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tragic and guilty

winkiewwinkie Posts: 174
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:30 AM in Depression and Coping
I'm sorry but thought this may help by putting my feelings on paper. Being fed-up with the world today and guilty for making my family worry about me. Surgeon told me I needed back fusion etc last Nov. but due to insurance issues am trying to be exited from the system. My employer is putting on the pressure to attend work for various special assignments, even though I have medical cert. and take quite a bit of narcotic meds. Unable to stand-up straight since May 08, severe muscle spasms, pain etc etc...
Unable to drive and find using wheelchair increases my inability to make my legs work.I wish my boss would live my life for just 1 day, then perhaps she would stop putting me in "guilt-city". My job is still very important to me and mentally if they let me go it would be just another blow.
Realised Valium is a depressant-just started them for help with constant muscle spasms with movement.
Sitting here crying, cos I can't remember what it was like to be able to stand-up straight yet alone pick-up my 2 granchildren, born since my injury.
Sorry for being so pathetic- I used to be the person who cared for others. Being powerless in a system sandwich is not nice. Thank-you for letting me be a "Whining-Winnie"


  • That's sad to hear them making you work. Are you in a union or have you talked to human resources or Occuptional health if you have one? I understand the guilt feelings of not being at work but your health is important too. Even my Boss called me at home and the Union had to straighten that out. They're not supposed to make you work. But I understand that certain Employers have no idea. We're here to support you as we understand how you're feeling. Take care of yourself. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • hi hun , winge away,how very dare they try and get you to go into work, put a block on there number! im just about to ring my work to say ive been signed off for a week , guilt feeling is awfull . as you i am the carer im the one people talk to , im the one who helps out at any hour .now i cant ....its not fair .............hope this finds you ok and not so down today jan xx
  • It sounds like it's time for you to call a few disability lawyers for a free consult.
    And I agree that all boss's should have at least one mandatory day of pain just to know what it's like...;>)

    Hmm, make it a week - make it their week of vacation...
  • Thanks for all your answers-when I'm at my "pity-party" I seem to have no logic. My boss I wrote yesterday, had on my " Fake-face", gave usual monthly up-date, didn't tell her my usual day lasts about an hour and a half before I have to take meds-than the Fuzzies begin. Don't want to really admit to myself that the wheelchair lifestyle with drugs is my reality. Can't get into my head,how to find a life with such limitations-need quite a lot of surgery-TLIF,cages,excision of right pelvis,some other thing PLIF?
    Have a lawyer but insureres are making me jump through hoops-very stressful. All to try to get surgery that frightens me to bits.If I knew where I would end-up-then I could start to accept any limitations, it's like hurry-up and wait for the beaurocrats. Jim-L, yeah maybe a week for the boss-she always has her hair "Done" each week, I get Locked-up in hairdressers chair-have resorted to chopping bits off my own to try to keep it tidy.
    Charry-I just was reassessed by lady as to my abilities at home-her report made me cry-cos I thought I had kidded her I could make her a cuppa and carry 2 cups hunched over to where she was sitting(about 5 feet)-being a good hostess!!
    Mrs Jan-UK-I was born there, now live in NZ. How do you put up with the pain for all those years-you are amazing??
    Thank-you for replying to me- I know you guys really understand but don't have to live with me. My family are so good to me-I feel like the "living-dead", they deserve more and I want to give more, like I used to.
    Thanks Paula
  • I'll second that... Though mine is good he does not truly understand. He took me on restrictions, no lifting, working overhead, 20lbs etc, Those have long since expired...

    Human resources informed that if I needed restrictions for over 3 months they had to let me go,or rewrite my position and get the Disabilities people involved.. I told my boss and his bosses that if they wanted me to I would have my doctors turn in new paperwork. They said not to! I have not, I have been at this a year now! should have been accomidated or let go last JULY! so, I don't do anything physical here any longer. My boss tells me he is waiting to see what my limitations will be once I am healed from the SCS surgery on May 4th.
    Good for my job and income, bad for my mental health! Another year spent, killing time, telling people, "i can't do that". Yeah, it all sounds so familiar.

    My boss makes snide remarks from time to time, mostly not to bad, but still there. He has forced me into working an event I have told him I am not up to, this Saturday. Part of me wants to see it all go wrong. The good worker part will try very hard not to let that happen. I hope the uncertainly will end for me sometime soon.

    I hope yours is answered also. I hope you feel better soon and please know we care!
  • where were you in the uk then ! come on spill ! /:)

    i havent been in constant bad pain the meds i was put on worked a treat for years :D now things seem to be moving on some :S ......see im so not brave! @) pain days for bosses eh ?? could the male bosses have a dose of pmt as well then !! =)) =))
  • Dear Wrambler-I really relate to your answer, thank-you. I sat here last night with my meds and contemplated taking the lot. Knew my family would be really hurt, I don't want them to suffer and they have been really supportive. Hubby arrived home from nightshift and said he knew where I was at and he was afraid.Don't want him to feel that stress. He wants to help me write letter to my boss about the reality of my life at the moment. I read "stuff" on this site and try to understand where, what and why about my and others back issues. I feel very grateful for the contact with you all -it got me through another night.
    Mrs Jan-I struggle to understand my diagnosis-"Crappy-Back" is the best way I can describe it, the big medical words are very scary. My family used to live in a little village on the Kent coast-Beltinge. I still have family around the London area. My hubby and kids are all kiwi's.
    Thank-you guy's for your replies,you helped more than you will ever know. Hugs n' Loves Paula
  • Do not even think that you can do that to your family. We can't go there! No way. They will not recover from such a loss, so don't make them try! I have been thinking such thoughts again these last few days too I must admit. Not good, I posted in chronic pain today, I just want one day. I really realize that while I can remember not hurting I can't FEEL it any more. I just don't know who that person was. I'd sure like to meet him again someday.

    Should the SCS work, will I know the guy if he comes around? I don't know, I suspect he will have to live with the tingling and buzzing of the SCS. I know I had a glimpse of "better" during the trial but this break between it and the permanent implant has been brutal.

    So, like you I have looked at the bottle of pills and thought maybe... Yet, I can't do that, I read way to much when I was younger, then when I was older and had children I was a stay at home dad with my two boys for their first 11 years. I got depressed and saw a shrink, then I read depression books. I can't forget what I read, I know the pain the people left behind feel. I know they do not forget, they do not heal or get over it. They always want the one they lost back. They often are very angry. Could you do that to them?
    I can't. I sometimes think it is not fair that I know these things. One book I read said the suicidal mind does not want to die, it only goes there when it sees no hope at all. So, give it hope, any hope, be it for the next minute, hour day! So I am pretty much doomed to stay and see this through!

    Who knows, they will someday maybe have an answer for this. I'm sticking around to see if they can help me.
    You should to!

    P.M. me anytime, some of what I say may not make sense, I don't have much else to offer though :)
  • Dear Wrambler-thank you, you make sense and your words of wisdom I relate to. Last night I thought of my family and hung onto the thought that I didn't want to hurt them or make them sad.
    I hope the SCS works well for you and May 4th rolls around quickly.You sound like a really strong character and have sussed out your vunerable levels and have an "action" plan ready in place.
    Amazing that people I feel closest to I have never met, yet the common bond and the support shared is truly immeasurable . This whole web-site and the people on it have something very special and I am so very glad I found it. Hugs n' Loves Paula
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