It's relatively early, I managed to sleep in an extra hour, my meds are starting to kick in and my brain meter is starting to move into the 'green' zone so i'm gonna try to explain an observation about myself while i can.
First, let me apologize for spending so much time away from these forums, depression sucks and while i do read here a lot, i just can't seem to bring myself to post or when I 'get that feeling' of being 'up' and interested, by the time I get outta my recliner and sit at the computer, it's gone.
My reference to Kirk (still the best Cap'n imho) is from the S.T. movie w/Spocks brother (damn, I can't remember the title!)
"I want my pain! I need my pain!"
He was defining himself through the various experiences - good & bad - that make up the human psyche/personality.
It's all well and good to 'have' painful experiences. Broken hearts, funerals, etc. because without them, we couldn't appreciate the good things and they wouldn't have any real value. Such things become 'building blocks' of our personality throughout life.
The problem starts when such 'pain' - in our case starting with physical pain - overrides everything else and stops becoming an 'experience' and becomes a way of life.
Once 'helped' defined by pain, we now become controlled by pain and it starts to take on another definition, another meaning - we become thralls to the pain and it no longer defines but controls...
Where once we may have been a wolf in sheeps clothing (hey, i'm on drugs, give me a break!), we become a snake wrapped in greased reynolds wrap and duct tape... (no thumbs...;>)
So my observation is this: yes my personality has - over the years - been 'defined' by my experiences both joyous and painful but now, it's no longer what has helped be become who I am but it now defines what I can and cannot do.
Pain has defined me, I am defined by the pain and it's limiting factors. While i may be the same person, i can no longer show it by the things I could, would, or want to do.
Pain now defines not just who I am but 'what' I am. Pain becomes a way of life instead of just a part of life.
Sounds pitiful doesn't it?
Now the guilt sets in and depression walks into the room with great overpowering strides unopposed... (gosh, I should become a poet!)
Now i'm going to stop and continue along another line of thought somewhat different but the basic underlying 'theme' is still the same.