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Breaking up, coping, and moving on

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,662
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:29 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hello Everyone,

I read a lot of stories from individuals on this forum where their family, friends, and spouses give post surgical support. Of course, I regretfully and sympathetically read posts where people post surgically find themselves alone, abused, or in the midst of divorce.

Anyway, I agree that those recovering from spinal fusion needs a rather stress free environment to recover in. That is why I cannot continue to date the woman I have seen for the past two years. Like most relationships we have had our ups and downs, but she has no empathy for my temporary disabilities. She still wants me to take her out to the movies, pay for dinner, and sleep over her apartment on an almost daily basis. Her general tone with me over the past 2 months is "we don't do anything fun anymore" (my surgery was 10 weeks ago). She makes me feel ridiculously guilty and I walk on eggshells around her. I tried to explain to her that I have 6 screws in my spine with titanium rods and it will take me some time to heal. Historically, whenever she'd suffer from a common cold I rush to her doorstep with NyQuil, Nasal Decongestant, and homemade chicken noodle soup. Unbelievable ...

I think that a year or two from now I'll be posting how much my back has healed, succeeding at work through the turmoil, and maybe involved in a healthy friendship. I can only hope right now, but it seems a long way off. Right now, things seem grim, dim, and frustrating. Pathetic huh?

Thanks for listening,





  • I am so sorry to hear that your girlfriend was not supportive and was very selfish in thinking her needs should come before your health and healing from surgery. I have always said since I started having issues with my back is that you really find out who your friends and loved ones are. It's amazing how many people that you thought all your life were your best friends, soul mates etc will up and abandon you when you can no longer do for them.

    I seem to have (actually had) a lot of one way friendships. It was me doing all the giving whether it be emotionally, dropping everything and running to the aid of an upset friend but as soon as I needed them they were no where to be found.

    It is better to have found this out now rather than waiting until after you married her or had children together. You deserve someone who is going to love you no matter what, through sickness and in health.
  • I know that you are in pain right now (physical as well as emotional), but I have to applaud your decision to end that relationship. People that have not suffered as we do can't be expected to completely understand, but those that really love you will try. My husband doesn't understand what it is like to be in pain every day, but he tries to be supportive anyway. I'm not as much fun as I used to be, and I'm sad and cranky and frightened. He gets frustrated, as I do, that I can't do the things I used to. But he helps me every day, and usually with a smile. I hope you find someone who will do that for you. In the meantime, know that you did the right thing and try to heal in peace for a while.
  • Like you have a pretty good grasp on what needs to be done to be the healthiest "you" you can be. Unfortunately, more often than not, those are the hardest decisions to go thru with, especially when you don't want to hurt the other person. Just remember that you are doing this to better your life, and not because she is an awful person. It's just not what you need right now, and you obviously know it.

    Sending you hugs and good vibes to help you get thru this.

  • Thanks for the support. You are absolutely right about friendship being tested during such times. I find it difficult to ask people for help and many times don't. So, when you overcome your initial fears in asking for help, and don't receive it, matters become even worse.

    I have followed some of your posts and can appreciate your situation. I was sorry to hear about your broken hardware in the surgery section. I hope you get help and relief from your pain.

    I was sad to hear your husband was not as supportive when you needed him recently. Does he understand now, after you new imaging studies, why your pain was so severe? I hope with this new-found information friends and family buckle down their efforts to help you.


  • I am happy to know your husband is so supportive. We all know how difficult it can be, but he is setting the right example and doing what he should ...... being a loving husband. You, I am sure, would do the exact same thing. Plus, I know you give back to the relationship in so many other ways :)

    I have many people who care about me and I feel lucky for that. I always wished that my girlfriend had treated me the way my friends did. As much as I do for my friends I did ten times that for her and yet they appreciate my time, effort, and gifts ...... she didn't. In a way, without this recent surgery, I may have been a punching bag for quite some time. I'm glad I finally had the clarity and courage to do what's right.

    I will take the time to heal now ......


  • Thanks so much for understanding. You are right about not wanting to hurt the other person. It's weird, after all of the abuse I have taken, I was more concerned with letting her down gently. As I opened the door to leave her apartment she said, "Are you sure this is what you want to do? If you change your mind in the future I don't know if I would take you back". I told her it was the correct decision and closed the door behind me. It was definitely a very hard thing to do. Matter of fact, I just got done leaving the rest of her things on her porch.

    Thanks for the hugs - I needed it,

  • I know that was a VERY hard thing to actually go thru with, and I know it will be difficult at first. But you are worth so much more and deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and mutual respect. I KNOW "she" is out there somewhere for you!! I just KNOW it!! And she will be in 7th Heaven having a great guy like yourself.

    It took me years to find the man I am with now. After my 1st hubby killed himself I swore that I would never love again. But here I am, engaged to a man that is just amazing. I sometimes feel like Tom (my 1st hubby) led me to him... that might sound crazy, but it's the kind of guy HE would want me to be with, and to be with our child. I had to kiss ALOT of frogs (got warty lips infact lol) to find this one.

    So, my hat is off to you my dear Josh. You did a really difficult thing that is going to be a very positive move in your life. You should take comfort in knowing how strong you are. You can do it, and you did!!! God bless you my brother.

    All my love and support coming your way!!

    Your friend,

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