As I updated in the "insurance" forum, I finally got the date for my Remand Hearing-April 8th @ 10:30. I've been pretty happy about it because, as most of you know, this has been a VERY long time coming & has taken a lot of mental & physical "doings" for me to get it, with many thanks to my local Congressman & one of his aides.
For the most part, my mood has been much more optimistic since I moved to FL last August-but the last couple days it's been way, way, WAY down. I mean, we all have our "down days", and I admit I still have them at times, but this is more than just a "down day"-I'm just beside myself on so many issues: pain, SSDI/SSI, still only have $60-70 p/month coming in so I'm frustrated with the court system that after over 17 years is STILL not doing it's job in collecting child support from a man that CAN afford it, IS working, DOES have a pension from the Army (I'd be understanding if he were caught up in the economy and not paying b/c of that, but this has been a game with him from the beginning just to "keep the money out of her hands" and he doesn't even have ANYTHING to do with my son-hasn't in years).
Anyway-I'm not going to get into anymore details on my venting right now-you all know that I've been battling SSDI/SSI for almost 4.5 years, haven't been able to work at all in 5 years this coming June, & what goes along with that, not to mention the friggin pain that we all live with every day of our lives! But for whatever reason, I had a dream Saturday that I was denied again at this hearing (which, also as you know, means I have to start over again by re-filing as I've appealed so many times already). Ever since that dream, which was quite vivid & detailed enough that I'll surely be comparing details of the courtroom in my dream to the REAL one in Tampa (which I've never seen) when the real hearing comes! Anyway, ever since the dream, I just can't shake this pessimistic outlook on the decision, nor the immense guilt regarding my parents financial support ever since they rescued me & Cameron from that darn tent in Michigan 6+ months ago! They keep telling me not to worry about it, that they already expected to be my primary financial help for another year following surgery (even after I get SSDI if I win, because the monthly amount will only cover maybe rent & phone-no way will it cover all my bills, but would at least remove some of the burden that they have taken on) which we're hopeful will take place sometime in April-will know more after the the new discogram in a couple weeks. Whenever I cry in front of my dad about the guilt I'm feeling because it's not like they're rich-he retired in 1988, mum started collecting social security a year ago (retirement, not disability), & they've already spent so much time & money caring for my G'ma (she's the reason they moved down here in 2003-and they also cared for G'pa physically/financially until he died last June) but when I can't stop the tears & end up crying in front of them, dad will say things in an attempt to cheer me up, but that actually sometimes make me feel worse (which I KNOW is NOT his intent) like "now what good is crying going to do? Is it going to change the situation, no. Is it going to pay the bills, no. Is it going to fix your back, no. Is it going to do anything beneficial, no." and such things like that). When I cry in front of my mum, or even call/YM her just to talk daughter-to-mumma, she always reverts the conversation to herself & her problems or pain-which she's had many health problems too but she has also has excellent insurance thru dad's retirement (police officer) & has had the surgeries to correct her "bum parts" as we call them-ie: hip replacement, knees re-built, etc. (I inherited all of my female problems from her side other than the ovarian cancer-I was the first for that!. It's not like I'm trying to compare surgery scars/pain/experiences or anything-I'm just VENTING to her because she's my mother, ya know? Sometimes ALL I want is a (very gentle) hug & just to hear "everything's going to be OK"...actually MOST of the time that's all I want....but to be honest, they never say that.
Now, my dad IS much more optimistic than my mum is (always has been, & he isn't the type to focus on himself/feel sorry for himself & NEVER wants "pity" from others), & he is always reassured, & we discuss the reasons why, after we see my Spine Dr (he's so cute in that he always drives me & goes in with me to the Dr, kinda like he's been doing since they moved down here to take care of my G'ma the last 7 years, or like when I was a little girl). Sometimes I wonder if he forgets that I've been dealing with this entirely on my own since it started, other than a few rides from my ex boyfriend when we were together if I needed to be sedated....sometimes it just feels like he doesn't think I can handle it, or maybe doesn't trust me to handle it, but most of the time I just think that he wants to hear what the Dr's have to say & to be there to help keep things focused on the future because he knows the run-around I've been getting all this time. I dunno-maybe he DOES understand that I've pretty much been in this by myself from the get-go, aside from some emotional support from friends on the rare occasions, like now, that I show I need it/seek it out-& perhaps he is just trying to ease the emotional toll now that I live nearby & he is able to? I don't doubt for a second that my parents love me & I know they felt so helpless when I still lived back in Michigan because they knew I was getting the run-around, but what could they do? I understand that, being a parent myself, and I suppose, even though I'm 35 years old, I'll always be their "baby" just as I say my boys will always be my babies-& perhaps they're just showing their love in the only ways they know how. Maybe I'm just being selfish & should be content with the way things are considering how much different my life is now than it was last summer. (Don't take that wrong, I COMPLETELY appreciate that they rescued us and moved us down here & are paying the bills for me-I will NEVER take having a home/elecricity/running water, etc. for granted EVER again after being homeless like that! In fact I've learned a lot about what is and is NOT "necessary" in life & even if I were to ever become "rich", I guarantee there are many things I'll not waste so much money on)
BTW-before anyone says it-YES I'm aware that this is NOT the best display of grammatically correct writing I've ever written-but my focus wasn't on spelling & grammar...I just need to vent (one of the few times I don't edit & re-edit my posts before submitting). Right now I don't care-I've been a member here for years so the majority of you are well aware of the fact that I can spell & write quite well. Like I said, right now I just need to vent & I don't care if I have run-on sentences or misspelled words.
Anyhoo-thank you for letting me vent-I'm just at that place that I know you ALL know oh-so-well..."the end of my rope", and while most of the time I do manage to somehow hold it together, especially in front of other people, right now I'm alone & the only time I really get to "let it out" is when there is nobody around to actually see/hear me. I can't pick up the phone & call anyone, even though I know there are people that have told me to call in times like this, because then they'll hear me crying (it only adds to my anxiety issues if I know that someone else is aware that I'm crying or upset, etc), so I decided to stick with my comfort zone & come to my friends here at SH!
I love you guys, and I'll keep trying to get back to positive thoughts, but for right now I just can't. My plate is just too full I guess. I'm sorry if I'm bringing any of you down with me-I absolutely don't wanna do that! And I know this is rambling all over the place...I'm just trying to let it out, while explaining some of the stuff for those of you who may not understand or know what I mean, at the same time. I'm sorry if I've confused, or upset anyone here-and I'm not expecting anyone to say or do anything...like I said-I just have to vent & this is my safe place full of friends that understand because they've been right here with me, many of whom have had to endure this crap even longer than I have, which I dunno HOW! But I thank you all for being here for me from the bottom of my heart, and of course you all know that I'm always here for you too (tho you may have to email me sometimes b/c of my history of "disappearing" when things go dark-which I'm trying not to do now b/c so many of you asked me to stop that!;-) ).
I hope everyones Monday is plugging along w/o too much pain &/or stress! Thanks again for putting up with my rambling rant. I'll try to be "bubbly" (as Papa Ron says I usually am) again soon.
Take care of yourselves...