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Our Families/Caregivers

lisa burekllisa burek Posts: 855
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:37 AM in Chronic Pain
Hi Spineys,

I just PM'd Straker and part of what I wrote was to ask how his wife is doing through all of his problems.

That got me thinking about how our families deal with our pain issues, be it dealing with chronic pain, or recovery from a difficult surgery, etc.

While it may be our personal struggle with the pain and all it may bring, it also can have such an impact on our loved ones. I know I sometimes feel guilty for the things we don't do anymore. I'm lucky that my spouse is so helpful and understanding, but sometimes I just wish he would say something like "this stinks for all of us"...

Any thoughts?


  • sometimes i think i would feel better if my partner would just say "this stinks and i hate it!" but he has never said a word like that to me. he is always there to pick my sadness up, hold my hand when i am so ill, and often lives the life of a homebody just like i do. i could never get through this last bout of illness without John and my spiney friends!!! Love to all, Jenny
  • I personally feel worse when my "not necessarily better, but physically better" half (LOL) says that it sucks. He has only said it a couple of times. He's the one I look to for comfort, and need him to be strong for me and pick me up, and hearing that, just keeps me down. That's just me. It also bothers me to hear my mom say that as well, as she has two daughters that have physical problems (my sister has MS). When she says she wished her daughters were healthy and able, it just tears my heart out, as I know it does hers.
    I'd rather have people focus on the positive, than the negative. I say "this sucks" to myself enough, without having other people say it, too. But they do deserve to say it for their own sake, especially my John, when I'm not up to go out and do things with him.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Hi Jenny and Kelly,

    I can agree with both of you, I think that is why I posted this. I would feel bad (already do!) if my husband stated how "this stinks", but at least I would feel like he was being honest. He knows about my "burden" issues, so I don't think he would ever say anything.
    On the other hand I know how fortunate I am to have his support. By no means am I complaining, I just think our support people can also be under duress, and how do we deal with it is important. Am I making sense??
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,856
    I've been dealing with chronic pain now longer than I wish to remember. As far back as when I was 15, I started having back problems.
    Now, closing in on 59, I do realize that after all the surgeries, all the flare ups, all the 'cant dos' and so much more that impacts spineys, that the person who really deserves the credit is my wife.
    We are given our medications, we are given our exercises, etc, but our primary caregiver what are that given?

    As part of as pre-retirement move, we relocated to a lake community that has its own private golf course, tennis courts and we have our own marina.
    We both wanted to spend time enjoying all of these..
    But, as my spine detoriated and we realized that I probably can never play golf, or tennis, I was angry because of what I couldnt do.
    My wife, who is healthy, would only find other things for us to do as married couples. She threw away here own desires to play golf, learn tennis,etc.

    My wife is the one who keeps me in control. To make sure I dont do anything stupid (like working too much in the garden)

    I know that if it wasn't for my wife, I would at this stage in my chronic pain, hardly be able to walk, sit, talk or whatever.

    I owe it all to her patience and unconditional love.

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I think all of our support people deserve so much credit for being there; gently (or not) scolding us when we overdo, helping out with household stuff, shopping, and rearranging their expectations for our future life and the changes we need to make.

    I know if the tables were turned I would be just as supportive, I guess you are right, its unconditional love and patience.
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