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April 8th can't come soon enough!

EMTgoneNUTZEEMTgoneNUTZ Posts: 321
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:42 AM in Depression and Coping
As I updated in the "insurance" forum, I finally got the date for my Remand Hearing-April 8th @ 10:30. I've been pretty happy about it because, as most of you know, this has been a VERY long time coming & has taken a lot of mental & physical "doings" for me to get it, with many thanks to my local Congressman & one of his aides.

For the most part, my mood has been much more optimistic since I moved to FL last August-but the last couple days it's been way, way, WAY down. I mean, we all have our "down days", and I admit I still have them at times, but this is more than just a "down day"-I'm just beside myself on so many issues: pain, SSDI/SSI, still only have $60-70 p/month coming in so I'm frustrated with the court system that after over 17 years is STILL not doing it's job in collecting child support from a man that CAN afford it, IS working, DOES have a pension from the Army (I'd be understanding if he were caught up in the economy and not paying b/c of that, but this has been a game with him from the beginning just to "keep the money out of her hands" and he doesn't even have ANYTHING to do with my son-hasn't in years).

Anyway-I'm not going to get into anymore details on my venting right now-you all know that I've been battling SSDI/SSI for almost 4.5 years, haven't been able to work at all in 5 years this coming June, & what goes along with that, not to mention the friggin pain that we all live with every day of our lives! But for whatever reason, I had a dream Saturday that I was denied again at this hearing (which, also as you know, means I have to start over again by re-filing as I've appealed so many times already). Ever since that dream, which was quite vivid & detailed enough that I'll surely be comparing details of the courtroom in my dream to the REAL one in Tampa (which I've never seen) when the real hearing comes! Anyway, ever since the dream, I just can't shake this pessimistic outlook on the decision, nor the immense guilt regarding my parents financial support ever since they rescued me & Cameron from that darn tent in Michigan 6+ months ago! They keep telling me not to worry about it, that they already expected to be my primary financial help for another year following surgery (even after I get SSDI if I win, because the monthly amount will only cover maybe rent & phone-no way will it cover all my bills, but would at least remove some of the burden that they have taken on) which we're hopeful will take place sometime in April-will know more after the the new discogram in a couple weeks. Whenever I cry in front of my dad about the guilt I'm feeling because it's not like they're rich-he retired in 1988, mum started collecting social security a year ago (retirement, not disability), & they've already spent so much time & money caring for my G'ma (she's the reason they moved down here in 2003-and they also cared for G'pa physically/financially until he died last June) but when I can't stop the tears & end up crying in front of them, dad will say things in an attempt to cheer me up, but that actually sometimes make me feel worse (which I KNOW is NOT his intent) like "now what good is crying going to do? Is it going to change the situation, no. Is it going to pay the bills, no. Is it going to fix your back, no. Is it going to do anything beneficial, no." and such things like that). When I cry in front of my mum, or even call/YM her just to talk daughter-to-mumma, she always reverts the conversation to herself & her problems or pain-which she's had many health problems too but she has also has excellent insurance thru dad's retirement (police officer) & has had the surgeries to correct her "bum parts" as we call them-ie: hip replacement, knees re-built, etc. (I inherited all of my female problems from her side other than the ovarian cancer-I was the first for that!. It's not like I'm trying to compare surgery scars/pain/experiences or anything-I'm just VENTING to her because she's my mother, ya know? Sometimes ALL I want is a (very gentle) hug & just to hear "everything's going to be OK"...actually MOST of the time that's all I want....but to be honest, they never say that.

Now, my dad IS much more optimistic than my mum is (always has been, & he isn't the type to focus on himself/feel sorry for himself & NEVER wants "pity" from others), & he is always reassured, & we discuss the reasons why, after we see my Spine Dr (he's so cute in that he always drives me & goes in with me to the Dr, kinda like he's been doing since they moved down here to take care of my G'ma the last 7 years, or like when I was a little girl). Sometimes I wonder if he forgets that I've been dealing with this entirely on my own since it started, other than a few rides from my ex boyfriend when we were together if I needed to be sedated....sometimes it just feels like he doesn't think I can handle it, or maybe doesn't trust me to handle it, but most of the time I just think that he wants to hear what the Dr's have to say & to be there to help keep things focused on the future because he knows the run-around I've been getting all this time. I dunno-maybe he DOES understand that I've pretty much been in this by myself from the get-go, aside from some emotional support from friends on the rare occasions, like now, that I show I need it/seek it out-& perhaps he is just trying to ease the emotional toll now that I live nearby & he is able to? I don't doubt for a second that my parents love me & I know they felt so helpless when I still lived back in Michigan because they knew I was getting the run-around, but what could they do? I understand that, being a parent myself, and I suppose, even though I'm 35 years old, I'll always be their "baby" just as I say my boys will always be my babies-& perhaps they're just showing their love in the only ways they know how. Maybe I'm just being selfish & should be content with the way things are considering how much different my life is now than it was last summer. (Don't take that wrong, I COMPLETELY appreciate that they rescued us and moved us down here & are paying the bills for me-I will NEVER take having a home/elecricity/running water, etc. for granted EVER again after being homeless like that! In fact I've learned a lot about what is and is NOT "necessary" in life & even if I were to ever become "rich", I guarantee there are many things I'll not waste so much money on)

BTW-before anyone says it-YES I'm aware that this is NOT the best display of grammatically correct writing I've ever written-but my focus wasn't on spelling & grammar...I just need to vent (one of the few times I don't edit & re-edit my posts before submitting). Right now I don't care-I've been a member here for years so the majority of you are well aware of the fact that I can spell & write quite well. Like I said, right now I just need to vent & I don't care if I have run-on sentences or misspelled words.

Anyhoo-thank you for letting me vent-I'm just at that place that I know you ALL know oh-so-well..."the end of my rope", and while most of the time I do manage to somehow hold it together, especially in front of other people, right now I'm alone & the only time I really get to "let it out" is when there is nobody around to actually see/hear me. I can't pick up the phone & call anyone, even though I know there are people that have told me to call in times like this, because then they'll hear me crying (it only adds to my anxiety issues if I know that someone else is aware that I'm crying or upset, etc), so I decided to stick with my comfort zone & come to my friends here at SH!

I love you guys, and I'll keep trying to get back to positive thoughts, but for right now I just can't. My plate is just too full I guess. I'm sorry if I'm bringing any of you down with me-I absolutely don't wanna do that! And I know this is rambling all over the place...I'm just trying to let it out, while explaining some of the stuff for those of you who may not understand or know what I mean, at the same time. I'm sorry if I've confused, or upset anyone here-and I'm not expecting anyone to say or do anything...like I said-I just have to vent & this is my safe place full of friends that understand because they've been right here with me, many of whom have had to endure this crap even longer than I have, which I dunno HOW! But I thank you all for being here for me from the bottom of my heart, and of course you all know that I'm always here for you too (tho you may have to email me sometimes b/c of my history of "disappearing" when things go dark-which I'm trying not to do now b/c so many of you asked me to stop that!;-) ).

I hope everyones Monday is plugging along w/o too much pain &/or stress! Thanks again for putting up with my rambling rant. I'll try to be "bubbly" (as Papa Ron says I usually am) again soon.

Take care of yourselves...


  • You are definitely blessed in more ways than one. It's unfortunate that it takes the "low's or pits" in order to show us what is really important in life. I'm just really glad that you have parents that are loving and capable of rescuing you. You now have a chance to get things taken care of and "fixed" and to get back on your own feet once again. The quest for independence isn't necessarily a short one, but if you stay true to the course, you will achieve it one day.

    Let your family embrace you and help you, for by doing that, they are in turn helping themselves.

    Who cares if your grammar and spelling are a bit down from what you are capable of. It doesn't matter, your message is easy to see and understand. Just glad that you have a way to reach out to your friends and to vent.

    Hang in there, things can and are getting better! You have survived so much to this point, you will persevere and triumph over this!

  • You've been through so much and I hope it gets better for you financially with your appeal. You deserve to get your income and hope things turn in your favor soon. Thanks goodness for your parents support so you can have some independence to raise your child. Thanks for the update and wonder sometimes how you're doing. your strength is what's getting you through and hope for brighter days ahead when you have some income finally. Hug and prayer for you. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • What ever happen I do hope you know my prayer are for you. We all know the pain.

    (((((((((((((( >:D< ))))))))))))))))00

  • Thanks everyone! I'm sorry I unloaded like that...I'm still pretty upset, but it's up to 64* & sunny out so I opened a couple windows to get some fresh air & think I'm going to go lay in my recliner for a bit. (I need a nap but am waiting on FedEx to pick up the laptop AGAIN for repairs-thank goodness it's got a 4 yr warranty on it!-and they had NO idea what time to tell me to expect them here, so I just hafta wait). Perhaps if I'm in my recliner, which is like 4-5 feet from the front door, maybe that way I'll feel better about possibly dozing off & not having to worry about not hearing the doorbell. Cam should be home from school in an hour so if they haven't arrived by then I'll nap when he gets home and HE can wait for FedEx to show up.

    It doesn't help any that I'm, for lack of a better way to put it, kinda being "forced" into quitting smoking since I don't have $ to buy any, and the only cigs I have are literally 3 year old home rolled smokes that my exboyfriend made for me when we were together trying to get me to switch over to save $...they're so nasty that I literally am trying to avoid lighting up (have only smoked twice today, 1/2 of one of these "icky sticks" each time). SO-I'm thinking that having a "heavy duty down day" coupled with nic fits, isn't helping my mental situation any!

    Time to go hit the recliner-can't seem to get comfortable today so gonna break out the heating pad, take a Soma for the darn muscle spasms in my right lower back that I'm having today, and see if I can find something worthwhile on the tv to watch. I'm gonna keep trying to find my positive attitude again too.

    I'll pop back in either later today or tomorrow I'm sure.

    Thanks again-hope everyone is having a nice day & that you're all taking good care of yourselves...

  • Your post was perfectly acceptable in every way! True friends accept that there will be ups and downs in any relationship. I don't think that you have many "fair weather" friends here.

    I can really relate to some of your feelings about your mom as I have those feelings myself sometimes.

    I have really come to realize that she deals with things in the best way that she is able and I can't fault her for that. It seems that the older she gets the more selfish she gets. She does love me very much, I have no doubt at all but everyone is so different in the way that they show affection. I will bet that if you really check in to things she is alot like her mom. All of that is really learned behavior.

    Please do not ever feel like you have to say your sorry for anything that you have to say here. This is the one place that we are all able to come to and say exactly what we need or want to say. The few folks that may be easily offended are not forced to read or comment.

    You may have actually made someone here feel better with your post. Sometimes when we think things are at there worst it helps put things in perspective to see one who may be worse off than you are. If that majes any sense.

    Anyway, I just wanted to reiterate that I for one am here for you.

    April 8th will come quicker than you know.
    Just look at the bright side. You have been waiting so long that once you are approved you will not have to wait for Medicare! You will get it right away! Even though it does cost $110 a month at least you will have insurance.

    I will be keeping an eye on you.
  • Hi I am old/new here.I also have a tendensy to "fade" out and come back after a few months or longer.Shame on me*I just wanted to let you know about something..I am on disability myself and was denied(of course) the 1st 2 times.Well,I was very surprised when I did get approved that I was getting around 300.00 back in 1998 each month and as a married woman!Also,I was given back pay from the day of my fall.Needless to say it was a sizable amount as a full year had passed since I began proceedings.
    So, I hope the same will happen for you and it is a Godsend.

    My husband left me due to my "disability" and the greener grass w/ neighbors wife but I am better off for it.No one deserves to be treated badly because they have chronic pain.Also,please check into the social services department in your area for medicade.Yes, it is very hard to ask for these things but you will need them.With Medicare and Medicade you will have insurance so your mind doesn't go completely crazy with worry about health bills!Even your child will be eligable,at least I hope so for you,the place you live has it's own rules.
    ok, well, just a thought for you,a happy one I hope.Take care, rest and Bless you.
    Gentle hugs sent your way~
  • I appreciate your friendship & knowing that I can "vent" here & nobody will hold it against me, because you all understand. It brings me a LOT of comfort.

    Mia, just wanted to thank you for the suggestion for Medicaid & let you know that I actually do have it (finally-after fighting tooth and nail to be taken off the "medically needy" program that required more of an upfront cost from me than I even have in income! Now I have the "Cadillac" of M'caid plans here in FL-called StayWell/WellCare and thus far I've not been denied any procedure or medication, and have no co-pays for RX's, which was a nice surprise coming from Michigan where EVERYTHING was a fight to get approved, and all meds had a co-pay, even though they were only nominal, right now, every penny I can save is much needed. We also get food benefits-not as much as I would have thought, but we're managing to get by on it b/c I "invent" lots of large casseroles/stews/soups, etc that can be frozen & simply re-heated for multiple meals (especially handy on the many nights I don't feel up to cooking-my son can just heat it up for us, which he likes because he does make dinner for us often & he likes to know that there's something easy to just heat up if I'm not able to cook & he either has a lot of homework or just doesn't want to. Also nice for the hot summers down here when the last thing ya wanna do is have the oven on.)

    I took another spill this morning (as usual, on concrete) so am really in a lot of pain right now so I'm going to go find my heating pad & lay down. (I'll post the story on another thread just so that one day I can look back on it and see the amusement in it...maybe...).

    Hope you're both having a better Tuesday so far than I am ;-)

    Thanks again...I love my spiney/necky/fibro friends!

    *edit-I posted my *adventure* story from this morning in the Chronic Pain forum-if anyone wants a good laugh at my expense, now you can more easily locate the post knowing which forum it's in* ;-)
  • Dude, you put a new spin on what SPAM is!!! 18 of the same junk? SPAM!!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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