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tears are surprising me....but can't stop!

jayhawkjjayhawk Posts: 1,032
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:42 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Where has my confidence gone. My surgery is in 24 hours. I am so ready! It has been a long 3 year journey, so why am I crying today? I seem to have lost my confidence! Please, please come back to me, I need you!!

I have total confidence in my medical team. This surgery is inevidable. Yes, I have tremendous pain, but as important, I have significent weakness, Left footdrop, "brisk" reflexes (which is a very bad thing) and tremors through out my legs. So I don't have a choice. Why the tears.....why won't they stop?

I said goodbye, but really, "I'll see you in a few days" to my daughter this morning. She will be staying with friends while I am in the hospital. I have a bracelet that has big block letters: FAITH---HOPE---LOVE. She asked to wear it these next few days to feel close to me. She gave me her beloved stuffed monkey for me to take to the hospital.

I just wish someone could tell me it will all be OK, but I know there are no guarentees.....


  • It will be allright! It is common to have the jitters, be afraid of the unknown, etc. Isn't your hubby unexpectantly out of town? And now your daughter is at a friends house. So you are alone (?)
    You lost your support at home, but we are here for you.
    Just keep repeating "everything will be OK".

    Before you know it you will be on the other side and start healing.

    Best wishes, Lisa
  • Jayhawk,

    I wonder if it isn't a case of losing your confidence, but instead your mind and body finally realizing that the "fight" and continual pine might finally be coming to "the light at the end of the tunnel?" A tunnel light that has been just a tease until now? Just a different way of looking at it I think. :-) We're here for you ...*HUG*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I can't get inside your head but I'd guess you're anxiety is heightened because your husband had to leave town and with your daughter gone for a few days you're feeling alone. The run-up to your surgery wasn't supposed to happen like this but that doesn't mean anything is going to go wrong with the surgery. You're going to be okay. Just know that you have spiney cyberfriends out here pulling for you! {gentle hug}

    2009 Foraminotomy C6-72010 PLIF L4-S1Multi RFA's, cervical inj, lumbar injLaminectomy L3-4 and fusion w/internal fixation T10-L4 July 17Fusion C2-C5 yet to be scheduled
  • It is ok! This is completely normal! >:D< I would be more worried about you if you had no anxieties about going into surgery! It is ok! Everything is going to be alright! The feelings you are going through are very normal! Before you know it you will be writing to us telling us how you cant believe how fast it all went! We are all here for you hun! >:D< And it is ok for the tears to fall..let them!
  • No reason to worry. We are here. Iam sure we all will be praying for you. So take care.

    ((((((((((((((((( >:D< ))))))))))))))

    Hoping for a pain free life for you

  • I'd be crying too if my daughter gave me her beloved Leland, who is a lovely gray stuffed elephant...of course my daughter is now 25, but it sounds like the kind of thing she would do, too. You are very lucky to have a daughter who is so sensitive to your situation!!

    Can you get out and do something nice for yourself today? Something you would really enjoy and that you won't be able to do for the next several months, post surgery??

    I'm sure you are feeling abandoned and lonely on top of being scared.

    Of course, I could remind you that back surgery is not a complete unknown to you...and you made it through the other one OK, right? You know you'll be back here in a few days, telling everyone how the anticipation was FAR worse than the actual surgery...and your daughter and husband will be back and everything will be fine in your world...

    ...except, of course, for all the little niggling problems with post-surgery recovery and healing!!

    Have a good cry...then wash your face, put on some lipstick and go for a walk. Listen to the birds churping (if they haven't all moved to Mexico after your crazy weather) and remember that things will look brighter by Sunday!!

    Hang in there sweetie. We're all here for you.

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,863
    to surgery.

    You already have two very positive things in your corner.

    1 - You have total confidence in your doctor team
    2 - You feel and know the love your daughter has for you

    Being nervous is perfectly normal. Even after seven spinal surgeries, before each one I got nervous.

    Your focus now should be centered around How, Where and When will you be doing your recovery. Many times, I've stated that the doctors have the easiest job. Spinal Surgical procedures have come a long way, even in the past 10 years. Once you are released from the hospital, then you are in control. How you progress and at what speed has so much to do with you.

    Abide by ALL limitations, do not IGNORE any restriction, DO what you have been told to do.
    And keep doing that , never stop

    Each surgery may present a little different twist on how the procedure is done and in each recovery, the phases may differ, but overall, your recovery time is the most important.

    Gwennie17 has started a very good thread discussing recovery. Take a look at

    Remain positive, realize the love you have in the world and know that when you start to recover, you will have the support of the member community here.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com

  • This is the way forward to start getting your life back. Think of the things you'll be able to do once you are feeling better.
    Write a list of them, if you like.
    What are you looking forward to doing with your husband?
    What are you looking forward to doing with your daughter?
    What are the things you are looking forward to doing for yourself?

    You trust your surgeon and his team. Let them do their work, then when you wake up, it will be over to you, while you rest and heal.

    In 3 weeks time, you will be able to tell ME that all will be ok and that it wasn't as bad as you feared.

  • When all else fails go shopping. Somewhere out there is a pair of slippers with red sequins that has your name on them. So go treat yourself to something special and a little silly.
  • Jay-you can do this!!!!I agree with all the spineys---in no time you will be on the upward way to healing--put on the lipstick(red of course),go shopping,and don't come home without something special!We are here for you! Jeannie
  • You will do great!!!

    The tears are normal...and is not an indication of loss of confidence. It's normal. You have been holding it together for years and the last month being strong for everyone. Today is your day to just let all that pent up stress out and know tomorrow you have room to accept healing!

    You have your daughter's stuffed animal and she has her bracelet. You have all of us here. And, you have a few more hours where you can enjoy a nice meal.

    Maybe you and your husband can go out for a quick dinner if you are up to it. If not, I think you should treat yourself to a pedicure or a new book, or a new bottle of perfume. Something to chear you up....even a candle that gives off a relaxing scent.

    We are all here for you!
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    You probably need your family and they are not there. It sounds like your alone on the final day. We all need some one to lean on. And it sounds like the people you would like to lean on the most are not there for you right now.
    You need to keep occupied. And keep your mind off of it. Or stay online and have the spinneys be your support group.
    Good luck,Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Hey, here's my idea. When you get your cry all cried out, give the red lipstick to J.Howie and go out and get you a Margerita! OK, well it was just an idea :)
    Come on, get your procedure over with, and then you can set around and gripe with the rest of us about healing, post op pain, etc! Now won't that be fun? You're gonna be fine.

    Peace & love,
  • Your tears are normal, to be expected and a good cry always makes you feel better.

    Everything will be fine... have no doubts about it!

    Shopping... oh yes! That's a great idea! You can even check out the special deals online.

    Do you play any interactive games online? WOW, poker, backgammon, etc?

    If you have any Valium or Xanax, now's the time to take them. They will mellow out the day-before-surgery anxieties.

    Crank call some one... that's always fun. It will give you a good laugh which is also a good release.

    Best wishes to you,

  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    Write Tammy a nasty note. Just for the fun of it!
    I'll wear the red lipstick!
    Jim =)) :D
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • I have lots of red lipstick-do ya'll want to borrow them?
  • Don't feel bad, it's totally normal to feel anxious about having this type of surgery. I went through everything too from feeling "okay let's get this done" to "oh &*^%, what I am getting myself into?!" and then I'd go into panic mode. I tried to occupy myself with a long list of things to do before my fusion and making sure the household/family wouldn't implode while I was gone ;) I have kids too and I'm sure your daughter will be in excellent hands while you're in the hospital. By the way, a nurse will give you something like Valium to calm your nerves and also something for pain so that you can relax. It helped me alot to also be surrounded by family and they kept me laughing because they're nuts. Anyway, I know you'll be okay and we will be thinking of you and praying that the fusion will take your pain away. Hugs, Meydey
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    But I'm thinkin one will do
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Still here, hoping to hear from you one more time before you head in. I hope you took some of the advice on here (but hopefully not all of it at once).

  • I'm feeling really good vibes for you!!Sending them all your way!!Hang in there, you will be alright. Lynette
  • >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
    When I went in both hubby and I were howling, it's perfectly normal to feel apprehensive.
    Look forward to hearing from you on the other side.
  • I went thru much of the same thing and cried a lot the couple of days prior to my fusion. All will be well and think of the time coming to be pain free. I hope your recovery is swift. Good vibes being sent right now.

    Hugs and Hugs, Traci
  • Hope everything goes well for you. I have been reading your posts for some time and it sounds like it took you so long to get to this point. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.... :)

  • Praying for you and hoping that you have peace now.
    Today is the day you start the road to your new improved life.

    This is what you have been waiting for and working up to for so long. Soon, all your anxiety will be over and you will be on the way to recovery.

    I'll be thinking of you all day, and look forward to hearing from you, when you feel up to it.
  • Thank you so much for all your support! You all are the most loving and supportive people. I really appreciate your kindness, it means the world to me! After a tearful morning, I pulled it together, had lunch (sushi :-)) with a dear friend with lots of laughter and a glass of wine. I did a little last minute shopping and got a pedicure, so that I have beautiful toes! I finished my night with a theater/melodrama featuring my favorite actress~my adorable daughter Vivianne. Didn't sleep well last night, but I wasn't upset, just woke up alot. And now off I go. Not sure the time of my surgery today, but I have to be there at 6:30. Please keep the prayers coming and I will post when I can! Thank you for being such great new friends. I couldn't have asked for more! I will post when I can~not sure what that will look like while on moriphine! Funny I'm sure! Big Hugs to all! Shari
  • Shari, I know you're gone to the hospital now but I woke up very early this morning (the pain thing) and was thinking about you. So glad to log on and find that you had a good day and a decent night, without distress. You'll be in my prayers today and in the days to come as you recover. :)

    2009 Foraminotomy C6-72010 PLIF L4-S1Multi RFA's, cervical inj, lumbar injLaminectomy L3-4 and fusion w/internal fixation T10-L4 July 17Fusion C2-C5 yet to be scheduled
  • Shari,

    If your you hubby brought a laptop and you get this, you are in my prayers. You are a strong woman and will pull through.

    Best wishes...get rest and we'll be here whenever you feel up to typing an update!

    Gentle hugs.
  • Praying everything went smoothly and better than you could have even imagined! >:D< I cant wait too hear from you, even if it is a funny morphine message 8} :D ! We are all here for you!!!

  • Hey, by the time you read this you'll be on this side! Welcome to healing and feeling better.

    Peace & rockets
  • I am thinking of you!You are going to do great!We are all waiting to hear from you--Jeannie
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