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Can't stop crying......realizing my life is a mess

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
I am sitting here crying realizing that my life is a absolute mess. I am married to a recovering alcoholic who is soooooooo selfish. There is not a day that goes by where he doesn't call me a name. Whether it be pig, hog, fat ass, fat f......., He tells me that I am lazy. I work part time being a owner of a cleaning company. This is very hard work with the problems I have with my back. Anyway, he tells me I am not a good mother, I am a loser, have no great career. He owns 2 businesses and he says if I try to leave him he will not pay me anything. He controls all the money in our bank accounts and if I withdrawl any money I am accountable for it. I am not allowed to have any credit cards and he said if I do he will break my neck. I am having surgery in 4 weeks a laminectomy and fusion and he said he will not take any time off work so I better find someone. My little boys tell him that they don't like him. I don't know what I can do to take steps to leave him. I am so sad and depressed and tired of being called names. Thanks for listening. Kelli


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842

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    Please feel free to contact me at rdilauro@gmail.com or send me a message
    I am sorry to hear about some of your personal situations.
    Regarding your surgery, what discs are involved? How long have been dealing with and what medications are you on?
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
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  • Your situation is not healthy, especially for your children. I suggest you share this with your family..your mom, sister, maybe a minister or someone with the resources to help you to change your living arrangements. It is not something you should endure and I feel you should take action to protect yourself and your children before it turns into something more than verbal abuse. Hope this helps and I will be praying for you.
  • I am so sorry. No one should have to live like that. I am the first one who usually says family is too important, don't get a divorce, but in your case, sounds like you need to leave this man.

    I pray to God that you can find someone to stay with you after your sugery, you will need so much help. I don't know what I would have done if I did not have my wife there to take care of me after my surgery.

    I'm going to pray for you right now. If you don't have a relationship with Jesus, now is a good time to get to know Him.

    God Bless,

  • I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with the others. It only gets worse over time and it sounds like he could become physically abusive. You should look into any kind of resources in your community. You are being emotionally abused and there are laws against that as well as protection in your community. Do you have a Crime Victims Assistance center in your area? You may think it's not bad enough to leave cuz he doesn't hit you but it's just as bad.

    Please feel free to PM me. I can relate to physical, verbal and emotionally abuse. I hope you find someone to help you with this situation.

    How old are your kids? Having a back/neck surgery is a major toll on your body and you need to be sure you will be able to have time to recover properly. You won't be able to do this in your current situation. Have you talked to your docs about this? You can even talk to primary doc or surgeon. That was one of the questions they asked me when I was admitted to hospital for surgery. They are required to offer you assistance if you need it and it sounds like you need it.

    I know it's difficult when he is controlling the finances. Do you have family close by?

    Kelli, I will be praying for you and your boys.
  • Wow, you're in a tough spot. First, welcome to spine-health. We are a family of sorts and as you can see already, there are very caring people who will offer all kinds of encouragement. Having neck surgery is difficult enough without adding all of the emotional abuse you are going through. This will be a time when you will have to reach deep within yourself to find the strength to get through. It does sound like some decisions need to be made regarding your marriage situation, but I don't know if this is the right time to do it. I have heard it said that we shouldn't make major decisions in our life while going through medical stuff. However, if you find yourself or your children in danger, you do need to do something. I'm so sorry for your physical pain as well as the mental anguish it sounds like you are going through.

    I am assuming that if you are having a cervical laminectomy they will be doing this from a posterior (back) approach. I can tell you that it has been my experience that the back is much more painful than the front, as I've had it both ways. I hope you can find a friend or a sister or someone who will be able to give you some help. Possible someone from your church if there are no family members available. I will say that my husband did not take time off of work, other than the day of surgery and the day I came home. But his job is flexible in that he could come home for a few minutes to check on me periodically. and I have older children who were wonderful to help out. It will be hard, but you will get through it. As you think of questions, write them down so that you can ask your doc for his recommendations. Good luck!

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I welcome you
    please tell your doctor as soon as possible
    he will be able and willing to help you
    all my love and prayers, Patsy
  • You are doing the right thing in reaching out to others.Every single feeling that you are having is normal-you are normal,you are good and worthy,and you can do this..but it's probably going to be the hardest thing that you have ever done.

    You say that he is a recovering alcoholic,but I do not think that he is recovering very well from that.The most important thing any person learns in recovery is to accept personal responsibility.If he is not drinking-he has substituted something else in the alcolhols place,and whatever that something is-is not healthy.

    You and your children are suffering and being made to suffer because of his weaknesses,so even if you love him with all of your heart-you cannot help him by staying with him.If you stay,you will be enabling him in his behavior.He has drawn you and the kids into his problem and made you a part of it.I'll bet he blames all of his problems on you.He will continue to do this until you become too weary to fight him,until you believe that every terrible name that he calls you just might be true.

    Don't listen to him.Listen to that voice inside of yourself that was there when you typed this post.The strong woman that you are is still there.I did it for 13 years and I'm good.I'm strong and happy,and you will be too..and so will your kids.

    Call the domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233 and they can lead you in the right direction.You already know where the bottom is Kelli.He might think that he has you where he wants you,but obviously he's wrong--just because you can see the bottom doesn't mean that you can't start climbing toward the top.With all the people willing to help you it's not as lonely as where you are now-I promise,and though it's hard-you won't be alone.So many people are willing to help and have been there themselves that when you start getting out you will be amazed that you didn't do it sooner.

    My prayers and well wishes are with you and your children on this night.
  • Please post everyday and let me know you are ok. Or PM me. I am worried about you and need to know you are ok. Anytime you need me, I am here for you.
  • Dear Kelli,

    Not only do you need support from a group such as ours, but it sounds like you need an Al-Anon family. There are online groups for Al-Anon as well. I belong to an online group and go to a meeting every week.

    I had a lumbar fusion and spent time in a rehab facility for 2 weeks after. If there is someone to take care of your children, ask your doctor about this option since you need help after surgery.

    I'll keep you in my prayers. Join us in the chat room. Great group of people there at all times of the day.

  • I have never been in the situation you are in. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of my family. Is there somewhere else you could go when you get out of the hospital,your parent's or a friend? I know you are in no position to go to a different bank and open an account, then go to the bank that has the largest amount in a joint account, clean it out, and leave with your boys. I think if you go home with him, he will take your meds, and leave you in pain. JUST MY OPINION, I AM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST IN ANY FORM! Maybe you can make arrangements for someone to take care of your boys, and just tell him it is while you are in the hospital, and have your doctor not release you to him when you leave the hospital. I hope you have some money of your own from your business. I have been married for 15 years, and I have never touched my wife. I am 42, and my father never touched my mother, and they have been married for 52 years.
  • you deserve better my friend ..you are in an abusively and potentially dangerous situation .i know many are thinking it but i am going to say it.GET RID OF THE SLEFISH PIG! dont let anyone treat you like that ..no i know that its easier said than done but please do yourself and your children a favour and give it some serious consideration.i hate men like that .you require love and help with your illness...
  • welcome to spine health. im so sorry your going through all this. goodluck on your surgery! i agree with others to seek help from family and friends. i wish you the best...take care....m
  • right, first of all, 7 years ago i packed a bag of clothes each for me and my 4 children, and made myself intentionally homeless, went to a b and b for 2 nights and then to a womens aid refuge, where the 5 of us shared an attic bedroom for 6 months...4 families sharing 1 kitchen and 1 living room and 1 bathroom 2 toilets, at worst there were 15 kids living there...well, we got ourself a local authority house, and a grant fund to help furnish it, long way down the road, after hard work and dedication, its now not a bad little home at all, and ive met a wonderful man, who, though doesnt live with us, is looking after me wonderfully and ive just yesterday come out of hospital after a tlif fusion l5 s1, and without him i dont know how id be managing, so ditch the bad man, sort your life out and then go for the surgery...no point in going in at all otherwise...it can be dont, and you will be happy, dig deep for your inner strength and use it

    hope you do the right thing and acheive happiness in your life, for you and your children...x
  • Please post and let us know that you are ok.

    You do not deserve this. No one has the right to treat you this way.

    None of us needs to tell you that you are in a bad situation, you already know. What you may not realize yet is that you are in a potentially lethal situation. Your life, and the lives of your children are in danger, and will be in danger every day that you stay with this man. Even if the abuse is entirely verbal, it won't necessarily stay that way.

    Most abusers work to get their victims as isolated as possible--no friends, no family, no money, no resources. Do you have a friend or family member willing to help you?

    If you belong to a church, that can be a great resource at a time like this. If not, you need to look into state/city agencies that can help you. He may not hit you, but you are being abused. You have every right to a place in a shelter, or any other assistance that a local battered women's organization could provide.

    Talk to your doctors. Tell them everything. They can help you get in touch with organizations that can assist you.

    Please get yourself and your children out of that house before your surgery.
    It will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can do it.
    There are people that can help, you just need to find them.

    Good luck.
  • laying here thinking avout your situation and feeling bad. I wish there was something I could do for you. Besides just being here. Keep your chin up and be brave. I know its hard, but you have spport of all of us here.
  • I hope you do not have the surgery in the mental mess you are in now. You need to have a good recovery and only have one time to heal right. I feel your pain PLEASE look for someone you trust and figure this out for you and your kids.
  • As you can see there are lots of great people here. I was in a situation somewhat like yours. You have to dig down deep inside yourself and find the strength to walk away. I thought I could hold it all together for the sake of the kids until I finally woke up one day and said "NO MORE!" I didn't want my kids to watch some man being emotionally abusive to me and I definitely didn't want my boys growing up thinking that's the way you treat a girl. Now I have 2 well adjusted grown boys one is a father and husband and is great in both roles. I moved 650 miles away to get a fresh start. That's how serious I was about it being over between the two of us. I hope you can find that same sort of strength. We are all here for you. >:D<
  • you need to find the nearest shelter or center for women. I am studing human services and My mother works in the court house in our state of CT under domestic violence. Your situation is one that is not healthy for someone with your kind of pain and your children can really be affected by this kind of trama... Get yourself and your family the proper help! You all deserve to get out and have a better life.
  • Hi sweetheart-you are one brave lady. I agree with all the other replies. You have reached out and now you can see there are many people who really care about you and your children. I don't have any magic answers but will keep you in my thoughts and send you the biggest loving gentle hug.
    Hugs n' Love - Paula
  • You know how long i've been trying to get back to you..thru all these web pages. i just did my 2nd neck surgery...tomorrow will be a month. I walked wide legged for 6 years.....i never had any problems with my walking till I met my husband....he used to choked me in my neck brace after the last neck surgery!!!!! He is now in prison here in Colorado for killing his girlfriend 13 months after I left him!!!!!! You STAY STRONG GIRL whoever you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I have read all of your posts and it looks like there are ALOT of good people out there on your side!!!!!! I tell people who I meet that Im a DV Councelor.....Expert...... I don't know you from...adam........but I did know when to get out..... for the final time....i love you...it will never happen again...i don't know what came over me....your the one with the problem (yeah, you..don't tell him that)...I'm gonna do....something....cuz of u.........GET OUT!!!!! Some don't get that chance....like I sd.... mine's in prison and I never met her either...........
  • This guy is going to explode soon get away from go to family friends,tell police take your kids to Rick in ncpa
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