Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and delete this? Maybe not!
I had my permanent SCS surgery two days ago, everything went swell from the doctors point of view. I have to admit while they went ahead and put my ipg where I asked them not to, everything does seem to be going well.
Why am I posting here then? Well, I guess I am because I honestly feel lost right now... Sounds stupid, but there it is. I have to patiently wait while things heal, my PM has told my wife that wearing the soft cervical collar for the full six weeks significantly improves lead retention, I.E. the lead stays where it belongs! No driving, no lifting anything, not BLT, no overhead reaching, etc, etc. I knew all this coming in. I felt trapped by my condition coming into this. Options? I had bottles of pill, pain, or SCS.
What was I going to do? Turn it down? Depression seems to be my norm, so why not now! I'm two days out, allready I am bored to tears! My staples itch, my ipg posket burns unless I stay medicated. Between percocets and my other meds I don't even need to turn the SCS on!
That's actually a good thing, it is 75% charged and they asked my not to charge it till two weeks out to prevent infection/contamination. So, I just turn it on to make sure it works and use my meds for a nice warm fuzzy feeling and leave well enough alone. I know when this is over and I want to do things again, believe me I do! I know, the SCS will then become my tool! At that point I will be so happy it is in place.
I guess right now I am posting because I feel like little boy lost. Sad, I am missing that hook, connection that I would like to have. Does this make senser to anyone? Ever be two days out of surgery and be confused? I read this as I type and can only think, "the guy typing this is a dumb ass" he's two days out from the 5th surgery in a less then three year period, he has been living in almost constant chronic pain for those three years and he WONDERS why he feels lost!
You all here have been so great and I just wanted to put this out there to let people see that they are not alone!
I think I have an ANSWER! =D> yet, still the mind is bored, confused, lost. It still wonders "is this real"...
Pssssttt! hey, you! come pinch me so I will know this is real
I feel slightly better putting this out there. I know I will be in a continued state of confusion for some time to come. Have to get through my restrictions, then see what I can do. There are many people here who will not see the bright shiny path that is laid out in front of me...
I should be very, very happy, I am happy. I am also scared. Who knows what the new me will really be able to do?
Did I get forever, or a few weeks? months? years?
You know with these types conditions I could be wonderful for the life of the battery, change it out and go. Or, Poof, tomorrow it could all be gone and no longer working...
I'll stop now as my mind is obviously working way overtime. I think I may be well served to find myself a therapist to talk to!
My hope is that anyone else that feels this way will tell my either what their fears are or were and if they are past them, what did they do to make that journey?