Fellow sufferers. PLease accept my apologies for the following.......I know most of you will relate to it.....I'm just having a murderous day, and I've only been in deep pain since December, and know I have a long way to go.
I now know that I cannot drive. After narrowly avoiding several cars at junctions and roundabouts, or I should say they narrowly avoided me which is actually the case. I cannot turn my head quick enough, and cannot turn my whole body fast enough to check at junctions.
Quite apart from that, the excruciating pain that ensued after my jaunt, was enough to convince me that I shall probably never drive again.
I had to take maximum drugs last evening, and even now, I can barely move without provoking a blinding head.
Before you say it. I know it was my own fault, I do not seek sympathy.
I used to have a life.
My life now consists of housework. Mundane, simple chores that I used to do with ease but now take me three times as long, and provoke pain and disability. I have to feel proud of myself that I have cooked a meal or made a bed. I stagger through days, bumping into things, tripping over things. Sometimes I laugh, but very often I cry.
I used to be clever.
Well respected both in the working environment and in private life, Ability to retain and recall complex information, and be able to think, evaluate, make decisions and be, at times applauded for my many abilities.
All gone now. Now, I'm very lucky if I can remember if I've taken medication or not and have to be content when I do.
I used to be independent.
All gone now. I do not see or talk to a single person all day. I walk, and walk and walk, miles some days, often out for an hour or more, but that cannot be fulfilling.
I cannot earn a wage. I cannot earn respect for any of my efforts as they are so meagre.
I look forward with dread, for all there is, is more pain, more disability, more unknown and frightening 'treatments' and drugs, blessed drugs. Doctors sympathetically shaking their heads. But no light to work toward, unless I count dangerous major surgery as a light.
I try and smile, and be happy. I try all day to make sure the house is clean and tidy and a meal awaits. Not so much to gain any accolades, but for me. It isn't much to be proud of, but it's all I have. All I have left of me.
Every day, and every night is a challenge to be faced with dread and trepidation. But far worse, is the prospect of it never changing and that fills me with enormous grief.
I grieve for my former life. I grieve for that happy, clever, independent person I used to be. I grieve for the person that is no longer there.
Instead, I put a smile on my face, tell myself that I'm fine, to cover the pain and grief...........it takes very little to break through the veneer.
After having my hair cut, I'm resting today, drugged to the gunwales, comfy sofa, pile of books, and maybe even some daytime TV.
PS. Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.