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suicidal pain

jasrojjasro Posts: 224
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:33 AM in Neck Pain: Cervical
I really don't know what's going on.

I can't seem to stay upright for longer than
3-4 hours at a time without excruciating, unbearable
pain. Systemic pain. All over. I can't tell where
it's coming from. My best guess is my neck.
Because it's all over.

The left sided head pain I've had for 16 months
has now breached to the right side. The pain in
the back of my neck is ungodly. If I touch my face
anywhere - it hurts.

That same pain feels like it's in my bloodstream.
I'm trying to block it out...but if I listen "closely"...
like when I lie down for the night...it's screaming,
tearing, ripping, gouging in every molecule of my
*being* - mind and soul (sanity) going with it.

NO ONE should live in this much pain...ever. NO ONE
should have to contemplate suicide because of PAIN when
they want so desparately to continue to be the matriarch
of a family. To get them thru their relationships,
their jobs, the day to day grind that unbubbles us all.

DAMN IT..at this point in life, I wanted to be earning
top dollar, inviting my kids over weekly, grilling out,
taking them places, doing things for them...LIVING. I
can't even invite them OVER because I may be in bed by
the time they get here.

I have a primary doc, a neurologist, an optometrist,
an opthalmalogist, a spinal specialist, a rheumatologist,
an ear, nose, throat surgeon, a dentist....I've had
head, neck and lumbar MRI's and CT's. They are either
not telling me what's going on or they don't KNOW. I've
run out of ssdi *spare* money to find the reason for
the pain....and can't afford to buy Restasis or Lidoderm
Patches because of the doctor bills. I pay 13 different
doc bills $5-$10 a month at the cost of FOOD. I am
SICK of eating oatmeal, mac & cheese, bread....3x a day.

I'm living on SSDI - I've got 3 infected molars - they
*think* most of my pain MAY be from these (now). Last
month, they *thought* I just needed septum surgery
and tubes in my ears. These 3 molars aren't covered
under Medicare....it will cost est. $1,000 to have them
extracted. No, a normal dentist can't do it because
*they think* my head spasms are from my teeth (now) so
I need a *surgeon* to extract them. God FORBID that I
not use a surgeon and therefore end up in MORE PAIN.

I don't HAVE $1,000...and there's not a dental surgeon
on this planet that will do it without CASH UP FRONT.
What do I DO? Sell my CAR??? That's all I have...and
it's eleven years old. wtf?? Do I call Action News
Number 5 or 3????

The last Neuro appt I had was 3 months ago - he suggested
MOVE" DO THEY NOT GETTTTTTTT??????? He suggested that
the reversal of cervical lordosis "may" be a reason for
some *discomfort*. wtf???

Do I kill myself NOW or wait til TOMORROW?

And WHY am I asking Cyberspace??????

god....let me write a book. let me rant and rave forever.
let my children rant too...because NOW i *know* what
life IS. i KNOW the value of it, the turmoil of it,
the insanity of it. WHY must I weigh my pain against
my children's...every DAY???

This is TOO MUCH. I want OUT.

But..oh god, my children.


  • i'm pete. i think i know what you mean with the pain but yours sounds absolutely terrible. your history sure shows tons of trouble.
    what does spinal surgeon say?
  • Please listen with an open mind friend.

    Any pain that makes you contemplate suicide needs to be treated on an emergent basis. Please get yourself to the ER and tell them what you've written here. They have support systems that can help you find programs with which to get the medical help that you need- there may be some state programs to pay for some of your heath care which you've overlooked. If your pain is that high you need to be seen TODAY.

    You're right; there are reasons to stay here and not just for your children. Please, at the very least, call the suicide hotline that Pete posted. You need help now. I wish there was something that I could do for you but be assured that I'm here for you along with the other members of Spine-Health and we care.

  • but also from some knowledge and experience, gluten found in all the foods you listed and not to mention how refined the foods are is very inflammatory and once stopped make pain less. eat fruits and veggies, juices and smoothies and soups can help avoid tooth pain.
  • I am so sorry you are suffering. Pain can be all consuming and make life hard to bear. You grieve the "normal" life you once had and look intensely at the way you wish your life could be. I have been there and so understand what you are going through. Its been hard work to live in the moment, to wake up and be grateful for what I can do and not dwell on what I can't.

    Please do get some help and support. We here on SH are here for you in these forums and in the chat room. Also, I would take the above posters' advice and call for some help and go to the ER. Your suffering is valid, nothing to be ashamed of that you need help dealing with the depression that comes with pain. Mental health professionals will help you find community support as well.

    Best wishes to you, take care of yourself....

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    Feeling the way you do right now, I would strongly suggest you seek some professional help for your emotional state.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • You might have been writing in jest, buy I'm not so sure that contacting your local TV stations would be an off-the-wall idea. I have seen many families in my community (population 170,000) given help when their plight is made public. Perhaps a doctor would volunteer his services (working closely with your own doctors). There's got to be someone/something that will help. Do you have a chronic pain doctor?
    Please don't give up. Focus on exhausting every avenue that you have, no matter how off-the-wall it seems.
  • have you had any surgery yet?
  • I PROFUSELY apologize for posting using the word "suicide". How's anyone supposed to respond to something like THAT??

    I'm struggling with finding a way to LIVE...not DIE. Thanks, I was (am) absolutely serious about calling a tv station.

    Again, I'm sorry. The anger and helplessness from *circumstance* got the best of me last night.

    Thank you for being kind.

  • I know you feel close to the edge, but please take a step back and think things over. We're here for you and I'm glad you reached out to us. I've felt hopeless and thought what good am I now the way I am? I can't do nothing because of the constant pain and I am no longer the wife and mother I physically once was. But I've learned is that I AM NEEDED...no matter what condition I'm in. I STILL serve a purpose.

    Yes, I hear about being eyeball deep in debt. I don't know if I'll pay off my medical bills in this lifetime, but what can I do? Keep doing what I can. SSDI doesn't give me much but I am fortunate my DH is the breadwinner. We're basically a one income family and it's a struggle to manage all the bills, copays, prescription costs, etc. I have 2 kids with needs of their own as well, and you know how expensive they can be.

    Anyway, whatever you do- keep your car! Hold on to it because it's your lifeline. Apply for everything under the sun like food stamps, medicaid, rent and utility assistance, and find out where your local food pantries are in order to save money. You need to eat right and add fresh fruits and vegies. Try to get prescription assistance from the pharmaceutical companies and maybe you will get your scripts for free. Talk to your doctors and see if they will forgive your debt or at least knock some of it off. They will always work with you and are willing to negotiate a lower pay off amount if you can do that.

    About your pain, has your dentist or doctor given you antibiotics? It will take away the pain if you have an active infection going on. The last thing you want is an abcess. I had one because I let a cavity get really bad and one side of my face was swollen and painful. They said I was one step away from sepsis or something and I had emergency extraction that same day. I wish dental insurance wasn't so ridiculously expensive because I need dental work so bad and I don't want to go on pulling tooth after tooth.

    Jasro, I really want things to improve for you. I connect with what you're saying. I have 2 kids and I feel shame that all they see is Mom in bed in pain all the time. I think of what could have been if I was able bodied and working. I see a nice house with a 2 door garage with 2 nice cars inside. I see a nice paycheck and an ample amount in a savings account. I see our family having fun in an exotic vacation destination and knowing we can look forward to another trip every summer.

    Well, my reality is different of course but I am grateful to have my family together under one roof more than anything. I learned to not take little things for granted anymore because you never know how life will change things up for you. We've been given limes but I'll take them and make the best margarita possible. The key to survival is adaptation and acceptance- adjust to what life throws at you and accept that some things are out of our control. We didn't ask for chronic pain but we must learn to work with it and work around it in my humble opinion.

    Anyway, I pray that life gives you a much deserved break and things start to look up for you. Take care
  • Meydey - yes, I've applied for everything I can find to apply for...thank you so much.

    JKDE - no, I've not had surgery nor am I considered a candidate yet.

    I'm fortunate that my children are grown and that I'm not as young as you...JKDE.

    All three molars are abscessed. My primary doc gives me antibiotics when they are directly causing pain. He's told me not to waste money seeing a neuro for the head pain until I have these molars removed. He told me to be SURE and have an Orofacial Surgeon remove the molars, don't go to a teaching school and take my mri's with me to a surgeon. He truly believes these molars are the culprits for all the sickness & inflammation going on. I believe him. I think the molars are causing inflammation ... directly affecting my spinal cord or something. Saying that I can't stay upright for longer than 3-4 hours doesn't sound so *bad* - but those 3-4 hours aren't painfree...it just takes about that long for it to become absolutely unbearable. Lying down in supine position for 2-3 hours somehow relieves the pressure on a "tooth-inflamed-spinal-cord"??? or something. I don't know. I just don't stinking KNOW.

    It's boiling down to "Me or My Car". I can't continue on like this without a solution. It might not be *just* my molars - selling my car would give me enough money to extract them AND pursue ...oh, crap, I can't figure it out on here.

    Just..thanks for responding. I will deal with it. As I can.

  • Dear Jasro,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are still battling with the multiple abcesses. I really am, as I know the intense pain an abcessed tooth creates.

    To have three abcesses at one time... man, oh man... I cannot fathom the agony you must be in? I had the one abcessed molar a few years ago and as soon as the oral surgeon extracted the tooth and the drain was put in, I felt so much better.

    You most certainly will feel much better, once you get these molars extracted.

    Have you tried calling any churches, by chance? There was a pediatrician at the one church I used to attend who would do pro bono work, before he retired. Sometimes churches will do fund raisers for people, too. Just a thought?

    I really hope you can get these teeth taken care of, as soon as possible.

    Please keep us posted with your progress, Jasro.

    Best wishes to you,

  • Thank you for the church suggestion. If I can't find help there, I don't know where I would.

  • There has to be someplace out there that will do your dental work for free in this economy. Where I work we offer a 50 percent discount if the bill is paid the date of service if you have no insurance. If you call around and plead your case to several surgeons nicely it couldn't hurt. Say My name is.... I am in a a situation where I am unable to pay and can prove it.... then say is there any way the doctor can help me I am in so much pain I can't stand it. See what they say. There are many great people out there that are unselfish and want to help others. I've heard others talk about hospitals providing services for free to the uninsured also. Or is drastically discounted. It's worth a shot. Good Luck! Until then try taking some anti inflammatories daily to reduce any inflammation. They take up to a week to build up in your system so give them time. I take naproxen 550mg double strength 2 times a day. Without it I am miserable.
    2005-ACDF with Corpectomy at C3-C-5.
    2006-L4-L5 diskectomy.
    2009-Cervical laminectomy at C3.
    Steroid injections series x 4.
  • As Dilauro put it, "Pain can cloud your mind". I needed your suggestion - thank you. I'll try it.

    My voice sends ungodly vibrations to my head. I think I'll call a church and see if someone will make those calls for me.

    Thank you.
  • Hi Jas,

    I was just thinking the same thing. My pain has reached levels to where I cannot concentrate, let alone think clearly.

    If a friend, family member, neighbor or clergy could help make calls on your behalf... it would be great.

    Shortfuse is right on target with taking an anti-inflammatory. Believe it or not, Advil works the best for me when I've had raging tooth pain. I'm not sure of what medications you are on and if you can take Advil, but it's definitely worth checking into.

    Good luck... I'll be anxious to hear when you have the extractions scheduled.

    Hang in there, Jas.

    Tammy >:D<
  • The first church I called told me about a website to
    apply for financial medical aide - then told me about an Orofacial surgeon who accepts this form of payment. The site offers 12 months same as cash - or 3 years @ 13% for medical needs.

    I applied, was accepted - and will go to a food bank to be able to make the payments. Natural Science-person was right - I need better food. I'll swallow hard - and go. The food pantry is in the worst section downtown imaginable. But I'll do it.

    I get to see a surgeon next Thursday. I'm *relieved-crying*.

    I can't believe I sat here at 1 am, crying and
    ranting two days ago - and have a solution to the
    problem now. I can keep my car!

    I really hope it's the answer to the systemic pain.
    It's GOT to be.

    I thank each & every one of you - for helping me
    think it through. I'm empowered and have hope now.

    Very Best Regards,
  • I got the chills reading through this post. This is what Spine-Health is all about - helping each other. The members here are some of the nicest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I'm proud to be a part of it.

    Jasro, I'm so happy that you've gotten the help that you so desperately needed. I'm sending you a big hug.

  • i was so worried the other night...now there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. hope is in view
  • Dear Jas,


    This good news made my night!

    Thank you so much for sharing the positive outcome.

    I couldn't be more happy for you.

    Please let us know how next Thursday goes, k?

    High-five to you!

    Tammy >:D<
  • glad you can go next Thursday for extractions. You will be a new man. Our dental health affects our entire body. Do some internet searches - it is quite shocking. You'd think we would have already been taught this.

    Take care,

  • Hi Jas,
    Glad to hear you are finally gonna get some help. Its a shame what these dibilating issues can do to us financially and that you have to choose between medical care and food. Can you apply for food stamps since you get SSI? Maybe they will give you something and anything will help. Explain your situation to the social workers or whatever they are. Try calling the Red Cross, Salvation Army and any other non-profit agencies you can find in the phone book. Churches are a great idea as well. My church helps people that request it even if they arent members. Pick a day and get out the phone book and use the 3-4 hours you have and just call everyone you can find and take notes. Never know, maybe there will be some good samaritans out there willing to help you. Hope you feel better soon.

  • I'm just checking in and I'm so relieved that things are falling into place for you. Keep fighting and remain strong my friend. Take care :H
  • I haven't been on in a while, and am so sorry I missed this the other night. I'm so glad that things are turning around for you now, how is everything going? I had another thought, are your kids in a position to help you finanacially right now? I know it's hard, my mom did the same a few years ago. She ended up having to pay thousands of dollars in taxes unexpectedly, due to her business. She couldn't pay, and did one of the hardest things in her life, as she said. She asked me for the money. She cried so hard when I brought her a cheque, and said it was supposed to be her taking care of me, not the other way around. But it all worked out, and she was able to pay me back within months. It was one of the proudest moments of my life, that I could help my mom, after her helping me all my life.
    Anyways, I just thought I'd share that, and hope things are improving for you. I'm glad you are strong, and made it through those dark hours. I hope that things continue to look up for you, and you get the dental work that you need, and it is the answer. Keep us posted!!!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Hey Jas...hope things are continuing to look up.
    I volunteer at a local food pantry and it is such a a pleasure to help those that need it and not just "using the system". (Hope no one is offended by me saying that but I see so many on disability at the pantry and we're having to cut our budget because of system abuse....and the people that really need the help, aren't getting it! Anyway, off my soap box.)

    FYI: Check and see if this pantry has a "social services" area, ask for a flyer or their website with the pantry phone number.... We have one that will help with electric bills, phone bills, etc. to clients in need. That might be another avenue to get you through.

    Best, Kimber
  • How are things going over there?

    I was hoping to see an update on the visit to the Oral Surgeon, but maybe I had the wrong Thursday wrote down. (Highly possible... sometimes my meds cause me memory loss!)

    In any event, please let us know how you are feeling and if you have any updates. We would really like to hear!

    Best wishes to you,

  • It's extremely kind of you to ask, Tammy.

    The surgeon refuses to perform the extractions without placing cadeavor bone in each of them - bringing the total cost to $6,000. The bone is needed for future dental implants - which are (also) financially out of the question. I believe his intentions must be good yet I also believe he's lived a sheltered life.

    I'm following thru (again) with the resources so many of you have shared with me. And trying to keep *hope* going.

    Highest Regards,
  • Thanks so very much for what you posted here.

    I'm having SUCH a hard time at the thought of going to
    one of these pantries that I can't imagine folks going when they really don't need to.

    ~And thanks for volunteering. I've so much respect for people like you.

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