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Tired of being tired and depressed and sick and hurting

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,622
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:30 AM in Depression and Coping
Hello everyone -

I am just feeling really tired of constantly feeling tired and hurting and needing to ask for help. More than anything, I hate asking for help. My husband left this morning for six plus months in Afghanistan - and I had surgery last Wednesday for the morphine pump implant. You could say I am a bit angry that he is gone. I know he had to go, but at the same time I resent him for leaving me.

Does anyone else ever get weary of trying to make other people comprehend just exactly what it is we are going through? Is it possible for someone who has never experience this level of constant pain or been through so many medical procedures to really understand what is going on? I have been out of work for the last four weeks due to my back, and have been on FMLA. As a stroke of good luck (one could say) right after I went out my boss injured her back and had to be off work for a week. She called me to apologize for all the times she thought bad of me for when I had mentioned my back issues or had called out for the day because of them. She said she had truly never realized on any level what I must go through on a daily basis and she apologized for being so biased and ignorant. It made me feel good actually to hear her say this. I know that others offer to help me and say they are sorry I hurt so much, but I, like I am sure some of you have, have overheard their conversations about "just how bad can it be?"

I am tired of going to various medical providers and being immediately stereotyped as a drug seeker because my medical issue is back pain. I HATE THAT. I inevitably get asked if I am only there seeking drugs - especially if I have to visit the ER. I can go asking only to get an X-ray after taking a fall to make sure I have not hurt myself or my spine and REFUSE any drugs, my chart is still notated as "possible drug seeking". Why??????? Can't the medical world stop being so biased against us and simply treat us? Maybe there would be fewer of us with severe cases if they actually treated us early as patients instead of as druggies.

Overall, I am just so tired of hurting. I can't remember what it is like to not hurt when going about everyday life. I know my family and friends care and will help, but i wish they could have that level of comprehension that will be forever beyond their reach (unless they develop back issues, which I do not wish upon them).

I stumbled across this site by accident, and it is nice to see a place where I can read and see where others actually "get it". Thank you for allowing me to vent and do not think poorly of me for doing so. I guess I needed to do so to people who would truly understand where I was coming from, and not to people who would just nod sympathetically and say "I'm sorry" but not understand what I was talking about!!!

Thanks
Tina
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Comments

  • That's rough you're husband had to go to do his duty. I admire those men and women who protect us in North America. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • LizLiz Posts: 7,910
    Hi Tina

    I am glad you found this site, I too found it only by accident when researching help during a flare-up .

    We all understand the pain you are in, and having to manage without your husband makes it even harder for you.
    You will get support here and a chance to vent. The chat room is there when you feel alone and want some company, also for support and even a few laughs.

    Take care
    Liz

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • see only themselves in the mirror. Or perhaps they simply don't see others pain? I try very hard to be better at treating others more kindly. Some people just do not react to our pain. It's not theirs, they do not feel or understand it, so get over it already! I am married to a woman who does not react to any statement I make about my pain. I feel like I am waisting my breath when she mentions doing X or X or even Y. If I tell her I do not want to do that she will say why (I've been hurting for soon to be 3 years). If I explain I hurt, it feels like I have opened the door to the deep freeze.....usually silence on her part.

    We all have to decide in our relationships what we can put up with. I have no doubt she loves me, none. I guess she just missed the "Oh, I'm sorry your hurting" gene. I sometimes wonder if she will decide I'm to much work and she will just say we are done. The lack of compassion leaves the doubts creep in.

    I doubt this really helps you, other than to say!
    You are not alone...
  • Hi Tina:
    I to am new to this forum - found it by accident, but love it. Anyway I have had 4 back surgeries within the past 10 years. I just turned 40 and feel like 90! Have been dealig with a pain doctor recently and feel like he thinks I am nuts - that I should not be in pain - so here take these drugs and feel better! My husband is a great guy- but has never had a surgery and very rarely is sick! He is a tremendous help to me and the kids but truly does not understand the constant pain I am in.
    There are days I wonder why I am living and is it worth it! So tired of being sick and tired all the TIME and in pain ALL the time. Wonder what the future holds for me and everyone else out there. I feel for all of you - BACKS SUCK.
    Take care and warm thoughts to everyone.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 10,065
    ">image

    For a Spine-Health Site introduction, Click on :

    Welcome To Spine-Health

    If you have any questions, feel free to contact (PM) any one of the Moderators here Priestess , Bruce , Paulgla, DiLauro

    The Spine-Health Web site offers so much more than these Member Forums.
    Check the various tabs at the top of the Spine-Health page and you will find so much that is offered here.

    Please remember that all information you receive from members on this forum is NOT
    formal medical advise. You should always consult with your doctors.

    To get back to the Forums, you can always click on Forum Home

    Please feel free to contact me at rdilauro@gmail.com or send me a message
    ________________________________________________________________________________
    Trust me, there are probably over 70% of the people here who know exactly how you feel. Those that suffer with chronic pain do not always show it. Except for the extreme situations, many people would never know if you were in pain or not. And you get tired of answering questions from people you know, you at times can feel guilty discussing it over and over with your loved ones.
    In many ways , the life of someone in chronic pain can be a lonely life.
    This site is just one tool that is available to help you regain the confidence that you are not crazy, you are in pain and people dont see it. Here, you dont have to worry about telling someone over and over about your problem. Chances are the other person has the same thing

    Tina, I hope that you can get comfortable here and start to 'probe' asking questions, getting ideas and so much more...
    And remember here, you are not going to be judged just because you are dealing in chronic pain
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    I have to admit that I didn't understand it until it happened to me. One of my brothers has back problems, two surgeries, and they say they can't do anything else for him and he is in constant pain. I'm ashamed to say that I used to think if he'd only get out and do stuff and get some exercise he'd feel better. I also thought if he'd stop taking so much pain medicine he'd feel more like doing stuff. Guess it's pay back time now. Now I understand but I can also see how people who've never dealt with spinal issues don't get it. I hope they never do. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this without your husband. I'm sure he feels very badly for having to leave you now. I hope you have family and friends to help you cope.
  • Isn't it? I keep thinking if I cut back on the pain meds I'll feel better. Har, har, har, yeah, right, I don't make it through a day anymore... Used to be I could grit my teeth and go a few days on reduced meds. Nope, not anymore.

    I can't wait to see what my PM tells me on Thursday. I know since he does not write scripts for or manage pain meds he will not be happy... I guess it all goes back to one simple fact.

    If I did not hurt I would not be taking pain meds, nor would I be a candidate for an SCS.

    Sorry, for the thread hijack, I know return you to your regularly scheduled post...
  • It is a very hard thing dealing with the kind of pain that goes with back problems and doing it alone. My husband has not had to fully deploy in years but he has to leave all the time for 1-6 weeks at a time leaving me alone with the kids and the pain. I understand how he has to go but I also understand your place that it is hard not to be upset that he is leaving. I don't know what it is like to have Dr.s say that, I don't know what to say about it. Some people are just narrow minded and don't know understand the amount of pain. I am right there with you. I am so sick of hurting, I am tired of not being able to sleep for many reasons. I will be the first to tell you, you HAVE to sleep. A few years I went through a period of several months were I would get maybe 8-10 hours of sleep in a week. I ended up in the hospital. I was depressed and not sleeping will only make it worse. It will drive you to your wits end so make sure you do what you can to sleep. I am ne to this. I have had back problems for years but it just in the past two years became a huge deal in my life. Emotional problems however have been a problem for much longer. I am here if you ever need to talk.
  • I feel sick and tired of the pain and I can't get away from it because it's constant and I'm always reminded of it with every move I make.

    We do appreciate the sacrifices you and your husband are making everyday for the rest of us, and I can't imagine how life must be, being separated like that. It's even tougher when you have to hold down the household when you're in this condition.

    I sure hope the morphine pump will help you manage your pain. I'm going in for a pump trial and I hope it's the answer to improving my quality of life. I admit that when my husband had his back troubles, I may have rolled my eyes at one time or other not fully understanding how bad it is.

    When he blew out a disc for the first time, I was there to witness his suffering and did what I could to comfort him. I didn't know it could get that bad. Thankfully he healed in a few months without surgery, and now he works out faithfully to keep his back healthy.

    The tables turned and then it hit me when I blew two discs 3 years ago. It's been bad for everyone, not just me alone because it has changed life as we knew it. Our kids had to grow up a bit sooner and become more self reliant. Everyone had to endure my two surgeries, non recoveries, procedures, and chronic pain. No matter what I will try anything to improve my quality of life

    I'm glad you found this community, and we are more than happy to provide advice and moral support. You don't have to feel so alone anymore. Take care
  • Right before I found out that I needed back surgery, I found out that the head honcho at work was also scheduled for back surgery (his was much more complex). He is the one who has the final say about who gets fired and hired.

    I don't know if my immediate boss has any idea how much I suffered before my surgeries (now in recovery), but I am glad that he doesn't get to decide my fate at work.
  • Please help me. I can't find any information on what a Medtronic pain pump looks like after it's implanted-- Medtronic reps told me to ask doctor; doctor told me to talk to Medtronic?

    Hello,
    First, I am not some freak that likes looking at operation scars.
    I have fibromyalgia.
    I have been on disability for a few years with my illness finally making me homebound/bedbound. I am on morphine short-acting and long acting with fentanly patches, ambien to sleep and clonezepam to stop musle spasms and twitches.
    My Pain doctors suggested a pump implant, but the consulting surgeon didn't have any pictures of the operation scars, commented I was skinny, and I haven't been able to find any picutres on line.
    I keep getting promised if this works, I could get my life back, but part of my like was making some money doing acting and tv work. Nothing big-- but looks and fitting into a clothes matter.
    More important, the disease is an auto-immune disease that makes the body attack itself. I've had surgery to remove benign breast tumors, only to get scar tissue so big, my doctor thought they were tumors she removed.
    can anyone please tell me of ANY web-sites that have pictures of what the scars look like. the rep from the Implant Company promised to email me pictures TWICE and hasn't. I'm going to get a second opinion once I get approved for the operation.
    I'll have the operation even if I look like a shark bit into me cause I can't live with this pain anymore. I cry every night until the pills hit only to cry 3 hours later until I can take my next dose. My spouce is great. But fibroyalgia hurts so bad, he can't even hold me. I'm screaming in pain in an ambulance to get to the ER for a morphine shot and he can't even hold my hand cause if feel like he's breaking it.
    Last year we spent hundred of dollars on Air-condition bills we didn't have the money for because the fans felt like they were scraping my skin off. (the clonzepam helps that; and VISA!)
    If You know any web-site that have post-op pictures, please let me know.
    If you can send me any information or would be brave enough to send me pictures of your operations, I'd be forever in you debt.
    Just send me a private message and I'll send you me email-- I only have one and it has my real name.
    I understand this is personal request. But you sound like you have gone through my fear and lack of inofrmation. I promise, if I have the operation--and I'm 99% sure I'm having it) to post my Pictures everywhere on the internet so no one have to ask anyone again.
    I have a skinny body everywhere by up top-- i'm 5'2 and 95 lbs.
    I have no fat on my stomach or back-- NONE. I've can't do physicaly activity, live off twinkies, and look like I do 800 crunches a day.
    If they could hide the implant in my chest no one would notice. Until I started reading other people's accounts, I didn't even know it could be placed in your stomach Because my surgeon said it's always placed in your back.
    thank you for you help and understanding in this matter.
    thank you again,
    LadyDee
    PS:
    If I'm so sick and life's so awful, why am I this vain: Three things I'm worried about:

    1. before I was homebound, I made money off of acting and doing minor modeling. I'm worried that "if I get better enough to have my old life back" I won't be able to have my old life back. I still get calls from my agents every once in a while, but I'm too sick and tired to work.

    2. I've had bad scar tissue problems with pervious surgeries (as menioned above) and since I'm very thin (putting on weight by choice in not a option-- I've tried)-- I can feel the lumps of scar tissues pressing against my skin from those surgeries.

    Since I have a auto-immune disease (fibromyalgia) that causes pain, I'm afraid too much scar tissue or scars from the pump implant will cause nerve pain the pump won't cure. Then I'll be worse than I am now. I can't even imagine being WORSE. I don't think I could survive more pain.
    3. I can post-op pictures of every other surgery on the web. Before and after breast jobs. What pace make implants look like?
    I'm skeptical of any surgery or any thing I can't get info on and of any DOCTORS that refuse to give info. I'm a great researcher-- where are these pictures? They are all cartoon pictures of the placement of the implant? WHY is this such a secret? That scars me!!!
  • I too am tired of being tired and depressed. I can relate to so many of your issues and hate to hear of other people having to feel the way I KNOW I feel. It's not anything I would wish upon my worst enemy.
    I'm very sorry your husband had to leave you and hope that you have a good support system in his absence.

    You are not alone!!

    Lisa
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