Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Bad day. I apologise. I just feel SO miserable

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Neck Pain: Cervical
Fellow sufferers. PLease accept my apologies for the following.......I know most of you will relate to it.....I'm just having a murderous day, and I've only been in deep pain since December, and know I have a long way to go.

I now know that I cannot drive. After narrowly avoiding several cars at junctions and roundabouts, or I should say they narrowly avoided me which is actually the case. I cannot turn my head quick enough, and cannot turn my whole body fast enough to check at junctions.

Quite apart from that, the excruciating pain that ensued after my jaunt, was enough to convince me that I shall probably never drive again.

I had to take maximum drugs last evening, and even now, I can barely move without provoking a blinding head.

Before you say it. I know it was my own fault, I do not seek sympathy.

I used to have a life.

My life now consists of housework. Mundane, simple chores that I used to do with ease but now take me three times as long, and provoke pain and disability. I have to feel proud of myself that I have cooked a meal or made a bed. I stagger through days, bumping into things, tripping over things. Sometimes I laugh, but very often I cry.

I used to be clever.

Well respected both in the working environment and in private life, Ability to retain and recall complex information, and be able to think, evaluate, make decisions and be, at times applauded for my many abilities.
All gone now. Now, I'm very lucky if I can remember if I've taken medication or not and have to be content when I do.

I used to be independent.

All gone now. I do not see or talk to a single person all day. I walk, and walk and walk, miles some days, often out for an hour or more, but that cannot be fulfilling.
I cannot earn a wage. I cannot earn respect for any of my efforts as they are so meagre.

I look forward with dread, for all there is, is more pain, more disability, more unknown and frightening 'treatments' and drugs, blessed drugs. Doctors sympathetically shaking their heads. But no light to work toward, unless I count dangerous major surgery as a light.

I try and smile, and be happy. I try all day to make sure the house is clean and tidy and a meal awaits. Not so much to gain any accolades, but for me. It isn't much to be proud of, but it's all I have. All I have left of me.

Every day, and every night is a challenge to be faced with dread and trepidation. But far worse, is the prospect of it never changing and that fills me with enormous grief.

I grieve for my former life. I grieve for that happy, clever, independent person I used to be. I grieve for the person that is no longer there.

Instead, I put a smile on my face, tell myself that I'm fine, to cover the pain and grief...........it takes very little to break through the veneer.

After having my hair cut, I'm resting today, drugged to the gunwales, comfy sofa, pile of books, and maybe even some daytime TV.

PS. Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.



  • I'm sorry you're feeling so down today. I would bet a month's pay (easy for me - I'm temporarily unemployed) that almost every single member of SH, if not all, have had the kind of day you're having. I know that I've had a couple of posts that sounded much like yours and I've read some too.

    Don't forget what your signature says - The Relief is out there somewhere! And perhaps it is surgery, but even though spine surgery is very difficult, take it from me that it certainly CAN be a light at the end of the tunnel!

    Scully, take care of yourself. Try to do something that you know gives you the kind of joy you're needing now. It could be a hobby (old or new), a visit to a friend, a phone call to a loved one, a good book, or making the best darned dessert in the world and then eating the whole thing yourself.

    Whatever happens, there IS relief out there and one day you'll find it. And when that happens, I'm going to be the first one to read your post and say "I told you so!"

    I'm thinking about you today. Many, many gentle hugs to you, my friend.
  • I have had every emotion you mentioned and it's like being in a fog. You can't believe your identity is gone. I have learned to think softer- it's their problem, not mine. I am an innocent victim of everything that happend to me and I'm sure that you are too.God has something in store for us, I just havent figured it out yet.
  • Hiya >:D< >:D< >:D< Im sorry that you have so much pain, and are low in yourself, we all here can relate to your pain, and the everyday struggles your going through. These days are difficult, and when this changes your to the degree that its changed yours its a culture shock, and we have to ajust and accept our illness and disability. What i try to do is turn negatives into positives, it is hard, i still cry and get angry.But i get through because i have to, if not for me but for the people that love me. All this changed my life just as the same as you. It was very hard at first, i just would not accept what was going on with me , the i realised i had to accept it. Now i am more comfortable with whats going on, just certain people around me cant see my pain.

    Angie xx
  • I understand every word, every sentence you wrote. You are not alone as there are many of us that know what your words mean...literally

    It took me more than two years to accept my new normal...yet I still have hope that I can regain the other me.

    It's a good thing you did write what you are feeling, it helps I think...and the friends you can make here will be priceless!

    Be gentle to yourself..and hold on to your spirit.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    You are among members who can understand and relate to how your are feeling. Spinal problems before and after surgery can take alot out of people both physically and mentally.
    I think that anyone who deals with chronic pain understands the Roller Coaster Ride! We will have our Good days and we will have some really Down days.
    Those bad days can take a lot out of. Those are the days when everything just is not right. You can't do this, you can't do that, you miss this, you miss that, I could go on forever trying to explain all the feelings that go with the bad days.
    But since we are on a Roller Coaster ride, we all know that those bad days will turn to good days sometime. In the beginning of our healing or recovery process, it is unfair that the bad days outnumber the good days.
    I have been doing everything I know how, working with doctors, therapists, etc to change that so that my good days
    outnumber the bad ones.

    Everyone can make that happen. Its not easy, and for some it would require more work, but its a goal everyone here should have
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • im sorry to hear your feeling down. everyone here at times feels this way. its difficult learning to adjust our lives to the changes with spine issues. i wish you the best...take care...m
  • i agree with Ron - no need to apologize....i hope tomorrow goes better....some days i am praying for bedtime (not always the relief I want) so that tomorrow it can be another day and maybe it will be better.

    Perhaps it is good for all of us here to know that the bad days come and not to feel like a 'failure' when they do. By reading your post - maybe someone needed to know they weren't the only one who has days like yours today. I hope that makes sense....

    In any case - thank goodness you have a place to vent this out. And some great people to respond with compassion and heart felt concern.

    take care and here's hoping tomorrow is better
  • If you have nerve impingement and leave it that way, you may end up with permanent nerve damage. Surgery could be your one chance to get your life back. I've had 7 dangerous major surgeries and this is the only reason I am able to walk and use my right arm/hand. Maybe you should give it some thought. When staying the way you are becomes more frightening than having a surgery, your decision is made. It makes me so sad that you dread every day and night. I have been there too. It's a horrible way to live. Could be that major surgery IS the light at the end of your tunnel. My heart goes out to you, good luck.

    Keep Hope,
    Faith M
  • dont be afraid to lean on us when you need to, its what we do, i can lean on you from my bad side, and you can lean back, then we can stand up and find a new balance1
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • you described my daily life so perfectly that tears
    are rolling down my cheeks. i don't mean a "bad" day
    either...it's every day.

    day after day after day after day...

    it's insanity. a nightmare. i'm ready to wake up now
    and go camping, fishing, horseback riding, running,
    boating, happy hour, dinner, dancing, anything.

    the social isolation is killer. trying to be uplifting
    when others ARE around is killer...but so important to
    keep them coming around. i avoid the phone on my worst
    of days because i just can't get that "pep" in my voice.

    thanks for sharing so much of yourself. it's not that i
    feel "better" ...it just made me feel less alone. helped
    me cry a little too...i hate crying - but sometimes it
    gets rid of the anxiety. i guess.

    very best regards,
  • what a lovely thing to say.

  • You are allowed to have bad days, I would urge you to share on these boards like you have.
    Those who have been there know.

    But, every day is a new day and you need to accept (easy to say I know) that your life has changed (for now) and needs modifications, albeit shorter term to get through your days.

    Try and focus on something...your family and how valuable you are to them.

    I am almost housebound but decided to bring the world into my life. I invite lots of friends round for coffee cos I can't do much else!!
    I shop on line so I don't feel so deprived as I did.
    My outer world is my PC...wouldn't be without this.

    I feel "passionate" that the pain in my life will not rule me. It is ugly pain that in real terms dictates my life and has stolen the former me. But I refuse to give in to it and gritting my teeth, each day try and achieve a small something holding on firmly to the hope that tomorrow will bring. My attitude is my savour. I wish I could explain it better and give you some.
    Be brave and be strong.
    Clench your teeth and hold your head high. You are no less a person, quite the opposite for being in pain. Now you need to challenge the pain....and win your control back.

    I am sending you kind thoughts, my words are meant to help you so pls do not think I am being harsh...they are not intended that way at all.

  • I have read each and every one of your replies, several times, and it gives so much more than support. I know that I am not alone, we all have to 'get through'.

    Monday has been my lowest day thus far. Tuesday wasn't so bad, but today the dark dark clouds are gathering once again.

    My Partner, is also struggling. I get so frustrated and angry with it all, and I've been 'such a horrible person these last few days' the sort of person I would hate.

    I know that we have to have these days, in order to appreciate the 'OK' ones. But, at the time those thoughts can't seem to battle through, the anger, pain and loss that we all feel.

    I have to confess, that in Monday, for the first time in my life, ever. I sat and looked at my array of drugs, and wondered exactly how many of them it would take to end this dreadful feeling, for good.

    Mercifully, some other part of me, woke up and screamed, 'Don't you dare do this to the people who are trying to care for you, you have no right to do so' Followed by hours and hours of heart wracking sobs I managed to limp, pathetically through to fight another day.

    Today I hate myself for the monster that has been born within me, through no fault of my own. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to blame the drugs on my dark, irrational thoughts and behaviours, or the pain, of all of the above. But I know that I will speak to my doctor,and be honest with her, and let her guide me. Rather than stop the drugs 'cold turkey'

    I'm so tired today, phycically and mentally exhausted. I will try and sleep it off today. I will also try NOT to dwell on 'why some of us are dealt the hands we are' and try and be a grown-up woman, and just 'deal with it'

    Thank-you seems so inadequate, but it comes from deep within my heart, to all of you that care.


  • and don't go anywhere else.

    I absolutely appreciate what you say and have too shared the grim moments. And recently.

    If your pain issues were resolved you would be ok, right?
    So fight that tomorrow will see a new day and you will find some relief.

    Perhaps too you need to change gear and become more noisy to your doctors..."I can't cope anymore"...it is quite acceptable when in chronic pain.
    The other thing you could consider is a trip to ER albeit to get a good dose of pain mediation, least you sleep and feel better on a good sleep.
    My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.
  • I sure appreciate you sharing your pain. Racked with more pain than normal, I am in my recliner, ice packs in place, head pounding. Neck, shoulder, arm, hand, but does the head have to hurt again too?! What can I do? Where can I go? I know, I'll see if there is anything helpful on Spine Health's forums. I read about five different post threads and then found yours which is about two weeks old now. But you hit me where I am. In so much pain I don't know how I can stand it. I am so frustrated words escape me. My mate is not only clueless, but resentful - as if I can help it. I'm so alone in my marriage! He acts like he's stuck with me, but does he need to make me feel badly about it?! Oops, I didn't mean to rant, plus typing hurts, so I'll stop.

    I too in tears feel it all too well. I love God and believe He has a plan for me and a purpose for this, but I have days that it is hard to understand what it could possibly be. Thanks for sharing your pain.
    Your pain friend,
  • I understand not wanting to answer the phone because of how you're feeling. I was told somewhere to smile before you pick up the phone it works sometimes...I guess we sure can relate to this. Sometimes we don't know the words. And Dee I'm sorry you're having a bad pain day. My back and leg pain right now is not good. I may cave and take a percocet which I haven't used in 6 weeks. It's one of those days. I know Dee and I know God hears us crying.. I remember a script about the angels put the tears in a bottle and the essence went up to God and he heard their cry. Also it poured rain here today and I thought my tears are in the rain and maybe others also. I hope you're feeling a little better everyone we're still going on. Take care.Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Also i think what it is, for example: getting out of bed in the mornings can exhaust you before you have even started to get dressed, these tasks alone , can be extremely tiring, somedays i feel like i have run a marathon. This is when we start to get low because we are tired and on top of all that most of us have a number of medications to take, which can make you feel any how.

  • Having back pain is a difficult situaton at it's best. All the feelings that you are feeling are what we all feel at one time or another. Hang in there. Remember you have a different life now but you can still find things to bring you joy. I pray for you to find comfort and peace. We are here for you so don't ever hesitate to ask for help.

  • This is what you need to do to try and help you deal with this a little better :) . I always say i treat people the way i want to be treated :) (i have horrible days) So no one wants to be treated badly and you do not want a barrier between you and your partener :S . You need to get what information you can about this :? and get your partener to read it, if he wont, then read it to him :B . Then what you need to say to him is when you have a bad day you will tell him :) , so you are sorry if you get angry, snappy, irritable,upset :''( ~X( and that you do not want to be this way :S , but you are and you are trying to find the best way to deal with it :) but you CAN NOT do it alone and you need his help :? , but for him to help you he has to have some knowledge and understanding :? , so you need to work together as a team. >:D< I do hope this will be of help to you :)

    Angie :H
  • Maybe I was only suppose to live 30 years or so.. Sometimes I just think about all the youth that die young from war, murder, poverty, cancer, gun violence, suicide ect...I coach high school basketball at a school where kids live in poverty and shoot each other right in front of the police and everybody else in the crowd at the games and thats just the way it is... hey at least I made it to 29. And if anyone one on this message board lived to be 40 or older then you should be grateful for that. But I must say as I read more post like this day after day DDD sounds like it ends in slow painful death...
  • We are all going to die some day. No one gets off this planet alive. For me, I know that I'm going to Heaven where the Bible says in Revelation 21:4 "...There shall be no more pain." Yippee! I'm probably not allowed to share my faith on this site, but I hope it's okay to share what the Bible says about pain, and that this gives me hope. If someone wants to talk with me about this in particular, just PM me.

    No matter how bad our pain is, we can still find joy if we look. One of the best ways to do that is to do something for someone else. That is one of the cool things about this forum. We can write an encouraging note to each other and a reminder that we're not alone. Many of the readers of this post are in more pain than me but that doesn't matter. I know that they understand the pain I'm in, when no one else does. Then when one more family member or friend innocently asks me, "Is your neck better?" - instead of whacking that ding-dong on the head with my purse, I can say "No, it's not" with a smile, and not be ticked because I know they mean well. Plus I have my spine friends who know what this is like.

    Hang in the JK and everyone else! You are not alone any more.

    ((((Big Hugs))))
  • I have to say that I am here for you. You were their for me when I needed you. We all have our bad days and feel sorry for ourself but that is ok. We have to vent, cry, or scream to let it out. If you dont, then it hurts more.

    The other day when you sent me those messages I was crying so hard I don't even know how I typed. I did not go to work for 3 days because I was a nervous wreck. I still am in ways but don't worry about expressing yourself. It is better out than in.

    I try to bottle my tears up too. Sometimes I feel like I am crying on the inside. Then when it explodes, it is bad. I actually am on an antidepressant. I told myself I would never take one.

    Scully pm me if you need me I am always here for you! 8> <:P ;)
  • Hello my Friends,

    A Huge thankyou to all or you for your encouraging words of support and strength.

    I wrote this post back on March 10th, during a a very dark day, which merifully passed and the sun shined once more.

    Having learnt so much from this forum, and learnt so much from each of you and your own fight against these dibilitating conditions, I know also know that it's OK to have 'down and dark days' that it's OK to cry, and that it's OK to feel mad and angry.

    For all your words and support, even though you yourselves are suffering, I thank you, from the depths of my soul I thank you all.

    Thinking of you in these troubled times

  • I know what your saying we can all just hope for more days of sun then darkness..
  • I'm sorry you're feeling so down and you must not apologize for it. This isn't your fault and you did nothing to bring upon this pain. No one asks to live this way. You have described a day that is familiar to all of us. Sometimes we aren't able to do a thing and it makes us feel even worse inside. I am with you too and you're not alone in your suffering. I wish I could take away all the pain, but I can only offer understanding and sympathy and pray that better days will come again for you. You DO accomplish many things when you work around the house and go for your walks- I'm sure is appreciated greatly by your loved ones because they know that it took a great sacrifice on your part. Little things do mean a lot, and just keep on doing what you can, whenever you can. Take care
Sign In or Register to comment.