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how ppl are talking and acting in chat for months now

vgearshiftervvgearshifter Posts: 107
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:40 AM in Matters of the Heart
When I joined sh in March 09 I was greeted very well in chat. Everyone would ask about my problems and say sorry to me. Some even tried to help me understand as much as possible about my mri reports. For months now I have noticed people not really caring about people and helping them. I know not everyday or time people feel like helping but there have been on more then one occasion where I have seen some rude stuff happening. I personally have gone in there for a shoulder to lean on and been shoved a side like waste. We have a lot of newbies that I find need help but in same token also don't have the patience to wait turn or wait for someone who has same problem to help answer. I love jokes and humor in chat it helps us to feel better for even a minute but there are times where people need help first and fun later. I personally have seen quite a few newbies leave because the fun came first and they just wanted some serious medical chat. I have also been finding a lot of self centerness lately. If it isn't all about one person then that person leaves, gets upset or just shuts up completely. I am not talking one or two people either it is lots. There is also people who say something and not one person is nice enough to even reply to them at all. I honestly do not get what is going on in sh chat any more but wish it would go back to the way it was in March 09. This is all my opinion but I do know that others have made similar comments to me about these problems. All that this is doing is pushing us people that came for help and found friends in the process not want to come in any more or as much. There has been some really stupid fights going on and even I wasn't able to avoid some of them. One person who has been banned was causing lots of problems for me. It really sucks when you have to defend yourself when what you came for was help and to help others. Just like last night I went to a very good friends funeral and needed a shoulder the night I found out her cancer got the better of her sooner but I only told people I knew would listen to me in yahoo or private messages in chat. I wouldn't say it in the room because I have seen some really rude comments on the screen and I didn't want that. So now I finally got this off my chest. I have wanted to say something for months but haven't done it till now.

Sorry this rant is so long but it has been building up for months.



  • What I continue to wonder about, is why no one uses the different rooms that are established. There is a "Fun Room" in addition to the regular Spine Health Chat. Have you guys tried to encourage those who only come for fun to move over to the other room? They may be unaware that it exists.

    The difficult thing about chat that I have seen, is that when someone enters the chat, they have no idea what has been being discussed before they entered. So they may without realizing it, interrupt the conversation and inadvertently upset someone who has been seeking help from the others.

    Generally there's a round of welcoming and then it goes quiet for a bit while everyone assesses the situation or sends each other private chat messages. So then someone decides to break the ice and it is generally in the form of light hearted banter.

    Chat is one of the most difficult and at times personal forms of communication, especially for someone in physical or emotional pain. Without a way to enforce strict guidelines and in essence having a "Chat room traffic cop" to guide folks from one room to the other, it just becomes whatever tone the members bring to it at the time. Something that started out supportive and personal, in a matter of minutes becomes useless and misdirected and then upsets someone.

    One thing that isn't fair, is to ask or expect Spine Health mods or admin to play "chat room referee". These folks volunteer their time and do periodically drop into chat, only to find that the conversation changes, people leave and either things straighten out or someone leaves upset. It's a no win situation for those trying to help as well as those looking for help. I don't think there's an easy or magic answer other than to place the responsibility of conduct back onto the users. That's just my opinion.

  • I understand what you are saying completely C. I don't know why it doesn't go to the other rooms. It really never has since I joined. Sometimes we do create rooms for birthday parties and stuff but that is it. As for the hellos yes most everyone tries to do that and a lot of us will ask how the person is doing. I agree with people not knowing what is going on when they come in at first. I don't disagree with the jokes or fun even in the main room but I have been finding is that it is happening more when new people come in and they are being pushed to the side. I have seen some pretty mad people leave the chat. I do not expect the mods to take care of this but wanted to express how I have been feeling lately about chat. It is up to the people that go into chat to help fix this problem as far as I am concerned. I have had to do private chats to help people or we go to yahoo for one on one. As for moving room to room is there any instructions on how to use chat? I had to ask when I started how to use chat and I know that when new people come we have to help them navigate around in chat.

    As I said this is all my opinion.

  • I don't frequent chat at all, so this may be a suggestion that isn't viable. But I do know that there are a lot of people in chat that really care about other members and are more than willing to help. So what about this:

    (For this scenario, let's forget the name of the chat channels.)

    What if "A" goes into chat room 1, the "Spine-Health" chat room, and needs some help but notices that no matter how many members are in there, it's all fun and games and "A" is looking for some serious conversation and help which isn't happening.

    "A" asks in chat room 1 if there are any other members that would be willing to join "A" in chat room 2, "Fun Room", for a bit because "A" has some issues that they'd like to discuss with members without humor being the main ingredient. Then "A" and those members willing to put humor aside to help a member in need all move to chat room 2 for the needed conversation - so the humor can still happen in chat room 1 while the serious issues can be tackled in chat room 2. The added benefit would be that each room would have less people which we all know is a little easier to handle than having a ton of people in chat.

    I'm just throwing this out there so that all situations can be covered without the difficulty that is currently happening in chat.

    Would some members be willing to leave chat room 1 to help someone in need in chat room 2 at a member's request? If I were in chat, I'd be willing to accommodate a member that needed help - after all, that's one of the reasons we're here.

    Can you all give me some feedback on this possible solution?

  • Uggggh, chat issues lol. Personally, I think we should all be responsible for our own behavior, remind others tactfully in the room if something is inappropriate, just do our best to help the newbie. A lot of us in chat are regulars and should back each other up when it comes to inappropriate behavior. We love the chat room and want others to enjoy it as well. All regulars were once newbies lol. Some newbies come in with a specific problem that no one in the room at that time can help with. There have been a few who get frustrated because no one can answer their question and they are not in the mood to join the conversation, they leave. What more can you do? I will take into account Cath's idea. If I think it may be helpful, I'll offer to go to another room with the newbie to talk.

    Can't believe that happened to you Eve! Grrrrr, not nice at all. If someone is in pain for whatever reason, that person's support should be our main concern.

    I really was beginning to think the problems in chat were slowing down. I certainly don't want to bring up former drama that is now done and over with. I have enough going on. IMHO, if we all make a personal effort, things should get back to the way they were.

    Best to all,

  • I agree chat is not what it once was, but that's because that is what we made it. I've been having serious conversation in the room, but let the right person some in, and there the room goes to goofing off. Who's fault is this? It's the people in chat. We let it happen. We didn't tell the person that there's a fun room, nor did we tell the person it was a serious chat. If the fun room is brought up. It nothing but a joke. So what good is the fun room. Nobody uses it. Most other made rooms are just for a joke, or to get away from a trouble maker.

    I know there are wonderful people in chat that are there to help, and then there are people who are there who think they help. These people say hello to newbies then ask them how are you? After that it's back to goofing off, unless of course they can get out their problem in less then a minute. Then they might get an answer. This is quite common. NoThey don't want to hear about pain. They fo there to forget about it. And it's easy to. You get bunch in that have known each other for awhile, and this is the norm. Not the exception!

    People are finding out in chat that this humorus banter is coming back to haunt them. People associate them with not being serious, and always goofing off. So when they come in, and try to be serious. They are not taken seriously, and they get unset. Who's the blame for that?

    Who's the blame? Do we act like children, and run to the mods? Do we run away, because we're upset, or get into an argument? Do we take it, and not say a word? Everyones different. Everyone takes things differently. We have to as adult realise that, and if we want chat to change. The members of chat have to do it. Ron can't change it, nor can any of the mods or authorities. We in chat have to draw the line, and we haven't. In this is the problem. We the ones that love chat as a helping and supporting place. Need to stand up, and be heard. We've been letting things get out of hand. So we need to change it. No one else can.
  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    First off I'd like to apologize to Candy as I was there when you came in but did not at all realize your situation, I am guilty and I apologize.
    I also have to agree with most others here on this post, you all bring up very valid points. That same evening someone I had not met before on chat made a very cutting comment, I could have lashed back but I consider that many members are on meds. and people don't always come across the way they really mean to. I could have just left but I don't want to offend others.
    Your post Candy is a good wake-up call for all of us to be good listeners as at one time or another we all need a shoulder to lean on. In the latter years I will never forget a quote from a person I have high respect for and I remind myself of it often. It works for my day to day life and it applies here.
    "No one ever learned anything by talking, we need to listen"
    Again if I have ever offended anyone here at S-H, please accept my apologies.
  • I need to come join the chat room regulars again. I always tried to include everyone and would take new members to another room if they seemed upset and needed to talk. I was polite but stated my opinion if things got out of control. We used to have a lot of fun in the chat room, but we knew that what made the chat room the most valuable to spine health members is that it is a place to talk about our spine issues and how it effects our lives. Please let's not lose sight of that purpose. Fun is good. Help is even better.

    I think I'll come back and see my old friends in chat and make some new ones.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    I have noticed that in general it was a very light and fun environment adding a number of medical situations into the chat

    What I have also noticed is when a new person (new to Spine-Health, Forums, Chat) come in, some people welcome the person and ask questions. But so many people just continue having their fun.

    I am 100% behind that the CHAT room should be a light and fun place to be, as long as no forum rules are broken and as long as there isnt any gangup on a member.

    But I am beginning to wonder about the multiple Chat rooms. By default, we all go into Spine-Health Chats. We wanted it this way so when no people come in they automatically go into the Chat room regarding Spine-Health and medical situations

    The other chat rooms are really not being used. And that is a shame. For those that want to have nothing but fun, you should go over to the FUN ROOM so that you can continue in that mood.

    Nothing is as frustrating for a new person to come into a CHAT room and see almost nothing about medical situations but all fun and games.

    I've read so many posts in this thread as well as in other threads talking about CHAT.

    We would have a trouble fee Chat room as long as all the people adhere to the rules. When that happens, that the other moderators, authority team , and myself can join in. Remember everyone on this team is also a spinal patient that has to deal with our own issues. So it would be nice to go into a room and relax a bit.
    I know the last thing I want to do is go into a chat room and play policeman

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Candy,
    It is always difficult addressing the spectrum of issues when the concept or perception of chatting is less serious; places should be available where all those wishing to communication in this format are allowed to do so and where people can feel relaxed in being who they are rather than conforming to any underlying criteria.

    SH is attempting to cater to all those from newbie to veteran who have differing and exclusive experience and keep that interest of the majority, some sites just become about certain individuals with little thought of those others wishing to be included and we must be wary of following that format. Diversity and inclusiveness are hard to develop and sustain, each individual treated with equality and respect and an opportunity to voice meaningful comment from the experience that they have.

    Initial opportunity has to be encouraged to become productive and emphasis should always be on progression of knowledge and understanding, whatever the pace. Every facet of society is represented; giving advice even from experience is engendered with the responsibility of addressing that wide spectrum of participants, we are all encouraged to be giving in our support of others, in that we too will be reciprocated that same support when our turn comes. It is a balance and many here are trying and do give of themselves and positive encouragement. Empathy should be progressive so we all move incrementally towards collective support.

    Some issues do get missed and that is inevitable, we have all posted comment that are dear to us emotionally that initially seem to go unnoticed, in saying or expressing something we do have the expectation of a response and when this goes unacknowledged it concerns us, someone usually picks it up, I saw this and here I am.

    Take care and be kind to yourself, I thank you for your comments.


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