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WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:31 AM in Depression and Coping
Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and delete this? Maybe not!

I had my permanent SCS surgery two days ago, everything went swell from the doctors point of view. I have to admit while they went ahead and put my ipg where I asked them not to, everything does seem to be going well.


Why am I posting here then? Well, I guess I am because I honestly feel lost right now... Sounds stupid, but there it is. I have to patiently wait while things heal, my PM has told my wife that wearing the soft cervical collar for the full six weeks significantly improves lead retention, I.E. the lead stays where it belongs! No driving, no lifting anything, not BLT, no overhead reaching, etc, etc. I knew all this coming in. I felt trapped by my condition coming into this. Options? I had bottles of pill, pain, or SCS.

What was I going to do? Turn it down? Depression seems to be my norm, so why not now! I'm two days out, allready I am bored to tears! My staples itch, my ipg posket burns unless I stay medicated. Between percocets and my other meds I don't even need to turn the SCS on!

That's actually a good thing, it is 75% charged and they asked my not to charge it till two weeks out to prevent infection/contamination. So, I just turn it on to make sure it works and use my meds for a nice warm fuzzy feeling and leave well enough alone. I know when this is over and I want to do things again, believe me I do! I know, the SCS will then become my tool! At that point I will be so happy it is in place.

I guess right now I am posting because I feel like little boy lost. Sad, I am missing that hook, connection that I would like to have. Does this make senser to anyone? Ever be two days out of surgery and be confused? I read this as I type and can only think, "the guy typing this is a dumb ass" he's two days out from the 5th surgery in a less then three year period, he has been living in almost constant chronic pain for those three years and he WONDERS why he feels lost!

You all here have been so great and I just wanted to put this out there to let people see that they are not alone!

I think I have an ANSWER! =D> yet, still the mind is bored, confused, lost. It still wonders "is this real"...
Pssssttt! hey, you! come pinch me so I will know this is real :/

I feel slightly better putting this out there. I know I will be in a continued state of confusion for some time to come. Have to get through my restrictions, then see what I can do. There are many people here who will not see the bright shiny path that is laid out in front of me...

I should be very, very happy, I am happy. I am also scared. Who knows what the new me will really be able to do?
Did I get forever, or a few weeks? months? years?

You know with these types conditions I could be wonderful for the life of the battery, change it out and go. Or, Poof, tomorrow it could all be gone and no longer working...

I'll stop now as my mind is obviously working way overtime. I think I may be well served to find myself a therapist to talk to!

My hope is that anyone else that feels this way will tell my either what their fears are or were and if they are past them, what did they do to make that journey?
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Comments

  • Wrambler, I understand what you are feeling. Before SCS implantation, you were active even with a lot of pain. You went to work and did things that you felt obligated to or just wanted to. And now, you have to lay around with a collar on and wait.

    Do you like to read? Maybe you could have somebody get you some stuff from the library. Movies to watch? Call people on the phone? Take a walk? As time moves forward, you will heal and start to feel better.

    Hang in there! We're here for any vent you might have. BTW, you are not a dumbass! You've had a lot of pain, gone through a lot, and want to feel better NOW. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Dude, you know better. You know that once you get through the initial part of the post-op things will get better for you. But I also agree that finding a therapist to talk to would be good for you. I also understand the lost feelings - you know that. I have had one session with my counselor and I actually had a good day or two but now it is back to the SOS. No motivation, no wanting to do anything. Knowing there is stuff that needs to be done but just not doing it. Trying to manage my anger. Yesterday I went into my room to raise the mini blind and one of the strings broke - I just went crazy with anger!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X( I have no idea how to control it any more. Hell, I dont even know for sure where the anger comes from. And if that isnt enough for me I have to put up with a loose but very painful wisdom tooth that is loose. I called last week to see about an appt. with the dentist and they couldnt get me in until May 26. At the time I thought I could wait but now I know differnt. I want it out NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. The mechanical pain in my arm and the tooth pain are definitely not helping my anxiety levels. Nor is doing anything to help with self-motivation.
    Sorry, this was your thread. I shouldnt have lost it here.
    Forgive me.

    Jacque
  • Please! I have read so much pain and anger here lately I honestly have been thinking of keeping one persons email addy and walking away from here! I don't think I will, but been thinking on it.

    Lady, ma'am, Jacque, Please tell your shrink your anger problems! Honest, it is ok, I got Xanax before the op for the same basic reason. I know we don't want more meds, but anger that cmes on hard and can't be turned off really needs to be treated. Make the call! Don't let it eat you up! I smashed a lot of stuff suffering from this before I got hurt. I never hit a person or living thing, but it scared the hell out of me and was like watching a lunatic from inside....

    Guess what! My shoulder decided to start hurting today! Yay, the SCS WORKS! I am still taking my pain meds, but this was one of those bad days walking all over the meds days and few beeps and buttons later and all is buzzing away! I'm pissed about the ipg placement though, very hard for me to hold and place the antenna as that is that bad arm. I finally got it right and pulled my flannel lounging pants elastic over it to hold it and got things set.

    I mentioned over on treatment that I talked legal about it again and I have a beef due to incomplete consent about the placement. I also have two years to sue from date of dicovery. I am going to try very hard to get used to it for now. If it contiues to be an issue I will force them to move it. Much as that will pain me at least it will not have the lead placement restrictions...

    For now, I am just looking forward to getting past the restrictions...

    Please Jacque you have been really good about demanding help. Don't stop now! Demand they help you with this, it's not that big a deal. well to me it is not, I have chased demons for years, we know how to do this!

    Besides if life was easy? WTF would we do with our time?!!!

    Take care, thread stealer :D
  • You will find that the placement of your ipg becomes no big deal as far as making adjustments, in no time at all. You can even just slip the antenna into the pocket of your clothes and get a good signal. No need to pull the clothes through the opening, just slip it in your waistband. I'd be willing to bet that in no time you don't even use the extension and just hold the programmer over it and manipulate the buttons by memory. You can sync it and then move it away to look at the settings and then hold it back over to make the adjustments. So it's not bad.

    Anyway I'm in a rush.

    "C"
  • Just try to take things easy. I think you're feeling a bit "off" due to coming off the anesthesia- it is common to feel this way, and even experience a bout of post op blues. I think you'll come out okay gradually as you get accustomed to your new life with this implant. Hang in there buddy..
  • I'm glad you decided to keep this post and not delete it! I always enjoy reading your posts.

    Never think that anything you write is "stupid". It's real. It's how you are feeling at the time!

    I understand feeling lost. I experienced that a few weeks after my injury. I was too heavily medicated and in excrutiating pain to realize just what had happened to me during the first couple of weeks. It took a while for me to digest and accept this drastic change in myself, but I think I have pretty much come to terms with it.
    It's going to be hard work getting myself as pain free as possible, but I am determined to beat the beast! I keep busy by setting goals for myself and have noticed a drastic change over the past week. I am finally able to get up in the morning and do some stretches. Seems like it took forever to get to this point! I have been battling with some headaches off and on, but that goes with the territory.

    This past Monday was a big day for you. I know it's going to be a struggle for you in playing the waiting game, but you can't over do it. You WILL get through this waiting period and my best wishes to you for a positive outcome! You certainly deserve it!

    Tammy
  • I think some of my biggest issues are timelines.

    When do I attempt to drop the pain meds? How fast do/can I stand to do it. I hate the process, been there done that, it can be stressfull. I know it needs done sometime in the next week or so to see what my baseline is. I can maybe stretch it out, but...

    I also need to decide on when I am comfortable returning to work. Monday, May 18 is the earliest I will consider doing that. I guess I will make the call on Thursday when the staples come out, can't wait for that. If my extended leave is approved I may just stay off till I am released from restrictions. I can't decide, I really want to get to the other side of this journey. No way to skip the trip though!


    I am on Levaquin, antibiotic, stuff is nasty! I had to move the time I take it from noon to 10:00 pm. About 2 hours after I take it I get extreme nausea. lasts about 5-6 hours, also give me the runs, yay!
    By taking it at 10:00pm with a bowl of icecream and waiting an hour till my stomach empties somewhat and taking my Ambien and going to bed I have been able to sleep through the side effects.

    Last night while I slept I got the itches, before I realized it I had peeled back my ipg bandages. I awkoe as soon as I felt the staples and stopped scratching! oopsie!

    We taped it this am and it is ok. I already have bumped my ipg into a wall. That HURTS!, it lays at my beltline just the rear of being truly on my side.

    "C", I hope your right and I get used to it and it heals up and does not prove to be any issue at all. I dread what I will have to do should it prove to not allow me to wear pants or a belt :O Might be a bit of a shocker at work :))(

    We will hope I am just paranoid!

    I do feel better today, having a bad pain day yesterday and seeing/feelign that SCS take care of it removes some of my fears about this whole process!
  • Wrambler, if you are itching from the antibiotic that could possibly mean you're having an allergic reaction. I think you should call the dr and ask them about it. A different one might not make you itch. And wouldn't it be great if you could eliminate one irritating thing...... >:D< Hang in there. I know it's tough to be patient. I know I'm not. But pain and healing kind of forces us into that position.
  • I know, but its very mild for the most part and I only have 3 left. I don't want to change it out...

  • Are you sure it wasn't the bandages and staples that bumped into the wall? I know that even that small amount sticking out can throw off a lifetime of judging distance when walking by something.

    You say your IPG is more to the side then the back?

    I can guarantee that once you get those staples out, you will feel soooooo much better!

    "C"
  • It could be bandages initiated the impact! Still hurt, padding and all!

    Yes, and no, the ipg would sit at about the mid point between back and side.

    I an counting on things to improve once the staples come out! The ones on my back are itching like crazy! The ipg ones itch from time to time.

    Things are getting better now, day by day...
  • Not to worry my friend, I vented some of my anger to a friend of mine and that helped. My counselor also works as a team psychologist for the KC Royals and he left town on Thursday to go with the team. But I have an appointment with him in the morning and I will definitely address these issues with him. I know it will all work out eventually it is just that patience is not one of my strongest virtues.

    Again, I apologize for stealing your thread earlier >:D< - I momentarily was out of my mind - LOL.

    I will keep you posted on how things are going with me. And dont worry I will hang in there.

    Your faavorite thread thief :D

    Jacque
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