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Just need to vent and cant find the right person here...

KristyBretteKKristyBrette Posts: 44
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:43 AM in Depression and Coping
I dont even know which way is up sometimes, but lately it has been so hard...I have had mental illness all of my life and I have worked hard in the last few years to get a handle on it (I have disteamia but its easier to just say depression with anxiety and other bits thrown in for haha's), I get the practical side of it but the going through the day to day of late is just breaking me down bit by bit.

As if the pain doing it wasnt enough, I am now having my head and heart having a turn now. I live with my husband and two girls 5 and 7 at my mum and dads home so there is alot of help on hand as well as a home help lady week days to look after me, but there has been a break down with my husband and I. When I first started to get bad he was so good and he was the one to push me to get answers and help but I dont know what went wrong and after thinking and worrying wonder if the situation with us has just become another casualty of this whole aweful thing?

up to this point I'd felt that he was just being mean and selfish and I have been angry cause he just had a discectomy arround xmas and I was there for anything he needed with no pressure to him and took the bad moods, and loved him unconditionally even with my pain getting out of controll too. But for me he's just gotten worse with moods and anger and all coming out at me and our girls. So I put my foot down and said that it was not on and had to stop, I'v never critisised what he does or does not do and have always thanked him for the help he gives. He doesnt or didnt when it was reversed, but I accepted that, its his way and I just carried on.

After having my straw that broke the back (mind the pun) moment though it was like Katrina had been through my life, and he left as some times happenes to cool, but the usual come back and talk about it didnt happen like normal.

I have only gotten a few comments from him, and all are down on himself ones, and though I have assured him that is not what I think, it doesnt seem to help. I know we all have the right to feel and act, react to things and often it is all natural, but I just wish he'd talk to me. I feel like im in living hell most days and one of only a few things I feel I have to keep going for is him, and the hope that when Im better we can get back to the wonderfull life we'v had together for the past nearly 10 yrs. And now because of all the rubbish cards weve been dealt over the past year Im scared that it all might get broken beyond reapir.

At the end of the day for all the silly things we do think and say the bigger picture I think gets missed, and I dont want their to be just a big gaping hole where my love was when I get through this all.

Im sorry for spilling this all out here but I have tried to find some one to tell that wont think or feel or be hurt or angry by how I feel or have felt, and I hope that with everyone here having been through their own versions of this situation or sim that it might be ok for me to just not be strong and ok for a bit. So thanks for letting me spill it all out, after this and a few tears I can sleep and see what tomorow will bring me. Good night :( KB


  • You are in this mess. I wish I could take it all away, but we know that is not going to happen overnight.

    I can only assume you are in treatment for your disteamia and wonder if your husband can be convinced to seek some help of his own. Constant pain can whip us like the evil stepmother of old lore. We are all only human and it can drain the good, leaving behind the bad to which we can tend to dwell on and in.

    It can block those we love out, leave us not believing that a "good" life is even possible. All of these things could be going on.

    All I can say is that without his willingness to adapt to his new life or at least hopefully the time it will take for his recovery, well, you can't do the work for him.

    I have been depressed, now found to have bi-polar type II, that just means I'm depressed with out the manic side, lucky me, at least then I could get something done. What I am trying to say is my wife as stuck with me through the years, but never in all this time has she actually taken the time to read a single book that may let her help me. Not a single one. never.

    With our children, our life together and the knowledge the she does indeed care, just not enough to read a book, I have learned to do the work myself. We can lead our spouses to water, we can't make them read the book, er, drink the water.

    That has do be done on their own, gentle nudges and trickery to get them to talk to someone are allowed. Try to get him to one of "your" appts, ask him to help you.

    I truly hope some of this helps, in some small way.

    You are not alone, there are many of us that have battled for many years these diseases of the mind.

    Hang in there.
  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,367
    Is probably many of us - or most of us. The mental and physical challenges that we face due to our conditions often cause unbearable pain for us, and often unrelatable and or repairable issues with our spouses or significan't others.

    Myself - My wife of 18 years informed me of her need to divorce me 6 weeks after my second round of surgeries. The only things that helped me was to
    put myself in her shoes and try to view the situation through her eyes. Who? (given the choice) would want to continue to live with a person who will have chronic pain, depression, and disabilites for the rest of their life. We have no choice as to the cards we have been dealt. Our partners (vows aside) could/can possibly move on to a life without these issues to deal with - without us.

    Just as I have had to accept my physical and mental/emotional issues - I have had to accept my wifes(ex now)decision to move on with her life.

    I now 1.5 years after the divorce view it as a good thing as it has reduced my need and desire to please her. I can concentrate now on attempting to take care of me, be the best father possible to my children, and no longer strive to be Ward Cleaver.
    Fortunately that fantasy life that I used to work so hard for - is no longer a running series and has been replaced by the something more along the lines of the Simpsoms, Southpark, or Breaking Bad.

    Many of us can relate, and are here for you.

    Warmest Regards,

    Spine-Health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!  (Click on Welcome to Spine-Health)

  • That is very profound.

    I often wonder that same thing. Would it be so hard if keeping up the appearance of normalcy was not so much a part of our daily grind?

    The thing is, I feel it would be just as cruel to her to say I don't want you here suffering with me as to hear her say it to me.

    Finding an easier life can be a painful process, how do we ever know where our path will lead until we walk down it a ways?
  • Thank you so much, I think in this whole thing the feeling lost and alone is the biggest punnishment of all!

    With my disteamia, yes I take my meds like a good girl daily and not for any one other than me, and I too use CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) and I writa a journal, and other things like that. This time though even with it all I couldnt figure it out or which way was up.

    your advise has helped me so much though and yesterday was wonderfull! He got me out of the house and while driving in the car we talked, just honestly talked and he told me that all my fears and worrys of burdoning everyone were not to worry about and he talked about his frustrations and it was good!

    I hate this everyday battle but knowing that there is people that understand helps so much!!!

    So thank you so so much and I know that there will be plenty of hard bits still but for today atleast I feel OK.
  • Metalneck, thank you so much for sharing that all with me, it is the hardest thing to read and even hareder to think that that is your reality, I cant believe that she left you and if that was me there would have been no chance of that, I believe we are all put on this earth to be kind and loving and if that means sharing someones burdeon to lift the load form them then that is the most important gift we can give!

    As i just said in my prev post with your guys help I was able to talk to him and I told him what I was going through and we talked and talked and I figured it out that that (sharing and communication) is what has been missing, and I hope that for you that person who will love you for what ever comes along and will share your good times and support your bad. For now you can share a bit of all of us till you find your own.

    I will think of you every day and if there is something I can ever help YOU with please dont hesitate to ask!

    Please take care, KB
  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,367
    for your kind words and thoughts. KB ... I'm so glad to hear that your bond is moving in the right direction. I was told once that as a couple you are either growing closer or further apart on a daily basis.

    These song lyrics say it all ...

    Parallel Lines

    Kindred spirits moving along the spiral
    I can see you up on another level
    It's too great a fall
    And I can't reach you to pull me higher
    But I don't seem to get much closer or any more far

    What would you tell me, if I could hear you speaking?
    If you could touch me, how would I know the feeling?
    I just can't imagine
    But I try to do it anyway
    I wish I was moving faster, I wish you'd drift back
    But it just wasn't meant to happen
    Very soon I'll have to

    Face the fact
    Some things never come together
    Parallel lines running on forever
    And you can't turn back
    There is never any starting over
    Parallel lines never do cross over

    It's a challenge
    Gotta make myself remember
    Facing the truth, well, that doesn't mean surrender
    What is bravado and how much is a force of will?
    I know that the world is full of opposites that attract
    But unless we ignore the physics
    Very soon we'll have to

    Face the fact
    Some things never come together
    Parallel lines running on forever
    And you can't turn back
    There is never any starting over
    Parallel lines never do cross over

    So I send you the gift of empathy
    If you'd once in your life acknowledge me
    I have visualized so thoroughly
    That when I think of me I think of we

    Can't face the truth
    It means that we must surrender
    Understanding won't satisfy the hunger
    It whittles away at the destiny we fulfill
    And like an animal running wild
    You can't call it back
    And it's just gonna make it harder
    When it's finally time to

    Face the fact
    Some things never come together
    Parallel lines running on forever
    And you can't turn back
    There is never any starting over
    Parallel lines never do cross over

    Credit to one of the most underated and unfortunately (to many) little know significant poets-musicians of our time: Todd Rundgren ... Youtube the song ... might make ya cry though!!

    G_d bless us - Everyone !!


    Spine-Health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!  (Click on Welcome to Spine-Health)

  • its 1am here and im up on a pain call, and while I wait for the pills to work I thought id have a look at some posts, and in the morning I will be having a listen to this song, cause reading it just made me cry, but I feel like it is one worth listening to! I have a great love of music and poetry being a musician in my younger years with a great love of cat stephens feeling so many of his words places of comfort even when hard to hear. So thank you for this and I will let you know when Ive heard it too.

    Good night for now, take care......

    Till the morning...... KB
  • I hope things get better with you and your husband. I asked my Pain Management Dr. to talk with my husband and we booked an appointment. He explained things to my husband clearer than I could ever about the pain I was going through and how 'You can't just snap out of it' and get your old self back.

    When husband snaps or gets angry I leave the room. Always have a way of escape and extra bank card or car keys and cell phone close at hand. Prepare to go to the ER where they have a Domestic violence Nurse to talk to and the hospital has a list of shelters. Hopefully these things will resolve and after anger is usually acceptance and hope he gets to that stage. Sometimes they will never understand like Metalneck had to go through such a terrible separation and divorce.

    Sometimes seeing a Therapist or Pain Psychologist may help. I hope things get better for you. You deserve to be treated with respect as well as your children. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I just listened and that is a neat song, I think that the songs that make your heart hurt while explaining things for you or when they just make you feel like only some songs can is so special and that song is definatly one of those. Funny I thought when I read through the lyrics I could hear the song in my head, and it turns our I did know who Todd is as I am an avid meat loaf fan and he helped produce meatloafs "Bat out of hell". Another musician who manages to get to the heart of things.

    Thank you so much for that though the song made me sad it is nice to feel something other than just pain all the time.

    Take care I'll find the lyrics of my "getting through it " song I cling to and put them up :-)
  • Funnily enough he does come to all my app's and does seem to understand but the anger just (when it gets bad) over takes all reason, and this time he left (I did tell him that he either needed to stop being angry and be a good husband and dad or just keep on feeling sorry for himself and how bad he thinks his life is and go to wollow in his self pitty) and I didnt go ringing saying I was sorry cause Im not.

    Normally I'd try to make it all better and say Im sorry for gosh knows what, and nothing in that case ever changes instead in his mind I have just agreed with everything he's thinking or feeling.
    So this time I told him what a great family he has and though we are going through tough times right now he has 2 awesome kids and a wife that love him and a nice home good job, had his op and is now alot more pain free than he was which is good for him, and to be real and be thankfull.

    There was alot more than that as there always is, but you get the drift, and he stayed away for a good few days only coming home to do the chores that the rest of the family cant do (feeding stock moving cows etc) and I think he actually had a good think.

    Now its still baby steps but he has been nice and supportive, even helped me get into my pj's and into bed last night aswell as all kinds of other things, and has been easing up on the kids and listening when I object to him being too hard on them and it is much nicer.

    I think though with out the help and advice here I wouldnt have been strong enough to do it and get to here now, and I know there will still be bad times but I feel like with you guys behind me I can do it and keep on going!

    I (many years ago when I was very young and stupid) was married befor in an abusive violent relationship and I thankfully didnt have kids and managed to get out and stay out, and I vowed I'd never have that again. The bit that made that easy to leave is that I didnt love him, I was affraid of him but there was no respect or love. With my husband now though - I never believed in there being a mate for everyone out there someone you were for good or bad meant to be with - I feel like that is us and I DO love him so much which is why I keep on. I guess the important bit is that he too loves me, but that was my fear I think was with all the meds and pain and no clear thinking "does he still love me?"

    Thankfully the answer is YES, yay, but like I say baby steps I guess he has to learn how to cope as much as I do.

    For now though things are good, and I will enjoy it best I can, cause I cant go anywhere (I cant drive at the mo, and walkings not easy either) so I will just keep at it.

    Thanks for all the help, it makes the world of difference, and stay safe, it sounds like you have your plan sorted which is great!

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