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Marriage = Second Marriages

dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,832
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:38 AM in Matters of the Heart
I just cant help but seeing that I've read so many posts regarding folks in their second marriage.
From what I've read, these people seem to be in second heaven, their relationships are so solid and both parties are so happy.
Some one once told me that you can really never understand the person you live with until you have lived with someone else before.
I know that marriage can be a roller coaster ride, sort of like our chronic pain... There are good times there are bad times, but for whatever reason, second marriages seem to be filled with only good times.
I am just curious about this
Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com


  • make the post third marriages and you have me lol ;)

    I guess some of us ( meaning myself lol ) are slower learners :B
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • as most of you know i am waiting to get started on my first marriage after being together for 29 years!! :X yes, i always thought i felt like i was married but now that i have a ring and will be going through vows, i see it differently. i am going to be married and can't hardly wait.. so, i will have to let you know about second marriages, i have yet to have one!!!LOL!! L, Jenny :)
  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    Hi Ron

    My story but not my advice LOL

    Sometimes people like me jump out of the frying pan into the fire. After I divorced my second husband I was asked by a Hindu neighbour had my marriage been arranged, I told her no,it was not our culture, I then said jokingly but if I did ever marry again it would be someone else who chose the husband for me, as I was no good finding my own men. At that time little did I know 6 yrs later I would be married, my husband was chosen by a friend, I was married in Morocco within 2 weeks of meeting, that was 8 yrs ago. I feel so lucky I have met a great guy who I am happy to spend the rest of my life with.

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • A Moroccian wedding? Liz, that must have truly been something to witness! Would you have any pictures you could share with us? What did you wear? That's just way too cool!

    I got married in Vegas.... Elvis walked me down the aisle... That was great too!

    Second marriages/second bliss... hmmm. Some days, Ron, those phrases just don't seem to go together. But for the most part.... they do.

    I think the reason things are better the second time around range from "being older and wiser" to knowing what went wrong the first time and being sure it doesn't happen again (older and wiser, I guess!).

    In my case, I believe (truly) that my second marriage could not have happened without the first.

    My first husband and I were both born/raised in Baton Rouge. In our third year of marriage, we moved 15 miles south to a little town called Prairieville, LA. This was a few years after things in our marriage started to sour and he became controlling and abusive (emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically - in that order). I had begun "living my own life" with my own friends - against his objections. He didn't want me to have friends of my own - after all, I may find out from them what a jerk I was married to!

    After 5 years of pure hell, I left. Never looked back.

    My current husband is from the area to which we moved. Through the friends I made while living there, I met him. I did not fall head over heels for him. But after we dated a few times I met his family. His family is wonderful and made me think that this guy had a great upbringing. His father respects and deeply loves his wife (and vice-versa) and this example would surely follow any of his siblings into their married lives.

    My hubs and I both made baaaaad choices the first time around. But those bad choices brought us together and here we are. (sigh...)

    I'm sorry - what was the question?
  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832

    I have been asked during the past few months for photos of my wedding, I need a scanner as they are pre digital camera (in my case) and on camcorder. I have not yet been able to buy a scanner here, my friend gave me his but of course minus the software disc, it took weeks for him to remember the scanner so I am sure it will be next year before he finds the disc LOL, so I will get my own scanner from UK. ASAP


    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • i as few others am on my 2nd and last ..
    in a few days it will be 10 yrs..and we have had ffun times alot hard.
    i was a happy divorced single mom and after many yrs alone i went to a church carnival and saw my h.s.first love and he saw me...
    and we havent been apart since.
    i had kids he had none after his 20yrs marraige..
    i said i have enough to share and then we had a mircle our son together..
    yes i am blessed and he has seen me thru alot..just going thru this pain again..he's just tired of it..
    and this cronic pain and new stuff fibro..we shall see if we can pull thru..
    love is a funny thing...
    cronic pain..and marraige very challengin ..
    i wish for happy days like they use to be hmmm
    sometimes hard to recall..
    i know for me i need to work on stuff alot more...
    good topic ron
    i did learn alot 1st time and i did it all on my own for long time before doing marraige again...
    i hope never to go for 3x...

    good day to all
    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,832
    on this topic. There were several reasons for posting this. One, just from casual topics, I saw that there were many people on their second marriage. Two, the overall strain and impact that chronic pain can have on a family. I've read so many posts here about divorces after long years of pains, upcoming marriages postponed or forgotten about and many other couple related hardships.
    The medical field spends a lot of time figuring out how to deal with our medical pain, but so many times, nothing is done about our emotional pain. For some couples, the person living with physical pain has it easier than the person having to deal with all the emotions. There are so many different medications that a person in physical pain can take, there is only so much those in emotional pain can take.
    Is one person stronger or weaker? Is one situation better or worse??
    I know personally, that having to live in chronic pain for over 30 years, it has taken its toll on my family life. I am blessed though with a family that has never given up on me, so I am one of the lucky ones.
    I just figured it would be good to have a post that doesnt directly talk about about medical problems, but hits upon things even more important to our lives
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • marriage has lasted over 21 years! We did have a short separation, mostly due to the difficulties of being step parents. We've become best friends. I can't imagine living without him. He has been so supportive of me through my pain and surgeries.

    Jeaux, someday you and I both will get to see those pictures of Liz's wedding. I have heard the story and it is fascinating! I hope Liz you get a scanner on your next trip to England.

    Best to all,

  • My husband and I were high school sweethearts who fell in love working at Krogers Grocery. Shortyly after graduation we found ourselves pregnant and broken!! Scare and lost but we had supportive families. I remember his mom telling that I HAD to marry him!! I said "Marry him, I don't even like him right now and I need to deal with have a child who will be the most important part of my life!" We hung in there, continued our relationship and he joined the Navy. We married when our daughter was 18months old- she is getting ready to turn 18 years old very very soon- we have weathered so pretty tough storms but together we have gotten through them and we have grown up together spending more then 1/2 our lives together. We are still in the Navy- and we are still going strong. He is supportive of my chronic pain and never waivers in taking care of me. 20 years has been all bliss but its be truly rewarding- we still hold hands in public, he still opens my door, we still laugh together but above all we love and respect each other unconditionally through and through. My mom is on her 2nd husband- a man whom I love dearly and they have been together for 35 years. So for those who find true love, embrace it and enjoy the ride of a lifetime! To my Navy Man- who I fell so deeply in love with 20 yrs ago- I love him more today then I did back then!!~
  • I married my first husband when I was 18, I thought I knew what love was at that point. Looking back, I wouldnt marry that young again. My first marriage ended up by my husband cheating one me. There was alot of physical and emotional abuse. I had my children out of that marriage, a 20 year old son and an 18 year old daughter, both whom I love to death. Theyre the only good things that came out of my first marriage. Being that young, I think all I wanted was the dream, a hubby who loved me, a house, pets, cars, kids...etc. I also wanted outta my home situation. I was married to my first husband for 15 years, the last three we were separated because I couldnt afford a divorce so when I met my second husband, I was still married to my first.
    My second husband, became my best friend. I met him online, he lived in Ohio...I lived on PEI in Canada. He's a little older than me, 10 years to be exact.
    We met in a chatroom actually. Knowing I was separated, he msg'd me and told me he was going through the same thing and if I ever wanted to talk he was there. His wife had cheated on him and he was waiting for his divorce to go through. From the first time we talked until this day he really is my best friend in the whole world.
    I never met a man like him before. We talked back and forth both online and the phone for along time and eventually fell in love. He has two children as well that live with him. He has a 20 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. He helped me get divorced, get me to the states where we got married less than a week later. My children live here now as well.
    I think that this time around, I'm content with my life. My husband is truely my soul mate, he completes me perfectly.
    We've been married for going on 5 years now and everyday is better than the one before. We just fall more and more in love. =)
    I hope everyone has someone like this to spend their forever with ....
  • After 13 years - the only thing that makes sense-is to say that my EX was in a car accident. The person I saw after the summer of 1998 was not the person I had known for the previous 13 years. Anyway - The X moved out- wanted nothing to do with the kids. They were 9 and 5 at the time. I kept trying to put things together and get a separation agreement fixed. Well got that all done and kept reading the books from John Gray - Mars/Venus - I recommend them! My EX kept telling me that I was suppose to read them - so that "You'll be fixed". LOL - you have to see humour - even in hard difficult times!

    So - months after I got things sorted out for the kids, I met someone. We had known each other - we had both hung out with our mutual friends, but never crossed paths - until now. Now for those of you that are wondering what you really want in life - make a list of it - list 10 things you want in a mate. 2 dates previous - never went past a first dinner - I was not going to settle for anything! So I had a purpose to this! Anyway - I met CN just before Xmas 99. Since the kids were going to have Xmas in different places - I got a tree - and let the kids do all of the decorating themselves. It was funny as heck - but the kids were really proud of their effort, I was too.

    Now- in a second relationship - you have the knowledge of how to fix things that use to baffle me. I always treated my partner with respect - but never had it returned to me- this second time, I was looking to have a complete- reciprocal relationship. Do I - yes - I to work at it, because I know that it takes work.

    Our wedding bands are sterling silver bands - that I made[ I am a jeweler as well] - I made them from sterling - because as you know - sterling tarnishes - if you don't keep polishing it. So it is a determined reminder to us both - to always keep working on the relationship - just as we need to polish the rings.

    I have always known that CN is a gift, one that I deeply appreciate and accept the responsiblity for looking after her. [I know - it the prince charming thing in my psyc]

    Anyway - cheers! C45
  • I am coming up on my 30th anniversary. I married at 17. My husband said that he knew he would marry me the first time that he laid eyes on me. We were best friends and lovers. In my opinion you must be friends in order to be lovers. Anyway we are definitely soul mates and one could not do without the other. My mom has always teased us that we are joined together at the hips. I have always considered myself very lucky to have met the love of my life at such a young age. We grew up together and have no regrets.
  • on the first marriage, don't plan on a second.

    "Always in motion is the future".
    -- Yoda

    Sorry, Blame "C" for the Yoda Quote, hers had me search out more :D Anyway, 22 years of marriage and I have learned respect, kids are a PIA, Dogs get old, Cats go to the bathroom on the floor when they are mad at you...Cats, also won't say what they are mad about. My wife could be a cat somedays...

    Dyer,Covey maybe one of the others, or even one of those study groups did a "study". What they found is surprising, taking abuse out of the equation, couples who divorced and couples who stayed together BOTH had the same level of happiness 5 years later.

    Someone also said that even if you no longer like your spouse you can mentally Choose to love them. Just remember you loved them and what you loved about them, it will come back to you.

    I take both these messages to heart anytime we hit a rough patch in the road. For the rough patches I always try to think "this to shall pass".

  • the wedding band thing is sooooo sweet. My second marriage we had our band inscribed with the phrases...'Lost Without Out' in mine and 'Lost Within You' in his. We also wrote our own vows, which the minister told us were the most touching vows he's ever heard...even better than his.

  • Ron, it was my second(and last) marrage that was horrid. Like Jeaux and her first husband, my second husband was very, very abusive. I KNEW he was going to murder me, I just did not know what day it would be. My first thoughts every morning were....is today the day I will be killed?
    It took 3 loooong years to get away from hem. I had nothing but the clothes on my back and my little dog. It took much longer to recover from the trama and abuse I suffered.
    But I must tell you this story.
    One afternoon a man called and asked my name, how long I had live here, if my last name was my maiden name. I was about to hang up but he begged me to stay on the line. For the past 35 years he had been looking for a girl who had the same name as mine and he wanted to know if I was that girl. He had met her one time at a party she had gone to with a group of friends. He had danced with her several times. Later she wanted to go home but her friends were not ready to leave so he drove her home, dropped her off at her house, she thanked hem and they never saw each other again. But he could not forgot her. She was the prettiest girl he had ever seen with pretty blue eyes and long wavy hair. For 35 years he had been looking for her, hoping some day to meet her again. All these years he had dreamed about her. Was I that girl? Yes.

    I was 19 then....he was 21. Dreams do come true.

    Shucks Jeaux...I forgot the question too!

    Cheers :H
    Patsy W
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    And in July it will be 35 years. We couldn't live without each other.
    But I was told by a spiney friend that the divorce rate for people with spine fusions was 60% You definatly have to care deeply and be best friends to survive!
    My wife is my rock! And jeaux, that's' one you can't have! LOL
    Good luck, Jim :X :D
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • we met when i was 14 and he was 18, after 1 week i wrote a note saying he had to marry me and got him to sign it and my mum witnessed the letter.
    he thought i was joking but when i was 18 we got married.
    we have been together for 30 yrs and on news years eve he asked me if i would re-new our vows, i said YES.
    my mum still has that note i wrote.
    its not always been sweetness and light but he is the love of life and i could not imagine living without him, bless
  • Caught your attention on that one, huh? LOL!

    My husband had a bad experience with his first wife. I'm 12 years younger and had never even given marriage a serious thought until I met my husband. But I did fall head over heels for him! He proposed to me 34 years ago on Valentine's day! Luckily, for me, he took a chance on giving marriage a 2nd chance and I didn't give him a chance to change his mind! LOL, so we'll be married 34 years come Sept. and we're here for the long haul, for better or worse!My family loves him and I love his family and they love me! So far we've made it through all the ups and downs. He didn't think I'd fall apart before him(neither did I!LOL)but between us we both have had our ups and downs. We laugh that at least we take turns so far so we can take care of each other!LOL! I just wonder where the past 34 years went!How did I get old enough to be married this long and where is my old,healthy body? Maybe this is a dream and I'll wake up to find us younger,healthy, pain free and the kids stll little! LOL! I can dream, can't I?

  • That's funny Leftback.

    Great Thread Ron Thanks! I spent the night the other night in the ER with complications from a surgery. I cried. Not from the complications but because of what I thought I was putting my husband through. I just kept begging him to JUST GO HOME. of COURSE he wouldn't and he got mad at me for feeling guilty, blah blah blah...

    I too, am much younger than my husband. My first his second marriage. 27 years and still going strong. Although, and I hesitate to even start a sentence with a qualifier after that previous statement, going through all this pain and health problems can really be trying on a relationship. He's Ok with it. I'm the one continually feeling guilty for what I feel like I'm putting him through. Does that make sense?

    We still giggle together, we are still affectionate, hold hands in public, and are truly firends. He just does so much for me ALL THE TIME. The kids are FINALLY showing signs of leaving, ALMOST, and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. EMPTY NEST SYNDROME? Don't threaten me with a good time!

    Hmmmmm....So it's my first his second. Ahh..Is anyone keeping track? Male? femaile? 1st? 2nd? (I think I heard a few 3rd ones the charm.)

    Maybe we just have to find the right person at the right time in our lives? I do know one thing. I preach this to my kids. (I'm not crazy enough to think they get it yet.) You cannot find your happiness in others. You must find it within yourself.
    If you can then share that happiness with someone else, well than your are then even more blessed.

    Happiness must be found 1st within.

    Umm...I', with Jeaux and Pat. What was the question?

  • Just to carry on the theme of age differences.
    I am 6.5 years younger than my wife. First marriage for both of us 22.5 years now, but who's counting (seems longer).

    anyway, my wife says she's old and I'm decrepit :O
  • My wife and myaself half been married for 23 yrs,together for 28.We've had our ups and downs ofcourse.We'vwe got 2 wonderful kids and 3 precious grandkids.I can't remember Not being with her.She is the reason I can deal with this pain on a daily basis.Thanks for the thread,makes me remember how good a life I really have!! Mark
  • I'm only married 5 years (togehter 8) but I plan on this being my one and only. Got married a little later in life

    I don't think it has to do with living with someone (though that does make some sense). I think it has to do with being self-aware and sometimes we want something so badly that we overlook what we may know about ourselves or our Significant other and 'give marriage a chance'.

    The other element is how people handle stress, children, family, etc.

    My husband and I don't have children. Are things perfect? I'd like to say yes but they are not. We have good and bad days.

    You are right that me with pain is probably easier than him to see me in pain and try to balance 'making sure I don't overdo it' with balancing my need for 'independence'.

    But we laugh together. We talk together. We take stupid little trips to the store...just to make sure we take time together. And we have our own hobbies that make us happy as individuals.

    I don't think it take more than 1 marriage. But marriage is something society impresses upon people as being a 'status symbol' and people feel pressured to get married "or something must be wrong with them". The reality is, marriage shoul enrich your life not complete it. My life would be complete and happy with or without my husband. My Husband is someone who makes all that a more enriching experience.
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