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I'm so tired

yasminayyasmina Posts: 166
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:38 AM in Depression and Coping
of dealing with it all.

I have residual pain from my fusion surgery 2 years ago - better than it was, but not perfect. I can't walk or stand for long periods of time.

I have stomach and esophageal ulcers with metaplasia.

I am having problems with my cervical spine now, including numbness and tingling in the right arm

I've been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and anxiety, and take 300 mg. Effexor and Abilify 5 mg. I don't think these are working.

If it wasn't for my kids, I would seriously end it. I hate myself. No, I'm not planning to do anything, so no worries, just wishing I could. Sometimes the pain in my heart and in my head is overwhelming.

thanks for listening to me rant.


  • yasmina-

    I just wanted to reach out to you and say "I understand". I have similar issues with the depression/anxiety (I'm BiPolar but primarily depressive, not so much manic) as well as the back/body pains & tummy issues (have IBS, GERD & ulcers as well). I understand how it feels to wish you could just "end it all" but know that you cant, especially for the sake of the children.

    I don't have any magical words to make you feel better, but I just felt I had to reach out & let you know that I truly, honestly, with all of my heart, understand.

    *Extra special hugs* for you-& prayers as well.
  • Don't hate yourself. This is NOT your fault. I just came to this board tonight because I too am tired -- exhausted from the residual pain, stiffness, injury. I'm better than I was pre-surgery, but the whole situation just sucks. I want my life back. Stay strong for your kids. Keep pushing until you find someone who will help with your pain and depression issues. I take 60 mg of Cymbalta, and I'm not sure it's enough. I'm a bit of a mess emotionally, but I will get through. Keep talking here and keep looking for help. We're here to listen.

    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,858
    but always remember that you still have whats inside of you.
    Things could always get real bad and the things you can not escape from.
    Botton line, you are stll alive and kickng. That is what really makes the differnce.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Ime right there with you mam. how bout we take a walk together with some friends of mine and talk? Emt has been there, so have too many of us left behind after the fall. keep that chin up and raise those fists up into the spiney foo position, chin down, hands up and keep swinging!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • OH, I forgot to mention that now that I'm off work, and it looks like I'm taking disability retirement, my husband thinks that I'm going to be the official housekeeper. Yes, things need to be done, No, I can't do them, or it puts me in bed for 12 hours. Scrubbing the hardwood floors is likely what precipitated my cervical problems. I slipped on the Murphy's Oil soap I was using and my right arm and shoulder took the brunt. That's when the pain and tingling started.

    I've also started writing, so that is basically my job now. I am working AT HOME. He doesn't understand that. He whines and complains about the housework, but doesn't understand that when I'm home, I'm actually working.

    OK rant over. :)
  • I am sorry for your pain. I think all of have hit rough patches (some more than others) and its natural to be depressed about the situation.

    As Ron said, you are still here. Think about the positives and maybe about the things you CAN do. I think its great that you have found a new job writing and can do the work at home: that is terrific!!

    Its OK to feel sorry for yourself or down. But don't dwell on it. I myself just had a short pity-cry beacause my morning was pretty awful and the pain just made it that much worse. But I've stopped now and feel better coming to this site to be with others who are such great support. It also makes me feel better to reach out to others that maybe I can post something that helps them.

    As for the housecleaning: no one was on their death-bed and wished they had dusted more. If its that important tell your hubby to help clean (are the kids old enough to help?) I know money is tight for so many, but maybe a cleaning service, even once a month, might help (wow, I wish me and every spiney and neckie had cleaning done for them).

    Anyway, I hope my post has helped you in some small way. Oh yeah, check with your Dr. about those depression meds. Maybe you need a different dosage or med. Tell him/her what you told us. Posting here can be very cathartic. Take care, Lisa
  • yasmina said:

    If it wasn't for my kids, I would seriously end it. I hate myself. No, I'm not planning to do anything, so no worries, just wishing I could. Sometimes the pain in my heart and in my head is overwhelming.
    I SO understand how you feel. I have these thoughts everyday while I try to struggle though another day at work. Anymore, even on good days (as far as pain goes), the sense of hopelessness remains because I know it is only a matter of time before the pain takes hold again.

    But then I go home and see my two awesome little girls and my wife and how much they love me and I know I could never do anything to harm myself.

    I don't know what my future holds, but knowing that my family will be there is the key. Regardless how much pain I am in or how hopelessly depressed I am, I always know that they will love me and I WILL have good times with them... that is the part of my future I have to focus on... those special magic moments that my pain cannot steal from me no matter what.

    Good luck to you and remember those moments!
  • up in your time of sadness. I am sorry you are down, I am sorry you are in pain. But the blessing in all of this is that you are still living, you have your children to look forward to. Depression hurts the entire family. Chronic pain is horrible and its adjustment of lifestyle that is so hard sometime to accept. Write a couple of lists- one side every single good thing/blessing that has happened to you and on the other side write down all the bad things that have happend to you. Take the bad list and burn, shredd or throw it away- be done with the bad stuff and the bad frequency- keep that list of blessing in a place were you will see over and over- focus on the blessings list and hopefully your heart will be lifted and you will smiling soon!!

    Take care, your kids need their mom as much as their mom needs them- That sounds like a blessing to me- see I already started your list! LOL

  • I'm Bipolar type II, pretty much diagnosed it myself after 15 years of circling around the drain on different antidepressants. I would find one I thought was working and then feel OK in 6 months or so and stop taking it, or it would stop working. I hit a website about depression and Bipolar disorder and when I started reading and hit the section on Bipolar type II I went "holy crap, that is me"! Next trip to my shrink once we had talked for I bit I came out and asked him. I could see the lightbulb go off in his eyes the minute I said it. I've been on Lamictal for about 2 months now and feel better than I have for years. I'm sorry, I'm stealing your thread, so I'll stop about the bipolar.

    I have run the whole suicide thinking, everything.
    There was only one thing that kept me from it when I was younger, fear of god, not that I'm a stout believer or even have a firm religious preference, but I was so afraid of going to hell and being there FOREVER. I always thought, I don't think I believe, but what if I'm wrong!

    When I got older I was having decent spell and actually managed to get married and have to wonderful sons, spent 11 years as a stay at home dad. Now, I could not EVER think of leaving that stigma behind, NEVER. besides I finally have general ok feeling. The pain is there, it can get nasty at times, shoulder, cervical and back pain. I take valium and flexeril daily. I fought the pain, ended up with a partial shoulder replacement due to Osteonecrosis and an SCS when the partial still left me with pain. What I realised, after much fighting, was that the depression was more danger to me than the pain. After 3 years of pain, I knew/know I can live with it. I simply have been doing that so I guess I can continue to do so.

    I tend to write these long posts and not hit post. I'll go ahead and post this one.

    Please know you are not alone, take your husband to a doctors appt if you have not. Hearing things from a third party often does wonders. I hope you can find answers to your pains and get them under control soon.

    sorry for "W"rambling on so...
  • husband is that concerned about the housework, he can either do it himself or hire some help. Good grief - what is so wonderful about a spotless house anyway? I go for that lived-in feeling.

    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • lsteller said:
    husband is that concerned about the housework, he can either do it himself or hire some help. Good grief - what is so wonderful about a spotless house anyway? I go for that lived-in feeling.

    I agree, here is one suggestion on that subject. I did group therapy about 10 years ago, a few guys and mostly ladies in the group. We discussed the fact that it is easier to get a guy to do something if you give him choices, I know, we are stubborn animals (guys that is). The idea is to say, could you please help with the dishes, or, fold the laundry? If we hear, do it yourself, wash the dishes, etc; We tend to turn into stubborn mules, thick headed and all. I apologize for this trait. I try to help out, even though I am the damaged one. :?
  • I too WORK from home now that I can no longer be active in the family biz. It took forever to get this work at home thought through my hubby's head - and yes there are days he still does not get it ~X(

    FINALLY I made a list of household to do chores that I should not do without having a major price to pay. Then he & I create a chore list around it.

    My new title is crock -pot queen :O) as that is the only home made type meals I can cook. He has the bathroom and kitchen area and I can handle a dusting and pick up through the rest of our place.

    We don't have kids at home so that does make a difference.

    How old are your children? Can they too help with the chores?

    Even with this plan there are days he still gets upset over what I can not do while sitting around the house @) I have had to learn to not allow him to guilt me into doing things I know will hurt me.

    Hang in there and know you are not alone >:D<
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Uh, excuse me... but you weaned yourself off those patches?
    You are a trooper! It must be true that women have a higher tolerance for pain than men. I had to go cold turkey because of worker's comp Dr's death. That was three months of pure hell besides the pain of a fail back fusion l-4to S-1.

    It's been 8 years of pure hell and my heart goes out to anyone that has any type of pain and still looks ok to the public? Here is a list of things that have helped me.

    1)use a air mattress,break up the constant use of the same bed
    2) whatever it takes, get some deep sleep at night to heal
    you body...even sleeping pills.
    3) don't sit in the same chair daily.
    4) pain meds makes your body toxic...it makes the pain worse. I use a natural liver cleanse.
    4) BenGay patches
    5) get a MRI standing up or sittng. Horizonal MRI'S miss
    problems. Please read UCLA's study. 38% are missed diag.
    6) stretching exercises.
    7) hopefully you have a supportive spouse..I'm one of the lucky ones.
    8) please be careful of the fenanyl patches

    I hope that one of these points helps you.

    Take care, MIke

  • I feel for you i get so depressed at times terrible i am on sum kinda meds for it .. but sfter 2 back surgeries 10 screw later i try to move on but it is hard and my company keeps sending me to these doctors i have lote of burning pain it starts in the groin area and goes to my knees and buttocks, horrable pain i was for 2 day doing a physic eval, checking my brain and memory 8 hourd=s each never havew done this soo awefull the 3 monthe ago i went and the doc said f--- fusions do not work and injection wre denied but i was approved for water i have been in the water 7 months already i need this radiofrequency joint injection because i have so much metal thay have to know me out,, i try to be happy but how can i the pain work status al i want is to go to work lite duty because i can sit/stand... but not knowing is killing me i hardly aleep cannot focus, being treated like shit, i never asked to get hurt what r they planning for me next, do noot need this dram have been seeing A SHRINK SINCE MARCH WHEN I FOUND OUT ONE OF THE CAGES SHIFTED 5MM GO FIGURE!!! I HATE THIS FEELING
  • Yasmina,
    In telling us it does help you, nobody here is designed to be able to cope with all of this all the time and keeping all the plates spinning at the same rate, without some impending problem very difficult. We expect ourselves to keep going and that in reality is just not possible, even when we have all the skills and knowledge of what and how to do it, practically it is almost impossible.

    We are all on the spectrum of so tired, perhaps the key is to address those current aspects that are imminent and leave the plates without need of any assistance to keep going for the moment. In knowing which to address we have to decide for us what is important and cope with them individually rather than being understandably overwhelmed in trying to improve them all at the same time, which is so hard. In prioritising what is important we then have to plan how to make things better in the short term, this is a constant process of monitoring, evaluation and planning and is not easy. We all feel down and you have depression that has taken time to develop and will take equal time to improve, for some, circumstance will not change and we have to do our best with what we have.

    Our children look to us for guidance and encouragement that in itself is hard and with continual pain even more so, you are doing well in explaining your issues and trying to improve your situation, you have success every day and your current status will improve over time, with help and support. In truth we all have that enough moment, as the peaks and troughs of survival continue, you do have a plan and working with those who can help you, what things can you do to make it better, using all our energy for limited results is frustrating and if you survive pain every day, you already have the capacity to improve.

    My own three children are tainted by this ongoing condition and I do try for it not impact on them more than it needs too, it is not easy they did not ask for this to be part of growing up and my responsibility is to be strong for them.

    You should not hate yourself as you have nothing to be guilty for, you are a mom, a provider, supporter, wife, a carer to others, those are great gifts to share, you are doing the best you can with what you have been given.

    Hopefully this is just a phase and things will improve with the correct support and encouragement, you are as normal as any of us, many have been at this point and know how it feels and do understand your frustration.

    Take care… John

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