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I have never felt so alone

saamsonitessaamsonite Posts: 20
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:36 AM in Depression and Coping
I suppose it is true that discover who your real friends are when disaster strikes. I have realized how few, if any, true friends I have after this accident.

I am still not able to drive and although many of my so-called friends live less than 30 minutes away, they do not visit. Not only do they not visit, they don’t even call. On a very rare occasion that we do hang out, they seem annoyed when I talk about my recovery. I need to talk about it. I genuinely wish I had something else to talk about, but the last year and a half of my life have been nothing but surviving.

My family is frustrated with me because I am completely draining them financially, especially since I can’t “pull my weight” around the house doing chores. My mom is angry with me and would not talk to me for over a week because she found out that I was using medical marijuana. Even though I am an adult patient and it is 100% legal, she told me I could not have it in her house. To be totally honest, it was the one thing that I found to be enjoyable and brought me immense relief. Since stopping, I have been vomiting every morning and feel horribly sick all day from the pharmaceutical pain meds.

I don’t have much more fight left in me. For the past few days I have been imagining, wishing, dreaming about a bullet going through my skull to take away this excruciating pain in my back and the hollowness of my heart. I have completely lost myself since the accident, body and mind. I am not a person anymore, I am just a broken shell. Now, it seems I am only a drain on what few people I have around me. It has been a very, very long time since I have felt happiness. I have never felt so desperately alone or so completely empty.


  • Just wanted to say that you are not alone here on this forum. Wow, only 25 and you have been through so much. I'm assuming that you still see a doctor? Does your parents go with you? It almost sounds as if your mom doesn't believe that you are still in pain. Also, talk to your doctor about all of this. Maybe your meds aren't working for you as well as they should. I've never taken Celexa, but some of them work better than others and sometimes it's just good to change. I take Cymbalta, since it's supposed to help with nerve pain and it's an antidepressant. I've also taken Paxil (bad for me) and Serzone (worked better) during periods of depression for me. I still have some anxiety and depression that my med doesn't take away, but I feel it's normal in my situation since I still have issues.

    Maybe your doctor can help with your feelings that you are a burden on your family and friends. Can you file for SSDI and get some benefits? Also, don't wait for the friends to visit? Call them and invite them over. Sometimes, they think you are not up to company and maybe you want company but don't act like it if they do come. It's hard to be a happy face, when you don't feel it inside. I also talk too much about my problems, since they are forefront to me. This forum has been my outlet for that, since everyone here knows what it's like.

    Good luck and post more, help others, it's a godsend to be here and have the support we need.

  • :D You have friends who care about you here on SH. We're here for you because we all have pain in common from whatever spinal issue we're fighting. Sending you a few guardian angels O:) O:) O:) to watch over you and bring you peace in your heart while you're feeling so down.

    It's part and parcel of this process to lose friends and have feelings of worthlessness because your whole world is focused on dealing with the pain. Please know that you are loved and have value just as you are -- broken shell and all!

    Okay, here's what I want to tell you -- Stop beating yourself up for the condition you're in and the fact that you can't help out. If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you'd be there for your family members.

    Please reach out to the spineys here -- we'll be happy to listen to you and lend support however we can.

    Remember, every day above ground is a GOOD day -- your thinking is dark because you're in so much pain. Are you on pain management?

    Take care,


  • Don't give up and keep looking for a Dr to help you. I found talking to a Counselor helpful for me as they can be more objective and trained to help you through this rough time. Ask your Dr for a referral to someone. I don't see why you can't smoke outside if it upsets your Mother. As close as we are to family they can't understand what we're going through. Call the distress center and see if they can help you in the dark of night if you need to call them. We certainly are your friends for now and hopefully you'll get the pain more controlled. Seek out several Spine specialists and Pain Management Drs. Take care. Wishing you healing thoughts. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • So glad you found us, so you can get support and advice you need!
    You are so young to be in this mess we all share'chronic pain', I would take your mom with you to see and hear what the drs say, if she hasn't gone before, even so she can hear what they say about your pain and what you can or shouldn't be doing. She needs to hear from dr what your limits are.
    Welcome and good luck sweetie! Hang in there, it's tough and six bad to deal with it, but don't ever feel alone. We are hear for you!!!!
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    I'm sorry you've been through so much. I agree with the above posters who suggest taking your Mom with you to your doctor visits so maybe she'll understand more about the pain you're still having. Sometimes people think that the surgery was supposed to fix everything and we all know that doesn't always happen.
    You have a lot of life ahead of you to enjoy and I'm sure you will. I know how it feels to want your friends around but not feel like it at the same time. Don't ever give up hope. You will have better days. We all have the same feelings you're having at times. It's only natural. Please discuss how you're feeling with your doctor. Good luck.

  • Hi girl,
    Take a deep breath.....have you talked to your mom about how you feel? If you can,tell her what you are feeling,emotionally and physically.I would imagine you are still under a Dr's care,ask your Dr about an anti-depressant. That may be a big help for you. And maybe for your mom too.Having been a skier,you must love the outdoors,do you get a chance to go out and enjoy it anymore? Being outside is a must for me...even when I hurt,just being out makes me feel better.My friends are sick of hearing about my problems too....my family doesn't "get it",but all of us on here do.....so visit often and try to stay sane....it's a battle some days,but you can do it.
    And like was suggested,have your family go to Dr visits with you,that may help them get some insight on what you are dealing with.
    Try and have a good day...Sagehen
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