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Time to WHAT?

WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:29 AM in Depression and Coping
I'd guess I am not the only one who has this question.

What time is it anymore? I have an SCS trial under my belt awaiting the approval of a permanent version, or perhaps a denial by my HMO? Yet, there is a lack of caring. I feel very tired. I do the stuff of days and nights. I can have fun, laugh, converse with people, but there is not a spark, a motivation, an event on the horizon that appeals to me...

How do we get to this spot? Pain? familiarity? Contempt?
A job? woopie!

I suspect it is merely the kickback, whiplash of a week in disneyworld! Who could escape that place unscathed ? I seem to be not that strong. I had a good time. Honest I did! I took my meds, I paced myself, I rode every ride I wanted to, did all the things my wife asked of me. Slept in, shopped, etc, It all felt good, the pain was rough from time to time, but I did not allow it to rule me or ruin the trip.

So, I wonder, why do I feel so down? Is it the return to the drudgery of the "real" world?

I have contacted my PCP and he has nudged my PM to get my SCS approved, I am awaiting the answer on that. I try and come over here and read, but I am having trouble not getting depressed when I read the pain of others so I am not doing much posting anymore, I can see that I am slowly retreating from the things I enjoyed. I am simply doing what so many of us do.

I'm surrendering, I'm waving my little white flag. I want so much just to surrender and tell this all to go away for a while.

I'm also going to hope that once I rest up a day or so I'll feel more alive again.

Nothing like a good vacation to beat the snot out of a depressed chronic pain sufferer!


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    We can have our good, or I should say better times. Experiences like you just had on vacation. So in many ways, you were in fantasy land.

    You had a short, too short of time to feel normal, to do things that others do without giving it a thought.

    I do hope that your SCS trial works out the way you want it to. People like yourself, who try to reach out and help others, not complain about their own problems.... Those are the ones that should get what they are after.

    Everything happens for a reason, nothing goes bye un-noticed.
    I do hope your time will come when you get what you are after.
    I still believe and I guess I will always believe, good things will happen to good people. But I also realize that sometimes that takes a while...
    Time, Time is on your side!

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • is we're all here for you. Pain and dealing with doctors and insurance sucks the life out of us.

    I wish I could do more to help all of us. But we're all in the same boat. Feel free to post and know that we are supporting you too. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • I was hoping you would be able to enjoy your vacation. You will be getting a private message for more detail --- but the vacation did help.........and returning to the real world is a hard pill to swallow.

    Keep fighting...........I know you dont want to have to tell your co-workers your backside got kicked by a woman... :W >:D<

    Keep in mind I fought and waited 2 very painful years for my SCS - they started recommending it in February 2007 and I just got it. Hang in there my friend.

    You know how to reach me if the need arises.

    Jacque >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • I want to say thanks for the replies, it does help.

    I got a fun reward back at work today, it's a long story but in a nutshell an ex-employee was rehired at a fair salary and 3 months after his hire we all got raises that were very nice. They gave the "new" hire his years of service back and he was making an equal salary to mine, with equal years if service. I was not wild about it, but that is policy, so fine. Today they tell this guy that since he was way below his salary level at the time of the raise he should have gotten a bigger raise! Now he makes over $2000 a year more than I do. In essence he has been rewarded for leaving and coming back and the fact that Human Resources screwed around getting his salary level right when he was rehired!

    I have filed a complaint with my boss. but, I doubt it will do any good. I was down about a lot of this stuff anyway, now to get this added to it is insult to injury. Bad economy, zero reward for sticking it out here when salarys sucked, bigger rewards to those who said screw it and quit, then they can't find a job and come back X(
    Yes, you read it correct, the guy could not find a job period and spent months as a temp applying for every position that came open till he got back on. I even like the guy. I'm glad he is here, but the incredible stupidity of this situation on top of it all just has me ready to scream.

    I feel so sorry for my wife ~X(

    Yay! I'm so happy I could just X(

    EDIT: My boss says as soon as he figures out WTF is going on with the new guys pay he will get back to me. To which I told him I expected fair and equal treatment! Just enough to make me scream! This place has tons on policies, rules, regulations, it trounces all over them and does whatever it wants to. I will file an actual grievance on this one if it sticks and they do not match my salary to his, there is no reason for them to make this adjustment to this guys salary. For what? because he quit and came back?

    I guess realistically most of this is because I am tired of sitting around waiting to do something here! anything, my bosses superior has asked him to rewrite all our job descriptions and he just keeps sitting on them putting it off. If, I had some idea of what I am supposed to be doing all of this would be easier! No, all I get to do is pussyfoot around, waiting, on everything! Work, SCS, home, life.....
  • Is there any point to any of this? ANY of it? I am very, very tired of it all, life in general simply SUCKS. Pain, poor pain control, headaches, crappy job, it all seems so D**ned pointless. Nothing I do leaves me feeling better, I just can't get away from PAIN right now. Depression, misery.

    I'm sure that a lot of people here deal with this, but honestly right now, this is deeper and darker than I care to deal with. I'm supposed to be "hanging in there", but I just can't find anything that doesn't hurt to hold on with!

    I don't want to call or go running to an er, I'm not termainal, I'm more like a 7-8, but it has been a long stack of 7-8 days in a row, Like I been laying curled up waiting to get this over with, people walk by, ask me how I am, they pass me, circle around and kick me when I'm not looking. They seem to be blind to my pain, I dare not say anything as if I attract attention they hurt me more.

    Does any of this make any sense? I doubt that it does. I so much want an answer on this SCS, just tell me no allready, anything. I need to move some direction, my Norco does not buy relief, it buys a headache.

    Pain, pain meds, it has all screwed up so much I can't see where I used to be, I can't find anyone who lives in this house that even seems to understand this still hurts, for real. I can't talk to anyone but my oldest son about it.
    I can't lay this all on hime, he is in his freshman year of engineering. He is the only one who will honestly act like he cares or even believes me......

    Sometimes, I think the road is just to long to travel...
    Does anyone here know a good place along this road to rest?
    I am so very, very tired.
  • Try to look around and take it one day at a time. Enjoy each moment. Read some Shakespear Listen to music. Watch the sun set. Enjoy a tea, hot chocolate, milk and cookies. Find your happy place. Do some deep breathing and count to ten. Do a little gardening if you can or clean out a cupboard. I know distraction isn't always the answer and life isn't always easy. I struggle sometimes too and it feels good to vent also. Tell us about Disney. Did you go on the roller coaster that goes upside down? How does that zerogravity feel like? I hope you feel better. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I wish I knew exactly what to say, or even a fraction of what to say that would help tear apart the shroud surrounding you at the moment. Please try to keep in mind that this is only a portion of the journey.

    Do you have any pets? Sometimes the unconditional love of a pet, can move mountains.

    Can you speak to your PCP about the "space" you are in?

    As Charry mentioned, music can be a build help too. Depending on my mood I will listen to certain types of music and it can even help to reduce my pain and allow me to go to sleep.

    Stay with us!

  • I totally understand what you're saying. I get tired of when I am honest with my husband and close friends about how I feel and they say I just need to be positive and that I will feel better. Really? I know that they don't know what to say and quite honestly having somebody to talk to that will just listen and let me get my feelings out would be helpful. I feel like I'm losing that.

    So many fears have been brought on because of this pain. The fact that my surgeon told me recovery would be 3 to 6 months and the PM said no way it's 6 to 12 months hasn't helped me. I did this surgery based on what I researched as well as what the dr told me. I know it was necessary but a very large part of my life is being totally ruined because of this pain and inability to do things that everyone else does easily every day of their lives.

    If nothing else, know that we are all here for you. I will always listen (read) and never make promises. I will pray that you get answers and relief soon. >:D<
  • I've been trying to get out of this for days now, there just does not seem to be a doorway out, not a peep, nothing.
    It's not like I'm going to do anything at all, it just feels so d**ned hopeless.

    My back keeps popping and I have this massive briused sore as hell sensation deep down under my shoulder blade and into my shoulder. I take my meds and I feel nauseated and I keep getting massive almost migraine type headaches. I have to be very carefull not to stress out or the headaches gets worse. My life is a mess, the house is a mess, my wife, if I mention my pain she seems to not know what to say so she says nothing at all, if I comment about that I end up feeling quilty about complaining about the same old thing. My dog is getting to the point he can't get up from his hip pain, so I have been informed that I need to take him to the vet. My mother-in-law called me 3 times while I was doing my SCS trial. What is wrong with that you wonder? Well, my own mother never calls me at all.

    I have so many things bringing me down I have no choice but to look up! There is no other direction!

    Disney, well hey here's a good one. We bought 4 day park hopper tickets and were told if we did not use day four we could convert them to no expiration date by calling within 4 days. So we called today to add 2 days to the unused day and remove the expiration date. They told us we can only do that at the parks! Long story short after three phone calls and a written online complaint we now have an incident number to use the unused day next time we are down!

    Otherwise Disney was great! a release from the drudgery of the real world! I could control my pain by just taking the Norco two at a time every 4 hours after the second dose I was usually O.K. as long as I stayed on top of it for the day! I did not get the zero g rollercoaster, well, not that I know of.

    We did all the ones we love, Tower of Terror, Splash Mountain, Space mountain, Mount Everest. The 3d movies are some of our favs too! Love the stupid safari ride in Animal Kingdom. We did it on a day where it rained till 10:30 am so we so all the animals actually out and about!

    Thanks, for the comments, I feel slightly better now.

    I'd feel even better if I could just get a date. My right arm seems so "wrong" now, even worse than before the SCS trial. I was helping my son do some stuff today and I now have tremors in my hand I do not recall that ever being an issue.
    I must say I the idea that this may be progressing scares me down deep. Probably just me slowly going nuts here.

    When does this end? I am also afraid I will get tot the end of this ride and find it has been way to short...
    I often find that I write and get to a point and totally loose my train of thought and just can't get it back.
    Now would be one of those times :(
  • Is there any way you can get some moist heat? A good spa or nice pool or a flexible heat pad? Alternate that with an ice pack? I find that helps me with that scapula pain and to release enough tension to reduce the migraine like headaches produced by the muscle spasms. That tension can also cause tremors. I can get tremors from the tension and also the release of that tension. I just work around it and try not to focus on it.

    On a side note, have you tried any acupuncture? While I was waiting on my SCS trial, acupuncture was the only thing that kept me from total desolation.

  • No "real" acupuncture around here. Last time it was mentioned I checked into it. Nothing available in this area, I also have a fear it may make things worse.

    All I am trying to do is get to the SCS install day! Yet, I have no idea as to when that may be at this point.

    My wife is not helping me AT ALL, I don't get it, I thought we were supposed to be supportive, yet...Maybe I used up all her sympathy? I don't know, just a few more days, surely this won't take to much longer to get approved?

    I hope.
  • your words were like looking into a mirror...i was a ghost just waiting for my letter from the disability hearing. all was dark. for two weeks i cried. at everything and nothing. i chased away my boyfriend, scared my children...why? i questioned my life, my sanity, my choices, everything! and if it could go wrong, it did.

    but then i realized, after fighting for so long now, was i really going to just give up now? what would i be teaching my children? besides, i know that no matter what the judge thinks, my pain is severe! and there is no way anyone can work like this!

    keep your chin up my friend, and remember, it's always darkest before the....
    ....dawn :)
  • You are living for a day that you have no idea when it will come and forgetting about the fact that you have to survive the current one first in order to even get there.

    Just an observation.

  • I have no idea as to what is going on, it seems like things just keep going, well, down the...

    If I touch it, it is going to either be screwed up or will be soon.

    I just want to do something to feel better, but everything I try goes horribly wrong. I now just want to HIDE. Soon, maybe someone will turn the light back on at the end of the tunnel.

    I know I saw it, it was on, I swear it was???

  • My husband is darkness for me and no sympathy. I walked another block today even in this darn cold weather with my cane. I told my husband I'm going to pop in and see my Mother. I got on the bus her friend (man friend) drove me home. It felt good to visit my Mom last, year I had so much pain I barely saw her I didn't want to bring her down. Life is starting to get better with taking the antidepressant it helps too. There's always hope and like you said when you're down there's no way to go then up. I didn't even want to continue anymore until I found here. I'm starting to think of the future a little. One day at a time. Okay hang in there. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I hope you get a date soon and the light comes on at the end of the tunnel. I'm sorry that your wife isn't supportive. My husband is actually the other end; he doesn't want me to do things so he steps in and takes over. In a way it's sweet but I feel worthless, useless, and not needed at times. I talk to him about how I feel. He listens, says he needs me and so do the kids, will give me a hug, and say that everything will be better. I don't get the feeling that I can break down and cry if I need to. He doesn't know what to say or do when I get emotional.

    Hang in there! I hope you see that light again soon.
  • I don't think my wife knows how to be more supportive. She just does not get it at all. She will do anything in her power while I am recovering, but, when things drag on like this she does not have an answer so she says nothing.

    She does things like make me a basket for Easter. She cooks and does laundry etc, she does too much for the boys. I guess it may be just to much for her to add more then she already does? I don't know.

    I'm just trying to keep a minute ahead of the bad thoughts.
    Let them go bother someone else. sure could use a good day...

    I know I put one around here somewhere :D
  • I now know what time it is!!!

    Time to whine! I left work, came home early, miserable, cried till my pain meds kicked in. My wife is upset that she has too much to do. Yet she VOLUNTEERED for it ALL! Even when I keep telling her to stop she just keeps doing it! I know it is a wife/woman/overachiever thing, but she is past 50, diabetic and her husband is a mess. Yet she just keeps on saying, "oh, I'll do it". She complained about all the things that need done, yet now sits and watches TV. When I go to bed she will sit and work on paperwork till 1-2 am. Tomorrow she will be even more tired then today. Nothing I try to do to get her to stop doing things this way helps. The most she ever does is get mad at me.

    My youngest son just arrived home from Lacrosse practice and yelled at me because the Jeep he drives needs tires. I tried to say I will get to it when I can and he got mad and stormed off.

    I can actually see what motivates people to just stop trying. I go to work in misery, I hurt all day and come home desperatly hoping the evenings pain meds will actually WORK. Then I just feel more depressed...Not allowed to hurt anymore, I wish my body would listen to these people yelling at it.
  • hi i am so very sorry you are going through so much. with no readily available answers for everything. as i was reading your posts i wondered if maybe some personal or family counselling might benefit you and your family.

    maybe your wife acts as she does because she does not know how to handle the situation and your son is maybe frustrated.

    i dont know but its a suggestion and i hope things get better for you soo i really do.

    dawniee x
  • Counselling may well help. I have done many an hour in therapy, some good some bad... My wife, well, honestly I don't know that I want to get into that situation right now.
    I tried many times in the past to get her to agree to therapy, never happened. It's not her problem after all. I am the one that has suffered depression for 15 years now. I have suggested many a book I have read and thought might help her understand. She has never so much as attempted to read one, never. I pretty much have come to accept that she really does not seem to "get it". She does love me, I have no doubt of that, I can tell. She does not know how to support or prop up a depressed guy though. She does not understand my needs. Perhaps I am indeed to needy? She just operates on a level that does not get down deep into the emotional support level. If I say things like why don't you respond when I say I hurt she says, "you always complain about hurting". It always gets me nowhere, well, actually pressing the issue leaves me hurting worse. We truly can't make a person understand or have open compassion now can we? I hope to be doing better soon and perhaps my issues will change :)

    My SCS was finally approved yesterday. I am still waiting on or playing phone tag with my PMs office trying to get the surgery scheduled.

    I know my son is frustrated, mostly he is worn out from too many lacrosse practices, school and being a teenager.

    I suspect that once I am wired up and since this absolutely will work, I will be OK in a couple of months. just need to get this scheduled, live with 6 weeks of restrictions and learn how to not hurt all the time!

  • hi again,

    ok you have had depression for 15 years and i am sure your wife loves you but it is her problem to. what i mean is her response or lack of shows she is affected however remotely it appears.

    its only because i talk to my partner and the fact that she asks questions that she appreciayes that the depression and low times are part and parcel of the chronic pain issues.

    its never too late to change or try and yes maybe for you its best to get your implant sorted before any thing else so as you aren't overwhelmed by everything.

    i wish you all the best and maybe if your wife reads some of the issues raised in the forums here it may help her appreciate how hard life is for you and just how amzing you are for carrying on and not giving up.

    big hugs
    dawniee x
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