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Advice on potential separation

notnewnnotnew Posts: 3
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:40 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am NOT NEW. In spite of my screen name, I have been a member for a long time. I am posting under a new screen name to protect my privacy. Only one member here knows this information and I trust them to keep my identity confidential.

I am seriously considering asking my husband #2 for a divorce. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He does not believe our second child is his, although I have never been unfaithful. I have stuck with him through three unsuccessful alcoholic rehabs. He has never visited me in the hospital through any of my surgeries or other reasons to be in the hospital.

The glitch is that hubby #1 has come back into the picture. I have not seen him, nor been unfaithful, except emotionally. I have come to realize that after all this time, I still love #1

I want to do what is best for me and the kids.

what do you all think?


  • Hubby #2 sounds like a creep, with issues! First, he does not respect you and second - he does not trust you. This is, in my opinion, what's called a "no brainer".

    OR, could it be you still have feelings for #1, and #2 has picked up on these vibes and is being childish because he knows deep down he can't compete?

    If you still love #1, you owe it to #2 (and yourself) to break up with #2.

    Not only that, but you have to think of the children. What is in their best interest?

    Good luck notnew (your name spelled backward is "went on" as in "... she went on with her life..."); I hope everything works out for you!

  • I like what Jeaux discovered in your new user name.

    Might be more than a coincidence... kind of like a hidden message?

    #2's behavior is that of what potty talk means of #2.

    You do not deserve to be treated so badly. You need to feel loved and respected... in addition to many other things.

    It sounds like #1 is tugging on your heart. What was the reason for your divorce to #1?

    Give it some time and think of the vows you took. Is #2 abiding by his wedding vows? How would #1 be with the children?

    I wish you the best during your soul searching.

  • This is something that only you can decide. Are both children husband #2's? I strongly feel that children deserve to have both parents in their home if it is a safe and healthy environment for them. Of course, if the situation is not safe, then you have no choice but to end the marriage. If the environment is safe, the decision becomes much more difficult.

    I was raised in an ugly situation. My parents fought all the time, both physically and emotionally, and I witnessed way more violence than any child should see. Eventually my parents divorced, and that was teh best thing for the situation.

    I don't advocate divorce, but there are circumstances where it is necessary. A wise man once told me that any 2 people can have a successful marriage if they try hard enough. The key is that both people have to be willing to work at it.

    Good luck with your decision.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I just wanted to chime in that while I'm sure it's great for a child to have both parents living together, or in a relationship together.. I personally think what's best for a child is for their parent(s) to be happy & confident. If you aren't happy, your children will feel it and it will affect them. So don't feel pressured to stay with someone you aren't happy with or that treats you badly just because they are your children's biological father.

    I hope it all works out for you, I think everyone else gave you some great advice as well.
  • He calls women he doesn't like c**ts. A couple weeks ago, he was totally wasted talking about how he was going to beat up his bosses when he retires at the end of the year. This is #2. He asked my dd13 to go downstairs and get the gun so he could kill himself.

    When he is sober, he is the man I loved once a long time ago. But most of the time he is the jerk I am describing.

    He is definitely far more critical of dd12 (the one he doesn't believe is his). He claimed once to have hired a PI to follow me to my "boyfriends" house. When I asked to see a copy of the report, he couldn't produce it. He used to take the kids to the bar with him. One time he took them to pick up some wings he had ordered at the bar, and left them in the car for 1/2 hour (ages 9 & 7 at the time) because the wings weren't ready. Claimed they were safe because he had locked the car doors and the weather was decent. It was dark outside and the girls were too scared to go in and find him.

    I could go on and on. Surprisingly writing all this out is cathartic and helping me see more clearly.

    Am I rebounding to #1? Maybe. But nothing will happen with him until I make a decision about #2

    Many thanks to all who have offered opinions so far.

  • I hope you're in a safe environment. It's scary that he said to go get the gun to your child. Please have an exit ready have money in your purse if you have to leave fast and a taxi number or your car keys ready and a cell phone. Many hospitals have a list of shelters and an assault Nurse available to talk to. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Your safety and security should be priority. You may want to talk to a lawyer about legal separation first. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    Oh my Notnew, my first instinct tells me this is not a safe situation for you and the children. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. First and foremost you need to do what is best for you and the kids.
    Don't be too quick to pursue ex-hubby #1, if it is suppose to be he will be the one to make the move and you will eventually know if he is truly sincere and getting back together is in your best interest. I really think if you feel at all endangered you should contact a womans advocate and law enforcement.
    If he at all does anything to physically harm you call 911 immediately. Yes, he will go to jail, but if you let him get away with it once, he will do it again.
    Please be safe!
  • Alcoholism is a horrible disease that affects the whole family. I advise you to find an Alanon meeting in your area and a safe place to live with your children. Jumping from one relationship to another without learning how to take care of yourself isn't good for you or for your children. Stand up for number one, YOU!

    Best wishes,

  • My opinion is that the things you described in your post #8 above would definitely NOT be part of a safe and healthy environment. Once in a while you may see a glimpse of the man you loved, but the more this alcoholism affects him, I fear this bad stuff will only worsen.

    This is so disheartening. Sorry for what you are going through.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Notnew, as an adult who grew up in a household with an abusive, alcoholic father, I can tell you without a doubt that your kids may be effected by this experience for the rest of their lives. At 12 I was being sent into bars to steal the car keys off the bar so he couldn't drive home and get yet another DWI and by 13 I was sent to steal the keys and the car, too. By 14 I was old enough to be beat like my mother. When I was 18 they tearfully told me they were divorcing. I thanked them. So then I went on to marry two violent drunks of my very own! Sure, that's what I was used to! Took till I was about 35 to find some self esteem and get my head straight. I say getout before anymore damage is done, but I wouldn;t run to #1, either. If possible, do it on your own for awhile. It makes you stong and you learn that you CAN survive without taking anyone's s**t. Take time for you and your kids to just be "together" and "calm". It's really cathartic. Sorry to seem "preachy" - just that I got LOTSA experience with this subject. Take care and I wish you the very best.

  • for your concern and advice.

    Let me begin by assuring you all that he has never been physically violent (except for kicking the dogs a couple of times, for which I royally ripped him a new one) to me or the girls.

    His first rehab was shortly after we found out I was pg with dd#1. His second bout was after he was flipping out one night when she was about 6 weeks old. I said I was leaving, and he said "over my dead body" and got his shotgun. He actually wasn't after me, but threatening to kill himself. I ran upstairs and called the police. He spent the night in jail until a friend bailed him out. I dropped the charges after he promised to never drink again and to never have a gun again. Both promises he has broken. He now has a gun to shoot the critters that get into the garden.

    He has lied to me so many times, I've lost track. Always the lies are about about other people being rotten to him, sort of a "poor me, look what they're doing to me". The lies have pretty much stopped though since I called him on many of them, including the PI story I wrote about up above.

    Don't know how many of you will approve, but I am having lunch with #1 tomorrow. That's all it will be. I have never and will never be unfaithful. But I want to get a sense whether the feelings I am having for him are real, or just an alternative to where I am now. I keep trying to remind myself of the reasons we got divorced in the first place.

    I'm trying to make sense of everything, and really appreciate all the opinions given so far.
  • Hi notnew,
    I strongly suggest that you shouldn't be going to lunch with any man with whom you have had a prior relationship with. Are you not in a since committing the very things you are saying about your husband by being with your former husband. I would suggest that you get you and your children into some counseling. There are to many women support centers and agency to help this very situation that you are describing. You have two daughters who are very encourageable ages and I am not sure this is the example you want to set for them. I would get out of the abusive marriage and seek counseling for both you and your girls and build your family foundation, before jumping back in the frying pan.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,858
    and should best be handled using private messages.
    None of us are counselors that can provide formal input. You will get different opinions.

    As difficult as a situation you are in, I have to step in and please refrain from additional posting on this subject.

    We've run into this before and any time we have , we immediately shut down the thread.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
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