I really don't know what's going on.
I can't seem to stay upright for longer than
3-4 hours at a time without excruciating, unbearable
pain. Systemic pain. All over. I can't tell where
it's coming from. My best guess is my neck.
Because it's all over.
The left sided head pain I've had for 16 months
has now breached to the right side. The pain in
the back of my neck is ungodly. If I touch my face
anywhere - it hurts.
That same pain feels like it's in my bloodstream.
I'm trying to block it out...but if I listen "closely"...
like when I lie down for the night...it's screaming,
tearing, ripping, gouging in every molecule of my
*being* - mind and soul (sanity) going with it.
NO ONE should live in this much pain...ever. NO ONE
should have to contemplate suicide because of PAIN when
they want so desparately to continue to be the matriarch
of a family. To get them thru their relationships,
their jobs, the day to day grind that unbubbles us all.
DAMN IT..at this point in life, I wanted to be earning
top dollar, inviting my kids over weekly, grilling out,
taking them places, doing things for them...LIVING. I
can't even invite them OVER because I may be in bed by
the time they get here.
I have a primary doc, a neurologist, an optometrist,
an opthalmalogist, a spinal specialist, a rheumatologist,
an ear, nose, throat surgeon, a dentist....I've had
head, neck and lumbar MRI's and CT's. They are either
not telling me what's going on or they don't KNOW. I've
run out of ssdi *spare* money to find the reason for
the pain....and can't afford to buy Restasis or Lidoderm
Patches because of the doctor bills. I pay 13 different
doc bills $5-$10 a month at the cost of FOOD. I am
SICK of eating oatmeal, mac & cheese, bread....3x a day.
I'm living on SSDI - I've got 3 infected molars - they
*think* most of my pain MAY be from these (now). Last
month, they *thought* I just needed septum surgery
and tubes in my ears. These 3 molars aren't covered
under Medicare....it will cost est. $1,000 to have them
extracted. No, a normal dentist can't do it because
*they think* my head spasms are from my teeth (now) so
I need a *surgeon* to extract them. God FORBID that I
not use a surgeon and therefore end up in MORE PAIN.
I don't HAVE $1,000...and there's not a dental surgeon
on this planet that will do it without CASH UP FRONT.
What do I DO? Sell my CAR??? That's all I have...and
it's eleven years old. wtf?? Do I call Action News
Number 5 or 3????
The last Neuro appt I had was 3 months ago - he suggested
PHYSICAL THERAPY. WHAT PART OF "IT HURTS THE MORE I
MOVE" DO THEY NOT GETTTTTTTT??????? He suggested that
the reversal of cervical lordosis "may" be a reason for
some *discomfort*. wtf???
Do I kill myself NOW or wait til TOMORROW?
And WHY am I asking Cyberspace??????
god....let me write a book. let me rant and rave forever.
let my children rant too...because NOW i *know* what
life IS. i KNOW the value of it, the turmoil of it,
the insanity of it. WHY must I weigh my pain against
my children's...every DAY???
This is TOO MUCH. I want OUT.
But..oh god, my children.