wow. i'm having a really hard day.
i hurt my back about two years ago, & between the medical system & the pain i'm going crazy.
lately i've been getting more & more breakthrough pain & i have an appointment on tues with my pain specialist but the last couple of weeks have been really awful. tonight is particularly bad &...depression has been an issue for me my whole life but i'm just having a really hard time coming to terms with this change in my life. & the day to day coping with pain is SO. HARD. i'm crying now--i'm just so tired of dealing with things. so tired of toughing it out, fighting, of being confident with the doctor & getting blown off by specialists & having files lost by my gp &...all of it. i'm just so tired of all of it.
i'm worried about my mental state. there. i said it. finally. i just feel so broke down. it's hard to even get out of bed these days. work is a distant memory. i worry--i'm 46 & i wonder how i'm going to make it to 50. it scares me when i start thinking like this. it's just a particularly bad night--don't worry that i'd take my life, i have many steps i'd take to ensure that doesn't happen--but i'm just...tired. i'm so tired. there's no improvement. no real answer about what's wrong. i just got blown off for a discogram i've been waiting since october for...& my back hurts. i've got the ice on my back & it just hurts so much.
i'm a young 46 & used to be the healthiest girl in the room--landscaper, vegetarian, non-smoker, the whole works--& now i'm not even in the room because i'm at home in bed trying to find a slightly less painful position. which, by the way, doesn't exist.
it would really help to hear from anyone who can be non-judgemental. i'm just feeling really beat down & depressed & exhausted & scared. really really scared about what my future holds.
& if no one responds, that's ok too. it just really helps to be honest & write somewhere about how bad it is. & to start grieving for what i've lost with this injury.