I dont even know which way is up sometimes, but lately it has been so hard...I have had mental illness all of my life and I have worked hard in the last few years to get a handle on it (I have disteamia but its easier to just say depression with anxiety and other bits thrown in for haha's), I get the practical side of it but the going through the day to day of late is just breaking me down bit by bit.
As if the pain doing it wasnt enough, I am now having my head and heart having a turn now. I live with my husband and two girls 5 and 7 at my mum and dads home so there is alot of help on hand as well as a home help lady week days to look after me, but there has been a break down with my husband and I. When I first started to get bad he was so good and he was the one to push me to get answers and help but I dont know what went wrong and after thinking and worrying wonder if the situation with us has just become another casualty of this whole aweful thing?
up to this point I'd felt that he was just being mean and selfish and I have been angry cause he just had a discectomy arround xmas and I was there for anything he needed with no pressure to him and took the bad moods, and loved him unconditionally even with my pain getting out of controll too. But for me he's just gotten worse with moods and anger and all coming out at me and our girls. So I put my foot down and said that it was not on and had to stop, I'v never critisised what he does or does not do and have always thanked him for the help he gives. He doesnt or didnt when it was reversed, but I accepted that, its his way and I just carried on.
After having my straw that broke the back (mind the pun) moment though it was like Katrina had been through my life, and he left as some times happenes to cool, but the usual come back and talk about it didnt happen like normal.
I have only gotten a few comments from him, and all are down on himself ones, and though I have assured him that is not what I think, it doesnt seem to help. I know we all have the right to feel and act, react to things and often it is all natural, but I just wish he'd talk to me. I feel like im in living hell most days and one of only a few things I feel I have to keep going for is him, and the hope that when Im better we can get back to the wonderfull life we'v had together for the past nearly 10 yrs. And now because of all the rubbish cards weve been dealt over the past year Im scared that it all might get broken beyond reapir.
At the end of the day for all the silly things we do think and say the bigger picture I think gets missed, and I dont want their to be just a big gaping hole where my love was when I get through this all.
Im sorry for spilling this all out here but I have tried to find some one to tell that wont think or feel or be hurt or angry by how I feel or have felt, and I hope that with everyone here having been through their own versions of this situation or sim that it might be ok for me to just not be strong and ok for a bit. So thanks for letting me spill it all out, after this and a few tears I can sleep and see what tomorow will bring me. Good night