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Had enough!!

jayhawkjjayhawk Posts: 1,032
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:44 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Yesterday marked my 14th week post op. I am not where I thought I would be. When I envisioned myself at this point before surgery I guessed I would be "healed"

HA! What a gigantic assumption that was. While I am better in many ways, I still have so far to go! I am still in my big TLSO, beginning to wean out of it and into a softer brace :(

PT has become my nemasis (?sp) The therapist who I have had for the past 4 years is on vacation for 6 weeks and I am now being seen by the owner...She has a wealth of knowledge and I have no doubt that she knows how to get me to my end goal of resuming work and regaining leisure activities.

But, I think she is lacking empathy....she creates a plan, wants me to carry it out ~ and I WANT to, but forgets that when it comes to the spine, you often can't just "push through it".

I had promised myself I would find "my voice" during my session yesterday, and I did, initially. As I look back on it, I realize she gave my ALL new exercises! One I absolutely couldn't do...

After my session, I was exausted and shaking, my muscles were so fatigued. I feel asleep, and I haven't napped during the day for weeks!

Today, It hurts to move, walk...a combination of strong muscle spasms, muscle pain ( which is actually OK with me if it only lasts a day or so) and intense nerve pain in my left bum and right leg.

On top of this my hubsband is acting out. I'm not sure if it's a midlife issue, or what. Yesterday he left around 1 to go see a client, said he'd be home around 5. About 6:30 he sent me a text, saying he was out with a friend having drinks and would be home around 9. He wouldn't answer my calls or our daughter's calls. At 12:30 am he still wasn't home. I got up and checked the house at 2:30am and he was on the sofa in the study....

Tomorrow he is leaving for Vegas. Initially I was to go with him, he has an annual sales "meetings" there. Recently he told me I couldn't go, his company wasn't OK with spouses going too (which I knew was BS, spouces always go and it's VEGAS). On Tue., I realized he is going 2 days before his meetings start! He's leaving Sun am, meetings start at noon on Tue! REALLY....

This is all happening during the week I am trying to return to work! I have just had it! I'm furious, sad, mad, hurt.... This just sucks!!

I see my surgeon Tue, anticipate him releasing me to return to work. All while my husband is frolicking in Vegas.

I can't continue with PT at the level I did this week and go back to work...

Thanks for letting me vent! I am just tired of EVERYTHING!! I've just had enough of all of it!!


  • I know you don't need or want to hear this, but 14 weeks out from major surgery (with complications, I might add) is still very early in recovery. I also get frustrated with my pain and I just over 5 months out!

    I've already done the PT and one thing you might try is the minute you walk in, if you're having a particularly painful day, tell the PT right up front. I did that and then that particular session would be trigger point therapy, massage and a few light exercises. Maybe if they know up front that you're having "one of those days", they'll be sympathetic and give you a break on that day. At least is worked for me.

    Try to hang in there - recovery from lumbar surgery is so not fun and so much harder than cervical surgery. I never would've expected the length of time it takes. I've been told I might start feeling better at 6 months and could be feeling back to "normal" at a year. If I did my exercises at home as regularly as I should, that might actually happen. (Have to work on that one...)

    As for hubby, I just don't know what to say. Sometimes men can get so fed up with the ongoing issue that is our spine and act out. They try to get joy where they can because watching us suffer so much goes against their grain, not being able to do anything to make us better. If only they knew that if they sat on the couch, called us to sit next to them and just put their arm around us, snuggling while watching a movie or even just talking, things would be better. But how do you tell someone how to be empathetic and supportive? You want them to know it on their own, not have to give them instructions on how to be a good support system because then it becomes their burden once again, having come from us.

    So, I don't know. Hopefully you can have some fun while he's gone and have some down time to decompress and feel better.

    I'm sorry you're fed up and understand those days. Being a spiney isn't a life anyone would choose, but it is what it is and we just have to try and be patient.

    I'm with ya. If you lived closer, I'd come over while hubby's gone and we'd have some Smirnoff Raspberry Bursts, watch movies with hunks in them and play cribbage or scrabble. But alas...

    Take care, Jayhawk.
  • I hate that you are having a difficult time...I will say one thing, you are still early in recovery. I am 29 weeks postop, and just the past 2-3 weeks started feeling better; a little less pain, a little more flexibility. I still have can't do many things for myself, like vacuuming, or working in the yard...which I love doing.

    I think PT is very important, but I have had to take a break from it three times in my recovery. I'm on one of those breaks right now, and my body needed it bad. I walk everyday, and am spending time in the pool. For me, it has been all about balance. It seems historically that people on this forum have had similar experiences, so I decided to give myself permission to listen to what my body was telling me. I wanted to get back to work, but I am not ready. My surgeon told me from the beginning that I would know when I'm ready to go back to a strenuous job. Now I can see the light at the end of that tunnel, but I'm still not there yet. One of my anesthesia friends who does pain blocks, said that you must take your time with this surgery. He said that the people that he sees that have problems are the ones who rush to recovery.

    Remember the walk, rest, walk mantra...I still do this even now.


  • Thank you so much my friends! I hate feeling like this, but the tears just won't stop!

    Fatigue and emotional stress are not a good combination! I am so upset by my husbands choices! He is not one to talk about things, he will quickly tell me how it is all my fault. "You are not an invalid! You better be ready to go back to work, you are going to! You are fine, we had this surgery so you won't have pain....!"

    I just want to scream! I hate that he deceived me about Vegas!

    I am trying hard to regroup...I am going to book a room at a resort about 45 minutes from here. Take a girlfriend, my daughter, and one of her friends. I know I shouldn't spend the money, but .....

    Thank you so much for your support! Cath, I wish you were closer also.....
  • We had surgery right around the same time. I am in the same boat as you. When will I feel better. I have days wait...lets just say I have 1\2 days when I feel better...try and go a few places and then feel like crap. My doctor cancelled PT last time I saw him. He said I want you to have a good week. not just good days here and there. Well that hasn't happened. I see him again next Thursday. I see him every 4 weeks. Anyways..I am no where near ready to go back to work. I still can't sit comfortably for any length of time and still take pain meds about 4 times a day. So I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from.
    As far as the husband thing. I am so sorry. I don't know what I would do if my husband started acting that way. I would be hurt, angry and suspicious. Thankfully my husband is a bit of a quiet guy who likes spending time at home and working in our garden. And he is only 35..where did I find him right? lol...So we are together all the time when he isn't at work. I am lucky that he is so understanding and he is empathetic.
    I feel so bad for you. This is the last thing you need right now. Sometimes when I am complaining about this hurts and that hurts..I stop and think I bet he gets sick of hearing me say this kind of stuff. So I asked him if he did..he said no because you are still healing from surgery..The doctor said it could take up to a year...I was shocked he understood so well. But I have learned early on that if I am thinking one thing and getting stressed about it..I better ask, because most of the time he isn't thinking what I thought he was..lol..rambling.
    We have been together 10 years.

    Please remember you are not alone in this. Like others have said..Try and have a good time while he is gone...easier said than done I know..esp. when you still feel crumby.

  • So sorry about your recovery stress and husband issues. My prayers are with you. From the lady responses, sounds like we both have a long way to go. I know we talked about PT before, and I agree that sometimes you just need to tell them NOT TODAY! We are not training for the Olympics, just trying to slowly recover from a painful surgery. I have modified my exercises. I felt they were too strenuous for that particular time in my recovery, and I am doing better. I will increase the program as I feel ready. NO squatting to floor.

    AS for the husband, I will leave that to the ladies. All I can say is if I acted like that my wife would sit me down and explain it to me. I would say Yes Dear, and problem solved. After 40 years of marriage that is all I have learned. Yes Dear and whatever she puts in her purse can no longer be found. I gave up asking why. Anyway, both have served me well for 4 decades.

    I wish you the best, it will get better. May take a few more months.

  • I know it doesn't seem like it but 12 weeks really isn't that long into your recovery if you look at the big picutre. Think about what your body has been through recently and prior to surgery. Just hang in there and take each day as it comes. I personally have never had a PT person push me that hard. I think I'd have to slap them and ask if they were crazy. Remember the stuff they are having you do is suggestions you are in charge of your body and have the right to say when. If you were being a complete whimp about things that would be different. I always just did a few weeks of PT and then went on my own for my recovery, but everyone is different. I found a great yoga instructor that would modify poses for me and it hepled my strength and relaxed me.

    As for the husband that's a hard one. I hope that he is just going through a phase. Like someone already said maybe he is just acting out his frustration. I personally would pin him down and talk it out to clear the air before he left.(In a calm manner.) I may be speaking for myself but sometimes my imagination gets the best of be and I blow things up bigger than they actually are. I'm not saying you don't have some very valid concerns!!! So hopefully he has some answers that will help you feel a little better.

    You mentioned get a night away, you deserve it!!!! Go have a wonderful time.
  • Thank you so much! I really am perplexed as to why I don't speak up during PT.....When exercises facilitate instant nerve pain, I do stop. The other's are just hard and I just push through them....

    There is one that she wants me to do, and I just can't. You kneel on the mat, engage your abs and using your core muscles you lean forward toward the mat, using your abs until your hands reach the mat!

    I can't do it! Ihave tried and tried, I don't even come close to being able to have the muscle strength. I'm not sure when I was in great shape I could do it....

    Thanks so much ...it is one of those days...I am terrified of going back to work. I am terrified to fail and right now, that is how I feel...like I am failing and there is nothing I can do about it...

    I'm trying hard to rally. Going to spend some time in the pool, watch the world cup.... thank you so much for helping me to see I am not alone in this...maybe this is just part of the grieving/realization of the world of "spiney's"

  • Praying for you Shari!
    I am so sorry that your recovery is taking so long. I suspect that your husband is fed up with it, but boy so must you be!!!
    What you really need is to feel that he is behind you supporting you through this very difficult recovery. Trouble is, sometimes our husbands are so involved in how they feel, that they lose sight of what we are going through.

    I really hope that you get a chance to talk to him, but he will need to be in a frame to want to hear your perspective.

    Meanwhile, I hope that you can reach a point where you can move on in your recovery. This PT sounds like she is pushing you too hard. Perhaps tell her that is how you feel and that it is causing lots of pain. It might be that she will slow down a bit then, or at least give you some ideas of how you can relieve the pain after a session. Make sure that she realises that you are going to try to return to work next week and need to not be in more pain from PT at the same time.

    I hope that your appointment with your surgeon on Tuesday gives you hope and encouragement.

    I also wish that I could pop round and enjoy the pool party with Cath and other spiney friends. We would cheer you up!! :D

    Hang in there my friend :-) This won't last forever. You have already come such a long way in your recovery, you just have to keep hanging on a bit longer. You have lots of friends here, cheering you on and really understanding what you are going through.

    Big but gentle hugs >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It sounds like talking to the PT is definitely in order.
    On the husband angle, is it worth staying with him? Is it worth confronting him? Is there someone who you can talk to that is local? Having some outside eyes that are also familiar with you, your husband and your circumstances can be very helpful.
    It's never easy but life is still good.

    never apologize for venting.
  • I have to agree with the others: 3+ months post-op is still very early in the game. I know from having a 2 level PLIF and a 2 level ALIF. By this part of the recovery we are starting to feel better (hopefully) but it is a frustrating time because we want to DO, but are still physically limited.

    I know for me I just wish I could do what I used to be able to do, but thats not happening, so every day I have to make concessions: if I do "this", I can't do "that" today.

    This business of pain/surgery/recovery is very hard on us emotionaly, physicaly and mentaly. We need to accept help when it is offered, and treating yourself kindly is important. If you stop and think about it, we spineys/neckies are a very strong bunch of people!

    As for your husband issues: I remember reading an article about a very important difference between men and women: When women have a problem they need to talk about it, when men have a problem they need to FIX it. This can be very troubling when there is no way they can fix the problem. (did that make sense?). Just a thought, not trying to sweep his behavior under the rug, so to speak.

    I think some time out with friends/loved ones would be good for you, treat yourself, you've been through A LOT.

    Take care, keep chatting with us for support and encouragment,

  • i'm very sorry to hear about your pain. there is absolutely no reason for p.t to put you in pain. if you can't do, nought said you should'nt try it will come around. just slow down and take care of yourself.

    as far as the husband thing, i am in no position to give advice to anyone.
    i was married almost 23 years, went to work everyday,for a 10,12 sometimes 14 hour day, always came straight home, stayed home on the weekends.well she decided she did'nt like that she started going to the bar every day, strayed from our marriage,(nicely put) and she filed for divorce, because i liked being home instead of going to some sh**hole bar. so i'm sorry can't help you there just take care and yell all you want and we will listen, thats what friends are for.
    take care and my best
  • I know this must be difficult for you going to a different PT and doing different exercises. Maybe she can print off the exercises she should be teaching you so you can follow up at home with some exercises especially if she keeps giving you new exercises to do. I'm sorry about your husband going away earlier and going out until late. I pray he will be more supportive to you. I hope you enjoy your time in the pool and hope you start feeling better. I hope your new meds are starting to work soon. Gentle hug. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Fusion is a really tough thing to recover from. 14 weeks is not enough time. I think you need to see your doc for a new assessment, find out if you should be doing the level of PT you are currently doing. You could be hurting yourself.

    As for the husband, do yourself a big favor and change all the locks while he is in Vegas. He obviously has decided to plant a few seeds in a greener field. He's not fooling anyone, especially you. What a jerk. Sorry, but he doesn't deserve a break from you. He should be supportive of you and helping you recover. You don't deserve that BS.


    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • Shari Thank you, now I don't feel as bad. I'm 17 weeks out and I am not happy with the way I am right now. I didn't want to say anything about it. I feel like its getting better at times, then it feels like "crud" here we go again. Gwennie had this thing, and I know its a LOONG process but when you start you think when you hear the numbers aren't that bad, but when your past it, it feels like years have passed and its only been months. She was right.

    Thanks for making this thread to find out others have had the same thoughts. ;)
  • I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I hope things start to improve for you!
  • Thank you all so very much for your support! I had no idea when I became a member, that I would need it in this capacity, but I do and I am so thankful!!

    Linda ~ I just had to smile when I read your comments this morning...I was feeling sad, thinking about how if my husband was in Vegas, I must have complained too much, been needly too much, exhausted him too much, etc, etc.... Reading your post helped me to see ~ NO!! It is not that, it is a choice HE made and it's not because of me....

    There is nothing like a spinal fusion to help erode self-esteem, but thank goodness for all of you to help smack me upside the head and set me straight!

    We didn't go to the resort, the rooms were twice as much as I thought, I felt bad, not sure I am up to driving 45 minutes on the freeway and my daughter's friend couldn't go. So instead, another of her friends is here, I took them out for lunch, we laughed so hard my face hurt and now we are just relaxing!

    Thank you for your support! This will be a long and difficult week! I just pray I make it thru gracefully! :)
  • Many months ago I told you to imagine a ring of your spiney friends circling you. We are still there and always will be. The members may change but the ring will always be there and be strong for you. No matter what way you sway or fall there will always be one or some of us to help you up or keep you balanced.

    When your husband gets back you guys need to talk. I would guess that he is feeling some stress and resentment about your surgery and recovery. It's time for you to talk it and everything else out.

    Take a deep breath as you begin this week. Remember that everything happens for a reason and accepting that with grace is the sign of an adult.

  • Well said!!! It is too bad that family and friends have very little awareness of the time to full recovery after fusions, and the extent of pain involved.

    One thing that I've learned over the last 6 months is to take each day as it comes. Recovery is what it is...very long and arduous at times.

    Shari, glad you had a restful weekend...hope you are at least physically feeling better. Take care of yourself.

  • I hope this week goes better for you. We're all here for you.
  • and hoping that after a restful weekend, you are ready to go for your appointments today, tomorrow and starting work on Wednesday.

    I am really going to miss our chats! :-(

    I feel a bit like I'm being left behind, but I should be glad that I'm not being put under pressure to return to work yet.

    Will wait to hear how you get on. :-)
  • Hey Shari,
    Sorry to hear that you are going through the mill at the moment. All I can say is that at 14 weeks I too felt rough and found PT hard. My surgeon is one for "keep going" and so I was back at work (teaching) and it was January and cold! 14 weeks is really early days. I have a friend who is a PT and she keeps telling me I am at early days at 8 months!
    It took until about 5 months for me to feel anything like better. I am now 8 months out and going through another down. I had a few good weeks for a while but seem to have jarred my back or something because at the moment it is really bad!
    I think what I am trying to say is hang in there and you are not alone (not that that makes it any better). I know that the bad days outnumber the good for ages but they will soon be behind you and you can get out there and do all the things you want. (remembering to bend at the kness, obviously ;))
  • Thank you so very much for all your kind words! I guess in a way I am realizing how strong I am ~ emotionally...I am just tired of being strong :). But I will keep going with a song in my heart!

    I made it through yesterday and had a great day with my daughter and her bff, laughing until we had tears. We capped the day off watching Dear John and all crying again!

    Today I see my PM and pray that he is supportive and won't try to stop my pain meds as I desperately need them to cont with PT and guess I will need them to as I return to work.

    I dreampt last night about trying to communicate with my PT. In my dream, I kept trying to tell her it was too much and no one would listen....This afternoon when I actually go, I hope for a better outcome than in my dream! :)

    Oh Jelly! You are not being left behind! I am with you every step of the way! We can still chat!! :) I only work 3days so that leaves 4 days to chat! :) And I will need and want to chat for sure! :) MY guess is that the sofa will be a close friend as I rest following a week of working.

    This past July, I lost a very dear, dear friend as she lost her battle with cancer. She lived right across the street from me. We had just returned from a weekend at the beach together and she was diagnosed that MOnday. I deceided to spend as much time as I could with her, taking her to chemo, cooking for her and at the end, we tried to "break a rule a day"! :)

    This weekend her empty house was put on the market for sale....my heart breaks. I dread going out the front door, my eyes always go straight to her house. Yesterday, my daughter cried as she saw the cars for the open house....

    I pray that a new family will buy it! It is such a special place in my heart, full of love and wonderful memories!

    Thanks for being my circle of friends! I promise to be there for you too! With much love ~ Shari
  • Shari it is so hard to see life move on after a loss. I'm sure your friend would want to see a new family in her house. The actors may change but the play goes on.
  • as you have your PM Dr appointment and also PT this afternoon.

    Laughter is so good for you! I'm glad that you were able to laugh a lot at the weekend. :-)

    Yes, we must keep up our chats. I would really miss them.

    I am feeling rather down and sad, as a 90 year old lady at church, that I was very close to, has died. She was ready to go and had very strong faith. She had been in hospital for a long time and was getting weak and very confused. But it is so sad that I won't be able to see her and talk with her. We used to laugh a lot too! :D I do have lots of good memories of times spent with her. I wasn't able to see her on her birthday as it was 2 days after my fusion surgery.

    It is so sad to lose our close friends.

    Shari, I'm so glad that you have been able to pick yourself up and are feeling more positive again. You are on the home stretch now, just keep on going, the finish line is in sight. :-)

  • Good for you Shari,
    For not bowing down and blaming yourself in all of this. You husband did agree to be a partner in sickness and in health.
    I went to the store the other day with my husband..It was one of those megacenters..so it is BIG. Well after walking around for an hour I said we gotta go..my back is killing me..
    He said okay but then I said I am so sorry..I bet you get sick of me complaining of pain everyday all the time. He said no it is fine..

    I sometimes feel like such a whiner..lol..I want to be the strong, independent women he met and fell in love with 10 years ago again. And would like to lose wt too...this sedentary lifestyle has put on the pounds. He never complains..it is amazing. But I always worry he gets sick of it and never tells me.
    If that is the case he hides it well. :)

    Good luck with your doctors appt. I see my surgeon on Thursday. I am not ready to go back to work. I wish I could because this is getting harder financially. I got that dreaded letter in the mail from the insurance company. I am now on long term disabilty and will have to pay full premiums. Where am I gonna get 600 bucks a month when I am bring home only 60% of my salary and that is taxed. I am the primary breadwinner in our family. I almost cried then just put the letter down and will deal with it another day. I will pray that God will take care of me and something good will come of all of this.

  • Shari...I do not know of your situation that well (in regards to DH). I do know that this spine thing takes quite a toll on all those in the immediate family. It is not an excuse for you or him to not try harder with eachther but I wanted to remind you that he is making decisions (as poor as they are) and the only thing you can control is how you react to his decisions.

    A good saying:
    I cannot control 10% of my life; the other 90% I control in how I react to them. I have been repeating this mantra to myself for the last 2 months. Not sure if it is helping but it is helping me try to figure things out.

    I wish I had advice but I don't. I just want to say I say prayers for everyone here and their families b/c it's not an easy road. The decisions, the pain, the family impact.

    You are a good person. Don't ever doubt your strength and sense of good self.
  • I have been seeing my PM doc for years so that is a blessing as he has watched me battle my way back after my last 2 surgeries, especially this last one...I was having a procedure every month, finally got to every 3 months maintained for about 5-6 months and than quickly went downhill resulting in this fusion.

    After talking to him today, he said "where is that happy go lucky perky Shari". He thinks that I am depressed and I guess I am. It seems like all of a sudden, but maybe it isn't. He said he could tell just by looking at me...I looked in the mirror and had to agree.

    I will now be on 90 mg of Cymbalta. We are opting to not change the neurotin as I don't want to gain more than I already have....I have 20 pounds to loose and worry that I won't be able to. I seems like so much.

    I worry that the "happy go lucky" part of me won't ever come back. He reassured me it would, I sure hope so! I just can't seem to stop crying.

    He wanted to begin to taper off the oxy and I lost it! I started crying! There is no way that I can do that right now with PT kicking my bum and returning to work. He reluctantly agreed. I just asked for 6 weeks to adjust. I don't take it if I don't need it, but reality is I do need it. I typically take 10mg 3 times a day.

    I feel like right now I need the security of knowing that I rely on knowing it is there if I need it! I reassured him that I wouldn't take it if I don't need it.

    I also got to talk to my husband. He reassured me that his loves me and I am the most important person in his life. He also agreed with the PM doc re depression. He appoligized for this trip but said he really just needed some "guy" time. He doesn't have many friends here. Most of our friends are my friends.

    I guess he has had to pick up the slack for so long, definately the past 7 months, financial stress, and seeing me in such pain. Just seeing me in the hospital, when they called the code blue, stuggling for 5 days to breath, all the transfusions. Maybe I should have been on the lookout for his stress level.

    He is staying in a suite with 2 other guys who adore me. They all called me today and passed the phone from one to the other....Tomorrow his meetings start.

    Tonya you will regain your former self, I just know it. I think this middle part of recovery is so much harder. After recovering from this you will definately be stronger than before. And most likely, with an appreciation for the little things in life.

    We will be here, every step of the way with you! i know that if I ever get my fitness level back, I will appreciate it daily.

    Thank you all for all your support! Of to Pt :( Love ya! xxx
  • Thank you DNice!! I am beginning to see that this has really stressed him. He has never been able to handle seeing me in physical pain, ever! And I know that. I probably should have been on the look out for his acting out, but I am so buried in this recovery.

    I guess along the way I have gotten depressed. I really didn't see it happening...

    I love your mantra and I am going to write it down and keep it with me this week! Thank you!

    I am going to give this week my all! Thank you so much for your post! It really touched my heart!
  • Shari I'm so happy I'm crying. Girl thing...pass the Cymbalta lol. I'm so glad you talked. Sometimes we let the littlest thing blow up into something huge.
  • You are right, take a thing add to it fear, isolation, insecurity, pain, a bit of depression, some bad choices and you now have a GIGANTIC thing!! LOL

    The movie The Hangover did nothing to help ease my fears! :)
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