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I've really had enough

Amanda S YanisAAmanda S Yanis Posts: 124
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:44 AM in Matters of the Heart
How do I leave my husband?? I need to leave, even though this is MY house because he has said he would fight me for it, plus I cannot afford it and it is falling apart. He knows I want to leave, but he refuses to believe it. He thinks he can talk me into staying, but I just don't want to anymore. I know he will fight for my kids, and probably win, but I just have to believe that they will be better off not seeing us fight ALL the TIME! I just don't know how to do this. And I have no money, just my credit cards. Should I file for divorce Now? or wait until I leave? What am I gonna do about my back?? It still needs daily dressing changes, and he's been doing them, but once I leave what will I do? Should I wait to leave just because of that?? It sounds pretty silly to me!! I just don't know how to do this, but I know I definatley need to.


  • Not knowing where you from and being from Indiana.
    we have churchs other place that a women can leave their husband and stay at a half way house for up to six months till they on their feet. They also except kids to. You might want to look into place like this.Also they wont let hubby know where you at.

  • was to hang on and try to sort things out but then my wife reminded me that i left my wife whilst my stitches were still in my back !! {i would not have left her but she was having an affair with someone and out marriage was essentially over about two years before she made it so bad for me that i had no choice}.divorce is not easy and no one wins ..its degrees of loosing ..can things be resolved ?? if not have you some place to go?? have you any money ? is there anyone else involved one either side? .take time to think and i know that's easier said than done your mind wont be at its best with you in pain ..get advice from a solicitor and DONT do anything rash .and i wish you all the luck in the world because you will need it .divorce is a messy business and you will get hurt ...sorry but its the way it is ..remember you carnt live on fresh air .you need money and you need some place to live and you need to look after your health requirements ..i would rather die than get divorced again especially now i am disabled
    tony x
  • I've felt this way for years. It is definatly not a rash decision. I really think that if I stay I would be beyond miserable and things would get worsse. He has cheated on me numerous times in the past 8 years, and is starting to act mysterious again. He tells me I am a horrible mother, that I'm crazy, worthless, lazy, you name it. He gets mad because the house isn't cleaned, yet he won't help out because he has to work every day. Before we met, he had a son and I had a daughter. He has 50/50 visitation with his son so he is here more often than not. I have no control over this boy. I am not allowed to discipline him, he doesnt' have to listen to me, and isn't expected to follow the same rules as my daughter even though they are only 8 months apart. I've fought that battle so much that him, his son, and all his family think I'm jealous of his son, and I'm just being selfish. How crazy is it that a paid babysitter has more control over my step-son than I do, because I'm not his mother?? I find that absurd, but he sees nothing wrong with that, even though all 4 kids will be home with me the majority of the summer.
    And its not just that. It is sooo much more. I'm responsible for everything in this house. From the kids, to bills, to the insurance, to cleaning, to shopping. What is the point of being in a relationship if I'm on my own anyways?? He goes to work, comes home, coaches his son's baseball team 4-5 nights a week, plays his video games in the basement away from everyone else, then goes to sleep. Our house is falling apart, but instead of taking care of that, he jumps EVERY time his family needs his help at their houses.
    He informed me this weekend that his son wanted a friend to spend the night. I said that nobody was allowed to have company over until our house is clean. Our carpets are so dirty that it turns your feet black after walking on them. We have a carpet cleaner, but should I be using it? NO. Does he care about that? Nope. I'm just lazy and don't want his son to have any fun. My surgery was almost 3 months ago, so I know I could probably do more. But between the infection and trying to wean off the pain meds, I have felt so sick I can't get out of bed. And it's been so hot here I feel like passing out after being up for 5 minutes. God forbid we get our air conditioners put in, becuase he spent all weekend putting in his parents instead, oh and opening up their pool. I'm trying really hard to get back to normal, but it is going to take awhile. He doesn't get that. I should have been up and going a week afer surgery according to him. And then me getting the staph infection was because I didn't take good enough care of myself. Which would totally explain why he let me lay in bed for two days with a fever and blood pouring out of my incision before he would take me to the hospital.

    So yeah, LOl I don't believe that I'm making a rash decision. and Trust me, I hate that fact that I'm taking my kids away from their father. That is what has kept me all these years.

    I can come up with some money, and could borrow from my parents if needed. I've looked at apartments and found one for 550/month. My middle son gets SSDI, and I get child support for my oldest daughter, so between that I have about 1000/month. I know I'll need to apply for help at first. But when summer is over and the kids go back to school, I'm hoping to find a job, or if anything, go back to my old job. I've been a single mom before, so I know I can do it. I just don't really know where to begin, or maybe I just need that push to actually do it?
  • Amanda unless you or the kids are in immediate physical danger take the time to make a plan. I don't remember all of your stories from previous posts but I think I would have remembered if it was that dangerous. I also don't think you would consider leaving kids behind if he was violent.

    Every marriage has hard times and either or both parties being injured makes it so much worse. There are all kinds of emotions running wild including jealousy, anger, betrayal, neglect and fear. Before you make any decisions you need to speak with a professional. Try your church - or any church. Stay away from friends and family who will be biased. If you don't feel comfortable with clergy look in the book for a women shelter. They can refer you to someone.

    I know you don't want to hear this (I sure didn't back then) but you should not make any decision when you are in pain. Fact is you really don't need to make any decisions right now. Sounds like the two of you have already talked about this. He can't be all bad if he's changing your dressing. So tell him you need some space. Maybe rearrange the house so you have seperate bedrooms and living areas.

    I hear your worry about the kids. I would talk to them and explain that you are fighting with each other about grown up things and it's not about them. They would be worse off without you. Again tell your husband that you both need to spend time with the kids seperately and that your problems are not for discussion with them.

    I remember a councelor telling me many years ago that you should not make any life decisions within a year of a life event. Sounds like you are ready to give it all away so you have nothing to lose by staying. Maybe some time will allow you to heal and then you might be able to work on the rest.
  • I know it is hard and I can hear your frustration and anger. I would feel that way too!

    Our fusions were around the same time as one another. I know that at times I am an emotional wreck! We have been through so much! In addition to the stress of such a massive surgery, we both had complications, the funtional decline leading to surgery, the isolation, the finacial impact, the side effects of the medications, the pain, the inability to be independent, the inability to do the things we use to like to do, the list could go on and on!

    I too, have been told in counseling to not make any life decisions during and after a life changing occurance. Having major surgery is one of the top 10 life stressors. And if I rememer, I think you had a 360 which is two major surgeries at once!

    If you are not in danager and he isn't violent can you wait until after you have healed. You really need help with household activities, shopping, driving, cleaning, groceries, parenting, etc.

    We are all here to support you, cheer you on and be your shoulder to lean on while you try to get through this.

    Which ever way you decide we are here for you! Wishing you the very best!
  • just to point out, I didn't have a fusion. I just had a microdiscectomy. I'll respond later to the rest when I have more time.
  • There's usually a abuse Nurse at many hospitals who may help you with counseling and help you through this time. While in your new apartment you can start the process of putting your house up for sale. Best to see a Lawyer who can counsel you. You don't deserve the emotional abuse while you're trying to heal from your surgery. Call ahead to hospital ERs to see if they ave an abuse Nurse to speak to. Best wishes. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • just be careful and have a plan and some money safe .you do sound like you are making the right decision {maybe not the best time for you to do it!} but a man like that ...you can do without ..i have a similar story on here form another member .so its not so uncommon .my first wife just left me to rot after my first operation so i know what that's like ..i am ok now with a caring wife in a safe environment .but we still have our problems and most of them are my wife has not let me discipline her wayward son {i don't mean hit or anything } she lets him get away with anything .so much so that he has ended in trouble with the law and had lost good jobs and his driving licence and and and !!! but i cant say a word !!{meanwhile my girl gets A in all her subjects at school and is a good as gold} so i can relate to that part of your story ..anyway back to you ..remember this will be very hard for you as you are not well and have kids ..just plan it well if you are going to go through with it and good luck as you will need it
  • I know you're upset now, but I also agree that you should take a deep breath, collect yourself, and then set a plan in motion to leave this dirty rat.

    Use any resource available to you; call an abuse hotline and let them refer you to places that can give you a safe and anonymous place to stay. They can also help you get set up with a lawyer, hopefully one who is working pro bono. Apply for every kind of help you can get through the state: medicaid, s chip, tanf, etc.

    Set up your own bank acct if you haven't done so already. Keep emergency cash hidden just in case. I would also have bags ready if you have to leave in a hurry.

    This is all I can think of for now. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this while you are trying to recover.
  • wow. This thread was not was I thought it was about. I can actually relate to some of your issues and am appalled by other issues. I agree with many here that you def need a plan. One that includes talking to someone who is unbiased and can offer forms of help for you to get out with your kids and make a new life.

    Can your parents help you with household things as well as taking care of you while you recover? What about taking kids and staying with them for a brief time? I don't know honey. You deserve so much better and talk to someone first and get your ducks in a row so to speak. I wish you the very best and hope to hear of better things soon. Hope your recovery improves as well. Thinking of you =)

    Tara in CT
    Had ACDF on April 16, 2010. Some complications and wondering if it was worth it as pain is back in full force.
  • I go to my doctor on Wednesday, well maybe, I actually have to reschedule because it is my youngest sons rewards day at school. But yeah, I was planning on asking her to refer me to a psychiatrist or something. I've tried counceling with him before, and it just didn't help, so I'm gonna try to go by myself to a pro this time.

    I was planning on staying until the beginning of july because I it will take me that long to pack everything and find a place. although he came home today and told me I could keep the house but he won't leave. That is why I thought I would just leave because when i've asked him to before he just got an attitude and told me I couldnt' make him leave.

    Ok that is all my ramblings for tonight. He is watching me on here, so I better go before he starts to read what I've wrote.
  • I think everyone else has given you some sound advise. Definitely make a plan and look for all the help you can get. I grew up in a house with a lot of verbal abuse, mostly directed at my mother but then at the oldest daughter (me) when she wasn't around. Even his disrespect of you can be traumatic and confusing for the kids. It sounds like both you and your children would be better served by getting out of this relationship.

    Divorce is so tough. I have been through that as well but, in the long run things turned out so much better for me. Hopefully it will work out as well for you.

    Wishing you lots of luck.

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