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low low low

johnnyjjohnny Posts: 35
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:32 AM in Depression and Coping

hello everyone.

wow. i'm having a really hard day.




i hurt my back about two years ago, & between the medical system & the pain i'm going crazy.

lately i've been getting more & more breakthrough pain & i have an appointment on tues with my pain specialist but the last couple of weeks have been really awful. tonight is particularly bad &...depression has been an issue for me my whole life but i'm just having a really hard time coming to terms with this change in my life. & the day to day coping with pain is SO. HARD. i'm crying now--i'm just so tired of dealing with things. so tired of toughing it out, fighting, of being confident with the doctor & getting blown off by specialists & having files lost by my gp &...all of it. i'm just so tired of all of it.

i'm worried about my mental state. there. i said it. finally. i just feel so broke down. it's hard to even get out of bed these days. work is a distant memory. i worry--i'm 46 & i wonder how i'm going to make it to 50. it scares me when i start thinking like this. it's just a particularly bad night--don't worry that i'd take my life, i have many steps i'd take to ensure that doesn't happen--but i'm just...tired. i'm so tired. there's no improvement. no real answer about what's wrong. i just got blown off for a discogram i've been waiting since october for...& my back hurts. i've got the ice on my back & it just hurts so much.

i'm a young 46 & used to be the healthiest girl in the room--landscaper, vegetarian, non-smoker, the whole works--& now i'm not even in the room because i'm at home in bed trying to find a slightly less painful position. which, by the way, doesn't exist.

it would really help to hear from anyone who can be non-judgemental. i'm just feeling really beat down & depressed & exhausted & scared. really really scared about what my future holds.

& if no one responds, that's ok too. it just really helps to be honest & write somewhere about how bad it is. & to start grieving for what i've lost with this injury.



  • I do not think you will find anyone judgemental here! Well, maybe, about some things but not about depression.

    Been there, done that, got the life membership card and everything! yay me!

    The best thing you can do for yourself is make sure you have let your doctors know where you are right now as far as you mental state. Be careful with yourself, you say you have steps in place should you feel worse, good. Never forget, People do care!

    Hope you feel better soon.
  • It is hard to live with pain and uncertainty, and with the medical system treating you like your pain and troubles are not their concerns. I feel for you. I had to beg doctors' staff to see me when I was in acute pain but that didn't phase them-they are harden to the plight of people in pain. Naturally I am generalizing, but it seems very common. I got relief from a kind chiropractor. I was in tears too, and even though she did not help the pain immediately (I needed and finally did get surgery) at least she listened and tried to make me feel better. It really makes a difference when someone will listen and knowledge your pain.

    I am doing that right now for you. I know you are in pain and suffering-most of us can relate in one way or another. There are the very difficult days and nights, but there is usually resolution in the end. 2 years is long-but I know some people who have suffered even longer (especially if they are young and the doctors just won't believe it's their spine).

    I don't know what your spine issues are, but keep looking for the right doctor to help you-someone out there is the right doctor for you. You have to believe that-and sometimes it does take a few years to find him/her. But I know you mainly want hope, and there is hope. New procedures are being done every month, and new meds and new techniques for pain control are being developed as we speak. You must have faith that things will get better-the pain is HORRIBLE, I know that, but you will have better days and you will get better in time. Make your health your number one priority and never give up hope that you will find relief, no matter how long it takes.

    I hope you fell better knowing people care about you. Not much we can do to help, but we do understand a little bit about what you are going through. We cannot feel your pain, but many of us have felt the same dispair and fear for the future. It is a sickening feeling and scary. It is a common feeling to those of us with chronic and debilitating pain. You can't help feeling the way you do because the stress hormones in your body make you feel that way. But count the small blessings in your life and take heart in them. When I was laid up in pain, I could still marvel at the beautiful sunrises which I never see since I usually sleep in late. I ordered comedies from Netflix and watched them-laugther is good medicine-sometimes I even forgot the pain.

    I hope you feel better-please keep writing and sharing on the board. A take on an old saying is, "a pain shared is a pain halved."
  • turtle:

    you hit it on the head--i need to make my health my number one concern. not realizing that is how my back got xxxx up in the first place. i just didn't know. & now i do. & it's still hard to put it first--love gets in the way, or finances, or shopping, or going out for a beer, or avoiding being bored & spending too much time online...

    thanks for your thoughts. you're right--there's lots of research being done, & i don't know what's ahead. what if i get worse...but what if i get better? what if i find a better doctor? what if i --yeah. what if i live to be 90? :) chronic pain or not. maybe i have a long time left.

    thanks so much for writing. it's a real relief to read your words. i'm lucky--i'm very loved & have funny & beautiful people around me. it's just--they don't get it. & i'm so scared that i'll become more debilitated & not be able to maintain those relationships. as it is, i spend so much more time at home alone. anyway...

    pain shared is pain halved. i love that. thanks again.

    Post edited to remove profanity...Violation of forum rules which member signed up to adhere to. Next time, member will not be allowed to post.

    Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health Administrator 06/14/09
  • We get it.....unfortunately. You and I are almost the same age- the age when we should be out enjoying our hard earned lives and I, like you, spend way too much time in pain wondering if this is all there is.

    I've been around these boards a long time now and I can tell you that you'll not find a more caring and compassionate crowd. The "other" friends we have try, they really do, but they simply can't know what it's like to live this life. The beautiful thing is that they try and we just can't ask for more than that.

    Staying postive is key here, as hard as it is sometimes. The bad days suck, really,really suck, but the good days can be more appreciated now because I feel them much more deeply now. Throughout this journey I'm finding things to do to adjust, adapt and learn how to beat this thing rather than allow it to beat me. You up for a good fight?

    PM me if you need to talk. I'm always available and have a good ear. You always have a friend here Lady.


  • wrambler, griff:

    thanks for replying. it's going to be a long day so i won't be able to sit here at the computer for long, but thankyou so much for replying. i'm feeling better emotionally, mentally, spiritually this morning, even though the pain is the same. i also know that when the pain is reduced--hopefully my appointment on tues will resolve the 24 hour breakthrough pain issue i'm coping with right now--i know that as soon as i get relief from the pain, my spirits will naturally lift. i know this crisis is due to the intense pain i'm in right now.

    & griff, i'm not a person to fight, but there are lots of other ways to beat an opponent. maybe i'll think of it like a poker game with pain, & think of all the ways I can trick & deceive & bluff & intimidate & win. win. win win. just reaching out is winning. being gentle with myself is winning. calling friends is winning. i'm going to have to really think about how to handle despair & depression, though, because although i'm feeling better spiritually this morning, i know it'll happen again. anyway, thankyou so much for extending a hand back, both of you.

    i'm going to take it easy on myself & call a couple of friends today & linger over the taste of the coffee & try to do a bit of writing. thanks everyone for helping to get me here from where i was last night. i really appreciate it, & i hope i can do the same for someone else some dday. i'll be back here i'm sure, at some point in the future, but for now i can move from the despair & depression forum back to the condition forum or the other methods of treatment forum or the medication forum. thanks for the help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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