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I am not Cap'n Kirk... a long boring painful observation

Jim_LJJim_L Posts: 189
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Depression and Coping
It's relatively early, I managed to sleep in an extra hour, my meds are starting to kick in and my brain meter is starting to move into the 'green' zone so i'm gonna try to explain an observation about myself while i can.

First, let me apologize for spending so much time away from these forums, depression sucks and while i do read here a lot, i just can't seem to bring myself to post or when I 'get that feeling' of being 'up' and interested, by the time I get outta my recliner and sit at the computer, it's gone.

My reference to Kirk (still the best Cap'n imho) is from the S.T. movie w/Spocks brother (damn, I can't remember the title!)
"I want my pain! I need my pain!"
He was defining himself through the various experiences - good & bad - that make up the human psyche/personality.

It's all well and good to 'have' painful experiences. Broken hearts, funerals, etc. because without them, we couldn't appreciate the good things and they wouldn't have any real value. Such things become 'building blocks' of our personality throughout life.

The problem starts when such 'pain' - in our case starting with physical pain - overrides everything else and stops becoming an 'experience' and becomes a way of life.

Once 'helped' defined by pain, we now become controlled by pain and it starts to take on another definition, another meaning - we become thralls to the pain and it no longer defines but controls...

Where once we may have been a wolf in sheeps clothing (hey, i'm on drugs, give me a break!), we become a snake wrapped in greased reynolds wrap and duct tape... (no thumbs...;>)

So my observation is this: yes my personality has - over the years - been 'defined' by my experiences both joyous and painful but now, it's no longer what has helped be become who I am but it now defines what I can and cannot do.

Pain has defined me, I am defined by the pain and it's limiting factors. While i may be the same person, i can no longer show it by the things I could, would, or want to do.

Pain now defines not just who I am but 'what' I am. Pain becomes a way of life instead of just a part of life.
Sounds pitiful doesn't it?

Now the guilt sets in and depression walks into the room with great overpowering strides unopposed... (gosh, I should become a poet!)

Now i'm going to stop and continue along another line of thought somewhat different but the basic underlying 'theme' is still the same.



  • Nicely said, although sad it is so true. I would for me add the part about clawing and fighting my way through trying to keep that "cloud" from enveloping me and swallowing me whole. Seeing the sign in the distance and running as fast as I can to get to it in hopes it tells of food, comfort and pain relief at the next stop. Praying that as time and time again it doesn't say no services at this stop.

    Anyway, I hope that today is a better day for you. That something comes along and pulls the curtains open and allows the sun to penetrate the shroud of pain that is enveloping you. Even if only for a moment it parts and allows the warmth of the sun to break in and provide a moment of warmth and comfort.

    Oh and Spock's brothers name is Sybok.

  • It's good to again read your musings, even if you aren't in the best frame of mind. Somethimes truth comes more easily at those times, don't you think? I miss your presence around here and think you need to come around more often.

    I understand when you say that pain is who you are now. I do fight that daily. Having lost most of the use of my right (dominant) hand I feel a sense of uselessness and am downright annoyed at the level of attention I need from my family members to get through this recovery. Hell, I can't even give the pain the finger anymore...hahaha!

    Never ending as it is we all find a way to get by sooner or later. Just keep that wisdom coming okay?

  • Very nice statements. In my signature is a link to positive affirmations. I use them when I'm feeling down. It's a change of a pattern of thinking. Take care I know it's not easy with chronic pain. I was thinking I have to buy an excercise ball, it reminds me of when I was a kid with one of those balls with ears you hold onto. I think excercise can help too more O2 to the brain and all that. Do you take a multivit everyday? Hope to see you around. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • coming to terms with any illness is a major part in recovery ...now i say recovery ...when i was told recovery by the men and women in lab coats ..i immediately thought that there idea or recovery was the same as mine..oh no!! i have since learnt that recovering to a level where you can function as part human {a bit like Spock}.is the medical worlds version of recovery...my version was totally different ..i thought that after 6 months i would be back at work yar de yar de dar.no chance.. as any of you know that read my post i am stuck on my recliner all day .with only short brakes to use the rest room and eat...not my idea of recovery at all ..but i have had to accept that this is it.once you can get past the fact that you more than likely wont return to your former self life will start to be come more bearable...good luck Jim ..beam me up scotty
    STRAKER {i was more into UFO and space 1999 myself hence the name STRAKER}
  • Thanks guys for sending me sunshine all day yesterday in NH!
    Straker, as much as I luv ya (and have your complete series on dvd) I luv Gay much more but I just can't afford a ticket to Moonbase via the Lunar Carrier!

    I have 'The Complete Book of Gerry Anderson's UFO'
    and this Sci-Fi & Fantasy magazine about UFO:
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