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Ouch....Words Hurt!!!

lisa burekllisa burek Posts: 855
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:36 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hi Fellow Spineys,

I just need to vent a little bit.

My 7 year old daughter broke my heart today. She screamed that I never play with her anymore and all I do is lay on the couch.

This was so upsetting to me!! I think this in my head, but to hear it from my kid, who is usually so empathetic to my situation, it just killed me. I cried for an hour.

Our day started with me getting both kids ready in the am and going to karate, where for 1 hour I sit/stand and am totally uncomfortable the whole time.

Then, we get home, trying to make my breakfast/lunch (they ate) and they both decide to do crafts, but of course they need help every 2 minutes and my lunch is burned.

Hubby finally comes home from work but they continue to bug me. He has a home project that must get done, but he tries to help.

After I finally eat I take them and the crazy dog on a nature hike. Forgot the "less pull harness" and came back home with knees and back aching. The kids and dog had a great time.

As soon as we get home daughter wants me to play a game and I begged off for a few minutes with my heating pad. Thats when she yelled about me just laying on the couch all the time. Hubby was livid and ordered her to her room and then had a talk with her.

I can understand she's frustrated because I'm not playing 24/7, but she's a kid and has no idea how much I suck it up to do what I do with them. I know she was sorry, but still, it hurt my heart. If any of you are still reading at this point, thanks for listening.


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    I think the situation you describe cause more physical and emotional pain than your actual medical condition is. Sure, she is a child, but still those words have got to feel like a hot knife going into your heart.
    Its good that your husband talked with her, but at that age, its so hard to understand.

    In so many ways, I had it easier. My son was born in 1974 and my daughter in 1978. I had back problems since 1967 and my first surgery in 1978. So for the most part, my kids only knew their dad as having back problems.

    Lisa, I wish I could come up with words that would take away some of the pain you have to be feeling.
    Have a good cry, I am sure it wont be the last one.
    Some body should come up with a game or even better a doll like thing that could be used to show children how their Mommy and Daddy's spine problems prevents them from doing certain things.

    My heart feels for you
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I can empathise with you. I know it hurts, and unfortunately this kind of hurt doesn't go away for a lot of years when the kids are old enough to look back and understand that you do the best you can.

    It is a good thing that your husband got after her, and hopefully he was able to help her understand how her words hurt you, and also that he was able to listen to her pain as well.

    Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can do. It is obvious from the day's events that you are not laying on the couch 24/7 and that you do try to be interactive with the kids. They will eventually look back on this and be thankful that they were taught that life isn't always rosy, that it is full of different challenges, and how we choose to handle those challenges makes us teh people we are. My oldest daughter thanks me for teaching her how to take care of the house when I couldn't, and how to take care of her younger siblings. She also said she learned a lot about inner strength by watching me battle through the past several years. So even though things aren't ideal, we can still be good parents. Keep doing what you are doing. Tomorrow you and your little one will have a chance to have some quiet time to talk about how you both feel, and you can listen to what she has to say, the same as she will listen to you.

    Good luck. Sorry for your pain.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I so appreciate your kind words of wisdom. Quite frankly, thats why I posted, because I knew some of you would relate and/or make me feel better with your responses. There are so many great people here, thank you.
  • I'm a mom of 4, who went from being an area Community Leader for GS, with 4 troops of 15 or more girls at a time, a trainer, instructor for the ARC, and then doing things with my kids ( both natural born and "adopted" through Scouts to being in a wheelchair, and not being able to do much with my own kids, let alone someone else's these days. I have had similar words said to me and yes, they broke my heart too.....I can still hear them, three years later....and they can still bring tears to my eyes, that stinging pain from those words I think will stay with me for a long , long time.....but I know that I do the best that I can, and now three years later, my kids do realize that even though I am as I am now, I still DO a lot for them and with them....the child involved did apologize, and while I told her that I forgive her, and I do, it still stings.....
    They did learn a lesson by what happened and that is that you should be very careful what you say because you can really hurt someone and you can't take those words back once said....
    A painful lesson for all of us I think.
    I wish that I could offer you some advice to make you feel better, I think that your husband did exactly the right thing in sending her immediately to her room and then going to talk to her. She owes you an apology. And she needs to learn that above mentioned lesson...
  • Yes Sandi,

    You are right, we still DO for our kids but they are too young to GET IT, and that's where the hurtful remarks come, even if they don't intend to hurt. But for us grown-ups it stinks to hear your kid be upset with your limitations.
    Like I said earlier, she's usually helpful and empathetic but I guess today it just ticked her off!

  • When I read your post I wept with you.
    Yes, words hurt worse than a slap in the face.
    I know your daughter did not mean to hurt you by her angry words.
    Tomorrow have a heart to heart talk with her and let her know how something said in anger can and does hurt for years. She can learn a valuable lesson here.

    I do wish there was something I could say that would ease the pain.

    Thank you for coming to us. That means a lot to us to know that you can turn to us for support and understanding.
    Sending you a heart felt hug.... >:D<
    Patsy W
  • That's sad to read this but know you're the best Mommy you can be! Does your daughter have young cousins she can play with sometimes it may give her something to look forward to. I was going to brownies at that age and something like that would give her a goal or a badge to look forward to also. The children should start to get innovative with baker's oven or playing or reading or playing ball against the wall by themselves soon. She just wants you there you don't need to be playing with her all the time. She will know how lucky she was to have you there later in life. She really didn't understand that she hurt Mom by saying that. Again I'm sure you're a great Mommy. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • hi! :H i don't have any children but i can only imagine the pain that must have caused you! of course we all know children speak without thinking first, especially at that young age. 8} i can only give you my best wishes and hope this mark is out of your mind soon.. :D Jenny
  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    I also have been on the recieving end of the stinging words. Ouch! I have had 6 surgeries to date and my son son has suffered greatly. I finally sat him down and told him " I will not permit you to say hurtful things to me anymore over a situation I cannot control, how ever I will let you vent your feelings. Boy did I learn alot! Frustration, fear, you name it he wanted to talk about it. He knew I hurt and knew it was m y spine but as kids think he thought I was going to die. After convincing him that I would not then came the frustrations of me not wanting to do anything with him. So on my good days we began having surprise trips.
    To the lake or the mountains. It did not matter to him where just as long as we were together. To this day, he is now 18 and a very compassionate person he still talks of the trips. So do the best you can and do not allow guilt to become part of the relationship.
  • What I read in your post went straight to my heart. I can't imagine how much guilt you're going through with a child so very young.

    My daughter and I have gone on long walks - forever. However, they've become more and more difficult for me and as of last year, impossible. She recently said that she missed our walks together and felt that I'd 'left her alone'. I cried my heart out and it filled me with so much guilt.

    I used to try to walk to the end of the garden, hoping by some miracle that the pain would disappear, but it never did and the more I walked, the worse it became.

    My daughter's 22, so it must be practically impossible to explain to a young child. However it sounds as if you have a husband who can at least sympathise, if not empathise, so perhaps you could take heart in the hope it may bond your husband and daughter, because she'll always have that special bond with you, her mum.

    Apologies to have rambled on so long, but what you said really struck a chord.

  • :X Just wanted to lend a little support to let you know that you're a GREAT MOM!! As your daughter grows to be a young woman, she will have a compassionate heart due to the experiences and lessons learned from your situation.

    The words she spoke may hurt fiercely now but your little flower is just a "bud" right now and when she blooms as a young woman, I think you'll see that this event only served to shape the wonderful woman she will become.

    >:D< >:D< to you!

  • I think our children often have strong feelings about our disabilites. Feelings they don't understand and don't know how to express. Especially the very young ones. When they say something hurtful it hurts to the core because we are all trying so hard. Maybe your child is feeling angry or fearful about your situation. I know mine sure were. We used to have family meetings to discuss things I may need help with, and what they might be needing from us. These meetings really helped the kids to understand the changes in the household. This is so hard on everyone involved, hang in there.
  • Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words, they mean so much to me. You are a great group of people.
    Oh, and Bubblegum, thanks for the chuckle!
  • Had to comment on your post, it hits so close to home.

    Sounds like you're still in supermom phase(that's what I call it :) , still doing everything and trying to be everything at the cost to YOU.) I did that, then learned that didn't work for me. I "budget" what I can do and inform the kids. Here's the deal today: I can do one trip somewhere, is it to your friend's house or drop you off to watch the game? I give them as much as possible a choice because I can't do everything.

    I want to congrat your hubby for talking to your child. I know they are scared and for so long I have felt like they shouldn't have to "suffer" for my problems, but you know, they aren't MY problems, they are FAMILY problems and that's how it goes.

    Your daughter does owe you an apology but she could have been having a bad day, too. Words hurt so bad but we also have to remember that if we set up unrealistic expectations(like being supermom! :) ) it is hard for them to understand. Tie the kids to the dog's harness and make them walk the dog(joking.)

    Someone told me that their kids' counselor told them: Hey, why do my kids get upset and smart off to me at home but not when they are with (insert name)? The counselor said, "Because the kids know that it is safe to express their feelings with you and that your love is not conditional." Something I have kept in mind, until I talked to my daughter, I didn't realize she thought I might die each time I went into the hospital.

    I'm babbling now. Point I just want to make is that I've heard it too, I very much let the kids know what the options are, I have the kids help me(how else would grocery shopping get done?), and remember that I am oversensitive and that kids have bad days, too. However, I no longer try to be supermom because I can't and it's unrealistic.

    I bet your daughter really does feel bad about the remark, just like we do when it flies out of our mouths.

  • Hi Angie,

    You are right about "supermom", I have cut way back on what I do, but there are still many days when I overdo it for the kids' sake.
    My daughter did apologize and was remorseful. We had a good talk this morning and I explained about my limitations and that I CAN'T help it, and don't like it. That made her feel better. She also said that she's afraid of me falling or getting worse, and is afraid about the surgery. She's also sad that I can't do a lot.
    Thanks everyone for your thoughts, they made me feel better.
  • so sorry for what happened.you did more in one day than i could do all week.
    brace yourself cause teengirls words can be very hurtfull.
    3ys ago when i had my back surgery daughter was 16 and i was in hard back brace. one nite sat gym bleechers hours for band concert.next nite she was cheering for football game/outside an cold. i was crying in pain and she made comment to me you have to go who will take pics of us girls.she said you never come. with all pain off the charts.
    never missed any of her stuff.hubby and sons were going but she wanted me cause im only parent who take pics.
    she did hug and sorry sorrys all wk, when she heard me cryin none stop for nites.
    still hurts no matter what age,
    and even hubbys are there kids words hurt us moms the most deeply.
    this is a great place to vent
    thank you for sharing that with us. and you are a great mom.
    take care
    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • We all want to be there for our kids and we have been supermoms. But we have to figure out how to be a supermom in a different way now that we can't do things the way we would like to. I know you are a wonderful mom and your kids love you very much. Remember, kids say what their heart feels w/o thinking, they are sweet and innocent and also selfish, they are kids!I wonder if your daughter was having a bad a day and just wanted more attention from you so struck back when you woulndn't play with her. at 7 she can't grasp the pain and how hard it is for you and how brave you are to do what you do. I'm glad your husband was there to talk to her and both of you will help her and you through this. I would have cried too! Because of the words hitting me but also because I know I can't do what I want to do with my family!

    Maybe when you see her needing/wanting you to do what you can't you can put in a movie and have her cuddle next to you, or color or read or play old maid or something, sometimes just talking,laughing, jokes might be all she wants, while you have the heating pad and/or ice on and rest up. She sounds like a sweet girl that just had a meltdown. YOU ARE a good mom and I hope you feel better today! Hug your babies and Have a good day!
  • Dear Lisa,

    I am glad to hear your talk went well with your daughter. It hurts me just thinking of how you must have felt after her anger attack. Even our most sensitive and caring children will have their moments of anger. When it's directed at us, boy oh boy... does that deeply hurt.

    Everyone who posted has given great advice.

    I've been trying to think of some other things that might help, too. I love what Ernurse quoted in her reply:

    "Someone told me that their kids' counselor told them: Hey, why do my kids get upset and smart off to me at home but not when they are with (insert name)? The counselor said, "Because the kids know that it is safe to express their feelings with you and that your love is not conditional." Something I have kept in mind, until I talked to my daughter, I didn't realize she thought I might die each time I went into the hospital."

    First and foremost, please know that you are a wonderful mother and wife. You are loved by your family and friends. Your children adore you, love you deeply and they need you. Your daughter vented and I sometimes think it's because they miss the "old" routine. You can tell her you miss the things you used to do together, too, and you are thinking about new stuff you can do... each day.

    Your 7 year old is just that..."7 years old". What they see and take in, is different than older children. I'm glad she told you she was scared of you going to the hospital. I believe that is true and it's always good to have her tell you what's on her mind. Even if it's the same thing... it's good for her to get it all out. (Not by screaming, by just talking things over). After my fall, Nikki would call me from school for several months.... to check on me. She would have horrible visions of me walking and falling around the house. Her teacher agreed to let her give me a quick call, just to hear my voice. She is doing so much better now and in time, your daughter will too. It's good to let her teachers know what is going on. They can also help. Setting up play dates with others is a great idea.

    Some things that may help your daughter are:

    1. Write her a love note each day and color little flowers and hearts all over it. I do that with Nikki and it brings her many smiles. You can hide these under her pillow, in the bathtub, etc. Different places for her to find these sweet surprises.

    2. You can rainbow color a piece of paper and turn it into a little fan for her. Write her name all over it with little hearts.

    3. When you have to stay down, tell her you wish you were feeling better but right now you need to take care of your back. If you need to lay in bed, have her bring a coloring book with her and she can color next to you.

    4. If she is wanting your undivided attention, ask her to put in a favorite movie and you can watch it together. Tell her if you should fall asleep during the movie, it would be nice if she could stay and watch the movie while you slept. Tell her it's nice to have her near you, when you don't feel good.

    5. Ask to borrow one of her stuffed animals to cuddle with. Tell her that you think "so and so" (whatever stuffed animal) might help to make you feel a little bit better.

    6. Ask to trade pillows with her for a night, as you want to dream of happy thoughts of her and would like her to do the same with your pillow.

    7. Just as we kiss their "boo boo's" to make them feel better... ask her to kiss her finger and place the kiss on your back.

    I'll try to think of more ideas and I know others will, too.

    When we get angry and upset with others, we apologize to them. It's important for our little ones to do the same and I am glad she did this.

    It's a challenge for us with our younger ones. You aren't alone, Lisa, and remember... you are a loving mommy who is needed very much!

    Take good care,


  • Little kids don't always understand, they just want to party on. I think that talking to them and explaining as much as you can will help. Also, adding things like, it helps mom so much when you... (Put your own things away) etc., My daughter was older when things went south but my son was very young and quite a handful. Just explaining to them helps a lot, and tell them like do you remember how much it hurt when you fell and hurt your knee, or did whatever? Mom hurts too and I want to do such and such with you as much as I can, but it is hard for me to do things all of the time and I need to rest. They understand more than you know, but I think you have to take the time to splain it. At least that helped with my situation. Hope you feel better and don't be too hard on yourself. We all do the best we can and I doubt anyone can be harder on us than we can. Take care - Marion
  • I have to tell you, I have read many of your posts. You are probably one of the kindest people on here. Your words are always just right, soothing and kind. You should know you have an impact on people here. I know you do. You are a very thoughtful kind-hearted lady that has had plenty to deal with, but you always have a kind word for everyone.
    That's awesome! Marion
  • that was brilliant! So true..
  • Don't worry anymore, things will be okay. Your daughter loves you and she was just frustrated, wanting her old Mommy back, that's all. You do so much with your kids in spite of your pain, and you are a super mom to me. Once you have a family talk I'm sure that your daughter will understand, as well as your other child. She's just confused and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It will take some time for her to really understand and accept that certain things won't be the same again. But she'll always have you and nobody can take the place of her on and only Momma. Take care sweetie >:D<
  • Your post brought tears! And more tears when I read it to my hubby. I so relate! You are not alone, as evidenced by all of the replies. I have been fortunate enough to not hear those words, but I see it in their eyes. My kids are 8 and 13. Not only am I not able to do much with them, but they also have to do a lot to help me. So does my husband. It just kills me. I was once a woman who worked full time. I could grocery shop, unload the car, unload the groceries, then clean house, all in one day, no pain. I now need someone to go with me to the store, can only clean things that don't require me to bend down, I have a handi cap plaque, I can't dance any more, the list goes on.
    Your children in the long run, if not now, will understand. Even little people have bad days and just need to vent. :)
    Just know you are doing the best you can. And you are still doing so much, even though it causes you pain. That is totally courageous, and just goes to show what a good Mother you really are.

    Take care,

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