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Feeling Lost Sometimes (Long Story!)

Heff-ManHHeff-Man Posts: 12
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:30 AM in Depression and Coping

I dont know if i should be posting in here or even in this particular website its just that i feel at ease here a little and i know the members here are cool & helpful.I know this will be a long post & i thank you in advance for your patience but i just really need to get this off my chest.

Anywayz had scoliosis a few years back and it was very tough for me.In school & at home I was popular and got alot of attention from women but all the time i was filled with anger,filled with envy (of my friends) and i was very self concious!(due to my back)..not gud for my mental health.

It took 3 painful and serious invasive operations to fix my back..somehow i thought that my problems would go away but once i left hospital i felt even more depressed while i was in there.I got alot of support from friends & family dont get me wrong but its a weird feeling...kinda like when a mother gets depressed after giving birth (it just happens).I wonder did any of ye ever get that same feeling after post op no? In hospital at times i felt peaceful & calm.

Well i was doing ok eventually after everything was back to normal,back to college and doing well until last year my local priest in college one day takes me out of a lecture and tells me my older brother is very sick in hospital but then dropping the bomb by telling me hes actualy dead (which i nearly couldnt breathe when he told me,still cant when i think about it).

He died of sudden adult death syndrome in his bed in college.My brother was a big part of my life,loved him so much but never told him that enough(which is my biggest regret).Ill never forget when we had to go identify his body..lying there on a cold slab covered with a white sheet,the memory still haunts me.To die of a stupid & pointless outcome like that makes me so angry sometimes..he was only 23 & he was the nicest,most caring person in the world,why was he taken from me & my family?..i still wonder to this day.

I can just barely visit his grave at times,my parents and sister & i are heartbroken but my parents have each other and my sister has her boyfriend to lean on and i have nobody to share thoughts with.I have friends & love ones to turn to but i am terrible at expressing my feeling and opening myself up to people,i just bottle up everything...i know thats bad but i cant help it,i have gotten this far by doing it.I quess when my brother died i took up the role of being the man of the house,pulling my family up and looking after them...a bit too much id say as i forgot about my own feeling & didnt let myself grieve properly.

Ever since that day i have felt so vulnerable and distant towards people.So full of envy,sadness,low on confidence,high fatique,stress,anxiety issues,insomnia (basically every awful feeling)except never being suicidal(had two friends die from that,i know its not the way)...none of my friends have a clue that i feel this way,i quess im a pretty positive person with a gud sense of humour around them & people (just acting normal) but i feel like its more of putting up a diguise then feeling good ya know?...i feel like it can be tiring at times to be in someone elses company and to have a conversation.I cant even have relationships with women anymore cus i shut myself off & have no confidence anymore.I even try to hook up with women i dont even like just so ill feel good about myself cus i miss being in a relationship & its sad i go to desperate measures to seek it.I also lost my faith in god ever since my brothers death & alot of things in my life seem so out of place right now.

I know i nearly wrote a life story novel here and it would have probably been better to take up my issues with Oprah ha! :D but all i can say is my life is good,could be worse..just sometimes not great..have alot issues still to tackle but thats life!.Whoever got this far down to reading i thank you for listening. :-)



  • Look at the Bright Side of Things & Never Give up in your Faith in God it's very Important.
  • You need to talk to someone, maybe here is good enough. In person would be better. If you are at college you will have access to help, I have not heard of a place that does not have support for students, faculty and staff.

    Please talk to someone, you are not alone. Yes, people get depressed after surgery. Very common, the meds make you feel relaxed and dull the pain, they also cause depression. Same as alcohol.

    I once told my wife I would like to go hide from the pain.
    But, no matter where I go, there I am....

    Talk to someone.

  • Hi,
    I would like to welcome you here to Spine-health.
    I read your words twice.
    I feel sometimes it is hard to talk to people in person,
    And this place could be the next best thing.
    I'm sure there are many people that could help. maybe even I could in one way or another, you have many things going on just like many of us including me.

    I'm sorry for your very sad loss.I can not imagine how awful that would be.
    Just the other day I was thinking about my own sadness or depression and wondered if It could be somewhat like what a woman could go through after having a baby like post pardon depression. because before surgery I did not have this. I got the idea after watching General Hospital..(a soap opera).
    I have had two children but never experienced that depression and I have never been close to anyone that had gone through this. It was just what I say on G.H. (I don't know call me silly)but I thought I would let you know I also thought about it.
    I also wonder if having a long surgical procedure, maybe being put under causes something with the depression (call me silly again. just trying to figure this cruddy feeling out.
    I want you too know I will read your words and be there if just to say hi and let you know someone out there (a person you will never meet in person)can truly care about you.
    All my words I type in a reply just come from my heart, I don't usually think before I type. and Most here know I never go back a read what I have typed because I would probably never send it if I did. That's just how I am and may not be a good thing but we are all different, and that's me. Patsy
    p.m. anytime
  • While in the hospital, your safe from 'duties' and 'responsibilities' and it's easy to sit back and not worry about everyday things (unless you start worrying about when you leave and get back home...;>)

    That and the fact that no-one else is thinking about 'after..' either.

    It's once you get home and the time afterwards that you start thinking about what life was like before the impairment and hoping you can finally get back to the way things were. For many this can't be done and then it takes time to adjust - this includes depression, sadness and anger and learning to deal with it.

    But you - uh, we humans are highly adaptable...;>)

    Finding new things (hobbies, work, etc.) to do or ways to continue doing 'past' things has it's own merits and challenges, some easy, some hard. Coming to terms with new limitations takes time and can be very difficult for some to talk about and finding someone else who can actually relate to you isn't easy (unless you come here...;>)

    You have a lot on your plate and it's best to deal with things one at a time, little by little and day by day (just like housecleaning!!!)

    People are like the city of Rome, our physical and mental breakdowns weren't built up in a day but can seem to happen overnight (there's a euphemism or moral tale or contextual comparison thingy in there somewhere I think... or it's just my meds making me think i'm sounding smarter than I actually am...?).

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