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A low low day.

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,670
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:36 AM in Depression and Coping
Unlike many of you, I'm not even in a lot of pain (not yet at least). I had a surgery on L4/L5 due to cauda equina but the surgery was 99% successful. 7 years without any worries and absolutely no pain. Now I find myself in a new country where I don't speak the language (makes for very interesting hospital visits!) - and in mild pain. The most worrying part is that my back feels like it's going to give out any minute. I'm walking around with a scarf tied around my waist because it helps a tiny little bit - but it makes me feel completely ridiculous.

We moved to this country with plans on exploring the Caucasus/hiking the lovely mountains etc, and now I feel like I can't do anything. I hate the way I feel, especially at night, when the fear creeps in. What if tomorrow I won't be able to walk? What if tomorrow when I get my MRI results back, it will show something that will undoubtedly get worse? What if I have to go back to Canada? We just got here, I don't want to leave already and begin a life in misery. I'm 23, been in a relationship for over a year and I feel like there's so much more to this life that I would like to do. The past few days however, have each taken a bit of hope away from me. I have a wonderful boyfriend who has been very supportive so far, but if this will begin a downwards spiral, I don't want him to go down with me. And at the same time, I don't want to find myself completely alone.

I don't KNOW what's wrong with my back yet, but I know that it's not good. I've been reading this website the entire day, and it looks like once you have a surgery, you're bound to have at least another one. 7 years with no pain after the first surgery should be considered a blessing. I just don't know how I can deal with it all if my life will suddenly change. I don't know if I am strong enough to overcome such a drastic life change.

I'm sorry for this rant - I just had to get it out. Thank you for listening. I hope whoever reads this is having a better day.


  • Explore what you can. dont let fear rule, you will feel down its a part of thge process, but you can vbounce back up too. stay positive regardless of the outlook, fight for the light, it will be like a warm house on a cold dark day. All the tools to do this are inside you, tools, coz you learn to use them and build a new life. luck to ya!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Welcome to Spine Health! Since you are referring to an MRI, should we assume that you just had one? In that case, try not to worry before you even know the results, who knows, maybe it is not as bad as you expect. Meanwhile, how about doing some core exercises to make your back muscles stronger, but carefully so you don't cause any harm. If you need further medical attention, would it be possible for you to return to Canada for treatment? But hopefully you may not need it, isn't it possible that you hurt your muscles? Right now, don't try to imagine the worst. Let us know what happens, meanwhile try to stay positive.

    Wishing you that your problem is only temporary, and you can begin your adventure in the new country.

    Good luck,

  • hi and welcome to the forum! :H we are here to offer you support and answer what questions we can. i can see the fear in your post. you are wise to be moving ahead of the fear and gathering what information you need to make a wise decision. take one step at a time.. nothing drastic has happened yet so your boyfriend will be with you for awhile it seems. you have access to medical care and can get a diagnosis as well as the care you might need.so please relax and let this run its course. good luck! :D Jenny :)
  • Hello all,

    Thanks for the positive comments. I went and had my MRI checked by a doctor. A bulging disc at L4/L5. Doctor did all sorts of tests on me and everything seemed relatively okay. He said the bulge is relatively small. I asked him if there's quite a bit of chance that this disc will slip out even more and herniate (some sites say that a herniation and bulge are the same? Am I wrong here?), and he said that the damage has already been done. I'm a bit confused by that, but ok. Since his english was just OK, I figured maybe he didn't know how to explain it.

    Anyway, he told me I need to loose weight and made me feel horrible - saying that any person my weight would be terribly concerned. Well, I am and have been pretty much all my life. I wish doctors would rephrase the way they tell patients that they need to lose weight. I am obese by any standards, but I wouldn't call myself morbidly obese - I am also very tall and big boned. Also, he signed me up for physiotherapy. I've read some horror stories... but he said that there is a good chance of the disc sliding back in with some physiotherapy. Somehow, this sounds wrong to me.

    What do you guys think? Shall I seek a second opinion?
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