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how many of chronic intense pain "more than 5 yrs" think they would like to die

Disabled-DoctorDDisabled-Doctor Posts: 9
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:36 AM in Neck Pain: Cervical
I am 46 yr old, very smart doctor. Last job was associate professor univ. of Colorado. My pain started wn
hen I was 27, but became severe 10 years ago...after 3 surgeries 2 from the front and 1 from the back ended in disability in 2005.I resigned my job when I was 42. I do not know what to do!! IF I were a horse I would have been put down to end the suffering !!!!!


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    I guess I was sort of surprised at your comments.
    Doctors are suppose to save lives...
    If you are having these feelings, I would suggest contacting someone who you can talked to.
    None of us here are trained to deal with the deep emotional aspect of chronic pain and patients tendency to look to the very dark side
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • So are you looking for support, commiseration or information? I'm a bit confused as to the purpose of your post here.

    What type of surgeries?
    What caused your spine issues?

    A little more information will make it easier for others to associate with your situation.

    Yes many if not all chronic pain sufferers struggle with the idea of "putting the horse down" at some point. That's one of the reasons Spine Health is here. It gives us all a place to "talk" to each other and find out that we are not alone in our struggles. Gives us a place where we can be ourselves without being judged by those around us. It's a place to meet and make friends. It can be a life saver.

    Welcome to Spine Health.

  • Disabled-Doctor said:
    I am 46 yr old, very smart doctor. Last job was associate professor univ. of Colorado. My pain started wn
    hen I was 27, but became severe 10 years ago...after 3 surgeries 2 from the front and 1 from the back ended in disability in 2005.I resigned my job when I was 42. I do not know what to do!! IF I were a horse I would have been put down to end the suffering !!!!!
    Kind of strange you brought that up. I lost my career as a police officer due to my pain..I was 36 when I retired, 48 now doing medical transcription (hate it)..I also lost my marriage because I couldn't stand to see my husband put on that uniform and go to work every day...I hated him for it..

    I don't want to die per se, but I don't know that I would care if I did just to end the pain..My two boys were young when I got hurt and kept me going. I considered suicide right after the surgery the pain was so bad but they were so young I would never do that to them or any of my family..Now they are leaving the nest and I notice a whole new depression setting in..I'm jealous and proud as can be of one, he is joining my old department and my baby just left for NC state to go into engineering.. So now its just me and my dogs who keep me on my toes..I have fought this thing since 1993..All I can say is it stinks when you can't do the only job you loved..And it stinks more to walk around in pain every day...Mine is cervical pain so people don't realize how much pain I actually have. Only my true friends who notice I don't turn my neck the way everyone else does notice and only those who have gone through it understand what it is like to deal with a life of pain...

    Have you tried a good pain doctor? I had one who saved my life but he left the area and I can't find another one that I connected with like him. I also HIGHLY recommend NUCCA chiropractic, google it. Mine saved my life if you look at my comment under broken cervical plate you can see how he has given me my life back (until I broke the plate that is). Only go to a NUCCA chiropractor, I have tried many many others with no success. This guy has been a Godsend..

    Good luck and hang in there. I just found this forum this morning and unfortunately I found out I am not alone. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.
  • hello,
    Thank you for your reply. I am seeing a psychotherapist and I have benefited from that tremedously. I have had a previous posting, and I find this site extremely helpful. I made 2 friends in 2 days. One person, I am trying to empower with medical knowledge so he can get better care or at least better understanding of the disease.

    Finally, I have been thinking about writing a book as a patient and a doctor. One of the most important chapters would deal with the differentiation between Tolerance to medication and addiction. Most of us have to walk a fine line psychologically, and it affects self-image and esteem. Another chapter would deal with the Velonization of chronic pain sufferes by the medical community.

    I posted this to get a feel of how people think the suffering makes one lose hope or even care about life as it unfolds.


  • Duplicate post removed by moderator paulgla
  • Hi Diane,

    Thank you for sharing. I am new to this site, I had a previous and find it comforting to feel like you are not alone, and you are understood.

    More about my story was in a previos history. It is hard to write it , it hurts. Please find it.

    What is NUCCA? I will add you to my buddy list so we can talk more.

    Hang in there......Pray if you believe. Be well my friend.

  • Under which sub-heading did you post your story? I would like to read it.
  • i've had 45 yrs of pain and still like life...i guess i'm glad i'm not a horse. there are many in worse shape than me. you have to be thankful for what you do have.
    i'm happy to hear you have a need to write a book. when our minds are busy the pain goes to the background....pete
  • Hi Robert,
    NUCCA is a new chiropractic technique, no popping and cracking..He takes pictures of how your head sits on your spinal cord..Does all these exact measurements and then adjustments actually at about the level of your ear usually you can't feel them until your neck is really messed up like mine now it hurts a little...Then they use some kind of massage table to loosed and supposedly heal damaged disks. I don't know about the healing of the disk part but it does loosen you back.. My neurosurgeon even approved of it...Up until that stupid plate broke his remarks were "I don't know what this guy is doing but keep it up your entire spine has never been this loose." I have always been so spasmed out that it felt like there was a steel rod in my back..Check it on google..

    I'm not real good at navigating these sites but I will look for your story and try and figure out the buddy list...
    Thanks for the good wishes. I wish you well also..

    I try and keep my motto "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
  • gshephard wrote:

    I try and keep my motto "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

    My motto also...but sometimes it is hard to live by. Those are just the really bad days.
  • I just want to welcome you to SH and thank you for sharing some of your experience. A lot of us have lost friends, marriages, careers, homes, and the ability to function like we once have. At least here we have each other and there is plenty of support and friendship to go around. And it is normal to have feeling of anguish and deep despair but now you don't have to suffer all alone anymore. We look forward to getting to know you. Take care
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    Hi Robert,
    If you read my signature line (more like a novel) You can see that I've been at this a long time. I don't hold out any hope fore a "cure"
    I was forced to retire early and my entire life dissolved In front of me. When I found that there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. I will have to live my life out in chronic pain. The levels of pain change constantly.
    At first, I wanted to die. But that was something I could only dream about. Because suicide is just something so selfish, that I could not do that.
    But I would welcome death for quite some time. And actually would have relief with a death sentence of some sort for a very long time.
    Living with chronic pain, I was just going through the motions. And not really living.
    I can't really tell you what changed. But now I do want to live. I've been seeing a pain Phych. for a couple of years. And I've been on this site for a couple of years on and off. Reading more than posting. My meds are more stable. And with meds. I'm able to have some kind of Quality in my life, some of the time. And I've learned to accept that even with meds. not all days are good. And today is one of them.
    But I can't really put my finger on what changed my outlook. If I were pressed. I would have to say my pain psych. the right meds. acceptance. lessor expectations. And this site.
    Good luck, Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • In my case the pain and problems are from an accident that was in no way my fault. One minute I was heading to the cell phone store and the next I was in pain. My life is now consumed with doctors visits, physical therapy, massage therapy, lawyers appts and calls to the insurance company. I had a beautiful truck that was damaged in a way that made me trade it in instead of keeping it so now I owe on something I don't even have any more.

    All of this I could handle if there was true compensation. Today I spend hours every week on the phone making sure my no-fault insurance isn't cut off and that my own lawyer doesn't screw up the case. I keep going to work and hoping that my boss doesnt find out how much pain I am in and what I have to take to keep the pain bearable. The best I can hope for is that there will be a reasonable settlement that will make up for the lost earnings right now. In the future I can expect more problems (since there is no fix it can only get worse) and a fight to get disability when I can't work anymore. Then I can live out the rest of my life worrying about how I will live.

    I could retire right now and concentrate on caring for myself - if they would just send a check that would replace my salary and take care of the medical.
  • I guess I am finally going senile.
    Whatever it is I'm doing to create duplicate posts, I'll try to stop doing it. :/
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    Mine were work related accidents. I had to settle for pennies on the dollar. But I did get lifetime medical for my lower back.
    I always knew if I was to have any kind of financial security I'd have to make it myself.
    The money, I managed to replace, but that wasn't the point. It was my life that they took away. That I've found very difficult to replace!
    Good luck, Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • sorry to hear about your situation.chronic pain is the worst thing to deal with,some days i wish i were dead, but i say to myself,-my family-friends-and god-for whatever reason we are like we are is a big question. i myself am 43 and about worthless, with doing simple things,i am not happy about my situation. but i thank god for being alive...
  • Hey Robert, hang in there. I was so depressed when I had to live with this pain, I sometimes wished I could get put out of my misery. It a tuff situation, especially if you are normally active, and own your own company. We are all here for you if you need to talk or give me a pm. Hang in there..
  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,364
    17 y/o daughter - 14 y/o son and 10 y/o big yellow lab (and "THE PROGRAM" (Bill and Dr. Bob's)) are all that really keeps me going ...

    It is not death that I fear .... It is another day of life in pain - that scares the hope out of me.

    Suicide is a permenent solution to what is most typically a temporary problem. (many of our problems are not temporary - There is the rub).

    Spine-health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!

  • Metal

    SOmething in what you wrote made me think of a light at the end of the tunnel and then I thought of the broken traffic light near my home. WHat can I say - I'm a woman and things occur to me this way.

    As long as you are alive there is always hope - for a cure, for less pain, for all the good things that are part of life. But sometimes life is like a traffic light. You get green you are good to go. You get yellow you decide if you have time to go or should slow down. And red makes you stop for a while.

    If you think of life this way you know that after the red the light turns greeen again - if only for a little while.

    So -- may more of your days be green lights!!
  • One day, I was in excruciating pain. Had been for quite a while. In so much pain, in fact, I'd dropped a good 40 pounds or more. I was stuck in bed, I could not put any pressure on my right leg. Heck - I couldn't even stand up straight. Or stand on my own. I needed a cane to walk and something (anything) to lean on. Sitting was out of the question. I couldn't even drive myself anywhere.

    I kept thinking that my family would be better off without me. And the more I thought that, the more it seemed right. I had several bottles of prescriptions: Lortabs, Neurontin, Cymbalta, Ambien, left over Lyrica from a prescription I had but the medication did not set well with me...

    I grabbed all the bottles; was actually going to take all of them.

    Then the kids came home from school and both came in the room, jumped in the bed with me, proceeded to tell me all about their day, laughing and joking with each other and me.... and I thought "how can I leave this?"

    The next day, I got on the internet and typed in CHRONIC PAIN and found this website. Met a bunch of people in more pain than me, and as much pain, and some in less pain. Everyone had their story to tell. I learned alot from alot of people. Drew upon their experiences and ideas and input.

    You never know what a difference a day makes, or an hour, heck even a minute.

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