I dont know if i should be posting in here or even in this particular website its just that i feel at ease here a little and i know the members here are cool & helpful.I know this will be a long post & i thank you in advance for your patience but i just really need to get this off my chest.
Anywayz had scoliosis a few years back and it was very tough for me.In school & at home I was popular and got alot of attention from women but all the time i was filled with anger,filled with envy (of my friends) and i was very self concious!(due to my back)..not gud for my mental health.
It took 3 painful and serious invasive operations to fix my back..somehow i thought that my problems would go away but once i left hospital i felt even more depressed while i was in there.I got alot of support from friends & family dont get me wrong but its a weird feeling...kinda like when a mother gets depressed after giving birth (it just happens).I wonder did any of ye ever get that same feeling after post op no? In hospital at times i felt peaceful & calm.
Well i was doing ok eventually after everything was back to normal,back to college and doing well until last year my local priest in college one day takes me out of a lecture and tells me my older brother is very sick in hospital but then dropping the bomb by telling me hes actualy dead (which i nearly couldnt breathe when he told me,still cant when i think about it).
He died of sudden adult death syndrome in his bed in college.My brother was a big part of my life,loved him so much but never told him that enough(which is my biggest regret).Ill never forget when we had to go identify his body..lying there on a cold slab covered with a white sheet,the memory still haunts me.To die of a stupid & pointless outcome like that makes me so angry sometimes..he was only 23 & he was the nicest,most caring person in the world,why was he taken from me & my family?..i still wonder to this day.
I can just barely visit his grave at times,my parents and sister & i are heartbroken but my parents have each other and my sister has her boyfriend to lean on and i have nobody to share thoughts with.I have friends & love ones to turn to but i am terrible at expressing my feeling and opening myself up to people,i just bottle up everything...i know thats bad but i cant help it,i have gotten this far by doing it.I quess when my brother died i took up the role of being the man of the house,pulling my family up and looking after them...a bit too much id say as i forgot about my own feeling & didnt let myself grieve properly.
Ever since that day i have felt so vulnerable and distant towards people.So full of envy,sadness,low on confidence,high fatique,stress,anxiety issues,insomnia (basically every awful feeling)except never being suicidal(had two friends die from that,i know its not the way)...none of my friends have a clue that i feel this way,i quess im a pretty positive person with a gud sense of humour around them & people (just acting normal) but i feel like its more of putting up a diguise then feeling good ya know?...i feel like it can be tiring at times to be in someone elses company and to have a conversation.I cant even have relationships with women anymore cus i shut myself off & have no confidence anymore.I even try to hook up with women i dont even like just so ill feel good about myself cus i miss being in a relationship & its sad i go to desperate measures to seek it.I also lost my faith in god ever since my brothers death & alot of things in my life seem so out of place right now.
I know i nearly wrote a life story novel here and it would have probably been better to take up my issues with Oprah ha!
but all i can say is my life is good,could be worse..just sometimes not great..have alot issues still to tackle but thats life!.Whoever got this far down to reading i thank you for listening. :-)