Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Fellow chronic pain sufferer commited suicide today.

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:31 AM in Depression and Coping
I am so pissed!! She wasn't even a *very* close friend more like an acquaintence but kinda related to me. She had some lumbar disc problems for about 12 years. She had been on all the meds, had surgeries, and was is therapy for depression.

Yes, she left notes. One to her mother, one to her ex-husband, and one to her 13 y/o daughter. They said all the usual stuff. Yes, she was in lots of pain. But so are all of us!!

She bought a gun last Friday. She had to wait until Sunday to pick it up. This morning between 2am n 10:30am she shot herself in her right temple while she was in bed.

Her 13 y/o daughter was downstairs asleep and never even heard the shot. The daughter discovered her at 10:30am. The daughter said my mom is bleeding from her mouth and she didn't think she was breathing. She was instructed to call the police.

Her poor daughter is in tremendous shock. She has not even displayed any emotions of her mother's death. All she asked was if she could clean up her mom and her bedroom because it was a mess.

I am so mad that she gave up. That she was so selfish to do this to her daughter.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to let it out.




  • That's very sad really. I agree with Mrs. P that she was not in the right state of mind when doing such a deed. Condolences to you and her family. Take care now. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Hiya >:D< >:D< That is so sad :''( I personaly dont think she was selfish :? , i just think it was a desperate cry for help :( , and she needed someone to hear her crys as she must have been in a desperate state of mind O:) . My thoughts and prayers are with her daughter and her family >:D<

    Angie xx >:D<
  • hi camille
    such a sad sad story but you must remember people that take their own lives are not in a healty mental state when they do this.as you said she suffered from chronic pain it is a sad state that she was in to even contemplated this ESPECIALLY having a 13yr old daughter.
    to me the system failied to notice she needed support here.
    i hope her daughter has a strong bond with her father as she will need him so much in the near furture and he to will need his daughter to lean on.
    my thoughts and prayers are with them both as they will need this through these coming months.
    god bless them all.

    LOVE P
  • i understand the thoughts and the pain involved in that level of depression that can lead to suicide.

    what you may view as selfish of her to leave her family, she may have felt that finally she is relieving them of a burden, that they will be better off without her.
    -i keep getting denied ssdi/ssi benefits now, but if i die, my children will recieve survivors benefits. and finally have less finacial worries as no child should have to worry about money.

    but at the end of the day, NO MATTER WHAT! i find that it is remembering how i felt growing up without my mom, and knowing that i CANNOT do that to my children that keeps me going!

    life like this is pretty unbearable, and death becomes so inviting...i understand why some just give up.
  • I have posted my thoughts on suicide here before. It is just such a crime, I won't even go into detail as to how people get "there". The job that is left behind is to make sure the daughter and survivors heal as best they can.

    I can not even fathom how she could leave her body shot and bleeding to be found by her daughter. That is who needs help now, I suspect she is in shock. I hope she is strong and can get past it and realize that her mothers choice does not reflect a failing on her (the daughters) part. It is rather a failure in the mom and her caregivers to get/give the needed treatment.

    I can not stress to highly that a suicidal mind only needs to see another option. Only one need be presented as none of us truly wants to die. That choice is made when we see nothing else left. That option can be as simple as an afternoon watching birds on the porch, or as complex as many sessions of therapy. The thing to do is live for the next minute and the minute after that, and after that, etc,

    is there really another option? I would never choose to leave that behind me, on the shoulders of my family.

    I'll pray that the daughter not spend her life trying to undo this or repeat it. A child should not be left to think that she could have known or stopped this.
  • I'm very sad to hear this. My sister shot herself and her two cats 7 years ago and like you, I was so full of anger that I couldn't stand to see pictures of her or her things. It's only recently that the anger is starting to subside.

    The one thing I learned in my journey through suicide survival is that there is NEVER just one thing that makes someone commit suicide - it's a culmination of many things, many of which we'll never see or know.

    My prayers are with her family.
  • This is such a heart breaking tragedy. I feel so bad that this person couldn't stand another day to live with her pain and chose to end her life. My heart breaks for her daughter who found her body, and she will never recover from seeing her that way. I pray that one day she will be able to live her life next to normal and have the strength to cope. Camille, is this someone we all knew of? I know another member that was very suicidal a few months ago and we never heard back from the person. I hope this would never happen, this is so sad.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    Living in chronic pain for a long period of time can cause many different emotions.
    I dont want to sound cold, but taking your own life is the coward's way out. Sure, the person taking their own life, its a short quick action, but its all the ones that they leave behind have it so difficult.
    God knows how her 13year old daughter will deal with this now and for years.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • First, I want to just thank EVERYONE who responded for their prayers and understanding. I too think this is the act of a wimp! Especially for a mother!

    No, this wasn't a person on this site. She didn't believe in this type of *help* only working with her therapist which she has been seeing for over 9 years. I guess that didn't help much either!

    She is the ex-wife of my sister's current husband (they have been married for 2 years) (he and this wife have been divorced for 10 years). He had visitation every other weekend and two weeks for vacations each year. And that kid was always there every other weekend and was treated as part of my family from day 1.

    Today I got to read all the letters she left. I thought maybe looking at the words and handwriting I could sorta see more into what happened. Well, what a shock to read the first line of the ex-husband's letter...it read "If Briana (the 13 y/o daughter) is still alive, consider yourself very lucky".

    OMG, I almost puked when I read that! Now I am even more mad. I wish the shot didn't kill her and she was a freakin vegetable! That's what she deserves!

    The daughter has finally acknowledged that her mother is dead. She hasn't cryed or shone any emotion still. She only asked what she should tell her friends when they ask how she died. Then she asked if we (me or my sister) have ever seen a person right after they died. She wanted to know if this "vision" will ever go away.

    This woman had a very good job, a brand new car (didn't even get her personalized plates from DMV yet), a condo, some money in the bank, lots of friends, got 2 free weekends to do whatever she wanted each month, and of course her daughter. See how selfish she was!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks again everyone!

    Camille - who agrees that the extra mile is the ONLY one that counts!

  • That poor young girl, hopefully she can emerge from this tragedy without being permanently affected.
    Personally I have been close to suicide and it was this site and the people here who helped me to try to change. The reality of hurting my family gave me a way to start to move forwards. I'm so very sorry for that young girl but glad to hear she has people around her who will love her and support her and help her to get through this terrible time.
    Hugs n' Love
  • Camille,
    So sorry for you having to be part of such a tragic situation.And also shocked that you would call this woman names.Lonliness.pain,and depression are debilitating conditions for some people.Their mindset is not like a "normal"individual's.I have personally found myself in a room filled with friends and family and yet I felt completely alone.I have always had a nice car,house,and money in the bank,and yet have had a persistent ache in my chest,due to deep emotional pain and depression.My dad shot himself when I was 2 years old...and even though I did not even know him, I would be hurt beyond words if anyone called him names.Help Brianna ,if you can,she will need to hear good,kind words about her mother.She will need to be educated on her mom's pain,and depression in order to come to some sort of understanding, and forgiveness.
    How very sad...I am so sorry for her. Sagehen
  • Hi Camille,

    My heart goes out to this poor soul and everyone that she left behind.

    A person who contemplates suicide usually doesn't see any other options. Period. Even knowing the pain that she would cause to others by taking her own life probably didn't compare to the desperation, misery and sense of despair that she was feeling. Whether or not she was emotionally balanced to begin with is hard to tell. Sometimes pain can change people to such a degree that even they don't recognize themselves.

    In the past, I have also wanted to die sometimes, but instead of physically taking my own life, I prayed that God, in His wisdom, would end my suffering. But each day that I would pray for a natural death, a little voice would say, "Karen, just get through this one day. Don't worry about tomorrow." Another saying that has always stayed with me while I was dealing with my drug-addicted son was "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle."

    I believe that some people are just stronger than others and everyone copes (or doesn't cope) in different ways. None of us can really get inside someone else's head, so we are left with our own assumptions and attempts at rationalizing the 'whys' to make it more acceptable to us--to be able to wrap our heads around the whole horrifying situation.

    Camille, I must commend you for sharing this with us. It certainly causes one to think very hard about life in general and what we are really here for. Perhaps some of us are here to teach the rest of us valuable lessons.

    My thoughts and prayers go out to her daughter. I hope that she is receiving intensive counselling and that some day she will be able to forgive her mother and think of her with love and compassion instead of only grief, anger, and perhaps even guilt for not being able to help.

    Love and prayers to you and your family,


  • when you have tried everything and it all has failed, you really do want to die. I'm sure if she knew how her daughter would find her, she would have found another way. If it were me, I just down pills, why have a mess?

    There are days I would like to take a gun to my head because the pain is so unbearable. I don't only have cervical. I have low back as well. It's not fun.

    I live to get better!

    I live for my children!

    I live for all the children I inspire in my career!

    I just read your last post and she was truly a sick woman. Thank God her daughter will be all right. To imply that you would hurt your own child is insane. She really did need help!!! If I'm not mistaken, your sister will have her work cut out for her. Why didn't this women do it when the child wasn't home??????? So very sad!!!!!

  • I had a brother who shot himself when he was 23. I wasn't surprised when the knock at the door came and I knew immediately what had happened before I was told. There had been many prior attempts. He tried getting mental help. I begged him to hold on and that I loved him. I knew his pain but was unable to help. I was angry at first because that is normal grieving. But I understood. I wish he could have found what it was that would make him want to live. I myself have had attempts through out the years and have got through it. I am so sorry for the daughter and I truly wished that mom would not have put her in the position she did. Some people can't understand the emptiness and despair one goes through when a person is in such a mental state. It is a very hard thing to fight through. It doesn't matter how much you are loved or how much you love others, you just can't rid yourself of your desparity. I fight the fight. Yes maybe it is cowardness but not all people can fight the feelings away. Besides going through all this cronic pain and not having the quality of life I had, I now have lost my job because I have not been able to return after my surgery in Oct. I don't mind the loss of income, it is the loss of our medical coverage that I carried for my family. Besides my issues my spouse has heart issues. I know the Lord supposedly doesn't give you more than you can handle but my back is breaking here. I honestly can't handle much more. It would be so easy to say goodbye cruel world but I work through it the best I can. I hope that you are able to forgive because it is a deep dark place to be and not all people can handle it. As for me I keep plugging along because it's got to get better at sometime. I choose to fight for life. God Bless.
  • I am a fighter by nature. I tell children that the word Can't is not in my dictionary! :) I can beat this, and I finished my last course in agony! My family didn't even know because I would get in my car and cry from the pain. My hand would be numb and throbbing from writing and recovering from not only pain in my neck but from carpal tunnel surgery.

    I just find that some days are really hard and I just wish the pain would go away, so I keep looking for solutions and use heat, ice, pain killers and crankiness to get me through the day. :)
  • I could never do that to my family. I would never do such a thing to devastate the lives of my children and scar them for life. I do not wish to leave that kind of legacy behind. This precious life is not mine to take away. These are my true feelings about this.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    Sure, so many of us suffer from chronic pain... But , it is not the end of the world!.
    We can talk, we can eat, we can see, we can do so many things that others can not and will never been able to do.
    I fully understand that there are times when we are down and feel depressed, but never, not ever, no way , no how, should that cloud our minds to thinking that ending our lives in any way, peaceful or violently solves anything!
    When things are tough, those that are strong will find ways to handle anything. It is so much easier just to cash in and say, "I give up"
    No body, none one on this site should think in those terms.
    Instead, think about the ways that things will get better

    Its easy to die
    It is much harder to live

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I see it from both sides. I realize that hopelessness can overwhelm the human being into making horrible decisions. I speak with a bit of experience(I'll leave it at that). Your words are supportive as always Ron, and that's great. In the final line of your post, I just personally replace the word harder with braver. Life at times requires tremendous courage. Those that can push trough always have my utmost respect and admiration. They also act as role models for the rest of us.
    I'm not by any stretch religious, but I do pray.
    I'll have her daughter in my prayers. This poor girl now walks into a frightening unknown.

    I'll also pray for the deceased. What a tragedy.

  • I can't believe it has only been 4 days. It feels like 4 weeks have passed. I am exhausted just helping my sister out with her 3 girls plus her step-daughter. I bring my daughter over to their house with me to "help out."

    I mentioned what she had going for her because in my own weird rationality I can't fathom someone doing this who wasn't at "rock bottom". I guess I just see it from the positive side of things - that she had so much going for her. So many people don't have nothing and just keep chugging away.

    I too have felt all alone in a room full of people and that was before all this pain stuff.

    Today, being Mother's Day was sort of awkard but Briana (the daughter) insisted we go ahead with our plans (brunch with our parents and all the kids and then an afternoon BBQ and swimming).

    Briana has been in counseling since Friday. I do medical transcribing and one of my clients made the appointment for her with his therapist. That is where she read the letter her mother left her for the first time. She goes again tomorrow at 9:15 am.

    I just can't and probably never will forgive her for putting her daughter through discovering her body or contemplating killing her. I really don't even care that she is dead at this point.

    Everyone has problems, daily issues, and intense struggles. That doesn't give anyone the right to intentionally harm their children - mentally or physically!

  • :? Who agrees or disagrees with this:- When you have sufered chronic pain for a long time regardless of the loving family and all the nice material things we have around us, who has had this passing thought of suicide, if your honest? xx


    Camille >:D< >:D< i am here for you if you need to talk, and my heart goes out to that young girl who has to live with this for the rst of her life, my houghts and prayers are with you xx
  • Camille >:D< >:D< I can feel your anger and hurt >:D< , and i am so sorry for you >:D< :? But please dont let Briana see your hurt and anger keep an open mind for her O:) , this will help her let go ~X( , as she obviously loved her mother because she cared for her >:D< , and if she sees the hurt an anger she may think its wrong to love her mother even though she has done what shes done :? When she does let go , her emotions will be mixed :''( she will go through 3 stages, ANGER, BLAME, GRIEF >:D<

    Angie xx >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • I have had this passing thought myself, but the thought of leaving my daughter and how it would affect her stopped me.I have to agree it is an illness , its a deep depression and a dark, dark place to be, and when you reach that level its not so much of who you leave behind, its the thought of relieving the burden of your loved ones. This has also played on my mind and my prayers are also with the family x

    Angie :( >:D<
  • I will start a separate thread about this x

    angie x
  • ill be the first to hold my hands up i have had this though manys and manys a time.
    but then the thought off leaving my children with no mother is hard to bare.
    but we must remember that this is an illness and when people actually do take their own lives they cannot see a way forward and really our prayers should also be with them.
    this has been a very intresting thread to follow with so many different opinions and good for you angie for asking this question it is nice to be open and honest with each other.
    i have been thinking about this poor family since i first read the post god bless them and all families who have had to deal with suicide.

    LOVE P
  • My grandmother committed suicide during a war. Her decision to end her life had/has affected many people in our family. As I grow older, I am a lot more sympathetic towards her and sorry that she felt like she had no choice but to die.

    I am a bit upset with the strong, judgmental words expressed here by others. I think it would be respectful to refrain from calling names or labeling this mother (mentioned here). While most of us believe that suicide is not the answer to our problems, clearly this mother/woman did not have a "healthy" mental state to see the whole picture.

    God bless her daughter.

    And Camille, please be careful not to show your anger towards the mother of this child when she(daughter) is present. (as Sagehen also mentioned) I assume that you are already doing so. The girl is probably angry too, but misses and loves her mother as well.
  • I am very sorry if anyway I have expressed myself was off-key. But I am sorta taken off guard with all of this. I do not mean to offend anyone. I am just saying what I feel. I am so thankful there is somewhere to do that with people who understand.

    Briana and I have been pals since my sister started seriously dating her husband and introduced us to her. But I am also her Aunt. Well, step-aunt but I treat all the kids that same.

    She will never know how I feel. I let her lead the conversation and go from there. Today, we were talking about her books while I was helping her put them away in her room at my sister's house. It was the usual type of conversation. We were even joking around about stuff like normal.

    Later, when I was helping her separate her clothes for the laundry, she came across the shorts and tank top (PJs) she had on that morning and she whipped them down on the floor. She said "those are the clothes I had on". Nothing more about when or what. I just calmly asked if she wanted them washed, saved, or thrown out. She said she didn't know. So, I picked them up and put them back in the laundry bag. Then we just went on.

    I am just worried. I don't know if how she is acting is good, or normal, or whatever!

    Thanks for listening again. And please don't take offense, I am just expressing MY feelings. And don't dare do this. I will give anyone my personal e-mail, phone number, anything and listen whole-heartedly if you are anyway near this point!


  • >:D< I have to admire you as this is a difficult time for everyone >:D< Just keep a close eye and continue to do as you are doing :? , you seem to be doing great O:) . Keep posting, stay strong >:D< , and you are in my thoughts and prayers >:D< .

    Angie xx
  • hi i am so sorry to hear tragic, i am seeking help for my depression single parent of a 16 yr old ... its hard no- one what pain we r going through i had 2 back surgeries one in 2006 now jan 09, i have to accept this is life changing for me the pain is getting bad again.. especially in my groin!! i fight everyday and try to stay active but also very depressed!1 i see a therapist every week and it held sum of the nmeds i believe get u depressed!!i lost my mother when i was 9 i cannot do that to my children in eed them as much as they need me!!1 i have been through so much but i still love life!!1

    my heart goes out to the lil girl who lost her mom and for her to find her mom that way i went through this second surgery thinking i will come out like wonderwomam.. not even the pain is backkk worse or is this still recovery who knows i sit and cry and if i get really disturbed i call my therapist!! but it suxxx not to know what u want anymore because of this life changing experience that we all go through
  • I know all too well about the feelings of wanting to leave this world. I have had far too many of them. I have never ever wanted to have anyone find me if I did ever take my life. You see, I have severe depression. It isn't just depression, I am bipolar. Some people that have no clue at all what depression is really like, and how could they if they have never felt it? It is the darkest, coldest, scariest place to be when you are at the point that you want to take your life.
    I feel so bad for this little girl to have went through this. I am about 50/50 with the mom doing that in her home only to know that her child would find her. That is one thing I never wanted, I never wanted my children to ever see me dead. This girl needs all the help that she can get, lots of love, support and counsel. This is a hard age to deal with life alone.
    I think that this mother felt that there was nothing more that she could do. She might have thought of taking her daughter with her just to continue to be with her. I don't know about some of you, but when you feel the despair of pure depression, it litteraly hurts your body. I have been through a lot, have been hospitalized after the birth of my last child. It took up until 2 years ago to get a diagnosis for me. I can go on and on, but this is really truely a hard topic for a lot of people. We all have our own thoughts on this, we are all human. God bless that little girl.
  • Your niece is blessed to have you as an aunt. It is obvious that you love her very much. I knew a teenager who woke up one morning and found his father dead from a massive heart attack. He didn't show any emotion either for a very long time. It sounds like Briana needs time, support, and endless love right now. The therapist can help her but she will also need her family and friends during this horribly difficult time.

    I would be angry at her mother as well. If she saw no other way out then she should've gone some place that her daughter would not be the one to find her. And to put that line in the father's note about him being lucky if Briana is still alive............that just sickens me. I pray the daughter never sees that note.

    Many prayers for all of you as you all deal with this.

    I will honestly say that no matter how bad I have felt, physically or emotionally, I have not thought about suicide. My kids don't deserve a mother in constant pain but more importantly they deserve to have their mother. I can't run around with them but I sure can hug, snuggle, cheer, read, etc. And if I ever found myself wanting to end it all, I would not threaten to hurt my children because they are my heart and soul. I sure as heck wouldn't do it where they would find me. I need to stop. I'm getting angry...........
Sign In or Register to comment.