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Ooops I did it again...or sumpin

WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:30 AM in Depression and Coping
I think I really am slipping my gears here, my good friend Jacque says just hold on. But it is a slippery slope and I feel that I am gaining speed.

I got a severe anger management issue, I keep flying off the handle, A LOT. No physical violences just swearing and cursing and cursing and swearing. I seem to have broken my off switch, I don't suspect I will be regaining my composuir anytime soon!

Friday, stress at work, overtime, sports banquet elimination dinner then home, no stress there! I managed to not swear violently thought I maintained.

Saturday, towed my wifes boat out of storage 50 miles home, no problems yay, backing it intot he driveway sucked, then moving it over to the right space. still only got some neck spasms etc, So, all in all, OK. Noon, I go to work do the smorgasboard event at work, run the lights try and make sure it runs smooth. All is all it went well. just the normal stress of the day like thath.

Sunday, mow the lawn, tractor work out, pump up flat tire mow and wrestle with losing feelings in my arm and shoulder etc. Headaches, stress workout, but OK. Clean house for lacrosse dinner on tonight.

Monday, I get up and shower, look up and the ceiling in the bedroom is seriously wet! I investigate and find an A/C condensate line damaged. I spent 3 hours repaired replaceing that line, pulling the sopping wet insulation out and propping the plaser up to keep it from sagging. By then I just blew off the rest of work.

So I got pain, many, many issues and I think I can see little signs of stress? Lots of stress. All I see is me freaking out. I eat, sleep. drink and expell stress....

I have borderline high bloodpressure for the first time of my life, surgery in 6 days, I can't quite seem to get a handle on why I am stressed?

Oh, my shoulder HURTS too, could any of this stuff have me freaking out? I read once that it could be related?

So, I am way seriously thinking of seeing if I am a candidate for a few valium to get me calmed down before I jump of the frikkin roof. I am so incredibly freaked out. Tired, frazzled etc,

Anyone else have any thoughts on how I can reel this in till it or I calms down. If I make it to Monday I will stick the needle in my own arm to get something to calm down with !!!

I'm thinking og changing my screen name to Pansie.
Now quit that you big pansie



  • Pain and stress can and do easily combine to create the potential for anger and even rage. Since you have no apparent outlet, it may be smart to seek out some sort of help in the interim.

    I sent you a PM.

  • Actually pansies are pretty tough little flowers,and I don't know why they get such a bad reputation because they hold up during all seasons here in NC-even all winter.I don't know of any other little flowers that are that tough ;))
  • Hi! well, having surgery in six days is enough to make anyone stressed! ~X( try and do some deep breathing when you feel your anger starting to rise.. :D a valium might not be a bad idea until you get a handle on what is really the problem. good luck!! :D Jenny
  • Yes perhaps a mild sedative will help you especially when you're going to have surgery. Once you have the SCS you'll be able to fix things. Take some deep breaths and you are in control. After all you've been through and you've accomplished alot of fixing things. I would have no idea how to fix up a leak. I just call the insurance and they come over like when I had the flood in the newly finished laminate floor in the basement ruined by my leased water tank that I asked them to change because it was 16 years old. They didn't replace it and alot of things I had were ruined. You can only do so much. Hold on. Take it easy. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • i can do will make it any better so im just sending you a huge hug >:D< ...dont kick the dog,hubby did that last week and has very sore knee ;) :))(
  • I took your advice and shot my lawyer an email asking him about the media coverage of my case. It is 5:30 in the morning and I have not yet been to sleep. So many things running through my mind. I am trying desperatly to hold on to any little thing I can to keep my sanity until we can get my issues worked out. The emails we share help me more than you can possibly know. I truly wish that I could find the door in this round room that is now my home.

    I had done a lot of research over the last couple of years about the SCS. One of the things that I learned that seems to be a vital part of all of this is psychological treatment. It will not keep you from getting the SCS so do not be worried about that part of it. This whole thing is supposed to be a team effort, the team consisting of PM, PCP, Surgeon, and a Psychiatrist for dealing with the emotional problems that go along with chronic pain. Do you have a local mental health clinic? If you do and they are anything like the one here in my town they do except walk-ins the first time.

    If not for your family or yourself then please for me, check into this you will be surprised what some couseling will do for you. They will help you understand the why's and the what for's you are having problems with. They will be able to help you deal and cope and most of all understand the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. Something a lot of people fear is what others will think of them if they found out you were getting professional help. I have been in and out of counseling for the last 13 years. In my mind it is no different that going to see my PCP for a physical illness.

    I will not tell you to hang in there. But know that you venting your frustrations to me helps BOTH of us. When I read what you write it takes my mind off my problems if only for a few minutes and it does the same thing when I write you back. So please feel free to keep those emails coming. You and your emails are one of the threads I have to hold on to to help me through my days.

    Your very good friend


    P.S. I have tossed you a cyber rope. Secure your end around your waste - I have secured my end around a huge oak that can not be broken. You may feel yourself slip but trust me you WONT fall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <):) >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Fishing and sex - in that order.
    If your too tired after fishing, oh well, there's tomorrow to do more fishing and then try the sex part again...

    If your too tired for sex, take a drive to your local fishing lure store and browse the aisles, pick up a few things (this calms the nerves and releases tension) and then relax for the rest of the day because you'll need your strength for all that fishing and sex tomorrow...

    I know it's a vicious cycle but I truly believe it'll work and since you've surgery soon, you had better hurry up and get your fishing in while you can!!!!
  • I would suggest a punching bag but since you already have problems in the neck and arms that might not work. If you try it, try to visualize the person or thing that is frustrating you and let it out.

    Is there a place that you could go to and just scream and release your tension?

    I think Jim L has a great idea there. :?

    Try to hang in there. You're almost to surgery. >:D<
  • Still the same old same old. I've managed to not freak out yet.....yay! Ever sit down and read a post and not have firm handle on writing it? That's where I am now. Also, Very worn out.

    Good news is, I have talked to my PCP and he is seeing what we can do to get me through till Monday. I woke up this morning in a lot of pain. Yesterdays adventure in the attic combined with the approaching storm front has really got me hurting, like that is unusual? I have an appt at 9:05 am tomorrow and hope he has a little something to help. I don't really want to up any pain meds as I am afraid that will bite me in the behind on Monday. PCP also said he does not want to "space you out". Well, I would really like to work the rest of this week, but spaced out sounds fine about now!

    Thanks everyone for the support! I like pansies, they are tough! I must be some weak assed flower then? =))

    I'm trying to laugh, har, har....

    I don't think I have ever been here before. I am so ready to get this over with. The wait is slowly driving me nuts. oops, too late. I may regret it tomorrow but I did mention that all I thought I really needed was a few valium to help me calm down and wait this out. He mentioned amytriptiline (SP?) I know I have taken it before, but do not know how I reacted to it. I think it is what he is afraid will spce me out.

    Three more days at work, only three. Thats all I need!
    I really hope to do it without having another scream fest!

    I think I will give up now as i am having trouble getting this down.
  • You need a time out to get some badly needed rest. I'm sorry you're having a lousy time and I have to say, no more attic adventures for you. Just take it easy and try to relax to get yourself mentally ready for the SCS implantation. Can you take off work?
  • I just barely have enough time to cover the surgery and the initial recovery period. I used a day yesterday and believe me I am not planning on
    A. Mowing the grass
    B. Attic adventures

    I had planned on mowing one last time this coming Sunday before forcing my sons to do it, but at this point I realize that is a STUPID thing to do...

    Fixing the A/C, well, yesterday other than my outrage at the damage to our newly painted and carpeted bedroom's ceiling the repair went O.K. Today, I realize my rage at the whole thing blocks the pain signals pretty well. It does NOTHING for the pain the day after! I took Norco this morning and felt just barely in pain and not horrible, but not great. That Norco has worn completely off and my shoulder and assorted back parts are SCREAMING at me right now. So fixing the mess lets me come home to A/C and no repair bill. It sure does hurt though, so I am going to chalk it up as a lose, but a win....or something.

    I plan on trying to relax, as much as I can, no extra ANYTHING! less, I go BOOOOOoooooooom......
  • BOOOOOooooom is GOOD!

    See!? I told you, fishing is GOOD!
    Though if the fish police catch you using dynamite, you might be in a spot of trouble!

    You might want to tape some feathers and hooks onto the sticks and say their top water spinnerbaits...;>)
    Don't forget to paint eyes on the sides too!
  • How did your appointment go and how are you feeling?

    Whether you'll be "spaced out" or allowed to work the rest of the week... just hang in there until Monday!


  • He gave me Xanax and told me not to take it till I had time to see how it works. It's been a long time since I had Xanax so I do not remember if it will help this or not. He also suggested klonopin, but wants to wait to see how things go Monday.

    I can't pick the Xanax up till after work anyway as he calls it in. What did he expect me to to? Run over and take it, then drive back to work?

    Pain is bad, No fishing....Sorry Jim, but I do not know how I would cast or reel without making the shoulder god angry...
    Dynamite would be fun, I'd be afraid the temptation would be for me to just light it and hold it tight....I'll pass on that one! #o

    My wife has told me I am responsible for picking my son up after I go to the pharmacy and the grocery store. I have to take him home, get him food and he has to be back at school at 6:30. He drives, so that is good, but I am so worn out by all this. If she or he had just said something we could have given him money to park today and he could have taken everything in. Gone to school, got his own dinner and been back without adding stress to me.

    I am so sorely tempted to scream, I know that looks like simple, but doing it all in town traffic and it sets me back about 2 hours from going home and taking me meds, when it rains, it pours. No break for me...

    Just once it would be nice if she thought, "I wonder if he needs to be doing XXXX". We have four vehicles, three drivers and parking would have cost us $10. and saved me from driving downtown and waiting on him to be done. If I complain I will just get more stressed not less, so I guess it will be fine.
  • Hi Wrambler,

    I'm sorry to hear that you will be delayed in taking your Xanax. I hope you find relief when you take it tonight.

    I have been taking Xanax for several years and find it very helpful for my anxiety and panic attacks. Xanax calms me down rather quickly, so it truly is best for you to try it at home to see how you react. My hubby takes Xanax, on an occasional basis, to help him sleep. He is on a much
    smaller dose than I am and it knocks him out.

    When I have a lot of anxiety, I have difficulty swallowing. I've been this way for years and the attacks will sometimes come out of nowhere. Very inconvenient... especially when I would be on the phone with an employee at work! I would feel the need to run outside and get fresh air and actually have to call the person back, until my anxiety subsided and I took a pill.

    Prior to my fall, I have never been on mega doses of narcotics. When I "came to" in the hospital... oh my... I had the WORST panic attack in my life! Being pumped full of pain relievers (which cause difficulty in swallowing), wondering what the heck was going on with me and then having an oxygen mask on my face... well, all of those are not a good combination for me... lol. I had severe dry mouth on top of it all and I absolutely could not swallow. I ripped the mask off and managed to utter the word "ice" out of my mouth. It took a long time for my body to adjust to the heavy doses of narcotics and without the Xanax, I probably would have croaked.

    So, Tammy's (that's me) body gets used to the narcotics and understands what happened to her. I have the turtle shell brace on and doing as well as can be expected, 4 weeks post op. Well, one night I somehow I twisted wrong and wound up back in the hospital for 3 days. I pulled a muscle. My doctor sends me to get fitted for a neck brace, which is attached to my TSLO brace. OMG... here we go all over again. That neck brace felt so confining around my neck and I looked like something that walked out of a science fiction movie! I got the giggles really bad and then had a major panic attack. I could not move my neck from side to side... I could not look down... I could only look straight ahead. Between the feeling of having a boa constrictor wrapped around my neck and the inability to move my neck... the neck brace had to go. My doctor was fine with it, he was just hoping it would keep me from pulling any more muscles. #:S

    So, the moral of this story is... Xanax is my chill pill. I don't leave home without it. :)

    I hope you have positive results with the Xanax. Please keep us posted.


  • I'm sitting here with some d**ned storm front approaching, again! Ready to scream... I can't take anything because I have to run my son around and go shopping. I just want to pick up the phone and scream at my wife and son "do you have any idea how much this hurts?"

    No, or course they do not, or I would think they would not do it to me. I hate these pressure changes, totally unrealistic to use the human body as a barometric device! I want so much just to go home. I have had days like this before that I have indeed just left and gone home. This time I am trapped! My wife can't do it, she is teaching.

    Tammy, Your brace and neck attachment sound much like the brace the stuck on me! They called mine a minerva brace! It was a clam shell that went from my sternum to under my chin and up my back and head to top of ear level.
    I wore it for 15 weeks! No looking without turning and my wife would not let me take it off! I could not get it off by myself anyway! Oh, that thing was nasty! I am so sorry to hear you had to wear one of those! yuck!

  • You certainly are having a lousy week. Keep hanging in there... Monday will be here real soon.

    Sorry to hear you were confined to the brace, as well. I wore it a total of 3 1/2 weeks myself and was wondering if you remember how long it took you to wean yourself off of the thing? Also, how long did it take for your abdominal and back muscles to strengthen?

    I do my walking and stretching every day... even in bed, when the barometric pressure is giving me fits.
  • Yeah, right.... For me, I guess they came back fine the first time, after few surgeries and constant shoulder pain I kind of lost the will to fight on. I keep hoping and dreaming, but, so far, I keep not getting there :D

    I guess there is just not end in sight. I just got an email from Human Resources, after almost six months of SILENCE they have decided to remember I was never released from restrictions! Great, I thought I would at least get out of here and have the surgery, then worry about that. Now, I guess I will have to respond in some fashion since they can see I opened the email on the servers just by clicking a little tab.

    I intend to tell them I am having surgery and will know
    soon what my abilities will be... I hope.

    EDIT: Just got home from my travels, OMG, I think I have for some reason exceeded my previous pain levels here. I can not believe this is awful. I feel like my my back is about to explode. No real idea as to what I did to aggravate the pain gods... wow. I guess waiting to get home to take pain meds on a rainy afternoon is one BAD idea.

    Tomorrow at 4:45 I have to be at the vets to see if they can help my avatar, :( he is really hurting too :( Right now he is laying at my feet. That is unusual as he likes quiet and the tv is on. He is getting so bad he is avoiding moving at all unless absolutely needed. :(
  • It's a shame that your HR department hasn't kept up with your progress, particularly if you are on restrictions. I am really sorry to hear that. (My profession is HR and finance. I am currently on LTD until the end of the year).

    If I can give you any pointers regarding dealing with HR, let me know. Yes, you do need to inform them of your upcoming surgery. I'm sure you know the process by now of using up your accrued PTO (personal time off) and then the Short Term Disability kicks in. You never know how much time off you will need and I would take as much as you can. You don't want to over do it!!!

    I was curious about your muscles, as that's where I'm at right now. I've weaned myself off the brace, with the exception of using it for car rides and long outings. My abdominal muscles and back muscles ache and ache. I notice I'm getting a bit stronger each day, but wow... it is taking forever.
  • My biggest things at the time of the initial brace coming off were, a big old heavy head! I mean it was scary heavy! Made me real nervous, I'm sure you know this but it is very hard to beleieve till you experience a weak neck from being in such a brace! I felt like my head was going to fall off!

    My doctors told me not to worry the muscles would come abck quick and they did. They also told me to wear my miami J or a soft colar when me neck got tired. That's just a deep ache isn't it! I being a stubborn "guy" refused! I just was very careful and took my time healing and left it get better.

    Also, I had severe back cramps right inside my shoulder blades! PT's worked with TENS, and ultrasound and deep tissue massage to break up trigger points I developed. I really did pretty well.

    My main problem was my shoulder refused to stop clicking and hurting. My signature details that mess and I'm sure you will not have that problem!

    I guess I never really understood what is going on at our HR. They accepted my restrictions, then a renewal. My direct supervisor and his are fine with me as-is. They would like the "old" me, but they like me and work around the manual labor and let me stay and do paperwork and computer tasks etc, I went on the restrictions in April of last year. When I did not get released from restrictions by July they "should" have placed me either on leave or sent me to work out details of a postion rewrite with our ADA people. They did NONE of that. I did not even know these details! I learned them when I asked about what to do with my then expiring restrictions in OCTOBER! They told me they were at a convention and would get a hold of me the following week. They never contacted me! I asked my boss in front of his bosses if he wanted to contact HR as I was not going to. He said not to worry about it, we will cross that bridge when needed!

    Now some close to six months they finally remember me!
    I am pretty sure I will simply tell them I am having surgery on Monday. My restrictions will be, no lifing, bending, twisting etc from 10 days after surgery till about the 6 week point. I will then ask if I will be allowed to return at the 10 day point when my doctor releases me under restrictions or if I need to plan on being off for 6 weeks.
    For permanent restrictions, I do not know, but expect to be somewhat limited in my abilities.

    My boss has told me he wants to rewrite my job description for me and keep me. Maybe it is a mistake telling them too much? I am kind of tired of the cloud of doubt hanging over me. I would take even bad news over the question marks I now see!

    Good news, My evening dose of pain meds and the Xanax have kicked in! I do not recall my meds being this effective in a very long time! Yay! I'm exhausted from the Xanax ad general well, exhaustion, but I have a lot less pain right now! I guess many of you understand. This is so wonderful! wow....been a long time since I had a break. I'n ot pain free but much, much better.
  • Hallelujah on the Xanax working for you! Best wishes for a restful evening.

    I'm glad to hear that your boss and his direct report are aware of the HR situation. Whatever forms you need to fill out, will be given to you from either your boss or HR. I wouldn't worry. As far as your boss rewriting your job description, that sounds to be a positive. They want to keep you on board so everything should work to your benefit.

    No worries about HR anymore. Just concentrate on getting yourself up to speed after the operation. Your boss will keep in contact with you to see how you are doing and will report your progress to HR. And again, you take as much time off as you need. Don't push it!

    Best wishes to you on Monday!

    P.S. Thanks for the muscle information... appreciate the input!

  • Hang in there Wrambler. You're almost to your surgery date. Glad the Xanax helped.

    It sounds like your boss doesn't want to lose you. They can't fire you because of restrictions and such. I'm sure HR knows about that. It's awesome that your boss wants to rewrite your job description.

    Take care of yourself and try to get some rest. You'll need it with surgery being so soon. As for your family, try to calmly tell them that you cannot do everything right now. Driving all over the place in rush hour traffic is not a simple task for spineys. I'm sorry that they don't realize this without you reminding them. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. Everyone keeps telling me that I should not do things to the point that I feel useless at times. They mean well but I've always been independent and managed to do everything on my own. Pretty weird to be in this position. Doesn't feel natural. My mind wants to do things but my body won't let me.

    Hugs and prayers that you are feeling better soon.
  • I need some! Got word from Human Resources that since the SCS is a "new condition". I get to start over! Stupid huh? I was never released from the last one! Sice they are doing surgery I get to start my six month of allowed restrictions when I return to work! Right now it is expired!

    I know, don't ask, don't tell I guess :))(

    That means that I will have a full six months back on the job to discover what I can and can not do! I was concerned that I would be pressured to "know" what I was going to be able to eventually do right away!

    This is such a relief! Weather is somewhat better today too! Yay!

    Heading off to see what the vet suggests to help my avatar! He is getting old and decrepid too! :(
  • Wrambler--That's great news from HR!!! Hope the vet gives you some good news too.
  • He thinks we can buy Chewy some time. He started him on arthritis med and will schedule him in during the next week or two. They will remove some skin tags that are under his eyes and rubbing his corneas and getting bad. While he is under for that they will take thorough hip spine xrays and dignos exactly what is worn and wearing out and how much time we can keep him comfortable and active. We fully understand there will be a point we cannot keep him comfortable :( we are hoping for more time. I have been told by my wife an dkids that money is not an obstacle. Within reason of course. I would like to keep him around forever, but at some point he will be suffering and we will be keeping him around for our pleasure not his.

    I pray we have the wisdom to see and recognize that time when it arrives! Say a prayer for Chewy, he's a good boy.
  • Any man who asks for prayers for his dog,and takes him to the vet-deserves an award and some relief for himself as well >:D< .That really 'bout made me cry reading you ask for the wisdom to know when the time would be right for Chewy♥ I hope this arthritis medication helps his pain.

    Us people-we make choices..and maybe I can almost see why we have some pain..not saying it's right or anything,just the way it is.But DOGS,they don't ever do anything wrong in this world.They are such emotional servants to humans,and so undeserving of any suffering.No doubt he will love and be your friend till the end♥

    Don't you have surgery coming up on the 4th?
  • I have tears in my eyes after reading your post Wrambler. Many prayers that Chewy and you get relief from pain. Hope the meds help him. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< for both of you.

    Pain is horrible for humans and animals. Nobody should suffer every day. Now I am about to cry thinking of you and your beloved companion. Both of you need to feel better soon.

    Take care
  • I came in to work today and read your replies, now you have me crying... stop that :''(

    It's O.K. :D he will get as much time as we can give him. The vet says he will be able to see on the xrays what is going on enough to know how much time he has. The problem that will bring him down is if it is in his spine not his hips. Hips we can treat he says, spine is much more difficult.

    Like we don't know that! I hope Chewy is not a spiney!
    I really think he looks much more like a HIPPIE! =))

    Lets hope so! :SS

    The weather has actually stabilized here, crappy. but the pressure must be running even cause I finally don't hurt as bad today! My last day at work for a while!

    I should be able to get Monday's arrival time today between 2-5 pm eastern time! I hope it is not a late afternooner I hate those! I'd like to be about 9:00 am please.
  • You know I am famous for those words :D !!!!! You know you are in my prayers daily and now Chewy is included. >:D< . As far as I know everything is a go for Monday morning myself. THANK GOD. I shot my lawyer an email about 4 this morning and told him what the nurse case manager had to say yesterday. I told him it kinda "p*ssed me off" to be threatened like that. They say I have to follow doctors orders but they dont have to? WTF?????????? Oh I dont even want to get started there. Today has been calm so far so lets not stir it up.
    Keep me up on yourself and Chewy.

  • Wrambler I hope that your Monday goes great. Early surgery, quick recovery, and that it all works!!! I hope that Chewy is a Hippie too.

    I have 2 cats that are about 11 years old. I can't even pet them now because I'm allergic to them; petting them turns my skin bright red, itching, and little hives pop up within 5 minutes. I wasn't when we got them. But after having 2 babies I now have wavy hair (was straight before) and am allergic to cats and dogs. When the 2 we have now are gone, we won't have any more cats. We talked about finding another home for them now but the kids, 4 and 6 y/o, are so attached to them. So I deal with my allergies for them.

    Didn't mean to ramble on.

    Jacque--Hope everything goes well for you too.
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