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Mysery...

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,622
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:44 AM in Chronic Pain
I swear, it just keeps piling on. I have had dental problems for a long time, spent about 6 grand on my top teeth in the last 18 months, plus numerous root canals and crowns in the last 3 years. Two weeks ago, another horrendous toothache and another capped front tooth needed a root canal; then another further back started hurting. Between the two, root canals and crowns gonna be over 3,000. I have been contemplating a denture on top for some time, but because I am not that old and the thought kind of bothered me ( because I’m a pretty vain old gal), I didn’t do it. Last year I spent about 2,300 on a 3 tooth bridge for the top too. I decided to get the denture finally. I went in and he drilled a hole in each tooth that was infected so they could drain, did the imprints and sent me home on antibiotics to wait for the denture to be made. 10 days of pain and misery, my face was so swollen, then one of the front teeth with the drain hole, fell apart (it was an expensive crown) so I had a missing front tooth. I called my dentist in tears cuz it hurt and no way is this old broad going anywhere missing a front tooth. He managed to build a fairly decent looking epoxy tooth that held till the denture came in. Got them all pulled, have been wearing the denture, another round of antibiotics and – I am on my own! I actually think having shoulder surgery last year was easier than these damn teeth! The only person who even showed any concern was my daughter who came over the day of, and brought me some beautiful flowers and gave me a hug and some sympathy. My husband could give $hit less how I feel. Just got stitches out yesterday but they are still not healed by any means. The husband did not make me one bowl of soup, do one chore, I still had to cook, clean, do dishes, etc., then he had the nerve to question WHEN I was going back to work. I so wish I could afford to get rid of him, but I cannot. I would have to pay him so much equity, I will not do it! I had my house long before him, and I will not leave, nor can I afford to pay him off.. He and my son (who has been very helpful) left on a camping trip this morning. I can’t go because I hurt and I’m not in the mood for it anyway. Then, my husband was supposed to go get me 10 bales of hay yesterday because I’m about out and I asked him right before I left for work this morning if he was gonna grab those before they left. I got yelled at, screamed at, and I guess I’ll be doing that myself too. I cannot stand the ignorant SOB. At least my son-in-law will come by tonight and unload it for me. I’m hoping the guy I buy from will load it on for me. I recently found out that I need a hip replacement on top of my freaking nerve pain, my hip has been getting worse and worse. I mentioned that to my husband and he blew a gasket – oh more time off work huh?… and “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say”. Well, lets see I NEVER complain to him about my back or nerve pain because I knew he will just yell at me. I haven’t said a word about my hip needing replacement, even though I have known it for quite some time. The last couple months the injections have stopped working and it feels like it’s coming right out of the socket – he doesn’t care about that tho. He’s mad cuz I don’t feel good. He doesn’t see that work is killing me. Maybe he’ll drive his ATV off a cliff over the weekend and I won’t have to worry about it. Ya, that sounds horrible, but I am so sick of his selfish, ignorant, uncaring rude comments I could shoot him myself. I told him if he ever ends up with an issue, I will be sure to return the excellent care he has given me. When he had knee surgery (Miniscus removed) several years ago and again when he had two wisdom teeth out, you would have thought he’d die. He laid on the couch for days and I fixed him homemade soups, or whatever he wanted. I babied him like a child, waited on him hand and foot. That will NEVER ever happen again!
Well, thanks for listening, I am so upset, disgusted, mad, sad, I can’t even put it all into words. I just needed to talk, thanks for whomever listens. Marion
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Comments

  • Vent away it makes you feel better. Sorry to hear about your mouth and hip problems. Your husband sounds like a real bully. I hope somehow your relationship would get better. I pray you can have some peace from your husband's mean ways and hope somehow he will be more gentle towards you. You don't deserve that after what you've been through. I just wanted to validate what you're saying and will pray for a better situation. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Marion you are not alone. You know in your heart that he really doesn't mean what is coming out of his mouth. My husband is the same way. If I tell him I have an appt he will make a comment about how that;s all I do. He also makes it seem like he is mad that my problems take away from what he wants to do. I'm guessing that your husband made some comment about you not going with the this weekend.

    What I have learned and I think you know from reading your post, is that this is their way of expressing their anger that we are in pain and they can't fix it. Give my husband a hammer and he can fix anything. But ask him to take care of me when I'm sick!!! lmao.

    What you have to remember is that they are not mad at us. They are frustrated that they can't fix it. Also there is a portion that is them acting like a baby because you are interfearing with what they want to do - but that's a much smaller part.

    So you have the weekend to yourself. What's planned? Maybe a bubble bath? Or a manicure?
  • Rejoice - why you ask? To have a whole weekend on your own, doing what you want, having the opportunity to moan on this forum, not having to do the housework, cook and clean for your husband (but only for yourself) should be something to celebrate, in my opinion. As the post before said, have a lovely hot bubble-bath, put some music on, read some 'trashy' (as my daughters call them) magazines - they mean mags for women, not anything rude I hasten to add. Enjoy the peace and quiet!!

    Sorry to hear about your selfish husband. He may not want to hear about all your health problems/appointments etc., but to be fair, I'm sure you, like alot of us, don't want to talk about them either - we'd much rather not have to endure them ourselves!

    I haven't been through all the discomfort of having dentures, but my husband has. Over many months last year he put up with chronic toothaches and was like a bear with a sore head. It got to a point where he and I couldn't bear it any more and he had the lot, bar TWO, pulled out from upper and lower! He was very miserable as you can imagine, but now, apart from the odd troublesome problem with getting used to the new dentures, it was the best thing he ever did. He can now eat and enjoy steaks again!

    I know it can't be easy, but try and see the positives of your situation NOW - you've got the whole weekend to do just as you please - make the most of it and enjoy.

    I just wanted to let you know that although people don't always vent their frustrations like you have, I'm sure you are not alone. I've always found this forum to be very supportive and it certainly helps when you're feeling a bit down with nobody to talk to.


    SUE
    2 x Microdiscectomy 2005 / PLIFusion 2-level 2010 / revision surgery 2011 / NEVRO Senza spinal cord stimulator implanted February 2013. I WILL NOT GIVE IN / UP !!
  • :D I bet your were beating the heck out of the keys when you typed that post! Get it all out girl -- you deserve a break -- so while the men are gone this weekend -- just take a break from being a woman -- pretend you're a man (no offense guys) and do nothing! Just take care of the essentials -- you know like keeping your animals alive (LOL!) and forget the rest -- it will be there for another day.

    Judy
  • I did relax yesterday, and feel a bit better today, although I still need to go get some hay. I ended up leaving work at noon, and my daughter and grandson came over and we did a lobster tail/crab boil that was good. I had a hard time chewing the food, but I managed. LOL! She and my baby boy always cheer me up. I guess I just feel like I am stuck in this hole and can't get out. The nerve pain is one thing, but then living with a jerk and knowing I can't end that really irritates me. I honestly would never treat another human being the way he does, it is so hurtful and feels so uncaring and ignorant. I guess after having been raised by my own monsterous parents, I just always knew that is not how you treat people, especially those that you proclaim or are supposed to love! I could never be like that, ever... I'm sure if he had some issue, I would still take care of the jerk because I'm just not the kind of person that can ignore someone hurting or upset. Yesterday, I could have shot him, maybe today too - but like you all said I don't have to worry about that for a couple days! I guess I'll get the ole hair dyed today and soak in a nice hot tub while the dye works it's magic, then go get the stupid hay. Blitz told me he is getting a little concerned about the lack of groceries in his barn. LOL! He is so cute, he has some berry cobbler with ice cream that Jesika (my daughter) made yesterday and he slurps it up like a big doggie.. Well, thanks for listening to my rant yesterday, I appreciate it. I guess if I had some "real" friends, it might be helpful, but even the few I have, I don't really talk about these type of issues. I'm pretty private, but I guess I feel like I can spew forth whatever here for some reason.. Take care all! Marion
  • I just can't imagine living in a household where you dread seeing the one you live with, the one you're married to and my heart goes out to you.

    Are you sure there's no way to get him out of your house? Have you researched all possibilities? I have a husband that is so understanding even though he knows nothing about what I'm going through that it breaks my heart to hear that someone has to live like that in addition to what we're already going through.

    That's just no way to live. This is what the show "Snapped" is about. LOL

    Take care, Marion. I'm sorry to hear about how difficult it is for you but glad that you have your Blitz to love and get it in return.

    Have you guys tried counceling?

    Cath
  • "in sickness and in health", guess ur selfish hubbie didnt listen to that part of the bargain when it came to marriage. I am very sorry that this has all happened to u. Are you only really with him because you cant afford to be without him? Marriage should be about trust, love, fun, humour, commitment AND SUPPORT...something that isnt obviously in this relationship. My partner is so loving and caring-nothing is ever too much to ask. Theres no way i would put up with that selfishness...but thats me, my personal opinion. I find it extremely sad when couples only stay together for money. Id rather be broke bully free than have $$ and feel lonely. Im sorry to hear about your teeth and your hip-u really need to get your hip soughted-stuff what mr hubbie thinks. Dont NOT get it seen to for fear that he might make a smartass remarke. Sorry, i know that i prob shouldnt be making these comments on a relationship that i dont really know anything about-except for the negative...u didnt say one nice thing about him....that says it all, doesnt it? Good luck x
  • No, there is no way to get rid of him, and yes I am there because I will NOT pay him 50 thousand dollars equity to get him out - I cannot do it financially and he isn't worth it! I had my house long before I had him... I had planned on taking a medical, but I will lose over half my pay on one, and now that the economy is so bad, his construction business is down the tubes. I have to work if I want to keep my house, take care of my animals, etc. There is no choice. He used to be my best friend, before I had such terrible pain. I wish he could have a week of non-stop nerve pain, scatia, that would be awesome! Maybe then he'd have a clue. I know it's sick, but I hope for that for him, because he is a dick!
  • So sorry you are going through this with your 'former best friend'... Like others, I will not try to give advice, as there is a lot going on obviously in your relationship that we will never know of. Options though?

    Like was said, men tend to act out when they can't "fix" something, especially if that something is someone they love and care for. Have you all talked (no, not argue), talked about what you are going through and what support you want or need from him? We aren't 'light switches', so somewhere the bulb dimmed, but has it, or is it lack of understanding each other?

    Granted it could be his 'true self' came out with all of the stresses of life, and your medical issues, but just wondering is all. From what you've described, it is a crappy situation right now no matter how you spin it. Again, sorry to hear you in this situation. Support *HUG*

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Brenda is right. You need to talk. Nothing gets resolved by burying it in the closet. So sit down calmly (no yelling) and tell him how you feel and what you need. Ask him what is bothering him.

    You know we usually forget that there is someone else effected by our problems. No one treats the spouse. They are expected to step up and change their lives but are largely ignored. Same goes for kids, parents and the rest of our loved ones.

    Just some thoughts.
  • It just ends up the same. He says all I care about is myself. I can't retire because we'll lose everything, I can't take a medical because we'll lose everything. It's always on me - always has been. He doesn't see what my problem is. I tell him, just because I sit at a desk all day - you seem to think it hurts less. It doesn't. It hurts all the time, it is a struggle to even walk in the morning, he see's me, he knows - he doesn't care. When we talk, he ends up yelling at me and it always ends the same way. He screams, so what you just want to quit working so we lose everything? You just want to sit around on your ass all day? Look at me, I'm in construction - you couldn't even do MY job! Uhm, no I couldn't, and I can't even do my own desk job anymore - hello... It is killing me and he doesn't get it, nor does he care. He is already making plans to go camping this weekend, even tho he knows I feel like hell and it's all I can do to get to work. He's gonna blow a gasket when I tell him - I ain't going. I don't feel like it, I'm tired, I'm trashed and I hurt. Yes, it used to be one of my favorite activities, but I'm just not into it right now. It's all about what HE wants to do and everybody better jump on the bandwagon and join him.
  • Mouse,

    I believe you have tried, no question. Okay, have you tried this? Are there activities you *both* use to enjoy that your medical situation now still allows? I mean stuff like, card games with friends, moonlight swims, a glass of wine on the porch, gentle walks - together? My hubby got fussy once because "she (me) doesn't want to do anything anymore!" He knew I hurt, but I hadn't relayed what that hurt meant in my activities and what I could do. We have now shifted gears, and we have 'we' time again - the time we learned to enjoy that made us friends before the dating thing or the marry thing was on the board! Just a thought.

    I figure what I mentioned above gives a bit of neutral ground in that its not just about you, not just about him, but about you TWO. :)

    Brenda - Wishing your day is going well. *HUG*
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I really got into it with my husband cuz last week was my long week and I was just trashed. I didn't do a lot over the weekend and he wants me to go camping this weekend. I used to enjoy the heck out of that but I'd rather be home relaxing these days, can't stand the man. I took yesterday off cuz I hurt so bad and I'm running short on meds this month, I do see my doc tomorrow thankfully, but with all the dental issues - it's been rough. Because I took off, I got the usual lecture from him about how my whole life revolves around pain meds, and I don't want to do nothing anymore, and blah, blah, blah, and how he doesn't think my medication even works, blah, blah, blah, and my doctor is a quack - and the best was, I have mentioned to him that i"m on this page, and they are all just a bunch of wacko's giving me an excuse not to do anything and feel sorry for myself. Uhm, I do that for myself just fine, don't need any help there thanks! I could have shot him. After a big blow up, he told me to put in for a medical and we'll just lose everything, blah, blah, blah, which is what I need to do but then it comes right back to - we'll lose everything and then that too will be my fault. I told him I could just go blow my brains out and put us both out of my misery, then he would have 150G; I would be dead so he can do whatever he wants!
    He doesn't know that I changed my my life insurance policy at work and instead of leaving it all to him, it is divided in 3rds, each of my kids each get a third, and if I do decide to off myself, it will quickly be changed to 50/50 between the two kids and not a penny to him. He has NO retirement, that is left up to me, and he has NO life insurance policy for me, so I don't really care. I have always carried the load. When he was working a lot, he did make great money - we were loaded, but he squandered most of it away on new trucks, trailers, ATVs every year and whatever else he wanted. He put none of it into savings and we are in financial turmoil now because being a contractor, he has no work. I am the stupidest person I know for going along with all his money spending, and not putting my foot down with all the new toys! Now I'm stuck with no way out of this mess and stuck with him too boot. Ya, it's probably wierd to be on here blabbering all this crap but I really don't have friends I talk to. It's all me, all alone, all the time. I am a loaner. Nobody really knows me - so who cares. I can babble, you can all think I'm an idiot and that's o.k. Maybe I need to just start a journal and write things down instead of here.. But, seriously, what a great soap opera - you can't get this crap on t.v.!
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    Take a DEEP BREATH. :D
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • I agree with Jim, take a deep breath and try to relax. Apparently he isn't going to change - so sorry for that. But know that on here, I highly doubt anyone on here thinks you an idiot! We are here for you. Big Support *HUGZ*

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Wonder if that is possible.. LOL! My son actually had a big talk with his dad while they were camping. He told him how he feels when he screams at him over everything and anything. He called me from the mountain last weekend bawling. When he came home, my neighbor talked to him about the way he screams at everyone too. It must have done a whole lot of good, cuz he talked to me at length, says he knows he's been out of control and horrible and he knows I want out. I hope it lasts. It has been like a normal non-screaming household all week. Peaceful and harmonious. I have prayed and prayed for this and I pray it lasts! Thanks to all of you for listening to me, for your excellent advice and thoughtfullness. I really needed to talk to someone because I was going crazy, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to listen. It means a lot! Marion
  • LizLiz Posts: 7,904
    I wish you the very best (((hugs)))
    Liz xx

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • Marion would he consider counceling? While he is thinking it would be a really good thing. Sometimes we all need to have reality thrown in our faces before we are willing to reconsider.

    Counseling for both of you would be good and some with your son would be a bonus.
  • Dear Marion,

    First and foremost, you are among friends here. Never doubt that, okay? I often refer to Spine-Health as my extended family... that's how close I feel to some of our members here. We have a common bond with each other and the support we give is sincere.

    The way your husband is treating you is wrong and I'm quite sure I speak for many here... in that it makes me really mad. I've been saying a few choice words while reading through your posts.

    Sometimes when I get mad, my mind goes into Mental Gymnastics mode. Does anyone else ever have this happen?

    For instance, your topic title is Mysery. First thing that comes to mind for me right now is the movie Misery with Kathy Bates. Do you know which one I'm talking about? It's quite ironic when you think about it.

    I would be so tempted to buy the movie Misery and watch it repeatedly. Only when your hubby is in the house though. When the gruesome parts begin, turn the volume up really loud and start laughing hysterically. Point at the TV and just laugh your head off. Another good set of movies to do this with is the SAW movies. There are a lot of torture scenes in the SAW movies and when your hubby is in the house, turn those movies on and start applauding at the torture scenes. Slap your legs, laugh till you cry, etc.

    I seriously would act like a crazy woman at this point with your hubby. If he's not worth the $50 grand to get out of your life, I'd seriously start acting like a mad woman. No violent acts, just finding humor with really twisted stuff.

    If your hubby has any kind of violent tendencies... I would NOT do this. It might set him off, instead of running out the door. Never... ever.... put your life at risk.

    You're a strong woman, Marion, and it's good for you to feel comfortable enough to share with us.

    I sure hope your mouth starts to feel better. My word... you've certainly been through the mill.

    Give your daughter a call and have her bring the little one over more often. You feel so good after those visits, so see if you can plan them at least once a week. It will give you something to look forward to and you need those hugs from your daughter and your little boy.

    Take good care,

    Tammy
  • Your update wasn't posted when I was typing my first reply to you.

    I am so glad to hear things are much better... great news!

    Just goes to show, even the most stubborn of people can bend and they do have hearts.

    I hope you continue on a new great path... I really do. It's nice to feel the "smile" in your new post.

    Take good care,

    Tammy >:D<

  • I don't have much input because my story is the same as yours. The economy is putting a big strain on many of us. Hope you can work things out! Remember to take care of yourself first. My hubby definetly would not go to counseling but I have thought about going to counseling just for someone to talk to. Hope your days are better!
    Nancy
    Severe DDD. Klippel Feil Deformity. Cervical Foraminatomy that turned into Lamy. I have tried so many treatments, therapy's and medications.
  • I was getting on here to vent about my treatment or lack thereof. I can say I was prety pissed off until I read your post. As bad as it is to say, its nice to have someone who knows what I'm going through. I can't say how much it sucks to have a loved one treat you this way and make you feel worthless and that you're nothing but a whining bum. I don't know what to tell you except that I care and I know how much you hurt both physically and emotionally. It'll all work out in the end. Things happen for a reason and we all just need to persevere. Our suffering will be but for a moment in the grand scheme of things. I'm glad your kids are still there for you. Best wishes. You can vent here ANY TIME! Not many people actually understand what we go through.
  • It makes me feel not so alone or dumb for putting all my feelings out there. Sad as it is, it is kind of good to hear others deal with these same issues. Only in the sense that it does make you "not" feel so alone. I cannot believe how many Kind, supportive comments I have received and it helps so much. I just am not the type of person to have a lot of girlfriends and confide in about anything. I still have a hard time trusting people. I also think that because we all deal with pain issues daily, maybe we can "see" maybe we can "feel" and understand more of what other people are dealing with. Maybe we have more compassion because of where our lives have taken us; sometimes, to the brink and back again. I am not saying that any of this is any type of blessing, but maybe it is a lesson for me in a sense.. I think because of my childhood, I have always had a very, very, hard time connecting with people, and definitely trusting anyone. I know there is something wrong with me, mentally I can see how I should feel and I can see others pain, but I cannot feel it in my heart and soul very often. I have a hard time trusting people and even letting people in as friends. It takes me a very long time, and once you break my trust – I’m done. Generally, I would rather be alone than deal with the issues that come with friends. I have had girlfriends that I thought were like sisters, only to find out they had divulged some private information, or told someone else something I told them in confidence. I would never, ever, do that to anyone and I guess I expect that same loyalty or trust in return. In my experience, that is very hard to find. Anyway, this thing – this pain issue – it has made me see… It has made me “feel”.. I have always had a serious issue “feeling” anything about other people. It’s very weird and I have been to counseling to see things about my childhood that I could not remember. (I have few memories until about age 13 or 14, other than my mom beating the hell out of me daily). I was hypnotized and saw more than I wanted too, but it helped me understand why I am incapable of feeling things properly. This pain thing tho, has made me feel. Sometimes I wonder if God had a plan about that. Maybe he knew it would take something major; for me too lose a lot, to be able to feel what other people are going thru? I think there is a little truth to that. I can feel others pain now, I can read it in the words people write on this page, and it makes me cry sometimes, not for me but for others. Something I was only capable of doing for my children in the past. Life is interesting.

    I certainly haven’t figured out why my husband has decided to turn into a dick, but maybe that will change. I think counseling for both of us would be good. We have done it in the past and I would be open to doing it again. Not sure if he would, but I plan on asking. Thank you all again for your continued support and friendship. You cannot know how much better you all make me feel sometimes. Even when I’m beside myself pissed off about things, someone (usually several) always say something that makes me think eventually, and realize that I am not all alone. There are people that really do care about others. Thank You - Marion




  • Do you have bone degeneration in your spine? My dad is nearly crippled by his degeneration and it is in his teeth as well (at least that is what his oral surgeon said). He only has a few left but can't afford to get them fixed so he gums his food. Just a thought. Has your dentist ever diagnosed these problems as bone degeneration?
  • "my husband has decided to turn into a dick" - I love that phrase! Marion, thanks, you made me laugh this morning, up at 5 because good old back decided 3 hours was enough sleep today!
    Perhaps you could have business cards done with that as your tagline! :)

    here is your new latin motto:

    Meus maritus est a dick

    :)

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