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I am so fed up!!

jellyhalljjellyhall Posts: 4,373
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:43 AM in Recovering from Surgery

I am just over 7 weeks post lumbar fusion. Up until now, I have managed to remain optimistic, even despite various problems that have slowed down my recovery.

I know that compared with some, I am doing well and my pain levels are much better than some others.

I think my main reason for feeling so fed up is the state of my house! I have a friend who is coming to visit me on Friday, who hasn't been to my house before. I am really looking forward to seeing her but I feel really bad for her to see the house in this awful state!

I am so frustrated that I have lots of time, but can't clean and tidy it adequately. We have a conservatory which has become a dumping ground for things moved to free up the lounge and spare room, to make room for a downstairs bed and space for me during my recovery. I live with my husband and grown up son. They are helping in so many ways :-) but they just don't seem to see the dirt and mess.

I so hate having to keep asking for help with things and feel like I should be doing more as I am home doing practically nothing all day. I am going to do some cleaning today, but there is no way that I can tackle some of the worst mess! I know there are more important things in life than having a clean and tidy house, but this is really stressing me out. I just feel like crying.

I knew that this was going to be a long recovery, but it is so frustrating to sit here, looking at all the things that need doing and not be able to tackle it. Sometimes I feel that I will just do it, but as soon as I start, I hurt!

I am sorry to go on in such a negative way. I am just feeling soooo fed up! Did you guess?

I hope that other spineys are having a good day, and if you are feeling fed up like me, maybe it will help to know that someone else feels the same way :-)


  • A real friend, new or old, really isn't going to care whether the house is immaculate or not - they are coming to see you and to see how you are recovering, they're not the cleaning police, (are they!??!) if they are why did you invite them !??? LOL

    Take it easy if you are going to attempt anything - the last thing you need is a set back!!!!

    If it is really important to you, tell hubby and your son of your concerns and let it slip that unless (although as you have said they are great!) they can go that extra mile for you that you are getting a maid service in.................................................................................A MALE MAID !!!!!

    Lets see how fast they move then !!!!!!!

    Nothing meant as serious in the last paragraph!!

    just hoping I can put a little smile on your face on a down day!!

    Take Care
  • (I am Sussex girl!)

    you made me laugh. I have just been for a walk in the sunshine, so am feelng more cheerful. I know this friend wants to see me not the house.

    Up until the last week, I have been very optimistic, but now I think I am getting bored and fed up. There are so many things I want to do, but am unable to.
    It is so helpful to be able to off load on here. Thanks for responding :D
  • i had to reply to let you know how much i understand how you are feeling!

    i am inoperable, and unable to do much in the way of cleaning around the house due to pain and not being able to stand/bend. i also have 3 VERY capable children ages 11, 12,13 that can/could do more to help, but give more grief about it than i have energy for.

    so, i am now waiting for PCA service to start. in the meantime, i try to ignore some of it, beg for help from friends, have payed a neighbor to mop the floors...and do what i can when i can, and try my best not to let it get me down too much!

    ...remember "the serenity prayer", it has gotten me through alot lately with all of these spine issues!

  • A really good friend would offer to come over to help you clean up. I wish I had one of those :(
  • Glad I made you smile - my good deed for the day!!!

    where abouts in sussex are you??

    i've lived in Eastbourne, Alfriston, & Hove over the years when I was a hotel manager.

    Give it time - be warned i didn't and i am in a worse situation now!!

    I also understand that there is only so much day time telly that you can stomach before you want to smack David Dickenson's "orange chops"! ROFLOL


  • I bumped into a friend while I was out for my walk and she asked me how I was. I cried!!
    She is coming round next week to vacuum before having a coffee and chat with me. Now she IS a really good friend! :D

    Dorset Boy I'm in Crawley and love gardening! I keep looking at the garden and can't wait to get those weeds out!

  • I must accept the things I can't change for the time being. There is the hope that in the future, I'll be better than I have been for the couple of years before surgery. I need to learn patience!

    Thanks for replying :-)
  • unfortunately, my "good friends" all disappeared when i could no longer drive to see them! i do have people who will run to the store for me, and the friend that i paid, well-she needed the money and the floor was horrific! (she will also be my PCA if all goes well!)

    so far, although we have just met, she seems to be a very kind, giving person, that likes to help others for nothing more than friendship in return.

  • She sounds like a 'good friend' in the making. :-)
  • Try looking at it this way: When you go to someone's house, how much do you really notice about how clean their house is? When you left, did you think "Man, those baseboards were a mess" or "Wow, did you see the dust on the top of those cupboards?"

    I realized that I rarely notice how clean a friend's house is unless it's just disgusting, which I doubt your is.

  • Jelly,

    I know exactly how you feel, or should I say I know how that situation made me feel. I cried too!! And in some instances, did go ahead and do the household things I shouldn't have even attempted. I believe that is what made my recovery so much harder. There is truly a reason why there is no bending, lifting, twisting.

    Trust that your friend really wants to see YOU and knows the limitations that you currently have. Best wishes on a great visit!!

  • Don't invite her to your house unless you like criticism. For years now I have argued with my husband about whether people care how you house looks or whether they should care. He was raised to believe that it was part of the visit to inspect and comment on the condition of the house. I can still remember her making her joking remarks to family and friends. Of course most people were not laughing with her.

    Unfortunately her obsession with having a clean house led to the whole family missing out on lots of things. No pets, no friends over, not many friends who would have them over.

    Take time to enjoy the important things. The house will get cleaned somehow. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people are embarrassed to ask if you need help because they don't want to insult you.
  • I know that the state of the house is not that important really. If it is tidied and cleaned one day, a few days later it all needs doing again, so why stress about it.

    Trouble is, when you have lots of time to look at all the things that need doing, you want to sort it out. Probably when I am able to tidy and clean, it won't bother me at all!! Lol!

    I did manage to clean the kitchen sink today :D
  • Jelly,

    You could always give the hubby and son a to-do list. Give them each tasks to do. Tell them you love them but the house is driving you crazy. They may do lots now, but if they knew this was really making you so upset, I bet they would be more than happy to put in a little extra effort!!

    I know it is easy to concentrate on the mundane when you have so much time on your hands. And when it is something you are used to doing yourself. Don't be hard on yourself!

    Hugs Again :)
  • She sounds like a great friend to come over and vacuum for you. I happened to find a Support in my city and they're the same ones who deliver meals on wheels and I found their website and noticed they have a cleaning service done by Personal Support Workers for only $27. for 2 hours work. She came in hung up all my clothes put away and reorganized my linen closet,cleaned the bathroom, dusts and sweeps and vacuums and washes the floor all in 2 hours! I decided for only $27. this was a Godsend for me. It doesn't take someone long to clean the place when they're healthy and have a good back. I wish you could find something like that or hire a student.

    You're so early in your healing and hope you don't do any housework. You're so right that when you're well it won't bother you. lol. Take care. CHarry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • We really are kindred spirits! I, too, am feeling this way after receiving a surprise phone call from a friend who is in town for a few days and coming over today.

    I feel bad about the state of my home and the state of my physical apperiance. Still not into my regular sized clothes and after physical therapy on Friday, I had so much swelling that I couldn't wear my new Mother's Day dress.

    I, too, know there are more important things, but this is how I feel!

    Your post today was a true gift! Letting me know that I am not alone with my feelings, and to not beat myself up over them!

    I think this stage of recovery is so difficult! We have passed the initial stage of recovery, but we aren't there yet! And our body's will let us know that time and time again if we push it!

    I think I would feel close to good, if I wasn't in PT. But, I have a life to get back to and this will help get me there.

    My hubby too, doesn't see the things I do. When I got the call yesterday, he said "by 9 am the floors will be clean!". Don't you know, at 11, I heard him tending to the yard! Only for him to say, "I didn't know she was coming over!" MEN!!

    We are here for you Jelly and we WILL make it through this! I would love to come visit one day!

    My hubby, sensing I was having a down day, gave me a copy of my daughter's assignment she had left in our copier re "MY Hero". She wrote it about me! But not why you would originally think But rather, about all that I had conquored lately. As I was feeling bad that I wasn't being a good mom for all that I wasn't able to do, she saw what I was able to do, despite the pain! I was in tears and so shocked! Truly a blessing!

    I can't wait to hear about your visit with your friend! I bet when she leaves, you will feel renewed!

    Gentle hugs! xxxxx Shari
  • Thank you all for your support - it really does make a difference.
    I have a poem I wrote on the fridge about needing help with a list of things that would need doing in the hope that it would prompt them to know what needed doing. Perhaps I need to be more specific.

    Mind you my son is cooking supper and has bought a surprise special dessert for me :-)

    Shari, how special to be able to read how your daughter admires your courage.
    How encouraging to hear that my post helped you :-)
    It helped me to vent too :D

    thank you spiney friends for your understanding.
    Wouldn't it be great if we could gather in my untidy house and have a party!!
  • Jayhawk hit the nail on the head: at a certain point in our recovery we are feeling somewhat better but still under restrictions. I feel like I have been stuck for a while.

    I am 6 months post-op and still have all of my restrictions in place. This is so unrealistic because I am a stay at home Mom of 2 girls: 5 and 8. While my husband is a big help with the laundry, food shopping etc. who else is going to ferry the kids around, go to school functions etc.?

    Both of my knees are starting to bother me from all of the squating and kneeling on hard floors! It's just a frustrating place to be in recovery. Also, unless you walk around with a sign (or cane/walker) you don't get much help, and we all know how easy that is to ask for! LOL

    OK, done with my pity-rant. Things will get better

    Take care,
  • Be grateful that you feel well enough that you are thinking of relatively unimportant things like dust bunnies rather than being obsessed with how much X, Y and Z hurt, how long will it be till you can take a little walk in the garden, etc. At least you've moved beyond only thinking about your spinal issues, to the more mundane stuff.

    Just remember that your friend is coming to see you, not your house. She knows you have had major surgery, and I'm sure she will overlook whatever shortcomings there might be.

    I know you already know this, but I will remind you anyway. Spine surgery is a great teacher of patience!! Even though we know it is going to be a long recovery, once into it, it still seems to take much longer than any of us think it should. Think of it as a life lesson -- an opportunity to learn to slow down and smell the roses, so to speak. B)
  • I am doing well in my recovery and should be grateful for that.
    I think that I have reached the stage that Shari and Lisa talked about and was feeling very low. That made me look at things I'm not happy with, and the state of the house took my focus.
    Thanks for the talk. I'll try to focus on how well I am doing :-)
  • I'm late to the party but I totally understand you. I'm starting to do more around the house but still have to be careful. My husband, God bless him, is doing stuff but he also doesn't see dirt (or wants it to be so bad that he sees a difference when he cleans).

    Last night I came home to the vaccuum and realized that he vaccuumed AND did the kitchen floor...I nearly cried b/c the house finally looked clean.

    The dust is still here and I do what I can, when I can but I can't do my full-on cleaning and I hate it.

    I'm glad you have a friend coming over to help. It is so difficult to not be able to do as much which means you actually have time to notice everything you aren't doing...but at the end of your life....will you really be thinking "Darn, I wish I cleaned more?' Nope...you will say "thank goodness, I let my friend come over to lift my spirits and for me to listen to what's going on in her life and offer her support".

    Hugs...oh, and if you find a Male Maid that's pleasing to the eye...please don't be selfish, remember there are other people here that would benefit from the service.
  • Hi Jelly! Really it doesn't matter about the state of your house. I know that I tried to do some housework too soon and regretted it. I think you just have to train yourself to think like a man! If they can't see the mess then neither can you!
    I am 7 months post op tomorrow (PLIF L5S1) and only really did "proper" cleaning for the first time last week! I have been doing the "cat's lick" for a while but I just couldn't ignore the mess any more. My husband just didn't do the things that I would do. I have to point out that he has been out of work since before my op so has had all day to clean but...... It seems to take him 20 times longer than me. He did come out with "I can't do all the house stuff as well as my own things"! Which has made me wonder how I manage and still go to work??? Anyway....So I have finally cleaned the mud off the walls (two retreivers) and hoovered the cobwebs etc.
    I think that maybe I could have done it earlier but I suffered so much when I went back to work that I was afraid of the doing too much syndrome. Also I prioritised my swimming and walking regime over the boring cleaning regime!!! LOL.
    I have to say that I am OK now and the housework didn't cripple me so I am glad that I left it so long. If people judged me on the state of the house I don't care! Let them have meccano stuffed in their spine and see how much vacuuming they do!
    So, in short, "them as matter don't care and them that care don't matter".
    Hope you keep on with what sounds like fab progress!
    Love Helen
  • You're so right nel, by the time I have got myself up and ready (takes longer than it used to) and then done my 2 walks and exercises, a little nap if I need one (after not sleeping well at night) a spell of time on spine Health, there is very little time to do things like cleaning!!! Lol!! No, really, I am slowly managing to contribute more to the running of the house, but I do have to be careful. I have hurt myself a few times! :-(

    I love the support and understanding I get here. thanks everyone! :-)
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