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need help my son's father died

snookiessnookie Posts: 359
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:35 AM in Matters of the Heart
3 days ago i got the call, my sons father committed suicide. telling my boys was the hardest thing i've ever done. we've spent the last few days with his family. his mom found him. i can't get that vision out of my head. i've told my boys that they don't need to know how now, i don't want them to have that vision in their head.

if anyone can help me, how do i do this? when do we go back to school? how do i prepare them for an open casket? how do i get them thru this?


  • I don't have the answers to tell you.
    But you and the boys are in my thoughts..
    I will be praying for you..
  • I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are going through, and especially for your son.

    Everyone handles this differently, according to what is best for your particular situation. I don't have answers for you, other than seeking the help of the counselor at school is a wonderful idea.

    My brother passed away and left behind 2 daughters, 6 and 8 at the time. The girls were told that Daddy was gone to Heaven, but they really didn't understand. I purchased a book for children explaining death what happens after, and when we found a quiet moment I sat the two of them down with me and we read the book. In fact, they wanted me to read it to them again when I got to the end. It was written to help them understand that although their dad was gone from this life, his memories are still in their heart. I can't remember the title or author, this was about 4 years ago.

    I hope I have not offended anyone's religious beliefs. Snookie, if this is something you are interested in doing, I'm sure there is a variety of books for children that would fit your own beliefs.

    I'm so sorry for your loss, and your children are lucky they have a caring mother who is there to help them.

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Snookie,

    I feel so badly for you and your boys and the situation they are in. When it comes down to handling death, there is no right or wrong. As I sit here writing this I have mixed emotions. I think both Paul and cindy gave excellent advice. Be sure to make the school counselors aware of what has happened. The teachers and counselors should be very equipt to handle this situation. Since it was a suicide will they even be able to have a open casket? You know your children best and what they can handle. Talk to them and ask them do they want to see there dad before hand. Try to get a read on how they are feeling. They may not truly understand what has happened yet depending on the age. That death is permanent, and as Cindy said memories live on forever. While you want them to be able to grieve the loss of their farther, you don't want them traumatized anymore than they already are. Your a mom and have lots of instincts. Trust what you feel is in the best interest for your boys. Sorry there just isn't a black and white answer, just shades of grey. I will say a special prayer for you and your son's tonight.
  • Thanks for your support. My boys are 10 and 12. My oldest has aspergers, it's hard to tell how this is affecting him. He has focused on his brother and making sure that he is ok. My youngest is up and down. He is having a very hard time sleeping, he's getting maybe 5 hours a night. Tonight it was just my little one and me (the oldest stayed with my mom) and I got out the paint and we spent the evening painting. He picked out a bunch of symbols for me to paint for him, as a tribute to his dad. I'm encouraging them both to write a letter to him expressing how they feel.

    Both boys want to see their Dad. When their uncle died 2 years ago he had an open casket and they seemed ok. We have picked out some of things to put in his casket. I talked to my Aunt about it tomight and she belives that it brings closure. I hope she's right. I've never been comfortable with it.

    Cindy, thanks for the tip about the book. I'm going to look for it tomorrow. I'm not religous, but my boys are. I keep telling them that Dad will live on in our hearts. At the end of the funeral the Pastor is going to give them each a locket with Dad's picture. I think that they are going to love that.

    I'm not sure if the school's have councelers. I'll check on Tuesday. My friend, a foster mom, saw a greif counceller after the baby she fostered for a year was adopted. It takes a little while to get in so I think that I'll book the appointments Tuesday morning.

    Thanks again to everyone.
  • It's meaningful for the children to know that one day they would see their father again in heaven since they are religious. I know you will have the right things to do and say each day to have the answers for the boys. There is a scripture in the Bible that says the Lord will put the words in your mouth to answer. I wish you strength to handle the days ahead. Prayers for you and your family. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • it must be hard to explain to the children, my dad passed away when i was 14, i didn't get offered any councilling. i have no advice but i will pray for you and your boys.
    just realise that that grief comes in many forms, i became very angry at the world, it took me many years to realise it was not my fault my dad passed away. i believe you go through 7 stages of grief ? as long as you recognise this you can be forwarned and forarmed to help the boys cope. best wishes to you all x
  • I am so sorry to hear about the boys' father.

    Suicide is such an awful subject to have to talk about, much less experience first-hand.

    I don't have any words of wisdom for you on this; I wish I did.

    A few years ago, there were a couple kids in high school that committed suicide (at separate times - officials don't think they were related) but I took that tragedy and made it a teachable moment with my boys. We discussed how down someone would have to be to take that step and what (if anything) could have changed if they had reached out to just one person. I made them promise me that no matter how old they are, if they are feeling their lives are so bad that ending it sounds like a viable solution to talk to me first.

    Oh, Snookie. My heart hurts for you and your boys. I'll keep them in my prayers.

    Take care, hon.
  • We did the viewing yesterday and the funeral today. It was so hard. The pastor was really good, he gave the boys crosses to wear to remember their dad. Their dad's friends and family have been relly good, I am hoping that it continues in the days to come. Thanks to all once again.
  • I am sorry I don't have much advise to offer - but I will pray for you and the boys tonight. God Bless.
  • I talked to both the schools today. The oldest's school is looking into the greif councelling now. They are pretty sure that they can set something up. He's going to head back tomorrow. For my youngest, the school doesn't have it. However his teacher works outside of the school in that area, and he's going to work with him and see what he can set up with organization he's with. We decided that he'll go back on Monday. Both boys are doing a lot better today. I think that the funeral brought them some closure. Their principal from their old school and his wife, who used to be the oldest aide, came to the funeral yesterday to support us. That meant a alot to the boys and me.

    My friend came back from vacation yesterday and has been a big support. She also came and tied the boys ties, I've never learnt how.
  • Just wanted to you to know that a lot of us keep you in our thoughts. There are no words that can heal this quickly, it is a process.

    A dear friend, just had this situation happen in the last week or two.

  • Centurion is right, a lot of support here for you sweetie. I am very very sorry. Am glad to hear the boys are doing some better. How are you holding up?
    My thoughts and prayers are with you hon.
  • Sorry about your friends loss, I know you willbe there for him/her. My prayers are with you both
  • just a short note to let you know im following your post and my thought are with you and your boys.

    LOVE P
  • At the age of nine my mother died and my Grandfather took his own life and none of this is an easy thing to explain, I would like to thank you for trying and this will pay dividends in the future, when I was young we were kept away from all of this and no explanation given or offered. Understandably this had had a dramatic impact on how I viewed life itself and I know they were hiding it from my sister and I for our benefit, that process has now changed for the better and it is understood the need to share this grief in an appropriate and supportive manner.

    My school memory is as vivid as yesterday and it did have unseen and accumulative consequence, in observing others we are always unaware of what situations they have to cope with, time will assists this process and close attention given to your boys own needs from now on.

    You have done a good job and shared your gifts, we all need this at the appropriate time and those boys will always remember your supportive words, whatever they are.

    Take Care, John

  • Thanks to John and to everyone. My oldest seems to br ok with school, he line to all of the other kids is "if you knew what happened you wouldn't be asking". I encouraged him to tell a little more. I told him to say that there was a death in the family and that he doesn't want to talk about it. I found that if you give a bit of info, people aren't so pushy. I also suggested the same thing for my youngest when he goes back.

    Over the past couple of days we have worked on a tribute wall. I like to paint, and so we did a lot of Kanji paintings. I am hoping that it helps them.

    Once again, thank you so much to everyone. I have been feeling quite alone. My work didn't send flowers. The people I have worked with for 6 years didn't even say I'm sorry for your loss, or even, I don't know what to say. To say the least, I'm very angry.

    They couple of friends that I have have been good, and so has my family. I just can't stop being angry that the people I work with did that. We always seemed to get along, go out for drinks before. I didn't think that i meant that little.
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