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Roses are red

WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:35 AM in Depression and Coping
I only picked the topic name, because I always wanted to use it...dumb huh?...That seems to be me lately.

I am depressed and in pain.
Been trying to sort it all out for weeks, or is it months now?

How did I get here? I can't help but wonder? I have the SCS in place and it acts like fingernails on a chalkboard to my pain... My doctors, my rep, Pfffft! I can't really say much as swear words start flowing.

I have chosen to assault the depression as it seems more likely to be possibly fatal than the back/shoulder pain right now. The depression is so far winning the battle. My shrink and I have increased my meds and I am trying to stay with it, but I have an awful metal taste in my mouth, my eyes burn, I can't find words when I try to speak and often the words come out wrong. Lost for words, seems to be the norm for me now. I just want to find a place where I feel I belong. I am so tired...

I haven't posted here in weeks, it all seems so wrong? so not me.

What exactly am I needing? I do not know. I am only posting this because I feel the need to perhaps let others know they are not fighting this type battle alone. typing that feels right, so I guess that may be what I am after?

Please, unless you have been "here" in 'this" place called depression, don't tell me to cheer up, or ignore it and it will go away. I don't need to be told that, I have tried telling myself that. My wife has told me that. I can see the door, but it seems to be stuck closed right now.

I just need to hang in there till I figure out a way to get the thing open. No one to talk to here. Not a soul seems to know how to help this, not one I have found, YET.


  • You have been missed. I hope that you and your doc can get things sorted out soon so you can feel better. You can always PM me if you need to let the "sh_t hit the fan".

    I learned years ago that if things don't get better, they at least get "different" and sometimes different is okay and all that is needed.

  • i sometimes just let myself sit there and sit somemore till it is done. :? and one day it is. :T through no fault of my own or anyone else's.. so don't feel quilty, or angry at yourself, just be patient and hang in there. i am behind you all the way.. :D hugsss, >:D< Jenny :H
  • Hello. I am glad that you are able to post, at least to let us know how you are. It is awful when you get to that point. I have had so many things go wrong the last year, I felt like :What the heck" Its awful when you get to the point where you dont know what to do or where to go. I have felt really down lately as well. Seems like the more I try to look up, the harder it becomes. Take care my friend, and if you need to vent or just a shoulder, I am here for you...
  • I feel like we're walking the same path right now. I actually had somebody tell me tonight that I was upright and still walking so I should be grateful. WTF! I refrained from saying what I wanted to. I'd never tell you to cheer up or any of the crap. I get sick of hearing it myself.

    >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< :* >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< :* Instead of telling you how good you've got it, I'll just send you some hugs and mmmmwwwwahhh kisses (shoulds like that when my daughter gives me a silly kiss). I think we should have the right to take our canes and smack people upside the head for telling us that crap. No fear of charges, etc. :))( Should I start the petition and make that a federal law. :D

    Glad you posted. Was wondering where you were.
  • Roses are red
    Sometimes we get blue
    We find our way back,
    You'll find your way, too.

    Hang in there, friend. Until you find the way to open that door, we're here for you, and will still be after you are able to walk back through. Peace and warm wishes to you.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • :) I think I have a little ESP -- You were on my mind heavily the last couple of days because I noticed you hadn't posted in such a long time.

    :? I'm with you regarding the depression -- I've been there. Had to take short term disability from my job when I was around 40 years old. I, like you, am much more afraid of getting depressed than being in pain. It took getting on an antidepressant, a good therapist and friends to bring me out of it. I thought I had the flu, slept all the time,lost a ton of weight, and my anxiety levels were off the charts. I vowed never to go back there again. I'll send you a PM to share a program that helped me that may help you.

    We're all here to support you in whatever way we can. Sending you comforting and healing thoughts,

    take care,

  • HI Wrambler,
    I haven't talk to you in awhile..
    I just want to say HI and your in my thoughts.
    Like many have said if you wanna talk P.M.anytime

    p.s.Beth I vote YES to the petition,(I can right up the papers)

    HUGS to all...Patsy
  • I'm still here reading, I am trying to sort this mess out. It's dark in here, I wish I could find the light switch? I'll find it somewhere, sure am tired of looking for it this time.

    I'm seeing if it's one of the new meds / increased meds that is making me so out of sorts. I doubt it as we increased and added one because of the depression. The only thing I hope to do is see if I can get rid of the horrible dry metallic mouth, sweats and other assorted not fun issues. I keep thinking if I do more I will feel better, but this handful of side effects has me searching for a chair as soon as I try to do anything.

    Of course, being at work, I can't pick and choose my good times and the tasks usually hit right when I am feeling nasty. yay.

    Let's try happy thoughts!
    We close on the townhouse TODAY at NOON! I told my oldest I don't want him out of the house, just his STUFF! He was confused till I explained, that I love him, he can come visit ANYTIME, just don't bring dirty laundry, furniture, skis, books and clutter :D I told him he can even sleep at home, on the couch :O

  • Wrambler,
    Even in the darkest of days you can make us smile with your humor....Roses are red...and Oh yea...Happy thoughts....

    Oh yea, the junk is about to leave the house...smelly shoes, the video games, the furniture (What will you do with all that space in his room now? LOL) AND the good news is your son will come back to visit often...my son is home relaxing on the couch, watching a movie with his dad and actually really visiting with us! Yahoo! Spending quality time he didn't take time to do before with us...he use to deposit more stuff here,eat and run off to be with friends...now he comes to eat and visit with us! BUT he does bring laundry home (we forgot that rule when he moved out...LOL!)it's ok because he needs to do it!

    I hope your days get better soon. Life is full of ups and downs and the valleys in between are hard to climb up sometimes...but I know you will keep climbing and treking for yourself, your wife and kids and you will see some light ahead soon!

  • Hope you are doing better. BTW, if you find that light switch, could you please leave the light on for me? Not going to take over your post; I'll post something later or tomorrow.

    You're not alone. Wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Long weekend, moving my son in, spending even more money on "stuff" for his new house. Lots remains to be done, but I am trying to temper him to it taking a few weeks to finish the checklist. He has classes and study and grades are #1 priority!

    Then to finish the weekend my wife took our youngest son and a friend to a whitewater course rafting and when she finished the day yesterday her vehicle would not start! so, I had to drive 50 minutes down, spent and hour trying to start it, then 50 minutes home. Lovely way to end the weekend. dinner was at 10:00 pm, dessert was bed. (No, the vehicle did not start! hope I can fix it this weekend, left it behind at our cabin)

    Me? well, I stopped taking the increased dose of desipramine and Ambien. The flexeril my shrink added at bedtime really helps sleep! I am still down, but not as trodden...

    On the pain side, things have been moderate this summer so I am doing "ok". Today there is a chill in the air and I can feel it. Not sure what winter will bring, but if it follows the last few years I will not be a happy camper. (got to work on that prejudging thing)
  • Hey Wrambler,

    It's great to see you posting again. I've been wondering how your summer has been going.

    Although I'm only 9 months into chronic pain, I can already tell the rest of my life will be full of added challenges. Not only do we face the "regular" trials and errors that life brings... we have another new set added to our day to day lives.

    You have come a long way since your accident. I've been on Lexapro for the depression we get, for approximately 4 months now. It's been working good so far, along with the counseling. I also take Flexeril and like you, it works really well for me at night. It helps to settle the spasms.

    Hang in there, Wrambler. It's good to see you back. You have so many spiney friends here to support you 24/7 and I know you have been missed!

    Take good care and don't over do it,

  • My shrink was astounded my PCP had not tried giving the flexeril to me before. I had a script after the accident, from neuro, but none since then. So, once I saw it was working I asked my PCP about it and he just shrugged it off. I'm thinking it is time for a new PCP, but not sure how you go about getting one to sign off on taking someone like "me" on?

    Once the SCS went in and I was over that pain, my PCP and PM treat me like, "oh, he has an scs, he is good now". Almost feels like they are saying, "Shutup, your bothering us". Ain't life grand :D

    I think I mentioned on here that my insurance carrier has decided to move my PM to "out of network" coverage! Though I suspect the PM may have actually forced that issue? Not sure? All I really know is at this point I have to get preapproval from the insurance before I can even go in for a SCS tuneup! With the depression getting me so down I could not deal with trying to figure it all out. With any luck I can stay "up" long enough to get over the hump and start trying to figure this mess out.

    I'm still on temp restrictions at work, my PM is clueless to, to be honest they have me see his PA. When I ask the guy just kind of zones out. He says, "do anything you want". So OK I am doing that, but how does that translate into the work environment? I asked the PM about things like working overhead and lifting heavy items, he says, "avoid that". Great, which is it? Make up your mind already! My job description has things in it that could have me easily kill someone by accident should I decide to just "do anything", not that I am going to. Still leaves me needing to sort this stuff out with work.

    Enough gloom, I have till November to sort some of this mess out...even though my next PM appt is on Novemeber 16, hmmmm, none of this is easy, is it?

  • My shrink was very into things today! He listened to me describing my up and downs and the days everything seems "not so bad and I can deal with this" verses the days it all sucks and I think about finding a nice rock to jump off of.... we talked a long time about my history with being in and out of depression. Stopping meds every 6 months to a year when I feel OK.
    He thinks I may be floating on a low level of being bipolar... I get to going every now and again and all seems fine, then wake up the next day and nothing is worth anything.
    That's neither here nor there, though, well he did start me on Lamictal, very slowly and creep up the dose to see if I stabilize. I don't know that I have ever been really stable as far as mood. I'm not sure I would know it when I saw it...Lets all cross our fingers and see what happens! Yay for samples :D

    I also talked to him about the flexeril he gave me for bedtime and how it losens my chronic knots in my back neck and shoulder. I told him I tried to discuss it with my PCP, about day time use, but got nowhere. I just wanted to have access to enough flexeril to take 2 a day on a bad day, but PCP did not even want to talk about it. My shrink just wrote me script for two a day and said, "there you go". I think I love this man!

    Last, against my own advice I asked about valium for the anxiety while we are waiting to see if the Lamictal works. He himmm'd and haww'd and looked through my past history when I told him he had provided it in the past. I now have a script for Valium!

    Every once and a while an appt actually provides a light at the end of that d**n tunnel!

    I was so wound up this morning I had the shakes. I had to clench my right fist or my hand just shook. It's amazing what a little valium will do. Now, to see if I can get all this together enough to keep functioning till I find out if this is going to work.

    Oh, yeah, we also discussed the fact that if this works my habit of dropping meds when I feel ok needs to stop. He agreed when I told him I had heard that is a common problem with mood swings in anyone, not just bipolar people.

    Hope every one is doing better today.
  • Fingers, eyes and toes are crossed for you, my friend!

    What a fantastic visit you had.

    If you keep up with what this doctor ordered... you might be dancing a little jig around turkey day.

    Excellent news, Wrambler. Thanks for sharing.

  • I'm going to try and actually post this. I keep failing again, typing a reply and then just hitting the back button and letting it go away.

    This is a fight I fear I may never win, I'd settle for a tie. The weather has changed to sitting on the edge of that rainy front that has drowned Atlanta. My heart goes out to those poor folks (I may as well send it, I know it is hurting me). My back has a knot in it, right between my shoulder blades that feels ready to explode. My 2 flexeril a day fall woefully short.

    At times I think, is this it? Why go on? Pain, depression, it all hurts so much, so deep. I can't even find my strength to reach out and tell anyone how miserable I am right now. Tired of going there. Knowing the tears will flow and I will lose it if I open my mouth to say the words.

    I'd run away, but, where ever I go, there I am.

    I have to remember, Bipolar, means seeing both sides of the "norm". Whatever that is! norm, who is norm? ah, yes that lovable chunky guy on Cheers!

    I have been watching me, see, I'm shifting gears thinking to my self. I can see, now that I have been told, I can see the days that are manic and the dark counterparts that are most frequent. The up days feel like I have downed a case of high caffiene drinks and am bouncing off the walls. I am so wound up I fear people will see. Then its like someone poured a downer, down my throat and I crash, hard. The hole is dark and deep.

    I guess I just have to learn to catch the moments between the two poles. Is that possible?

    Is any of this real?
  • Sorry to hear you are having another down day. How have you found your new medication? I don't know much about bipolar disease, but I have heard that you always have to be on meds for it, to continue even once you start to feel better. I'm glad that you had such a great visit with your psych, can you get back in to see him quickly?
    I was also on flexeril for my spasms, and it didn't really help me. I'm now on baclofen, which worked brilliantly at first, but now doesn't seem to do as much, I think I may be getting tolerant. But, that may be something you can ask about?
    Anyways, hang in there, and you know you have us to turn to. You do have the strength to reach out, you did by posting here!!
    Feel better, friend, know that you're not alone, and don't give up the fight.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I took Lamictal for quite some time (for pain) and I found that it can interfere with other medications. Since it is metabolized in the liver, it's kind of like trying to add more water to a cup that is already full ... the excess runs over unused. I don't know if that makes much sense.

    If you have computer access, do a search on other drugs that interact with Lamictal and see if any that you are currently taking are effected.

    I hope the rain ends soon.

  • that big rut we sometimes enter is worse than pain. i have been there too.
    everyone is different and we all look to free ourselves when we get bogged down. i dont take many drugs but live on sunlight, sitting near the water and lots of coffee. i just hope that some happiness and light can brighten your day. just know we are with you every difficult step of this bumpy way....pete
  • Ah, bipolar. Yes. One day everything is looking great, the next you're ready to jump off a bridge. I've been diagnosed with major depression, but my doc said that it's a bit difficult to diagnose because I also have bipolar tendencies. Hmm... seems to me that all the doctors I've ever known never give me a complete answer. It's always this but there is also this, or this but there is no this - it's a pain. Either way, I was on medication for a while - a few different ones, one made me want to jump off a bridge every single day that I was on it, the other made me useless, the next few had no affect. So, I decided to just stop.

    Now I wish I had them again because days are just... awful. I seriously doubt they have anti depression meds in this country however.

    I unfortunately don't have any advice for you - no magic suggestion that will take all the mental pain away. But, I somehow took reassurance in knowing that when I was at a definite low, I would jump back up and go crazy in a week or two... or next day. I wish I had that to rely on again since I'm much more afraid of the darkness than the bright shining light. Yes, I was impulsive and overall I probably hurt myself more when I was "happy", but it allowed me to function. People just took it as me being really outgoing, which I didn't mind since all my life I've been the quiet one. Now... it seems like the manic periods have stopped - all I feel is a constant low. Not really in the darkness, but rather... nowhere.

    By the way, I love the way you write. Do you use your talent? If not, maybe you should consider it.
  • Oh and... yes, I think it's possible to catch the moment between the two poles. I can't tell you how, because I don't know - but for some time in my life, I caught the moment between the two poles. Then, something distracted my attention and I lost it again. I now wonder how I caught it in the first place. If I figure it out, I will let you know.

    Also, I bet you know that Sun is your friend. I've heard of many bipolar people using artificial sun light on rainy days. I can't say it ever worked on me, but... perhaps if you've never tried it...
  • Everyone, "C" I read you mention Lamictal on another thread and wanted to ask, but honestly, I want to try and see this drug for myself and not prejudge it.
    I've taken so many things over the years for depression that have not worked, I am desperately hoping this will work. Since I'm only up to 50mg and it takes time to work up on the dosage to avoid rashes and other assorted bad things I am trying to be patient. I feel something changing, I just don't know if it is right yet. Sometimes I feel like I am going the wrong way on a one way street, yet, noone notices, I feel unseen. Nobody here knows, shhhhhhh! It's a secret. The whole day seems strange right now, like I go through the entire bipolar cycle in one day. Except I don't get really manic, I just feel OK for a brief period, then I fall way down, oops, back up again, repeat.

    A large part of me just says no more, none. I also am pretty sure that this has progressed to the point that if I don't find a control within or outside myself, someday I may be one of those people that just can't do this anymore. I'll probably just wander off and hope no one tracks me down and brings me back.

    I also have the biggest urge to not admit any of this. to anyone. anywhere. I really have to fight to not delete this.
  • Hey, I am here for you. I just read the post you did for me, and you made me smile and laugh so hard. You are such a great person. I am sorry that you have to deal with the frustrations you are right now. I have depression, and it is hard enough. You are so loving, and always are such a supporter of others, that I wish I had something wise to say. Only that I care, and will always be there for you. PM me if you want. Just dont expect my spelling to be that great ;) . Hoping you have a better day...Love, Robin
  • No pearls of wisdom to drop your way about your situation -- but, I hold onto hope for you that the right medication will get you on that bridge between the highs and lows. Until then, your thoughts and feelings are safe to share here with your spiney friends -- anytime!

    >:D< >:D< >:D< to you -- sending some good vibes your way for brighter days!

    Take care,

  • i am so sick of loved ones just saying cheer up. or, people have it worse. that gives no consolation to how you feel like you'd be better off dead than live with this awful pain. i can offer no advice on how to fix it, as i am wandering the same labyrinth. all i can say is, i understand what you feel. the disconnection with those you were once so close with, the hiding from the world. i get it. i guess just keep fighting the good fight, and hopefully, something good will come of all this misery.
  • I think, maybe the Lamictal is working. I could just be an "up spell" as I never get manic. But I feel a little bit optimistic about things. So, I am hopeful.

    I am also trying to be aware of my "self" as that is key to this whole mess from what I have been reading. I need to be careful not to let the "down days" win and just hang in there.

    Hiding from the world I can understand. I make the attempt on a pretty regular basis...

    I'm hoping that maybe I will finally win this battle over my mind. If, I can beat it, or at least call a truce, I can deal with the pain.

    You can read here on the forum and see the people who are still "ok" no matter how much pain they are actually in. Ideally the pain would be gone, but, it does not always work that way. I have fought the pain and it wins. Now I am fighting my mind as I fear it can cause me to lose more than just the battle with the pain.

    Does that make sense?

    Anyway, I hope everyone here has a better day today than yesterday and is better still tomorrow.
  • Did I scare everyone away from this section of the forum? Gorsh, I hope not!

    Been seeing both sides of the norm all week. One day ok the next not so good. Went out to see "Barrage" do a concert after a workshop with local Orchestra school kids last night. My son "plays" upright Bass.
    Pretty cool, there is stuff on youtube by "barrage" so if you like violins, uh 5 of them, take a peek.

    As usual my body is "adjusting" to my sleep pattern and is slowly fighting off the meds. Makes me want to swear, but at least I had a few days of nice sleep. I'm now back to waking about 4 am and tossing and turning till I get up at 7:00 for work.

    Funny, ha, ha, as the pain is running up and down my spine as much as my shoulder. It is getting cool here and I suspect that is the cause.

    Anyway, glad to see no one is posting. I hope that is because everyone is OK!

  • I hope that you have more amd more good days!!! Hang on to them, and remember the good things when you have a bad day, like the concert!! I'm going to have to look up the vids, I love listening to the violin!!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • You are truly an amazing and gifted writer. You have a real talent with language---choosing words to paint pictures so intimate, yet funny. Real and relateable(as in I can relate to it.) There is a certain John Irving-ness about your style that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I hope you recognize this gift and will give some thought to doing some writing because, for selfish reasons, I would like to read more of your stuff. Our lives have had some real similarities of late. See my post under Pain Psychologist. Susan
  • Susan, wow, I feel all warm and fuzzy! Thanks!

    Seriously, I have a total lack of "acceptable" grammer, or is grammar? gramma, Maybe? I write what I think and sometimes it makes sense, sometimes not so much.

    I have a cousin who is a VERY well published writer of fantasy, medieval, girl hero, fiction. She once told me I could write pretty swell too! I would have zero idea has to how to go about doing much more than I do here!

    I'm just a beat up old car guy with some beat up neurons and such...

    I saw your post under Pain Psychologist. That all rings very true.
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