My surgery was six months ago and I’m feeling very depressed. Some of the symptoms have returned and doc said that there is not much more he can do besides control the pain with meds so I have to learn to deal with what god has given me. I was a very active person up to June of 2008 when running with my pit bull did my back in for good. Since then I have not been able to do much besides sit around and be bored out of my skull. I though there was a little hope with surgery (May 2009) even when they told me this was salvage or damage control and not to get my hopes of having my normal life back. I did not want to accept that because I am a very stubborn person but it looks like they were right after all. Damn!!!! So here I sit depressed as ever!!! I walk two times a day and that’s even hard, legs feel like jello when I return home. I am so sick of others asking how I’m doing because I feel like their only asking out of politeness and not because they really care. How many times do you have to hear someone complain before you’re sick of it!!! The only ones who understand are the ones who have gone through it themselves. I have alienated my friends because of my injury, and spend my entire day home by myself. No one calls because they don’t want to hear that my back hurts. And then there’s always those who occasionally see me with a cane or wc on really bad days who say “did you do something to aggravate it”, no idiot, I had major back surgery, it’s never going to get better!! People think because I had surgery that I should be out running marathons already. And please don’t say it still early in the process, doc says I will continue to heal but I have to realize that I have a long list of limitations because of the nerve damage in my legs.
Most days I try to put on a good face at 3:00 when my kids get home from school and try to be a normal mom until 9:00 the whole time hating myself because all I want to do is lay down because I’m in pain. My husband is a great guy (way better then most) and tries to comfort me by saying "it is what it is and we are going to get through this together." But I feel I’m cheating him out of a chance for a normal life. He has taken all household responsibilities on himself besides working a 40 hr a week job. He’s even afraid to touch me because every time he does, I end up laid out for days at a time secretly crying to myself. I can’t do the normal everyday things that others take for granted. I have no one to talk to about how I’m feeling because their all sick of hearing it and my husband has strong views when it comes to the word “depressed”. So where does that leave me? If it wasn’t for my children, I would have driven my car into an oak tree by now but my luck I would live and be worse off then I am now!!(won't do anything stupid). I’m going to ask doc for stronger pain meds and maybe a tends unit to see if that helps. Thanks for letting me vent everyone. Being depressed is new to me and it’s great to know that I’m not alone in this struggle.