. Well in my case, I don't know if my nerves were pinched or not but I've had back problems all my life. So best case scenario I'm lookin at 7 years, worst case scenario 31 yrs. That's a long time to be feeling this way.

I'm 31 years old and I just want to play with my kids like I did. I want to walk miles and miles at a time just to get some fresh air and enjoy nature.

I will stop feeling sorry for myself now as I know there are others that are far worse than me. Zach, is the first one to come to mind. He is so strong and such a fighter. I need to follow by his example and just realize everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for me. I really wish it wasn't being in pain but I have to take what he gives me and keep my chin up and keep going no matter how bad it hurt.

Thanks for listening. I could use any prayers you may have for me at this point.


  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    Now lets look at the positive here Michelle, you got all dressed up and I'm sure your hubby was proud of how nice you looked with you at his side. The fact you made it out for an evening is a good thing.
    Nerve pain is indeed crazy with no two people being affected the same. After
    18 months since my fusion I still seem to be healing but I also have permanent nerve damage which is not painful, just tingling/numbness.
    I've read a lot of your posts on this site and you have done a lot for others here with your support. I hope you know how many are here to return the favor and give you the same support.
    Take care and I wish you the best!
  • I will certainly offer prayers for relief of pain, and continued healing. I totally understand not being able to wear heels. Haven't been able to do that for about 4 years now. I have been known to wear them to church, but wear slippers in car, change for church, then back to slippers (or flats) I guess if that's the worst that happens, we can live with it :D Take care, and hope you get some relief from your meds soon.

  • Thank you Ranger. It really helps me to break out of my shell and dress up nice and get out of the house. It just sucks that I have to suffer for it. I feel like a slob most of the time cuz I'm in my "active wear" all the time with slippers and surrounded by pillows. Not very sexy so I thought I would go out of my way and do my hair, make up and some dress slacks and sweater.

    Funny thing is....EMG says no evidence of nerve damage but why am I having nerve damage symptoms?

    You are right...I should be looking on the bright side. At least I was able to get dressed and go out for dinner even if it caused me pain. I try not to get down like this cuz I know there are others worse than me. I am sure that Zach or anyone else having a hard time right now would give anything to dress up nicely, no tubes attached and take the spouse out for a nice dinner.

    Thanks for you support.
  • Thanks for the prayers Maggie. I usually bring my sneakers or slippers too but I didn't think I would need them cuz I knew we weren't going to be gone long.
  • Sorry to hear that you are still hurting so bad. I like you hang out in my sweats and it does get old. I try to dress up to go out, but shoes always are a problem. But hopefully, we will get beyond that soon. Prayers are with you. Take care.
  • Ming,

    I'm new around here but have read a lot of your post & I really feel for you. I wish I had the answer, but of course I don't. Just hang in there girl & I hope your pain goes away soon. I hope all goes well for you.

    Hugs, Janis
  • I did the same thing last year. Went to a wedding with hubby with all his college friends and tried so hard to be "normal". Well, definitely stayed too long and when it hit, it hit. The last thing all his friends saw was me hightailing it out of there as I started bawling. They didn't know what happened and ran out to hug us goodbye. I was just trying to get to the car and hide my crying.

    They caught us and hugged me, blubbering and all, and promised to pray that I got my SCS. That was last May and I got it Jan. 5th. Took much longer than I thought.

    You know I'm praying for you and the best doctor to come into our life. I'm hoping one of those neurosurgeons will be the one that will help you figure this out. My life didn't change until neurosurgeons got involved. The orthopedic docs (2, did the first 2 surgeries), just messed me up. Personal experience, of course, but I am a big fan of neurosurgeons when you think you have nerve issues.

    Take care,

  • hi ming
    its horrible being in pain all the time .but i also know how bad it is when you have to live in sweat pant and baggy tee shirts too.i myself carnt stand anything on my legs due to nerve burn so i wear sweat shorts all year round/and as for shoes .again i carnt stand anything on my right foot so the only thing i can wear is CROCS .so as a woman i feel for you wanting to get dressed up .luckily as a man i can get away with causal ware a bit easier.i could not do with restrictive clothing make up and long hair //it must be a nightmare trying to keep up female appearance when you are in pain.i hope things improve for you soon
  • When we have 'one of those days' it's terrible,and I believe everything is multiplied because of our CP.You came to the right place,though I'm sure you knew that.Every single one of us can empathise.

    Michael & I went out Thursday-nothing fancy-just Appleby's,but I wore my sandals (lol).Not that it mattered,later that night I was in tears for a couple hours.Not the cute tears either Ming,this was the UGLY as hell face bawling....I simply lost control.Poor Michael-he told me later that he has never seen me like that,and that I really scared him.My pain/concerns got the best of me and I simply broke down as I never had before.

    I haven't worn heels in 25 years and I never will again,but I've had time to grieve that part of my life.

    I've said a prayer for you,but HE doesn't always answer our prayers the way that we expect or in the time that we would like.HE does it HIS way.

  • Hi Ming, I have never had a EMG that showed correct results! I've had MANY, like one MRI showed pinched nerve at L4-5, EMG showed it at L5/S1. I dragged my leg around for 3 1/2 years, had a fragment wrapped up in a nerve(unseen on MRI) At that time EMG's showed no damage, but I had them all lying down. Maybe you should ask for a standing EMG, some people have had luck with this after having a "normal" EMG. Just wanted you to know these tests aren't always right, I have permanent nerve damage as a result. I finally found a Dr. who would do an exploratory surgery, that's the only reason I can walk today. You must fight for yourself, you know your body better than anyone. Have you had a MRI since your fusion? I can relate to the shoe thing, I've worn flats for years and they sure don't look great with a skirt. I feel for you Ming, every little thing I do flares me up too, it can be so frustrating. My Dr. waited until 1 year after fusion surgery to confirm permanent nerve damage. Some wait 2 years. I'm saying a prayer for you and I hope you're feeling a bit better.

    Keep Hope,
    Faith M
  • Ming..i see that beautiful picture of you smiling, and its
    agonizing to me to know that when you wrote this you were
    not smiling at all. That you were in pain and tears flowing
    down your face as you wrote it.

    Cry, its good for you. I cry so much I need a bucket under me.
  • Words can not express my gratitude for those of you who helped me through my flare up and continued support and words of encouragement afterwards. I am feeling 100x's better today emotionally and physically. I am a little sore but nothing out of the usual pain levels I am normally in and nothing close to last night. I was already drained emotionally prior to the flare up so my mind was not ready or prepared to fight this one.

    I am so glad that I have found such a great community.

    "When you see one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you". That's how I felt last night especially once the BT meds started to kick in around 3am. I am exhausted today but am exhilerated with the love and support from my Spiney Friends >:D< :X
  • I'm sorry that dinner didn't go well for you. I'm so sorry about your pain and understand how you fee. Many times I've bailed out of doing stuff because of this mess. I always feel I'm letting someone down, but I have to remember it is not my fault. It's not your fault and never in a million years would you ever have imagine this going on. I do think it was nice of your husband to take you out and I hope he is making the necessary changes. I truly hope this is one step in the right direction.

    Ever since you first came along at SH I knew that you are kind, gentle, giving person and I connected to the words you wrote. I can see it every time I get on SH that everyone loves you dearly. Also, your daughters love you and will have you in whatever condition you may be in. Children are so resilient and understanding; they will adapt to any situation and won't feel left out or feel like they are missing out. They love you for YOU- that is all that matters. I am happy to have you as a fellow spiney and buddy and if you ever feel like talking please PM me.

    I know how rough it is to suffer this pain daily. I found that there is scar tissue around my nerve according to an MRI and the pain has been miserable. My NS said my nerve is permanently damaged and I will undergo a morphine pump trial in the near future. For now I'll be doing the spinal injection dance over again. I am with you in your suffering and hope that better days will come around for all of us.
  • I am glad you are feeling better. It is hard to go to social functions and have to dress according to the shoes you can wear. I understand, and have been there. We are both going through the fusion recovery, you a little farther ahead than me.I hope that you will feel some relief soon. Its hard to stay positive all the time, but you always have some many encouraging word for others. I hope you can feel better soon.
  • Ming,
    Oh my....how I can so relate to your post. I'm very new here and I thought I'd respond. First, thanks for taking the time to write here..I think so many people take things like wearing heels for granted. How I miss the days of heels and pretty shoes...lol. I think my fav standby shoes, Birks/Comfy tennis shoes get worn due to how I feel after I try to wear dress shoes all day. I think my husband would pass out if I came out dressed for the day in high heels. It's just not worth it sometimes to sacrifice comfort for looks is it. Hey..but props up to you for getting out there and going out for a night. Just thought I'd respond back to your post. Here's to hoping your pain has reduced some & you are resting. Take good care of yourself!
  • Ming -

    I so understand. It is terribly frustrating to want to feel pretty and normal and then hurt so badly.

    My fusion was in July, too - just later in the month than you. This "recovery" is so frustrating and confusing. And complications just make it even worse. Feeling sorry for yourself sometimes is allowed - it is normal. (Or at least, I choose to think it is normal as I seem to have frequent pity parties for myself. Seems like whenever I think I have conquered one set of pains another crops up.)

    This rollercoaster can be crazy-making, can't it? On "up" days you have such hope and then along come "down" days and the disappointment is so bad. And you start wondering - doubting really - if you'll ever get better.

    I'm glad this was a good day for you!

  • I just saw this post and am so sorry that you are still suffering so much. I agree with Zach though. 7 months is still very early in recovery and the pain that you are experiencing can certainly still be healing pain. Try and keep a positive attitude, take it easy and I will bet that you will continually get better.
  • You were one of the first to say hi when I registered on the site a little while back, I hate to hear that you're having a tough time, but glad to hear your a bit better today. Chin Up,I know your made of strong stuff. Big Hug from England DB
  • for a second opinion??

    Have they offered you a reason for your ongoing pain??

    I absolutely understand how you feel. I am pretty much confined to my home and I can control the pain to a background grumbles / rumbles. As soon as I try and do anything, dinner, cinema, football (watching of course!!) I am in tears. My meds get doubled and that normally takes me 10 days or so to get th epain back to the grumbles.

    I do have reasons for mine but I do think if the pain is bad it is there for a reason and for me, I need to understand it as part of my way of mentally dealing with it too.

    Big hugs and keep hopeful that you won't always be like this.
  • next time you are feeling like shxx go for a ride in that lovely 4x4 of yours!
    STRAKER{your UK pain and 4x4 buddy!}
  • I can't help but wonder how you have settled into this realization after having some time to cry on it? My wife went through this same thing almost 20 years ago and has become quite liberated by it! She is a "large" woman, as I am a large man, not in good ways though for either of us :( She is also 6' tall and it was wrecking her knees ankles and back started when she was 35 and pregnant with our first son, who is now 18. I told her to throw those stupid shoes away and ignore the fashion! she still cried and tried to wear them. After two doctors and myself kept telling her to cut it out, she finally relented! She is just now starting to have some issues again. Ditching those shoes and learning what flats worked well and looked good got her 18 years of less pain!
    She knows now on bad days to wear her running shoes into work! She only puts the dress shoes, even flats on to go to meetings etc, when she has to be out from behind the desk!

    On really bad days she will tell the people at work "fashion be D#*ned" and wear the sneakers all day!

    No pain, no gain is for the young and foolish! I think a good cry and some quiet time will get you through this!

    Mark, who's wife wears flats too!
  • Im new to this site, but i feel for you hun, my back runs my life and i suffer for anything i want to do, pretty much i lay in my bed awaiting my 3rd back surgery but this one is a spinal fushion. I keep hoping that one day i will get my life back to, its okay to feel sorry for yourself the pain we go through is terrible and life altering. Good luck and god bless you hun
  • Hey Ming,

    As I am reading your post, and everyone's kind words to you, my heart skips a beat knowing all our painn and all my cute shoes in my collection that I will not give up:} They are steps away from me as I type. I don't know what it is with me ( and a lot of us girls) and our shoes. I am currently "STILL" trying to recover from a double L4-S1 lumbar fusion. I am 9 weeks post op. Today I don't even think I could walk in flats (bad day). I guess yesterday I over did it. I folded laundry and put it away I guess I must have twisted, who knows. I am so sorry for you, me and all of us whose backs dictate what we do. I used to stand in high heals all day long (I was an auto show narrator). It probably contributed to my back breaking down before my fall. Thanks before the jokes, it did put me through college and no we never did get dizzy up on those turn tables LOL. Anyway, what I wouldn't give to have that kind of back health now. Actually, I am going to cry now.

    Ming, it's just a stupid pair of shoes, for me anyway, but I guess its part of my identity. One more loss. One more thing I had to give up. As women we just want to feel part of our former selves. Maybe we can't feel like we did. At least we can attempt to look a part of our former selves. I know men have their trials. Try to stay positive and hopeful. I have up and down days. I just hope you, I and everyone start to have more up days than down. Recovery is a wonderful word isn't is. I do wish we had a time table to let us know when that would be.

    Painfree days and night to all,

    L4-L5 Laminectomy, Staph infection from surgery 7 months of vancomyocin IV at home (oteomyolitis), tail bone removed due to accident, Rt hip Labral tear and small break, 6 rounds of PT, countless esi injections, recently L4-S1 fusion. Tired of all this crap. MRI's, Myelogram, discogram's emg's, bone scans. what am I missing.
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