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all types of pain & betrayal

FarmgrrlFFarmgrrl Posts: 146
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:44 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hi to all my fellow spineys,

I decided that its finally time to reach out for some support. I have something to discuss that I really have been ashamed to bring up previously.

As you might know, I had a 2nd discectomy with a laminectomy at the end of January. I'm a nurse and I lost my job at the end of Feb. I'm feeling down today with lots of thoughts flying through my head. I'm still waiting for a call back about a potential job that I interviewed for but also received distressing news from my former employer. I reapplied for a job in a different department and was told I would not be granted an interview. I am still dealing with a decent amount of pain, still taking my Aleve and Zanaflex everyday but doing better with not needing so much Percocet. Basically, that sums up some of my depression and anxiety: no job, still have a bit of pain (not the results I expected) and waiting for call backs for other jobs I have applied for with different companies.

My shame lies in my partner who is supposed to be my support but I feel like I'm the one supporting him. Financially & emotionally. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and has previously abused drugs in the past. I met him a year after my back surgery and didn't realize the extent of his problem until I had my liver surgery last summer. At that time I was having anxiety problems related to his partying ways while I was recovering from surgery and my doc gave me some Xanax. My sister caught my BF stealing those pills and I kicked him out. We had a sit down almost intervention-like event with his friends and he straightened up his act. Weeks later, I caught him digging through my purse (in my car trunk) while he was drunk and he was stealing my Vicodin pills. He also admitted that he had taken all the Percocet that I had on hand as well. Out the door he went again. Again I let him back into my life and then my back problems started again a month after the 2nd incident. At that point I also stopped taking Ambien because he would find those too and leave me with none (I switched to melatonin).

When my back problems started again, I was extremely stressed in trying to hide my meds in different areas of my house, constantly moving them. He reassured me again and again that he would never touch them because he knew he'd be out the door and we would be done. A friend had previously suggested a lock box idea and I never would buy one. I guess that would mean that there REALLY was a problem. A month after my back surgery, I finally bought a luggage lock for a jewelry box I have (one that I could set the combo to) as I was almost hurting myself because I finally had resorted to keeping my pills under my mattress. I knew that he wouldn't be able to get to them if I was sleeping on top of them.

On top of the pill mess, he drinks more days than not. On mother's day morning I couldn't take it anymore and left for my mom's house for two nights. I was unable to sleep, knowing that he was partying it up in the living room playing video games with his buddies. If I asked for quiet, there was snickering and rude remarks. I came home a couple of days later and he was apologetic. This past Sunday night I woke up at 1 am and noticed he wasn't home yet from work. While trying to go back to sleep, I heard him come in the house and leave again. I got up and noticed my car keys were gone. I went outside and my car was gone! My BF has no driver's license because he has never gotten it back after his last DUI. He knows that if he is ever caught again he will go to jail for a very very long time. He came back very quickly, he said he just had to go to the store for cigarettes. It was obvious he was drunk. I left the house again in the middle of the night and met a friend for a few hours to talk and have breakfast. He has now been sober for the last 3 days.

I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. I do love him very much but how do you take care of someone else when you, yourself, are still sick? He does nothing but shut-down every time I try to have a serious conversation with him.


  • Don't you deserve better than this?
  • have already come to a conclusion about your situation.

    You have to be your own advocate here..

    Take care,

  • You know the answer. You need to help yourself. Either kick him out or move to your mom's. Tell him if he loves you he would want the best for you and he sure isn't that - not the way he is now.
  • You DO deserve better than this.

    Of course we don't know the whole situation, but it does sound like he has some serious growing up to do. What does your family say? Do you have a good support system if you end things? What do you want for your future, and can you get there with this person in your life?

    Believe in yourself. You'll make the right decision.

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • It sounds like he doesn't care whether you have enough pills to relieve your pain by stealing them from you and driving your car with no license. There's AA if he wants to get help available and al-anon for family members. Can you see yourself with him in the next 5 years? A good separation would be good for him and if he went to rehab hospital to get help for his problem would show that he wants to change. I hope you don't put up with this abuse any longer. You deserve better you've been through so much yourself. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Have you ever considered talking to someone in Al-Anon? They may be able to help you figure out a plan of action that will allow you to feel good about yourself and the situation no matter which way things go.

    Wishing you all the best.

  • I think you have the answers as to what you need to do and is just a matter of finding the courage to carry through with it. I would imagine at this point your relationship is turning to one, more of co-habitation. He is going to have to want to get help for the issues before you can even begin to help him. One of the bad things about addiction that failure is very high in recovery or one addiction is changed for another. Which typically is why you need to get the professionals involved. It is very important that you understand that in noway shape or form is his addiction your fault. You can't do anything to make someone want to get sober. As the others have said Al-non is great resource and can really help you understand the big picture of it all, for the non-addicted person. Your not admitting defeat or anything by using the program it is just that sometimes it helps to get the professional involved. Addiction is a illness in itself and it can make the entire family unit ill. We are here for support any time as you go through this, but unfortunately I think you need someone directly involved to help both he and you out. Take care and I do hope he gets help sooner than later.
  • hey farmgrl
    sorry for all your spine issues and the stress of no job will of course add to your health..
    and i hope you get something soon.
    I could write a book on the b/f issue.
    if you support him as you said and if you stop..and he can't get money and can't get pills from you...
    ever again and you make sure he knows it,
    trust me he will leave..
    if its your home..kick him out asap...
    You make a choice everyday your with him...
    believe me i don't know the whole story and don't have to ..i was there and kept telling myself but i love him..and i really believe it also everytime he changed for few days.
    I am a stronger person for getting rid of him, and the hell he caused me...was hard to do cause you want to believe you can help him..
    You can not and it's not your fault..and you deserve to work on yourself and your health issues..
    make tomorrow the day..YOU COME FIRST
    take care of you
    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • Hi hon~
    I hate to say this...but, because I was married to one I can say..he is acting just like he is supposed to...he is an ADDICT! Now..what happens is up to you...because until he bottoms out and gets into a recovery program nothing will change. He probably means every promise he makes...until he is jonesin for drugs...then, nothing else matters. Now...this is the time for you to take care of yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results..I know..I did for years. No more. Hon, I pray you will realize that it's time to take care of yourself..you can't fix him...and it's time to focus on you...if not now..when? Praying for you!
  • My father was alcoholic and stole everything he could get his hands on to buy booze. Then I went on to marry two more alcoholics. Dumb maybe, but it was the kind of life I was used to. About 20 years ago I went through some therapy where I learned to value ME and found out that I did not have to live that way.
    Instead of women taking abuse from men and justifying it by saying "But I love him.", we need to learn to say "I love him...BUT." If he's really an alcoholic drug abuser it won't get better on it's own. It's up to you if you let it continue.
  • Well, we had a talk last Thursday and decided mutually that we should break-up. He told me he would need time to work out a living situation and I agreed. Things were good and civil until Sunday. He didn't come home Sat. night and I went out to breakfast with a friend. I came home to find him passed out in the middle of my living room floor. I then went into my bedroom and found that he had broken into my med box (somehow he figured out the combination) and taken 4 of my Ambien. I called his sister and told her what happened. She was resigned to the situation. While I was on the phone with her, he managed to get up and move to the sofa. I texted his friends and one was at my house by noon to pick up all of the stuff I had already packed. I took his house key and he went to work that night. Monday they came over and picked up the rest of his stuff.

    He is now very apologetic (of course). He says he has been sober now since Sunday morning. He cried before he left and actually said he was sorry. That meant a lot but I guess time will tell what he chooses to do now...I just told him that he deserved to treat himself better.

    I thank you all for your comments and support. Its been a rough week.
  • Hello Farmgrrl,
    Just reading your story,so sorry for your stress in this,it can be more debilitating than physical pain. If you have the time,reading the book Co-Dependent No More and doing some research regarding passive/aggressive men ,will be very enlightening for you. Like they say,"knowledge is power".
    I hope he doesn't wear you down...men like him are masters of chaos,manipulation,and betrayal. I hope things get better for you.
  • I followed your advice and bought the book yesterday. I spoke to my brother's ex-wife today and she recommended it to me and I was was happy to tell her I already bought it! Thank you for your support, my next step is Al-Anon...that's going to be the hard part.

    He's been OK though it seemed like he was holding out hope that we'd be able to work this out in the future. I found out this weekend that he's now planning on moving out of state to try for a fresh start.
  • Sorry that you are dealing with all this at a time when you are not at your best, and need to physically get yourself healthier.
    Dealing with and alcoholic and addict is never easy. I just wanted to add that so many try and leave to another place, be another town, or state or country. The problem is is that where ever he/she goes they always bring themselves, So until they A) don't die..B) Get into rehab and help and stay clean and sober. .. ( hagland is right the numbers are not great for recovery, however it is possible) C) or end up in jail.
    You cannot cure him and you did not cause this either.

    So be gentle and kind to yourself. As all the others have said you do deserve better.

  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    hey Farmgrrl,
    Been following this post for a while and finally had to add my two cents for whatever it's worth. You have so much going on with your personal health and that is what is most important. Your boyfriend is too self-centered to realize what he is losing. You have gone above and beyond to try and save this relationship with no help from him. It's time to move on, like others have said here, you deserve so much better. Your career was giving help to others in need and you will never know how many positive ways you have touched others lives out there. Now it's time for you to receive that same support.
    I know that special person is out there Farmgrrl and hope only the best for you.
    Take care,
  • I have to say that I think you should have him out of your home ASAP, esp after that last stunt he pulled. I hope you called EMS and had him taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped out. That is one experience he will never forget and it will also save his life.

    If there is a will, there is a way...if you hide your meds on the moon he will get to them. I'm sure he has a friend's couch to crash on. This whole situation will only hinder your back surgery recovery. You can't involve yourself in helping your BF if you are still not healed. You need to take care of YOU FIRST. You shouldn't have to stress yourself out over hiding meds in YOUR OWN HOME. Your boyfriend has a serious problem that needs professional help.

    Don't accept apologies anymore, tell him to go to rehab first, complete the program, and then you both can talk later. There will be relapses, this is normal but the person just has to pick up where they left off and keep going in the right direction.

    Hang in there, take care of yourself most importantly, and hope for the best. Hugs, Meydey
  • hey farmgrrl,
    be very careful with this guy it sounds like he is only out for himself. Did you find another job and did they get rid of you due to missin work from surgery? I hope that isnt the case cuz that is screwed up.I hope everything works out ill keep u in my prayers.
  • I went through the same thing w/ my husband which I've now been separated from since last August. In the begining I had no clue he was stealing my meds. Funny thing is he was going and buying more to replace mine so I wouldn't find out. Skip a couple of months and I finally found out by being my own private eye...looked through everything and found most of the info on his phone and starting calling the numbers...he finally went to rehab and said he was never going to do that again. Well, last year we both got laid off from work and started to college when I started noticing that as soon as he got home he would pass out, I mean drooling and falling out of the recliner pass out...then I knew. I had to give myself a break so I took my child and myself to stay w/ family members far away from home so I could process. A week later I had made up my mind and on my way home. As soon as I got home I had a talk w/ him and told him that I love him but I couldn't live like this. I still love him and talk to him every now and then and would go back to him if I was positive he was straight but I know he isn't. It's very hard when you heart tells you one thing and your gut tells you something else. I have found my gut never leads me in the wrong direction even if it hurts, and it does. Good luck and just listen to your gut feeling.
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